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Thread: Spouse is 6 months pregnant and left me.

  1. #1
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    Spouse is 6 months pregnant and left me.

    So here it goes.

    Weíve been together 5 years. We have a 2 year old son and she is 6 months pregnant. She left me 1.5 months ago. She said it was because I did t appreciate her, I took her for granted and I didnít make her feel like a priority. She said several times she doesnít feel like I love her or care about her.

    After my own reflection. I also think itís because we gave up on trying keeping the emotional connection alive.

    I love this woman our family and every day weíve been apart has made me realize how much I love her. I feel guilty for not being there now to support her through this pregnancy.

    She started seeing another man within days of me leaving the home, he is unattractive and from what Iíve heard not a good man. Anyways I k ow itís likely she started things with him before I left our home. I dont suspect her of physical cheating but Iím certain there was conversations over Facebook before I ever left the house.

    She has pressed charges on me recently out of nowhere. Spousal abuse. She said 3 years ago we were arguing and I pushed her on our bed. Just to be clear that never happened.

    Itís also worth noting she has ptsd from
    Childhood trauma as well anxiety.
    She also didnít do well in the first pregnancy and seemed to act irrationally at times. Being upset over trivial things. Pushing me away etc.

    I have no idea why she is doing this. I know we had problems with communication and that I wasnít a very good spouse. Iíd often make her feel alone by not making an effort to spend time with her I didnít try to romance her. Etc

    I miss her and our family fiercely. I guess
    I was hoping for advice on how to increase the chances of us reconciling as well as insight on what might be going on in her head.

    Thank you all. I am not in a good
    Place and feel sick thinking she is cuddling with another man. That this other man is feeling my baby move as the cuddle.

  2. #2
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    What happened with the charges pressed?

    It sounds like you are trying to second guess her feelings and asking us to?
    We canít do that and neither can you?

    Boils down to poor communication.
    Although it does sound like she expressed herself but you never listened.
    Why not?

    Perhaps tell us more , your side of the story? Not what you think is hers?
    Then we might be able to attempt to see whatís going on?

  3. #3
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    Okay hereís more info.


    I was a ty spouse. Thereís no other way to put it. Itís not because I was the world biggest or abusive, or particularly hard to live with.

    I was a ty spouse because I didnít respect my partners thoughts and feelings about things I mistakenly believed didnít matter. When two people disagree, both think theyíre right. Which makes the other person wrong. And thatís was the wrong mindset. We can both perceive things differently and at the same time both our feelings be valid.

    That was the trouble, I consistently invalidated her feelings without consciously doing it.

    I did by not taking her pain or frustrations seriously when I didnít understand them.

    I did it by not taking the time to understand why she felt the way she did when she frustrated, or angry , or sad.

    I did it by allowing myself to be blinded by the hurt she had caused me, when I needed to be compassionate and acknowledging of her emotions.

    Sheís said on numerous occasions that she felt I didnít love her or care for her, and I just brushed it off because I couldnít understand how she could feel like that. Iíd say things like;

    ďhow can you feel that way! Look at all the things I do for you, I do anything you ask like make you snacks when youíre hungry or clean up, and I honour 90% of your requests of me.i build you things that you want and work on our home! I wouldnít do these things if I didnít love you.Ē

    But what I failed to realize then was that just because thatís a way I show love doesnít mean thatís how she sees it. I didnít LISTEN to what she was saying she NEEDED.

    She wanted the affection, sex, romance, to give her heart completely to me and she wanted us to be a family, all as much as I did. I know that. Where I failed was in understanding that she wasnít feeling loved. So she couldnít give those things or accept them. She needed the compassion and a willingness from me to truly listen to her and hear her. She needed me to show her that she was important to me and that I prioritized her. She needed me to see her sadness and do something about it.

    When your spouse is at their threshold of emotional pain itís up to you to put your feelings aside and acknowledge their feelings. It didnít even have to be much. I could have simply crawled into bed and held her close and said;

    ďI know youíre hurting and Iím sorry. When youíre ready I want to know whatís bothering you.Ē

    And than followed through. If it was something that I was doing i needed to acknowledge and change that behaviour. If it was something else I needed to support her and make her feel safe that we would tackle it together and she had me in her corner.

    For years, I put my wants and needs ahead of herís. Not for the big things which is all I thought mattered. I put me first in all the ďlittle things.Ē Disagreements about housework, passively leaving her to manage our schedules, and the logistics of caring for our children.
    She tried to talk to me about it. But I didnít listen.
    I thought she was nagging. Complaining. Being needy. Being a .

    I thought because I was a nice person, and that Iíd made sacrifices for her, that I was a good spouse. I thought because I didnít do a bunch of bad things some guys do that I was a good spouse. I didnít realize it until much too late: Good men can be bad spouses.


    think the hardest part about all this is how much guilt I feel for not supporting her in this pregnancy and now not having the chance to make that right. I would give anything to be able to be there for her and our children during this time.

    I have a lot of regrets about our relationship mostly how I treated her like she was second or even third in my list of priorities. I loved her and our family to depths I didnít even know
    possible and yet I couldnít show it.

    My counsellor has helped me greatly in working out Why. weíve let our childhood and how much lack of attention/affection we got change us and put our walls up. I wish I had started unpacking this stuff sooner. Riley had asked me to go to counselling before and I think maybe she understood this was the issue or at least part of it. She was right and I should have listened.
    I honestly believe she wanted this work and it took a lot for her to leave.

    Not talking to her for several weeks has given me a lot of clarity about the situation and I think she left because she didnít see any other option. I didnít give her any other option. I know she loved me. And she wanted things to work out but I think at the end she just felt there was no hope of things getting better because I didnít show her any intention of making things better.

    Itís a hard pill to swallow that she is with someone else now but I guess I just hope she find happiness and her and I can move forward now and maybe one day be someone approximating friends and good coparents.

    I think a part of me will always hope she will see how much I love her and that I understand why she left and that sheíll give our family another chance. At this time the best thing I can do is push that out of my mind though and if it ever happens that she expresses interest is trying again, than focus on it and give it my all.

    For now I need to be strong for myself the children and her and let my feelings go so I can be there for her and our baby without stressing her out. That means when we are able to talk again I absolutely must not mention anything about our relationship or try to talk to her about it again. I need to let that die. If we ever do try again it will be building something new and not building on the past anyways. I also need to listen to what her boundaries are and respect them.

  4. #4
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    ď That means when we are able to talk again I absolutely must not mention anything about our relationship or try to talk to her about it again. I need to let that die.Ē

    I hope your therapist didnít suggest that!?

    Itís a must to discuss these things. Regardless of the outcome .
    To not discuss is you doing what it seems you always have done. Invalidated her feelings? Putting you first?

    What???

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  6. #5
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    Iím saying this because she expressed that she does not want to talk about it. I absolutely want to. But I wonít initiative or know if I should since she expressed she does not want to talk about our relationship.

  7. #6
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    She doesnít want to talk about it anymore , she clearly tried to before and it fell on deaf ears and she was called a nag for discussing things.
    So, for the meantime she is done talking.

    Has she ever had an apology from you that didnít involve the word sorry?

    Perhaps you need to write her a letter. Not saying sorry. But a letter that suggests you now understand.

    It could of course be that you two are truly incompatible. If you are then itís best you co parent.
    If you believe that itís not incompatibility but lack of communication and understanding , are you willing to be the man she needs you to be?

  8. #7
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    Look, all we have to go on is your side of the story, but here's my take after reading your posts:

    1. She left you, started a relationship with another man, and has made clear she is unwilling to work on the issues or talk with you about them.
    2. You have had issues in your relationship going back awhile now. You seem to know what those were on your part. This is not one-sided - she has issues too. You are willing to work on them together and she is not.
    3. She pressed charges against you for actions you state you never did.

    What you need to do now is focus on you, resolve the matter that is being brought up against you - work with a lawyer to settle the charges however possible. Move on from this woman because as you describe her she is extremely unstable and unpredictable, and these circumstances are not healthy for you or your family. Stop wallowing in what you did wrong, accept that it is over (and that is probably for the best), and try to work on mending the mess as much as possible for yourself and your kids.

  9. #8
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    That relationship didnít start AFTER she left the house that was before. I hope for the sake of your kids you guys can work this out. I would see a lawyer though. Because you have a right to your children.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Does she have a restraining order against you? It would be best to leave her alone. No one can give you tips on how to reenter her life if you admit to and were charged with abuse.
    Originally Posted by Placidmatt
    She has pressed charges on me recently out of nowhere. Spousal abuse.

  11. #10
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    Way to take that out of context. Maybe post the other two lines after that quote.

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