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Thread: Just broke up, in need of some thoughts that arent my own

  1. #1
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    Just broke up, in need of some thoughts that arent my own

    Hi guys,

    Yesterday I broke up with my boyfriend.
    It was fine up until now when the moment has finally come that Im alone in my little appartment.

    Ive had a rough but proud year. I started going in to therapy with things that started in my youth and became worse being an adult (reactive attachment disorder). I was really depressed last year and didn't have any hope for the future. Since therapy things are going better, slowly but the first steps are made.

    One of the things Im trying to deal with are my relationships. All of them failed, my first boyfriend raped me and dumped me the next day, the rest all cheated, with only one exception. I had one long relationship in which I loved the guy, he also cheated and it was a toxic relationship with a lot of fights, as much as we loved each other.

    Last year I met a guy from another country after a while of not dating. I was charmed about him, and we switched phone numbers and so it happened. He came to visit me for a long weekend and we fell madly in love. He wrote me letters and sended me gifts. He would come to my country of only it was for one night, just to see. He said he never actually cared about girls much, until he had me and that he would do anything to be mine. We talked every day and I was really happy.
    We went on a big vacation together last month. It was good but a bit weird, did we really know each other? One evening after a small fight we talked about us when everything was alright again. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. I felt the urge to tell him that this is a huge thing for me, since Ive had bad experiences and big trust issues, and that it kinda scared me. I needed him to know this. He didn't reply to this and I felt to uncomfortable to say anything about it anymore. The rest of the days felt different.

    When I got home it quickly turned nice and easy going again. He quit his job and was seriously thinking about moving to my country, I think he would have. I visited him again last weekend. It started nice but we had a lot of fights.
    The next day we had a discussion, he is really on the right wing (and an activist for this) while I am left. I got scared at this point, not knowing if it would work since his ideas are radical and I dont agree, I told him this but told him I love him and I would accept this as it is. The next morning he wouldnt get up, while I asked him to a few times. We had another discussion which wasnt a discussion, I asked about how he saw the future and he told me he wanted at least 3 kids and that the wife shouldnt work to stay with the kids. I told him I do want to work and am not 100% sure if I want kids, let alone 3. I told him to think about it, if it is that important for him he should now that I might not be the right person for him. He told me less was also fine, as long as he had me

    We had several fights this day and the next one. After our five min talk about the future after the first day his mood clearly changed.

    The rest is too long to explain in all details. I think he was hurt by me exploring what his visions on things are, being confronted with this ideal image he clearly had of me (homestay wife, 3 children, taking care of me). I know he really loves me and it hurts. I also really love him. We had a big fight, we both had our own role to play (his was way bigger in my opinion but ok). I wanted to talk about it, after he pushed me away when I wanted to kiss him. He twisted words and was really blameful, I couldn't come into his speech about what's wrong with me and after he kept repeating its all my fault, tho I apologized for my part (walking away for some minutes)and not his and saying some mean things, I told him I wanted to go home.
    We went back, after a few hours we started speaking with each other again after ignoring each other for a while. This evening was really nice. At the end he said:"see, we both like each other? Why cant you always be like this?"

    The next and last day he wanted to put the alarm late again. I got a cappuccino somewhere on the way and we missed the bus by some minutes for which we didn't check the time in front. The next bus would come really late and we couldn't go here. He got really angry, saying it was my fault because of the cappuccino and that I was sabotaging all his plans while he planned it out so nice (he did have really nice and sweet plans, but because of the action the day before I was in no mood to continue anymore and this day we both didnt plan it well enough, like not checking the right bus times or getting up on time). He wouldnt talk to me the rest of the day. I could figure it all out, he said. He would push me away when I would come close, or would only say the sentence:"you make your plan now, everything is fine with me". I told him it was a shame we missed the bus, but we both should have checked it and Im happy as long as I was with him. We went to the beach but he didn't really speak. The vibe was awful.
    On the train to the airport (we would have dinner there) I asked him why things had to be like this, nothing really happened and if something is up its better to talk about it. I asked him how he felt, and be started calling a friend. I was a bit pissed at this moment. At the airport I told him this was no fun, being together without speaking and clearly something was up that needed to be spoken off. He turned to me and said things only blaming me, I couldn't speak and he said I was only blaming him. I said he blamed me for ten things this very minute, didn't he see that? He didnt, he only repeated the had no fault in this and it was all me. I told hem I couldn't be with him like this if we couldn't talk in a normal way about things. He kept going on on how afwul I was and I grabbed my bag and went. And that's it, didn't hear anything.

    I know he is really hurt, and I know he really wanted to make this work and did do his best. Im not the easiest person but I recognize my mistakes. He didn't, while twisting stories so badly somehow it was all my fault again ("you stayed in bed for four hours longer" to which he said: "I stayed so long in bed otherwise you would blame me for not hugging you (?)", one example of many. I really feel confused.

    Its just a shame. Its because of unspoken things I think and talking (not too much obviously, but about important things yes) is key and he couldn't. I felt like I did good breaking up. Most likely this wouldnt work out in the long run anyways and I wanted to stand up for myself and recognize this. But now after 30 hours of no sleep and work I am confused with too many thoughts. I have to wait some days till therapy. Writing down what happened helps a lot to see things clearly, but other times I miss him a lot. It was nice to feel loved and I really had a good feeling about this before, as had he. And I know if I dont talk he wont either. And its probably for the best I guess, but really hard for me at the moment. Its hard to see a bright future with things like this, but with some effort and luck therapy will get me there. I just miss him and the endless messaged and it sucks. I deleted Instagram for now to not see his daily posts. I do find myself watching him being online on whatsapp, shouldnt but cant help it.

    Any thoughts or advice is welcome. I know the post is awfully long and detailed, I didn't at first but it didn't feel right enough to keep it short. Thank you for being here :)
    Last edited by Asla; 07-16-2019 at 02:52 PM.

  2. #2
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    Why were you trying to push him away? Why were you starting little arguments? Were you afraid that this relationship would actually go somewhere? I'm not accusing you of sabotaging anything, I simply wonder if this is a pattern for you...

    Are there strong cultural differences between the two of you?

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by loyal
    Why were you trying to push him away? Why were you starting little arguments? Were you afraid that this relationship would actually go somewhere? I'm not accusing you of sabotaging anything, I simply wonder if this is a pattern for you...

    Are there strong cultural differences between the two of you?
    I didn't push him away.. only at the end when I couldn't see it going somewhere anymore like this. The little arguments were about stupid things, as they are most of the times. Sometimes I do feel easily triggered, which comes out of insecurity and is something Im working on. I can react heavily this way, but five min later its over.

    There are slight cultural differences but bigger differences in personal believes. He is strongly against muslims and refugees. Im not and we both wont change out opinion on this. He believes in a traditional way of living, girls should have their babies at a young (a bit too) age, the man should take care of their family and threat them good. The woman should stay home and take care of the kids.
    I am a working single alone living woman who loves exploring and not being tied up. I think you have a point here. Last holiday when he told me some values I also noticed a change in how I looked at him, wasnt completely the same anymore. For him its no problem he said. Think it scared me and during this holiday I was trying to figure out more of his believes (like +3 children and the woman staying home, didn't know this before) and how I would feel about this. Think he felt my insecurity in this, he might reacted like this because of that. Also I think he is a bit of a Alpha male who can not have it when(especially a woman, I think) stands up to him.

  4. #4
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    It sounds like it is a good thing that things didn't move any faster. Do you love him enough to look beyond his beliefs and traits?

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  6. #5
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    You two completely incompatible goals for the future, and polar opposite outlooks on life. This would never have worked without one of your seriously compromising your own happiness.

    All the little things you fought about are likely just symptoms of the bigger problem. Stuffing them down with "I'm happy as long as I'm with you"-type statements is unhealthy and obviously not accurate; you are both feeling unsettled about the bigger picture and having such opposing viewpoints.

    I would let this relationship stay broken up. You're not good matches for anything long-term.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by loyal
    It sounds like it is a good thing that things didn't move any faster. Do you love him enough to look beyond his beliefs and traits?
    I love him a lot, but I dont want to be the woman of a man who cant talk things out in a normal way, and I dont want to be stuck on the plan of having a lot of children and not working.. tho we never really clearly talked about this, he didn't want to. I guess if we could actually talk about it I would at least give it a try. But I noticed that he couldn't really think ahead in a realistic way (he really idealized everything of me so far in the relationship, an argument should never happen in his believes it seemed), let alone recognize his own mistakes in situations.

    Very good question, makes me think. Thank you :)

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    You two completely incompatible goals for the future, and polar opposite outlooks on life. This would never have worked without one of your seriously compromising your own happiness.

    All the little things you fought about are likely just symptoms of the bigger problem. Stuffing them down with "I'm happy as long as I'm with you"-type statements is unhealthy and obviously not accurate; you are both feeling unsettled about the bigger picture and having such opposing viewpoints.

    I would let this relationship stay broken up. You're not good matches for anything long-term.

    Most likely yes. This is also my view, its harder since I only found out about these believes since a month or so, we have been dating since new year and he seemed perfect. We have everything in common for the rest, same humor, same taste in movies and music, same love for animals and actually a lot of shared believes. Unfortunately not this big aspect. Even tho we do love each other a lot, it probably wouldnt have worked out.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Asla
    I love him a lot, but I dont want to be the woman of a man who cant talk things out in a normal way, and I dont want to be stuck on the plan of having a lot of children and not working.. tho we never really clearly talked about this, he didn't want to. I guess if we could actually talk about it I would at least give it a try. But I noticed that he couldn't really think ahead in a realistic way (he really idealized everything of me so far in the relationship, an argument should never happen in his believes it seemed), let alone recognize his own mistakes in situations.

    Very good question, makes me think. Thank you :)
    It sounds like you are coming to your realization. These things are not easy--not in the least! I am sorry you are having to deal with this!

    On the other hand, I do see some good in this situation: you are owning your beliefs and staying strong in them, you are valuing yourself and what you want, you are looking at possible outcomes and reacting accordingly. These are all good things!

  10. #9
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Sounds to me your therapy is working and you are now making more clearer/healthier decisions for yourself. Good on you. Like I always say if it doesn't feel right then it's not. You had a gut feeling this wasn't right, and you stuck to your guns...you have to look out for #1 and that is you. You will come to realize with better choices, you will succeed in your goals. You are now using that past experience to your advantage...keep up the good work, and best of luck.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I feel like I've entered a twilight zone. You're both not living near each other (not locally dating), it's been seven months only, he has archaic views of women that don't fit your lifestyle, he claims to want a woman at home but he's never at home himself (dating outside his country), he wants three children but doesn't seem to even have one or has no concept of what having a child is like, he quit his job and he wants to support a family, he's a planner who likes to set alarms late.

    Is this a joke? Please let this person go for good and re-orient yourself back home. Center and ground yourself a bit more.

    I am so happy for you that this has ended. You've made progress going to therapy. Don't settle for dates like this or inter-country dating. Try to screen your choices a bit more. We all make mistakes. Let this be an experience and move forwards.

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