My inability to comfort my GF is costing me the love of my life

Before I begin talking about my problem I want to start off by saying this is all my fault. I am the one messing up constantly, I am the one doing the hurting, and I am the one who needs to do better. I'm reaching out to anyone who might be able to help me fix the mistakes I've made.

 

The problem my GF and I are going through are ones we've had for a few months now. My GF has gone through a lot of terrible things in her life and has a lot of emotional trauma. This makes her more susceptible to bouts of depression. During January/February of this year, she told me that she was starting to fall back into that depression. I told her that'd we'd get through it together and that I would always be there for her. This was the start of all the terrible things that are still affecting her to this moment.

 

Every time shes been feeling upset and I've attempted to comfort her I've failed and only made things worse and nothing I've done has seemed to make things better. After months of this, she has almost no hope of me making things better as my promises all seem fake now. I don't know what I am doing wrong and where I could go better. I've watched videos after videos and made notes after notes. We're talking about certain things I could do and still not enough. This pattern has continued for so long that even with weeks of nothing bad happening we always seem to fall back into it.

 

The solution that I have been working on is that I know if we can go for a long long time of having very small issues or none whatsoever I know we'll be alright. Once I get in the groove I think I can do this. Some other solutions I've made has been making notes on all the different kind of sadness or anger she goes through and has plans for every single one of them and even just key terms to avoid. I have been getting better, I'll have nights where she's been upset and I've made her happy by the end of it so I know that this isn't a hopeless task for me. The problem with that is that one moment of weakness is enough to make all of that seem useless.

 

I'm asking anyone for any kind of advice on what do here. I need to know how I can show my GF that I am emotionally available for her and that I haven't stopped trying to work on this and I need to know how I can possibly stop this from continuing by ways of providing constant support. I know that I can help and that's all I want to do.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and please ask any questions if you have any.

From what you just described the issue is that you are unable to fix her depression? You're clearly doing a lot and bending into all sorts of shapes and sizes to accommodate and soothe her, but reading the above I'm most interested to know what she has been doing. Therapy? Medicines? New eating or exercise habits?

 

At the end of the day depression is not something you can cure in another person, but something people have to learn to manage to deal with on their own. If she had a broken leg and couldn't walk, would you blame yourself? A broken spirit is not so different, you know?

 

How long were you two together before the depression came on this winter? And how were things between you then? And how old are you both? I'd be curious to know those answers before advising further.

Sounds to me that you're working overtime already. How could you possibly be MORE emotionally available than you are now?

 

Is she putting forth any effort in working on the problem? Has she seen a doctor to see if she can get a handle on her depression?

I've made has been making notes on all the different kind of sadness or anger she goes through and has plans for every single one of them and even just key terms to avoid.

 

You are walking on eggshells around her. I am sorry to say that she is not emotionally healthy enough to be in a relationship if things on the list are just normal, everyday things people talk about. She should be looking at ways to cope with her depression instead of expecting you to fix things or constantly make her feel better.

You're being too hard on yourself. You're not a clinical psychologist nor her therapist. She's expecting you to have this knowledge as her support system which is unfair to both of you. You are burdened having to fix her while your girlfriend is relying on you to deliver and you cannot.

 

It's not a sound, healthy relationship when you have to constantly be the one taking care of her mental state. I feel sorry for her depression. However, she is the one who needs to seek professional help and work on herself before she can have a normal, stable relationship with you, her boyfriend. Until she takes care of herself first, both of you will have this taxing job constantly tending to her problems which becomes your stressful problems which is unhealthy.

 

You need to take a step back and let her take care of herself first and then you can be an encouragement. Any more than that are unreasonable expectations.

OP

 

Please take this advice from someone who tried to ‘fix’ her exes mental health issues for three years. It’s impossible and it will drain you and most likely you’ll put so much of yourself into it you’ll lose yourself.

 

This may sound harsh given you love her and want to make things better. Don’t try to help or fix her.

 

Only she can help herself.

 

I say walk away for your own sanity!

 

That may sound selfish but it’s more selfish later becoming bitter because of her.

Deleted, changed my mind.

 

There are reasons for that but don't want to risk a ban by posting them.

I'm not sure this is simply depression. Someone else with more experience might be able to correct me but this sounds more like codependency. The whole situation is a bit inappropriate and vastly imbalanced. I do second a lot of the opinions here and I'm concerned that you might need some help also centering yourself and therapy readjusting. This is not a healthy relationship and I'm not sure why you've gone this far.

I'm asking anyone for any kind of advice on what do here.

Stop playing psychiatrist to her, encourage her to get the therapy that she needs to help her through her issues then YOU go to your own therapy to help you to get past your "White Knight Syndrome" (google that term and read).

 

With all of your good intentions, you aren't helping either yourself or her by trying to be her saviour. Because you are failing at your attempts to fix, you yourself are feeling like you're failing her and her sickness is "all your fault." Son, her issues are not yours.

 

What do your parents think of you trying to fix this little broken doll you've found yourself with?

Replied in your identical thread: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=559226&p=7123148&viewfull=1#post7123148

So now I see you posted basically this same thing 3 months ago. Some cursory math leads me to conclude that, at this point, you've now been in this phase of the relationship as long as you were in the "good" phase you're desperately trying to get back to.

 

Think about that for a moment. You are quickly tipping into the moment when the majority of your time with this woman has been bad, spent beating yourself up for not being able to fix her, heal her, cure her. In other words this is not a "rough patch," but what you guys are, what your relationship is, what you plus her has evolved into.

 

And, per Rose's post above, it sounds deeply codependent. She's struggling, I get it. But you're struggling too. You can stay focused on her depression, but do know that that focus is a form of sickness too. That feeling of being drained that haunts you daily? That devouring obsession with her and fixing things? That isn't quite love, but something else.

 

I'm not saying there isn't love here, on both sides, but neither of you are harnessing that inside the relationship. It's not the fuel in the engine. That fuel is something a little more questionable, dangerous, and spirit-crushing. Codependency. Do some Googling.

 

Whatever is going on with her, I would take some real time right now to figure out what's going on with you.

How did you make her worse? what did you do exactly...

Well if she's got mental issues such as excess emotional baggage and depression, there is probably not much you can do for her, she needs professional counseling.

 

It's a sad thing to say but some people with mental issues do not make good catches.

Is it possible for you to step out of yourself for a minute and look at your situation as a third party? It really sounds like she is very manipulative! Why is she counting on you to get her out of her depression? That's her job.

 

What she's doing is trying to make you as miserable as she is because misery loves company. She needs to get real, qualified help for her issues and stop blaming you. And you need to stand up to her and tell her that!