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Thread: Don't know where it's going.

  1. #1
    Bronze Member Brutal555's Avatar
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    Don't know where it's going.

    Hello good people.

    I am 22 year old man and I've got a girlfriend one year younger (Yes, we're very young.) Let me just say this is my longest relationship ever (1 year and 2 months) and the longest period I've had experience with relationships with someoone was 5 months and I've been with several girls so this is not my first girlfriend. Right now I am really stuck in a loop here and I really need you guys to tell me what am I not seeing here or am hiding from myself. I would do my best to try to describe this as best as possible but I really think that I don't understand 70% of what's going on.

    The relationship started great. We would go out, spend a lot of time together, I would make small surprises, big surprises, gifts, phonecalls - everything was perfect. Everything was going great for about 7-8months. As time went by she would show more and more jealousy, more attention seeking behaviour, more doubt in me. She would just go into "I am mad now" zone where she would turn angry and would be silent until I have to do my best to make her go back to being herself. I always did that with humor and talking her into it.

    Now, everything's changed, she moved over to work in another town (1 hour and 30 mins away from my town), for the last couple of months I lost interest to do anything. When we go out I can't wait to go home (before, I could spend a night with her without feeling like going home), I can't find stuff to talk with her about, I don't being romantic, lovable, open, no small surprises, I'm not trying as much as I did before. Basically, everything has changed. And she's constantly getting mad and angry about this and about that. I noticed she gets irritated when I go out with friends, because she probably wants all my attention for herself. She tried breaking up with me 2 times and I tried it once after that. All of it ended up in both of us crying in each other's arms saying how we don't want to lose each other. t But every time we get in an arguement 8/10 times it ends up with us talking about how we don't work out anymore. Last time we got in an argument she was totally about to break up, but then she called me over and just cried about how she doesn't want to lose me. Part of me wants this to end to feel relief, but part of me can't imagine days going by without her around.

    What's the thing that's keeping us together still? I think the only thing stopping me from ending it is the past beautiful experiences we've had together, and everything nice we had, our own nicknames we would call each other, our own way of talking...

    I am in a situation where I don't know what to do. I think loosing her would be so hard and painful but I don't know If there's something for me to do to make things better? Cause still I don't want to give up.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    All of us start somewhere. There's nothing wrong with this being your first long (or longer term) relationship. The back and forth rollercoaster is very unhealthy. I think she seeks validation in you and is deeply insecure. You both may be fundamentally incompatible also as it seems your upbringings may have differed drastically. Is she of a different culture or religion? Your expressions and language in times of tension seems worlds apart.

    A relationship should be inspiring to you, make you smile, be a source of strength and peace and allow you to explore parts of your individual self that are important to you. We all sacrifice certain things and learn to swap this for that when we make a commitment to be with someone. It shouldn't compromise the core of who you are and it definitely should never drain you to this extent. I feel your spirit is drained terribly.

    Take a breather and think about things. I don't think you're both compatible. You may also be testing your limits and the existence or importance of friendships of the opposite sex (or even the same sex/gender) while maintaining a relationship. This is often a tempestuous time and full of uncertainties - a bit like ranch with no fences. What you end up having are loose animals running around until you learn to build fences and gates.

    Don't put all that pressure on yourself to know all the answers at once. It'll come to you over time with or without this person.

  3. #3
    Bronze Member Brutal555's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    All of us start somewhere. There's nothing wrong with this being your first long (or longer term) relationship. The back and forth rollercoaster is very unhealthy. I think she seeks validation in you and is deeply insecure. You both may be fundamentally incompatible also as it seems your upbringings may have differed drastically. Is she of a different culture or religion? Your expressions and language in times of tension seems worlds apart.

    A relationship should be inspiring to you, make you smile, be a source of strength and peace and allow you to explore parts of your individual self that are important to you. We all sacrifice certain things and learn to swap this for that when we make a commitment to be with someone. It shouldn't compromise the core of who you are and it definitely should never drain you to this extent. I feel your spirit is drained terribly.

    Take a breather and think about things. I don't think you're both compatible. You may also be testing your limits and the existence or importance of friendships of the opposite sex (or even the same sex/gender) while maintaining a relationship. This is often a tempestuous time and full of uncertainties - a bit like ranch with no fences. What you end up having are loose animals running around until you learn to build fences and gates.

    Don't put all that pressure on yourself to know all the answers at once. It'll come to you over time with or without this person.
    She's not of different culture. She claims she's an atheist and I am a deep orthodox christian and am a big believer in God. She doesn't like it when I talk about orthodox books, and when I go to church.

    And you're right, my spirit is drained. I don't want to see her because subconsciously I know my energy would be drained and I would get angry, mad and sad every time I see her. I would postpone our going-outs as much as I can and she can see it. But I can't end it and I don't know what it is. Fear of being alone? Fear of breaking the habit of having a certain person is your life? Beautiful times we've had before?

  4. #4
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    Some relationships have an expiry date. Because of various reasons. Yours has expired.

    Itís like you love tea with milk you remember how that tastes but you are trying to make tea with spoilt milk and no matter how much you try the tea is spoilt.

    Stop trying. Itís over.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    It sounds like you have fallen out of love (or at least your love level has dropped) with her because of her constant nagging. Her love level may have dropped also, perhaps that's why she's nagging.

    If you want to save it and turn it around, it will take some initial work. This is tough because I don't know which one of you loves the other less.

    The relationship started great. We would go out, spend a lot of time together, I would make small surprises, big surprises, gifts, phonecalls - everything was perfect.
    You could try positive reinforcement first - do the things you once did, once in awhile.

    If the positive reinforcement does not work, try the opposite. stop putting up with her nagging. The next time she does it, walk out on her (for the evening). Or cut off affection and romance. When she asks, "What's wrong"? - then perhaps you can have a discussion about it and she'll be ready to change her ways - when she realizes she has something to lose.

    They only hen-peck you because they know you are too chicken to run away. Show them that you can live without them or that they have something to lose and they'll change their tune.

    All that said, some young people are not ready for love yet. Don't feel bad if it does not work out.
    Last edited by Gary Snyder; 07-19-2019 at 12:23 PM.

  7. #6
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    It really sounds like you just don't like her that much anymore.

    Trying to stay attracted to someone who is constantly angry is incredibly draining. You don't want to lose her because you have put a lot in, but your relationship needs to be organic; it needs to happen naturally. Your staying together is work for you.

    Unfortunately, you should probably break things off. It won't be easy for you or for her, but it will help with your stress.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Beginnings are usually always magical, but not really reality. The real person starts emerging after the honeymoon period. What you see is what you get and it's not going to return to Fantasyland. A dealbreaker for any person with self-value should be a partner who exhibits unwarranted jealousy. People who are controlling and emotionally abusive try to isolate you from others, including friends.

    Even at age 17, I was smart enough to dump a guy after 2 years of dating who was jealous like this.

    Yes, breakups are upsetting because you're not a robot without caring feelings, but you will mourn, heal, and then move on, freeing you to be with someone right for you. You have gained a valuable life experience in this relationship, so learn from it. Take care.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Brutal555
    She's not of different culture. She claims she's an atheist and I am a deep orthodox christian and am a big believer in God. She doesn't like it when I talk about orthodox books, and when I go to church.

    And you're right, my spirit is drained. I don't want to see her because subconsciously I know my energy would be drained and I would get angry, mad and sad every time I see her. I would postpone our going-outs as much as I can and she can see it. But I can't end it and I don't know what it is. Fear of being alone? Fear of breaking the habit of having a certain person is your life? Beautiful times we've had before?
    Your differences may be stemming from your spiritual outlooks and those differences do range from outlook on life, personality, ideas about right or wrong and how problems are solved also within a community or a relationship. Lack of faith can be a definite dealbreaker and differences in faith or lack of faith usually radiate outside of the religious sphere. I feel like the practice in believing in a higher power does prepare a child or a person to have faith in others and faith in him or herself. It's not about the religion but the practice of faith. Of course this is not impossible in other upbringings lacking religion but personally that's how it's affected me and it's how it's affected my romantic relationships.

    It's important you nurture your spiritual self as much as your physical body and your mental health. Some people require that in order to thrive. If you have known your faith and practice your faith, desiring to share that level of faith with your loved one is natural and you should feel free to do that. Both of you are inhibiting each other in ways that may be subconscious or unconscious. I have a childhood friend (we've been friends since we were 4!) who is Hindu/Catholic. Her dad is Hindu and her mum was Catholic (she passed). She practices both faiths and respects both religious days and events and her husband and kids now also practice both. I don't believe there is a right or wrong for everything and it's up to a couple how they wish to come together. What I do think is important is that you share your life with someone who also practices faith in general.

    You mentioned she has deep distrust and insecurity issues. Those are things you can only do so much with. Through faith in others and faith in God or a higher power comes respect and reverence for a greater whole, beyond what we can imagine as human beings. I think trust and faith in that wisdom is humbling. She should acknowledge (even without the presence of God or faith) that she cannot control everything, loss of control eventually is inevitable as we wind back down into the dust and lose our sharpness and eventually our lives. All things end. I hope she finds peace somehow and becomes more comfortable with herself and the big unknowns of life in general. I've found peace very important and I don't take it forgranted.


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