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Thread: I caught my boyfriends texting escorts

  1. #1

    I caught my boyfriends texting escorts

    Hi everyone!
    I'm in major need of advice. So. on June 10-17 I was out of town for work purposes. When I got back later that week I grabbed my boyfriends laptop to play a movie and his e-mail was on the screen. There was one particulare email that stood out to me so I opened it. It was a back and forth email with a prostitute/escort. I confronted him about this and he felt very ashamed and swears nthing happed that he was just curious and extremly horny and desperate while I was away since we hadnt had sex for a 1 1/2 weeks. Let me also add that the reason we hadnt been sexual was becasue we were going thru issues. He had missed my brothers wedding in order to go hang with friends in NY. So obviousl y I was mad. I immediatly ended this with him because it was very hurtful to see this! especially since after my trip we had been very intimate and loving so I didnt undertsand where the needs were coming from? despite this we worked thru things and everything had been going great. Until today. 7.17.19. I happened to go on his computer and saw he had 11 unread texts. So i opened Imessages and saw that during the days i was away not only did he e-mail, but was texting! multiple conversations. again he swears he didnt meet up with anyone and i believe him, but im just so torn!!! I love him so much and I know he loves me as well! i see it. its very confusing to see the man i Love do this. I feel like thats not MY guy. we've been together for 3 years and live together. What should I do?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    He’s a cheater. Walk away.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Look at the facts, at least the ones you know. Your boyfriend—the actual guy, not the idea of "your" guy—has spent the past month engaging with escorts at an escalating clip. After telling you he was not going to engage with escorts, what did he do? He engaged with escorts.

    That is your guy.

    Now you get to decide: Do you want to stay with him? Do you want to be with someone who, when things get a little dicey, thinks escorts are the answer? Do you want to be in a relationship, moving forward, where you spend, say, the next year quietly wondering if he's talking to escorts? Do you want to hold his hand and love him and help him "work through" his escort issue?

  4. #4
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    How foolish of you to take him back! Wake up! Your bf has/is with prostitites. Why in the world would you believe he hadn't been with them? How naive.

    He does not love you.

    Get tested.

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  6. #5
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    Get yourself tested immediately, OP. STIs and HIV.

    Do not take the risk that he is being honest that he's never had sex with any of them - your health is worth so much more.

    Next? Get rid of him. This isn't the second time he's used the services of prostitutes - it's just the second time you caught him. I guarantee it.

    Sadly, this is your man. You're only just discovering now who he really is. He'd kept it well-hidden up until now.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What were the issues you were having? Not only did he not volunteer this info he tried to blame it on you. Keep in mind what you happened to stumble upon is the tip of the iceberg. You do not know for a fact that he never met up with them, obviously he'll deny it..

    It would be best to get to a doctor for a complete STD workup. Be frank and honest with your doctor. Also ask for a referral to a therapist. You have a lot at stake and are experiencing denial and cognitive dissonance. That is when the reality is too harsh to swallow so you try to fit a more rationalized, palatable version into this scenario in order to wrap your head around the awful truth and tell yourself everything will be fine.

    Right now you live together, you've invested a lot of time. You have a superficial image of who he is and who you want him to be. You wish more than anything that this was a one time thing because he was horny. Maybe he was just looking, maybe more...you'll never know. Stop all unprotected sexual contact.
    Originally Posted by florista15
    he felt very ashamed and swears nthing happed that he was just curious and extremly horny and desperate while I was away since we hadnt had sex for a 1 1/2 weeks.

    Let me also add that the reason we hadnt been sexual was becasue we were going thru issues

    I love him so much and I know he loves me as well! i see it. its very confusing to see the man i Love do this. I feel like thats not MY guy. we've been together for 3 years and live together.

  8. #7
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    Does he have some sort of sexual addiction?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Having spoken with some men about this in the past and one woman who also unfortunately had a fiance whom she discovered was meeting and speaking with escorts, it seems more likely than not that engaging in an escort service or paying for services (engaging in a paid service) is not the same as simply meeting one's sexual needs or needing sexual needs or desires fulfilled by a partner for example. In other words, engaging in a paid service or the idea of paying for services with someone who provides such services, is different from love, affection and sex in an intimate or committed relationship. The two aren't the same and can be desired at the same time in some individuals.

    This situation seems a lot more common than one would think. It's more common to know people who have engaged in these or have been curious than it is not to find a man (or woman) who hasn't been curious. The real question is why someone might continue to revisit paid services of a sexual nature or receive sexual favours involving a monetary transaction. I think there are power dynamics here and explorations of power and the use of power through funds/money that some people feel drawn to. There is also the psychology of ownership and domination that comes with ordering someone or something (sexual favours) through the use of money or a paid service.

    I think your boyfriend is intrigued and exploring positions of power using escort services. He may feel insecure in other areas of his life or a feeling of lack of control and sees this as an outlet or a way for him to explore control through other ways. You may be very upset but if you're able to unbuckle or unpack why he feels this way as a couple, he might find over time that this no longer holds any intrigue. If you are dealing with someone who is very insecure or needs the boost, I think this problem is bigger than you or your relationship with him.

  10. #9
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    You should have ended this when he skipped your brother's wedding.

    Buh. Bye. to him.

  11. #10
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    This thread sounds very familiar to me, did you post this previously under a different user name?

    I swear I've read this.

    In any event, yeah ditch him, he's a cheating loser.

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