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Thread: My mom rejects a potential girlfriend, and I'm in a messy situation

  1. #1
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    My mom rejects a potential girlfriend, and I'm in a messy situation

    There is a girl [21F] who I've [21M] been talking to lately who I really get along with. My dad has not stated that he has any problems with her, but my mom has given the following two reasons as to why I shouldn't date her:

    (1) The girl has tattoos. My mom seems to bring this reason up the most; she thinks it is a sign of immaturity and worldliness. Yesterday I walked in on her venting about me and she said "Imagine your baby being held by a mother with TATTOOS!" I personally would never get a tattoo myself, and I'm not a huge fan of them. But I think my mom's being so judgmental about someone who did choose to get some.

    (2) The girl unfortunately is stuck in a leased apartment with her ex boyfriend. This is a legitimate concern, and I've been putting a lot of thought lately into whether or not I want to be in a relationship with someone in this situation. Her ex boyfriend also hates my guts and won't allow me in the apartment. We also live an hour apart. It is a very messy situation, I will admit, and both the girl and I know that.

    I've been trying to handle this situation myself and make the right decision (mainly about the concerning first reason), but my mom butts in with her comments and opinions that only frustrate an already frustrated ArchieAnon when I'm having to deal with a messy situation.

    So firstly, what do you all think I should do in terms of the messy situation (which, again, I think is a legitimate concern)?

    And secondly, what should I say to my mother? Am I the one being unreasonable?

    Thanks!

  2. #2
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    As an owner of a couple small tattoos myself, I will say that Mom is being ridiculously judgmental. However, if she liked your girl, it probably wouldn’t be that much of an issue after a while.

    The much bigger and more serious problem is that she still lives with her ex. Mom is right to be concerned about that, and this probably magnifies other minor things she doesn’t like about her. I personally would strongly advise you against dating her until she’s out of that apartment. Too much drama and potential for unfinished emotional business with him.

    When did they break up, and when is she (or he) moving out?

  3. #3
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    Regardless of what your mom thinks about your gf, are you sure you want to date someone who is still living with their ex? It’s too messy and you also live far from each other. I’d back off, but that’s just my opinion.

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    As an owner of a couple small tattoos myself, I will say that Mom is being ridiculously judgmental. However, if she liked your girl, it probably wouldn’t be that much of an issue after a while.

    The much bigger and more serious problem is that she still lives with her ex. Mom is right to be concerned about that, and this probably magnifies other minor things she doesn’t like about her. I personally would strongly advise you against dating her until she’s out of that apartment. Too much drama and potential for unfinished emotional business with him.

    When did they break up, and when is she (or he) moving out?
    She broke up with him in late June, only a few weeks ago. He hates me because he thinks she broke up with him for me (which she says is not true, which I've taken her word for). Unfortunately she literally just moved into this apartment, and the lease lasts until May or June 2020. It does not sound like she plans to move out before then, so far.

    I do understand the concern here. I've told her that I'd prefer her to move out if we date, but she doesn't seem to understand what the problem I have is. Firstly she said she'd rather not live with a stranger, and then she said she literally can't move out. I feel like there is undoubtedly a way to get out of that lease, but it seems to me she's just not trying very hard to get out of there.

    It does concern me the more I think about it. If there was a night where I wasn't available and she was feeling lonely, who is more tempting to go to than the guy who she shared an emotional connection with in the recent past? Anything could happen in that apartment I'm not allowed in, and I would be clueless to it.

    How can I further express this concern to her without making it seem like I don't trust her?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    A lease is for a year, so obviously her breakup from him hasn't been very long. A person usually isn't good and ready to date until a good substantial time alone to mourn and process that relationship, and time to move on so that the next relationship won't be a rebound.

    New relationships should be about fun and enjoyment, not about being drawn into the drama and toxicity of the mess she hasn't extricated herself from yet. Why let yourself be upset on a regular basis when you're barely invested? Find a local girl who you can have a drama-free relationship with.

    As far as your mother goes, tell her you didn't get to choose who her lifetime partner was, and she doesn't get to choose yours. Tell her you'd like to be left alone in the relationship department to learn from your life experiences, whether it be good or bad, mistakes or good choices. There was no reason to introduce this girl to them since it wasn't serious. In the future, don't bring the girl around until the relationship has progressed to that point. And if she's still trying to judge a new partner, tell her that's your gf she's talking about, and if she's saying unkind things, you will hang up the phone or leave her home so she will lose the pleasure of your company for that moment. You teach people how to treat you with consequences.

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    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Tell your mom that you are only 21, and most likely will not be marrying this girl anyways. You are just dating, and since you are an adult, you can date anyone you see fit. Then proceed to tell her that you are not the one that needs to grow up here.

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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    A lease is for a year, so obviously her breakup from him hasn't been very long. A person usually isn't good and ready to date until a good substantial time alone to mourn and process that relationship, and time to move on so that the next relationship won't be a rebound.

    New relationships should be about fun and enjoyment, not about being drawn into the drama and toxicity of the mess she hasn't extricated herself from yet. Why let yourself be upset on a regular basis when you're barely invested? Find a local girl who you can have a drama-free relationship with.

    As far as your mother goes, tell her you didn't get to choose who her lifetime partner was, and she doesn't get to choose yours. Tell her you'd like to be left alone in the relationship department to learn from your life experiences, whether it be good or bad, mistakes or good choices. There was no reason to introduce this girl to them since it wasn't serious. In the future, don't bring the girl around until the relationship has progressed to that point. And if she's still trying to judge a new partner, tell her that's your gf she's talking about, and if she's saying unkind things, you will hang up the phone or leave her home so she will lose the pleasure of your company for that moment. You teach people how to treat you with consequences.
    This makes sense, thank you. Everything feels fine when I'm with the girl, but when there's distance I do occasionally feel very overwhelmed and stressed out about the situation we're in. To add to it, I'm also fresh out of college and trying to find a job.

    I'm just not exactly sure what to say to her anymore. I've tried to communicate my concerns, and she listens but tries to dismiss them as nothing to worry about or things we can work through. So for the past couple of weeks I feel like we've just been avoiding the topic. She seems to be very emotionally invested in me right now, as she's occasionally sent me internet quotes suggesting marriage. I think she can tell I recoil from these, so she hasn't been sending them lately.

    I guess I should try to bring up my concerns again? I just wonder how I can do it without making her think I don't trust her or don't have feelings for her.

  9. #8
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    You better tell your mom to get with the program - tattoos are popular. I even see women in their 40's with them. Even the nice christian girls get them these days.

    I was dating a christian woman once and I made a joke, "Let's all get drunk and get tattoos!" She said she did that once. Then she pulled down her pants and showed me her tattoo!

    But don't ever date a woman with a stalker ex. That's trouble. Find another girl who does not have major problems.

    By the way, if I ever get a tattoo, I'll get one on my butt that reads, "If you can read this, you are too close!"

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Her living space (this early) shouldn't be your problem. I don't advise getting involved with someone like this because of poor judgments on her part. Sorry. She's hasn't displayed or showed you anything that suggests stability, proactiveness or independence in a relationship. Actually she hasn't displayed adequate recognition or any cognitive ability to understand your concerns (post #4, 2nd paragraph). I also don't like saying this but listen to the caution bubbling up inside you: If she's unable to support herself and depends on her ex-boyfriend to pay most of the living expenses and rent, you'll be inheriting those problems if you're in a relationship with her.

    To add to this, you don't sound financially sound or stable yourself as you are also looking for a permanent (full time?) position perhaps related to your area of study. I have to ask what on earth drew you to this individual in the first place? Was it that you didn't know much about her before you both started flirting or going on dates? I'd also be asking about why some of this information was withheld before you both started being intimate. Can you pinpoint further on what points you feel you both get along? Your post #1, 1st paragraph. I'm not seeing any similarities here and your reasons for getting along may be a little too much on the surface (superficial). It's easy to get pulled in also by magnetic personalities.

    Think long term, not short term.

    Having said all of this, good for you for being open to others who choose to express themselves through tattoos or other means. There are quite a lot of professionals and productive individuals who live rewarding lives and give back to their community and support their families and loved ones (the polar opposite of this woman) who have tattoos or piercings. I wouldn't use her as a measuring stick of any kind.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    After reading more, that she only broke up with him weeks ago and is sending you quotes about marriage--wow! She is trying to escape from her own problems by delving into a new fantasy.

    There are ways to get out of leases. He could get a male roommate or she could get a female roommate. The landlord could be spoken to and asked if they could list the apartment and when it was rented, the two could move out.

    No, I wouldn't speak to her anymore. You already did so. If you will only be happy if someone changes or the major hurdle needs changing, it means it's not the right relationship for you. Seek a person whose situation you don't want to change in any way, shape, or form.

    Your self esteem needs a lot of work if you stick around for more of this nonsense.

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