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Thread: If a guy backs off to figure things out BEFORE dating??

  1. #1
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    If a guy backs off to figure things out BEFORE dating??

    Hi. I'm wondering if someone could provide their input on a situation i was in.
    This guy I've known through friends for some time expressed interest in me, he pursued me, flirted, and we spoke pretty much daily via text or in person for about 2 or 3 months. He seemed really interested in me and it was clear he wasnt talking to~ any other girl at the time except me. He even asked me out at one point, and we'd arranged that date, but then something else unrelated to both of us happened so that didnt end up happening at that time, but we still continued to chat/flirt like usual, and things seemed really great, actually.

    Then suddenly he withdrew and stopped replying to my texts, and I mean suddenly. When I asked he'd say he was busy and didnt mean to. We spoke a bit. Then he withdrew again.
    At which point I brought it up more seriously to him, and he actually asked me if I wanted to talk about it in a little more detail. We talked a bit and he told me that I didnt do anything, and that he was trying to go as slow as he could because hes trying to figure out things and where he wants this to go...and we agreed that some space was best right now.

    Now I wasn't clingy at all, in fact I was probably the more distant one. I dont think hes a jerk so I dont think hes lying to me about the figuring things out line.... but I dont know. Can someone enlighten me as to why someone would pull away like this when things seem good? What is there to "figure out" ?? I've not heard of that happening BEFORE you start dating someone lol. I'm confused...

  2. #2
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    Next.

    Seriously. Don't bother waiting around for someone who keeps retreating. Whatever the reason, it won't be worth it for you.

    In my experience, though? This often means there is another person on the scene who's got their attention.

  3. #3
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    He just isn’t that interested and you were his one option until now.
    Don’t take that personally. You just aren’t his type.

    He sort of likes you but now he has other options he is investigating a more genuine interest in another but keeping you as a back up.

    Don’t be that back up.

    Just fade away.

    If someone is keen on you they won’t chat for 2-3 months, they will try to meet in 2-3 weeks. If no meet after a month. Stop being their chat buddy ego booster so they gain confidence to chat up another? Where does / did that leave you?

  4. #4
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    It’s a waste of time, I’d let this go, whenever I hear a guy is trying to figure out things. Some men just flirt for fun, they need an ego boost, don’t be his entertainment. Good luck!

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by lightorb11
    Hi. I'm wondering if someone could provide their input on a situation i was in.
    This guy I've known through friends for some time expressed interest in me, he pursued me, flirted, and we spoke pretty much daily via text or in person for about 2 or 3 months. He seemed really interested in me and it was clear he wasnt talking to~ any other girl at the time except me. He even asked me out at one point, and we'd arranged that date, but then something else unrelated to both of us happened so that didnt end up happening at that time, but we still continued to chat/flirt like usual, and things seemed really great, actually.

    Then suddenly he withdrew and stopped replying to my texts, and I mean suddenly. When I asked he'd say he was busy and didnt mean to. We spoke a bit. Then he withdrew again.
    At which point I brought it up more seriously to him, and he actually asked me if I wanted to talk about it in a little more detail. We talked a bit and he told me that I didnt do anything, and that he was trying to go as slow as he could because hes trying to figure out things and where he wants this to go...and we agreed that some space was best right now.

    Now I wasn't clingy at all, in fact I was probably the more distant one. I dont think hes a jerk so I dont think hes lying to me about the figuring things out line.... but I dont know. Can someone enlighten me as to why someone would pull away like this when things seem good? What is there to "figure out" ?? I've not heard of that happening BEFORE you start dating someone lol. I'm confused...
    blah blah need space, blah blah finding myself, blah blah.....

    When a man wants you, there will be none of this BS.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Well, you both did the same thing here: you had a phone relationship—the sort of thing that didn't exist before texting. You both got invested in a fantasy. He "freaked out" and "needed space" when the fantasy/relationship became "too much."

    Flirting, connecting, and so on over text—and text only, with a human you don't know and have never seen—is basically the shadow puppet version of romance. Feels kind of real until something like this happens and—poof—it's all a little show that entertained you both.

    I'd take this as cue to limit the texting stuff, and just focus on making plans. It shouldn't be a big deal or a sign that someone "even asked me out at one point," since that is the only point. Square one. Point of entry. If that isn't happening quick, or the only real focus, then something is amiss. You're just playing with pixels at the expense of your valuable time.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Sorry but he hasn't been fully truthful about things. I bet money on it he's found someone else...hence the total 180, and crickets. Next him!

  9. #8
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    3 months is way too long to go without a date, and on top of that, now he disappeared. If he's not asking you out on dates, he's just not into you.

  10. #9
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    sorry i didnt clarify, we work in the same building, we did see each other in person and even leave work together etc. it wasnt a phone relationship only. but i get your point, thank you

  11. #10
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    Agree so much with all the others. Ask yourself why you stuck around this long and tolerated the back and forth/hot/cold -do you really want to date him or were you more enjoying the thrill of the "chase"?

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