My mom rejects a potential girlfriend, and I'm in a messy situation

There is a girl [21F] who I've [21M] been talking to lately who I really get along with. My dad has not stated that he has any problems with her, but my mom has given the following two reasons as to why I shouldn't date her:

(1) The girl has tattoos. My mom seems to bring this reason up the most; she thinks it is a sign of immaturity and worldliness. Yesterday I walked in on her venting about me and she said "Imagine your baby being held by a mother with TATTOOS!" I personally would never get a tattoo myself, and I'm not a huge fan of them. But I think my mom's being so judgmental about someone who did choose to get some.

(2) The girl unfortunately is stuck in a leased apartment with her ex boyfriend. This is a legitimate concern, and I've been putting a lot of thought lately into whether or not I want to be in a relationship with someone in this situation. Her ex boyfriend also hates my guts and won't allow me in the apartment. We also live an hour apart. It is a very messy situation, I will admit, and both the girl and I know that.

I've been trying to handle this situation myself and make the right decision (mainly about the concerning first reason), but my mom butts in with her comments and opinions that only frustrate an already frustrated ArchieAnon when I'm having to deal with a messy situation.

So firstly, what do you all think I should do in terms of the messy situation (which, again, I think is a legitimate concern)?

And secondly, what should I say to my mother? Am I the one being unreasonable?

Thanks!

As an owner of a couple small tattoos myself, I will say that Mom is being ridiculously judgmental. However, if she liked your girl, it probably wouldn’t be that much of an issue after a while.

The much bigger and more serious problem is that she still lives with her ex. Mom is right to be concerned about that, and this probably magnifies other minor things she doesn’t like about her. I personally would strongly advise you against dating her until she’s out of that apartment. Too much drama and potential for unfinished emotional business with him.

When did they break up, and when is she (or he) moving out?

Regardless of what your mom thinks about your gf, are you sure you want to date someone who is still living with their ex? It’s too messy and you also live far from each other. I’d back off, but that’s just my opinion.

As an owner of a couple small tattoos myself, I will say that Mom is being ridiculously judgmental. However, if she liked your girl, it probably wouldn’t be that much of an issue after a while.

 

The much bigger and more serious problem is that she still lives with her ex. Mom is right to be concerned about that, and this probably magnifies other minor things she doesn’t like about her. I personally would strongly advise you against dating her until she’s out of that apartment. Too much drama and potential for unfinished emotional business with him.

 

When did they break up, and when is she (or he) moving out?

She broke up with him in late June, only a few weeks ago. He hates me because he thinks she broke up with him for me (which she says is not true, which I've taken her word for). Unfortunately she literally just moved into this apartment, and the lease lasts until May or June 2020. It does not sound like she plans to move out before then, so far.

I do understand the concern here. I've told her that I'd prefer her to move out if we date, but she doesn't seem to understand what the problem I have is. Firstly she said she'd rather not live with a stranger, and then she said she literally can't move out. I feel like there is undoubtedly a way to get out of that lease, but it seems to me she's just not trying very hard to get out of there.

It does concern me the more I think about it. If there was a night where I wasn't available and she was feeling lonely, who is more tempting to go to than the guy who she shared an emotional connection with in the recent past? Anything could happen in that apartment I'm not allowed in, and I would be clueless to it.

How can I further express this concern to her without making it seem like I don't trust her?

A lease is for a year, so obviously her breakup from him hasn't been very long. A person usually isn't good and ready to date until a good substantial time alone to mourn and process that relationship, and time to move on so that the next relationship won't be a rebound.

New relationships should be about fun and enjoyment, not about being drawn into the drama and toxicity of the mess she hasn't extricated herself from yet. Why let yourself be upset on a regular basis when you're barely invested? Find a local girl who you can have a drama-free relationship with.

As far as your mother goes, tell her you didn't get to choose who her lifetime partner was, and she doesn't get to choose yours. Tell her you'd like to be left alone in the relationship department to learn from your life experiences, whether it be good or bad, mistakes or good choices. There was no reason to introduce this girl to them since it wasn't serious. In the future, don't bring the girl around until the relationship has progressed to that point. And if she's still trying to judge a new partner, tell her that's your gf she's talking about, and if she's saying unkind things, you will hang up the phone or leave her home so she will lose the pleasure of your company for that moment. You teach people how to treat you with consequences.

Tell your mom that you are only 21, and most likely will not be marrying this girl anyways. You are just dating, and since you are an adult, you can date anyone you see fit. Then proceed to tell her that you are not the one that needs to grow up here.

A lease is for a year, so obviously her breakup from him hasn't been very long. A person usually isn't good and ready to date until a good substantial time alone to mourn and process that relationship, and time to move on so that the next relationship won't be a rebound.

 

New relationships should be about fun and enjoyment, not about being drawn into the drama and toxicity of the mess she hasn't extricated herself from yet. Why let yourself be upset on a regular basis when you're barely invested? Find a local girl who you can have a drama-free relationship with.

 

As far as your mother goes, tell her you didn't get to choose who her lifetime partner was, and she doesn't get to choose yours. Tell her you'd like to be left alone in the relationship department to learn from your life experiences, whether it be good or bad, mistakes or good choices. There was no reason to introduce this girl to them since it wasn't serious. In the future, don't bring the girl around until the relationship has progressed to that point. And if she's still trying to judge a new partner, tell her that's your gf she's talking about, and if she's saying unkind things, you will hang up the phone or leave her home so she will lose the pleasure of your company for that moment. You teach people how to treat you with consequences.

This makes sense, thank you. Everything feels fine when I'm with the girl, but when there's distance I do occasionally feel very overwhelmed and stressed out about the situation we're in. To add to it, I'm also fresh out of college and trying to find a job.

I'm just not exactly sure what to say to her anymore. I've tried to communicate my concerns, and she listens but tries to dismiss them as nothing to worry about or things we can work through. So for the past couple of weeks I feel like we've just been avoiding the topic. She seems to be very emotionally invested in me right now, as she's occasionally sent me internet quotes suggesting marriage. I think she can tell I recoil from these, so she hasn't been sending them lately.

I guess I should try to bring up my concerns again? I just wonder how I can do it without making her think I don't trust her or don't have feelings for her.

You better tell your mom to get with the program - tattoos are popular. I even see women in their 40's with them. Even the nice christian girls get them these days.

I was dating a christian woman once and I made a joke, "Let's all get drunk and get tattoos!" She said she did that once. Then she pulled down her pants and showed me her tattoo!

But don't ever date a woman with a stalker ex. That's trouble. Find another girl who does not have major problems.

By the way, if I ever get a tattoo, I'll get one on my butt that reads, "If you can read this, you are too close!"

Her living space (this early) shouldn't be your problem. I don't advise getting involved with someone like this because of poor judgments on her part. Sorry. She's hasn't displayed or showed you anything that suggests stability, proactiveness or independence in a relationship. Actually she hasn't displayed adequate recognition or any cognitive ability to understand your concerns (post #4, 2nd paragraph). I also don't like saying this but listen to the caution bubbling up inside you: If she's unable to support herself and depends on her ex-boyfriend to pay most of the living expenses and rent, you'll be inheriting those problems if you're in a relationship with her.

To add to this, you don't sound financially sound or stable yourself as you are also looking for a permanent (full time?) position perhaps related to your area of study. I have to ask what on earth drew you to this individual in the first place? Was it that you didn't know much about her before you both started flirting or going on dates? I'd also be asking about why some of this information was withheld before you both started being intimate. Can you pinpoint further on what points you feel you both get along? Your post #1, 1st paragraph. I'm not seeing any similarities here and your reasons for getting along may be a little too much on the surface (superficial). It's easy to get pulled in also by magnetic personalities.

Think long term, not short term.

Having said all of this, good for you for being open to others who choose to express themselves through tattoos or other means. There are quite a lot of professionals and productive individuals who live rewarding lives and give back to their community and support their families and loved ones (the polar opposite of this woman) who have tattoos or piercings. I wouldn't use her as a measuring stick of any kind.

After reading more, that she only broke up with him weeks ago and is sending you quotes about marriage--wow! She is trying to escape from her own problems by delving into a new fantasy.

There are ways to get out of leases. He could get a male roommate or she could get a female roommate. The landlord could be spoken to and asked if they could list the apartment and when it was rented, the two could move out.

No, I wouldn't speak to her anymore. You already did so. If you will only be happy if someone changes or the major hurdle needs changing, it means it's not the right relationship for you. Seek a person whose situation you don't want to change in any way, shape, or form.

Your self esteem needs a lot of work if you stick around for more of this nonsense.

Why do your parents need to approve? As far as taste, tattoos whatever, that's up to you, but your parents are voicing there opinions because you are sharing all this with them.

As far as her having a bf and still living with him, that should be a red flag for you. Even though you went to her place once as friends, why would you expect her bf to host you? Get on some dating apps ans start meeting and messaging women who want to date you and are free and available to date.

Consider moving out and finding some roommates, a room etc. You admit in this thread that she lives with her bf and that you're in the friendzone: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=559562

(2) The girl unfortunately is stuck in a leased apartment with her ex boyfriend. Her ex boyfriend also hates my guts and won't allow me in the apartment.

Personally, I love tattoos. And the man I end up with hopefully will too! I have five. They are not totally visible, but they are there. I also have a great job, a master's degree, my own home, and an active social life.

Tattoos are not indicative of anything. Your mom will get over that in time.

But, the living with the ex thing is a different story. Mom is right on this one!

Of course the ex thinks she broke up because of you. Despite what she says, she may have done. No doubt things were probably not great between them for a while, but you coming along so that she could break up with her bf and still chance a soft landing is pretty damn convenient. It may not be the thing, but it smells like the thing.

Anyway, whether you are the reason they broke up or not, you would still be a rebound. Since it's still so early (it sounds like you haven't even been on an official date?), I would walk the other way, unless you have some points in her favor that we don't know about.

Find a girl who is covered in tattoos and more than a few weeks out from a serious relationship.

1) Listen to your mother.

(2) The girl unfortunately is stuck in a leased apartment with her ex boyfriend. This is a legitimate concern, and I've been putting a lot of thought lately into whether or not I want to be in a relationship with someone in this situation. Her ex boyfriend also hates my guts and won't allow me in the apartment. We also live an hour apart. It is a very messy situation, I will admit, and both the girl and I know that.

2) Listen to your mother.

You tell the girl that you like her, but it seems she has a lost of unfinished business and you are looking for someone who is free to date.

Do not go out "as friends". If you run into eachother next year and her situation is different, that's another matter. There are TONS of young women in the 18-22 range who have no such baggage

as far as the tattoos -- if they are on her face or neck or are objectionable/offensive subject matters, the mom could have reason to prefer not. Or if the young woman cries that she doesn't have any money but has all these recent expensive looking tattoos.

Dating someone living with someone they were intimate with is simply no go zone man. Whatever the reason.

I'd simply tell her that's too much baggage for me, and asking for far too much trust and commitment on my part and not enough on your part.

If and when your living situation is tenable call me. Until then... It's been real.

I'm sorry man but this would simply be a deal breaker for me.

OP, you are more than likely going to get your heart broken by this girl.

She just broke up with her ex, will continue living with him for another year, and is sending you marriage quotes. This is nuts. She is rebounding hardcore and before you know it, she'll be distancing herself from you, and then telling you she is going to try to "work on it" with her ex. She is immature, and her choices and judgment in this situation reflect that. Granted, most of us are immature at that age and make a lot of wrong turns before we grow.

Don't get invested. This girl isn't girlfriend material for you. It doesn't matter how you bring this up to her; she isn't in a place to be dating anyone seriously.

Thanks for all the replies so far, I really appreciate them.

To be honest, I don't think I'm just a rebound for her. She has been interested in me for four years now. She wanted to date me last December, but I turned her down for personal reasons. That's when she went on to date the other guy who she recently broke up with. I could be wrong, but I'm thinking she likes me more than she ever liked him.

What I do see as a major concern (especially reading all the good points you've all made) is the fact that she lives with someone she used to be intimate with. I will make sure she knows I don't want a relationship at least until she can get out of that situation.

Yes absolutely. In fact pull back and don't hover around. Why? Because she'll still have the live-in bf and doesn't have to change that. If you stick around as friends (since you can't visit her with the bf living there) all the more she can take advantage and see you as a weak second runner. Keep in mind even if you win this prize, she may do to you what she's doing to him.

I will make sure she knows I don't want a relationship at least until she can get out of that situation.

Thanks for all the replies so far, I really appreciate them.

 

To be honest, I don't think I'm just a rebound for her. She has been interested in me for four years now. She wanted to date me last December, but I turned her down for personal reasons. That's when she went on to date the other guy who she recently broke up with. I could be wrong, but I'm thinking she likes me more than she ever liked him.

 

What I do see as a major concern (especially reading all the good points you've all made) is the fact that she lives with someone she used to be intimate with. I will make sure she knows I don't want a relationship at least until she can get out of that situation.

Yes, I would not consider dating her until she is living away from her ex. As far as the tattoos I agree that if you're ok with them or more than ok that should be the only factor here.

To be honest, I don't think I'm just a rebound for her. She has been interested in me for four years now. She wanted to date me last December, but I turned her down for personal reasons. That's when she went on to date the other guy who she recently broke up with. I could be wrong, but I'm thinking she likes me more than she ever liked him.

December 2018, I gather?

So in the span of about 6 months, she wanted you, went out with someone else, moved in with him, broke up with him, and is back to pursing you.

Her ex? That will be you one day if you keep seeing her.

Never ever date someone that shows such bad sense of judgement. She's impulsive, flighty and unstable. No mature individual would chase a guy, get with someone else, move in together, break up and then pursue previous guy weeks after breakup proclaiming stuff about marriage. Yikes. Bad news, do the smart thing and listen to your mum.

Potential train wreck. Potential for a lot of gut wrenching heartache and a messy, painful split after a "relationship" full of anxiety and uncertainty.

Forget the tattoos. Look at the character she's demonstrating. Or lack or character.

Red flag 1: He wanted you, got with another, moved in with him, broke up with him, all in six months. This indicates emotional instability.

Red flag 2: She is still living with her ex and is trying to date you. Monkey branching is her break up style so you are getting a preview of how she breaks up i.e. how you will be treated in the event of a break up.

Red flag 3: She is talking marriage way too soon yet she intends to keep living with her ex, which is immature and indicates an impulsive character. Love bombing you while her actions don't match, again, indicates emotional instability imo.

You need to lay and uphold boundaries when it comes to your morher actively interfering in your personal life, but you also need to acknowledge that this is an unhealthy situation you are stepping into.

As for the tattoos, if they are too big they can prevent her from getting certain jobs but that's projecting way into the future.

What I do see as a major concern (especially reading all the good points you've all made) is the fact that she lives with someone she used to be intimate with. I will make sure she knows I don't want a relationship at least until she can get out of that situation.

- good thinking, I agree.

To be honest, I don't think I'm just a rebound for her. She has been interested in me for four years now. She wanted to date me last December, but I turned her down for personal reasons. That's when she went on to date the other guy who she recently broke up with. I could be wrong, but I'm thinking she likes me more than she ever liked him.

- don't be so sure. She may like you more than the other guy NOW, but that does not mean she loves you. She may be on the rebound.

Now, she may get over the rebound period/her ex in a year or so. THEN, she might be ready for you.

In the mean time, I would not put all my eggs in one basket. I would date other women.

Yeah what happened in the past doesn't matter - you are a rebound now. Whether it's "only" a rebound you can never know, but it's not a great sign that there has been no time between relationships for her to reflect. How can she know what she is really looking for if she bounces between partners so easily?