My ex and I met online and had a serious relationship for two-and-a-half years. I work as a lawyer in Asia (age 32) and he works as a freelance graphic artist in the US (also age 32). We were surprised to find out we both had the same ethnicities and since meeting, we never stopped talking/video-chatting everyday. This was my first time experiencing a long-distance relationship (LDR) and this was his second, for context.
I know this part may seem sickening to hear... but at the first year of our relationship, we constantly expressed to each other how our connection was like none other. We were both artists and found creative ways to express our affections for each other online. Chemistry was the best I've ever experienced in all my 32 years. Everywhere I went, he was with me. Everyone in my life, he knew. We talked about our dreams, our vulnerabilities, our lives, our pains, everything.
During the span of the relationship, I visited him twice (1 month per year). I got along really well with his family and friends. He and I did new things together, traveled a lot, and even exchanged promise rings. A few months later, just as he was saving up to come visit me, he broke up with me.
Now, during the seven (7) months leading up to the break-up, our relationship was strained. We argued a lot. Both big and petty things. (I wanted him to visit me as well and meet my family. I wanted to see him actually save up money from his freelance job and show me how our relationship could surpass the online world, etc.) At the time, I felt like I was truly in the right and did my absolute best to be transparent and healthy in communicating. As amazing as our connection was, he seemed to have had difficulties with money, finding a career, and sustaining the vision for the relationship on a 'realistic' level (bridging the gap.) During 2 separate occassions, I admit I lost my temper and said some hurtful things because he would stonewall me or immediately discontinue the conversation. He was able to pick up a job serving food at a bar to help with savings, and I was very supportive.
In truth, he tried breaking up with me once before he ended things, but we always managed to "work through it" hours later or the following day. Perhaps we were codependent without knowing it. There was a good mix of both happy days and bad days, until the bad days became the majority. There was no cheating or abuse involved, but resentment and emotional distance.
The day before we broke up, he said to me that although he noticed I did everything "right" towards the end (we were no longer fighting), his heart was no longer in it anymore.
When we had a "closure" talk, I asked him what I did wrong to improve upon. He said that the 3 things which stood out to him during the last year were:
1. I made him feel like he was not enough/he didn't do enough,
2. My emotional outbursts got pretty overwhelming for him, and
3. My insecurities manifested in ways that made him question if our values were aligned.
He also said the distance made things worse, and upon long introspection, he needed to learn how to exist outside of a relationship and stop seeking validation from one (get his '****' together). He said he could no longer reciprocate the things I willingly did for him, and that I ultimately deserved better.
It was a swift break-up. He just told me very calmly that he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore and that he was no longer happy. I was anxious. I begged and pleaded immediately after (I know, super wrong move) but I truly did not want to lose him. He was my bestfriend and I told him that our conflicts should make us stronger as a unit and not fall apart. But he simply told me to respect his decision, especially since it was the "hardest decision" he ever had to make, for himself.
I went No Contact a week after our break up (05 June 2019). I was a wreck, grieving from the trauma, but I knew I had to respect his decision.
He reached out to me 2 weeks after No Contact only to say: "I hope you are being kind to yourself. Please remember you are whole."
The following day, (I initiated the conversation) we asked each other how we were doing. He said he was struggling emotionally because he felt like our connection truly was amazing and that he "genuinely missed and still misses" me "very much".
Seeing that we were doing okay with the communication so far, I sent him a video (like the ones we used to make for each other) where I wrote the words: "It's still you" on a whiteboard. *cringe*
He replied coldly, "Thank you for sharing your truth." He also asked me if talking to him was good for my healing. My anxiety got to the best of me and I ended up apologizing for the video and asking him if he had completely lost feelings. We told each other how we would love each other 'forever' and have given each other the best days of our lives.
But what hurt the most was that he told me he wouldn't reconcile with me at all... and even if the future was uncertain for reconsideration, he was neither "hoping for, working towards, or considering" us being together in the future. I was devastated. It had been almost 4 weeks after our break up, and his decision was still the same. I was back to square one, crying again. I eventually asked him politely not to reach out to me anymore to which he agreed. This took place 8 days ago. Yesterday, he unfollowed me on social media and deleted our pictures together.
Is it completely over for us at this point? 😞 I still truly want him back. If this is no longer an option, how do I move on?
(Please be gentle?)
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