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Chronic coughing from partner


Npgirl09

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I’ve been with my bf for a year now (me: 25, him: 31) and I recently took notice to this cough that he does. It’s kind of like a combo of snorting and then it sounds as though he’s about to spit out phlegm in his throat. (Note-he is not a smoker, has never been a smoker.) Thinking back to the year we’ve been together, I think he’s always done this but it stood out to me at the beginning of this year. There has not been a single day that has gone by that he doesn’t do it since I took notice, and he does it throughout the day. Now the times he has spent the night, he has woken up in the middle of the night multiple times to do it in the bathroom. My apartment is super tiny so I wake up and have to hear it which makes me mad because it throws my whole sleep cycle off. I can imagine it really sucks for him too.

There are periods of time he doesn’t do it for a few hours or if we are at a restaurant, in public, or meeting with a group of people we aren’t too familiar with. I think he is cautious and makes sure to not do it. The second we are alone though he will begin to do it again.

 

There are times I have said “That cough doesn’t sound good, are you getting sick?” Or “have you ever gotten that cough checked out?” Or “you’ve been coughing all day, are you ok?” His response is normally just “I don’t know” or “I don’t know what’s going on” or “This is not a cough, I’m clearing my throat” or as of lately just flat out ignores me and changes the subject immediately.

He had been to the Dr. a few months ago and got a chest check up when he was sick and didn’t have any issues, so I don’t think he actually has any type of inflammatory issue.

 

I feel so bad because it looks like it’s something he can’t help but doing, and after researching online it could be a tic. My dad did this type of cough most of my childhood and the sound of it has always bugged me so I guess I know where this stems from.

Of course I know that I do/say things that annoy him all the time, so of course I’m not perfect. I understand this could be immature of me and I should fully accept it if I care about him, but I’m having a hard time fully getting over it. There are days It doesn’t bother me at all, but then there are days that do.

Has anyone ever dealt with this before? Can anyone give me any tips on how I can make myself not care so much about this?

 

I believe that telling him it bothers me would be extremely rude as it would be the same as him telling me he hates it when I sneeze; it’s something we can’t help but do.

 

Please help.

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It sounds like an OCD tick. A lot of people have them and don't even realize it. There is a guy in my office that has a weird snorting sound and it drives me nuts.

 

It is NOT rude of you to tell him that it bothers you. If it is interrupting your sleep, you are well within your right to say something. You do, however, need to come from a place of care when you tell him. And he can help it! It takes work, but he can do it! Just support him through the process.

 

Or you could try ear plugs?

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Acid reflux would be my guess.

 

There are OTC remedies for it - zantac is one.

 

But he should see a doctor cause it could be something much more serious, like lung cancer.

 

In fact, not to scare you but my late mom had this same sort of cough, for I can't even remember how long, and she was diagnosed with lung cancer.

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Ask him to go to a doctor again and get checked for allergies, gastroesophageal reflux, etc.. Put a HEPA filter in your apt. Do you have pets? Stop inviting him to sleep over until he agrees to go to a doctor, get allergy, GERD, etc meds, whatever. Most benign coughs are from upper respiratory inflammation, post nasal drip, etc.

he has woken up in the middle of the night multiple times to do it in the bathroom. My apartment is super tiny so I wake up and have to hear it which makes me mad because it throws my whole sleep cycle off.
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I had a nasty cough that lasted a year. It would make me cough so hard I thought my head would fly off. I went to the docs many times, was tested for many things, including asthma and tuberculosis, all negative. In the end I went to a respirologist and he put me on Prednisone which is heavy duty stuff and comes with warnings for adverse reactions and to get to the hospital asap. It's job was to break the cough cycle, which it did, I noticed improvement the first day. The cough was basically gone in about 10-14 days. It took a specialist to figure it out and and actually do something to help me.

 

Your bf should see his doc and demand a referral to a specialist.

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I'm not sure there's anything you can do aside from stop focusing so much on it and start appreciating other things in your relationship. Retrain your brain out of zeroing in on the abnormality because it sounds like you've developed a habit zoning in on it every time it happens (you were worried about his health).

 

Let it go or let go of him altogether. I'm curious why you'd let this get to you or vice versa (why he'd let it progress to being a bad habit). Are there any other issues in the relationship? Normally behaviours like this don't get under someone's skin unless you are annoyed by other things or other issues going on. You can also ask him to reduce doing it. If he's invested in the relationship and it comes across as disgusting or a bit gross-sounding I don't see why he won't oblige you in his throat-clearing (harmless or painless) activity. While he might not be able to get rid of doing it all the time, he can sure work on reducing it if it's not a health issue. You might feel valued and less annoyed in general at how gross or unnecessary it sounds (that he's making an effort).

 

I also want to add as an aside that I had coughs like that when I was eating a lot of sugar, cakes and gluten in general. I snored a lot and coughed a lot of phlegm-y type coughs. My husband is an ex-smoker who had the same problems back when he used to smoke. Maybe take a good look at your diet or other habits as a couple also.

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I actually would encourage him to see a doctor and figure out what it is, and how to stop it.

 

A chronic cough isn't normal, regardless of the reason. There have been many great possible reasons given here already (GERD, OCD, asthma, etc.), but it needs to be attended to.

 

This isn't just annoying to you. Others around him undoubtedly notice, and are bothered, by it.

 

Morever, his health is at issue. My dad used to belch all. the. TIME., and he thought it was just "normal". It was heart-related, and he had a quadruple bypass. These things aren't just "normal"; the body tells us when something is wrong.

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Again, I don't want to scare you but --

 

Small cell lung cancer symptoms

 

Persistent cough. (Beginning Stages)

Chest pain that gets worse with deep breathing, laughing or coughing.

Hoarseness.

Unexplained loss of appetite and weight.

Coughing up blood or rust-colored phlegm.

 

This is nothing to mess around with, he needs to see a doctor ASAP.

 

My mum died from this disease.

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I don't know. For me, this is another case of "life is too short." Dude's cough bothers you that much, then yeah, maybe a one-off question of what it's about. Then either he cares enough to get it checked out or he doesn't. If he doesn't care, what reason do you have to? And even if he did, if it's as mild and chronic as you're suggesting, it's just as likely as not that a doctor will properly diagnose and medically treat him.

 

If I were dating a woman like this, I'd decide whether I could live with the cough or not. Doubt he's damned to singledom for it.

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It's not too attractive though, is it?

 

Who wants a guy to constantly be reminding you of phlegm or ruining your sleep.

 

Ask him to please go see a doctor about it, hopefully it is just allergies or something small but Kat's not wrong...it could be as serious as cancer.

 

Either way, he should get it checked out, for both your sakes.

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Thank you all for your responses and some of the information you have provided on what his issue could be. It could definitely be any of those things mentioned.

I have tried to not zero in on it so much and appreciate other things, as he is a really nice guy. As mentioned, I don’t care about it sometimes but then it really gets to me other times because it is just so loud. I hate to sound dramatic, but it actually hurts my ears sometimes when he’s really close to me or when we’re on the phone. And as others have mentioned, it’s getting a little unattractive too I can’t lie. I’m sure he would feel the same if I was coughing like that all the time too.

 

I have talked to him about getting it seriously looked into, but he seems very uninterested in that. He does work in healthcare I might add so would have very easy access to get it looked into if he wanted to. Even while at work he could ask around so it looks like he sees it as unimportant.

He’s claimed he’s had allergies since he was young, but others mentioned it might be one of those tics he just can’t help but doing and doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. This appears to be an all year thing.

 

Could anyone suggest a way to broach the conversation about how the coughing is bothering me in a nice way? I don’t want to come off as rude. I have hinted at it sooo many times, and thought I was being pretty direct with my comments, but that’s clearly not making any sense to him.

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Thank you all for your responses and some of the information you have provided on what his issue could be. It could definitely be any of those things mentioned.

I have tried to not zero in on it so much and appreciate other things, as he is a really nice guy. As mentioned, I don’t care about it sometimes but then it really gets to me other times because it is just so loud. I hate to sound dramatic, but it actually hurts my ears sometimes when he’s really close to me or when we’re on the phone. And as others have mentioned, it’s getting a little unattractive too I can’t lie. I’m sure he would feel the same if I was coughing like that all the time too.

 

I have talked to him about getting it seriously looked into, but he seems very uninterested in that. He does work in healthcare I might add so would have very easy access to get it looked into if he wanted to. Even while at work he could ask around so it looks like he sees it as unimportant.

He’s claimed he’s had allergies since he was young, but others mentioned it might be one of those tics he just can’t help but doing and doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. This appears to be an all year thing.

 

Could anyone suggest a way to broach the conversation about how the coughing is bothering me in a nice way? I don’t want to come off as rude. I have hinted at it sooo many times, and thought I was being pretty direct with my comments, but that’s clearly not making any sense to him.

You already did. Take it or leave it, lady.
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Other than suggesting he have a medical doctor check him out, I am not sure what else you can say to him.

 

I mean it's not like he's doing this on purpose, or has any control over it whatsoever such that he could stop if you told him it annoys you.

 

>>it sounds as though he’s about to spit out phlegm in his throat.

 

Yes I know that sound, my mom suffered from the same thing, and as I said it was lung cancer which she passed away from.

 

So if there is phlegm he's coughing up or having trouble coughing up (which is how it was with my mom), there is something wrong more than a "tic" and he needs to have it checked out.

 

That said, it's not your place to push him, you've suggested it, he's resistant to it which boggles my mind, but his call I suppose.

 

So I don't know what to advise you really.

 

I know for me, the fact he refuses to look after his health by getting it checked it out, would have me rethinking things, I find that attitude really irresponsible.

 

And I also know if I had a chronic cough like that, I'd be very aware of how I am most likely annoying others, and for just that reason alone, I'd have it checked out.

 

I mean if he has two brain cells to rub together, he has to know it must be annoying you on some level (heck, I'm annoyed just imagining it, thinking back to my mom may she RIP) and for him to simply disregard that, would not sit well with me at all.

 

But your call, good luck.

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It might not be cancer too like I said I have an asthmatic cough . I have it all year round . I wasn’t even diagnosed asthmatic until almost 26 years ago. I was in my late 20s . And I had been asthmatic it since birth . When I was a little kid in gym class I would cough until I threw up . However mine sounds like a barking seal . Like someone with perpetual croup . It is really bad when humid and when I’m sick . I just have a really time clearing my lungs of fluid .

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I pray it's not cancer, and I'm not saying it's definitely that, only that it's so important that he get it checked out.

 

Another possibility is chronic bronchitis which produces the same symptoms (the phlegm) but heck it could be so many things!

 

I liked Sherry's idea, perhaps if he knew how much it bothered you, it would push him to get it checked.

 

But again it boggles my mind he wouldn't instinctively know it bothers you, chronic coughing especially with phlegm would drive even the most patient person insane!

 

Most people know this I would assume.

 

Anyway, I've experienced it with my mom, so I know how it goes. For me and my brothers, it was just something we had to learn to live with for the most part as there was nothing she could do about it.

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I, too, have the asthmatic cough, the one where I cough until I feel my ribs are going to break, but like Seraphim, mine is more like a barking seal, lol, rather than the one the OP describes, which is unfortunately similar to what Katrina describes.

 

In my case, it came on suddenly, and lasted for several weeks, then goes away for a year, repeat. I was dating someone at the time, and he was just really blunt about it. He said I must go get it checked out, as it could be tuberculosis, which honestly scared me. Receiving the "your childhood asthma is acting up" diagnosis, with an inhaler, really was awesome.

 

I would have one more sit-down talk with him about it, and be honest. You'll be there for him through the doctor's appointment, and for whatever comes afterward, but that you simply can't stay if he won't get it checked out, as it's affecting your relationship.

 

I can't imagine what his co-workers, or people in restaurants, airplanes, public places, think of this. When mine comes on, I move out of the room, as it's awful.

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I, too, have the asthmatic cough, the one where I cough until I feel my ribs are going to break, but like Seraphim, mine is more like a barking seal, lol, rather than the one the OP describes, which is unfortunately similar to what Katrina describes.

 

In my case, it came on suddenly, and lasted for several weeks, then goes away for a year, repeat. I was dating someone at the time, and he was just really blunt about it. He said I must go get it checked out, as it could be tuberculosis, which honestly scared me. Receiving the "your childhood asthma is acting up" diagnosis, with an inhaler, really was awesome.

 

I would have one more sit-down talk with him about it, and be honest. You'll be there for him through the doctor's appointment, and for whatever comes afterward, but that you simply can't stay if he won't get it checked out, as it's affecting your relationship.

 

I can't imagine what his co-workers, or people in restaurants, airplanes, public places, think of this. When mine comes on, I move out of the room, as it's awful.

Yeah, because I work with children I have to be tested for TB I’ve been tested 1 million times for TB I definitely don’t have that . I just have asthmatic bark . Nothing I can do about it.

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I can't imagine what his co-workers, or people in restaurants, airplanes, public places, think of this.

 

When mine comes on, I move out of the room, as it's awful.

 

I don't suffer from anything like what you, Seraphim or others have described, but when I had my pneumonia last March, the cough lingered quite a while afterwards (months actually) and yeah, when I would have coughing "spells," out of sheer courtesy for my co-workers and my boyfriend and friends, I would excuse myself and leave the room!

 

I loved what you suggested LHG, perfect! Telling him he needs to get it checked out as it's affecting your relationship (and not in a good way).

 

Sometimes you just gotta be blunt like that!

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I had a chronic cough for 9 months after having had pneumonia. After many chest xrays, my doctor said it was just in my head. He didn't think there was anything wrong with me. But I would get real coughing fits.

 

One time the doc went off to a conference, and the nurse practioner called me to see how I was doing. They had a "sudden" opening in their schedule. She suspected a sinus infection and referred me to the ear nose and throat department at the med school. They did a CT scan and found a sinus infection deep in there.

 

So it WAS literally in my head!

 

It took a few rounds of the right antibiotics. My followup CT was so markedly different, the doc thought they had pulled the wrong xray films.

 

I never went back to that doc again. And I think the staff planned on calling me in when the doc was not there. ..

 

If I had a sinus issue again, I would have them culture it so they could target the right antibiotic.

 

That said, I have great preventative practices with a saline rinse from Neilmed called Sinus Rinse. You need to make sure it is sterile water though.

 

You have many other ideas here and none of us is a medical professional. The possibility of a tic was mentioned, and I have encountered a few individuals with Tourette Syndrome whose tics presented as throat clearing.

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You're 25 and he's 31. Is there any chance that this is a committed(long term type of) relationship or are both of you not sure of what the future holds? At 25 I was in a relationship too but I definitely didn't see myself with the person I was with long term. You've been dating a year and that's enough to worry over and fall in love with someone. I can understand if you are concerned about him. You aren't married and you haven't been together long enough either where you have any real say over what he does over this cough of his, to be honest with you, so I agree with JMan in the thread. I personally wouldn't overstep those bounds and I wouldn't trouble myself over getting super serious about the issue either if it's not a relationship I see myself in for the very long term. The reason is I'd simply respect the other person not to push too hard (it's just not completely my business to begin with especially if it's easy enough to limit time spent together).

 

The way I see it is: it depends on what he means to you as a partner and how honest and blunt you want to be. A relationship should challenge us to be brave and say things (honest things) that we wouldn't normally say in an effort to bring more honesty and transparency in that union but it shouldn't bring out the jitters in you or cause you to feel nervous and terrified of how the other person may react. He doesn't seem like a mean guy from the sounds of it (or what little you mentioned so far) so I don't see why you can't have a more detailed conversation if you think this is a person you're very serious about.

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My entire family, including myself, clears their throat, and we are f-in loud, and it's gross, but it's a complete tic. It won't go away!

 

BUTTTTT, I went to an ENT about my sleep apnea yesterday, and along with that, it was also discovered I had gotten polyps in my left nasal cavity, eeekkk, from chronic untreated sinus allergies that I just never treated, and if left untreated, I would suffer major sinus issues. So now, I am getting a procedure next month, and going to see an allergist next week.

 

So you know what, have him check with an allergist. Never hurts.

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