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Quick Question! Dating Two People at Once


ohdora

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This is Just a quick question.

 

I will call the first person B and the second person N. Me and B met through a mutual friend-- she had been trying to get us together for at least two months before we actually met. Luckily we hit it off and have been doing things together. I really like him and I imagine that I would be happy if we got into an exclusive relationship (which is my goal).

 

N on the other hand, I've known for about a year, we were basically acquaintances, each of our friend groups interacted often so I was in his presence a lot. Since the beginning I had a huge crush on him, but we conversed superficially. For the past month or so I have been texting him more often and have been getting know know him better in person and on the phone (still no one on one meetings), and I finally worked up the nerve to ask if he was interested in exploring something more than just friendship. Luckily he was and we got together, not as a real date but just to see the vibes. I very much enjoyed that and it seems like we are now in that "talking" phase, where two people know that they like each other but are still trying to get to know each other.

 

The difference between the two men is that I met B with the intention of dating in pursuit of an exclusive relationship. Whereas with N, I had a crush, there was flirting, there was communication about what I wanted, which I never had to do with B but I feel is kind of important when starting out a relationship. Another difference is that I know all about B's intentions, but I am still unclear about what N has in mind.

 

I understand that its probably too soon to make a decision in both cases, but I am the kind of person that does not like to talk to more than one person for long, just so I can keep my energy focused. As you might be able to tell, I like both of them a lot-- B makes me feel comfortable and N excites me.

 

The question I have for which you might be able to give some advice, is where should I place my energy, what do I need to make sure I communicate to each of them, and if it is too soon to chose one or the other, whats the best way to date two people at once!

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My advice? Stop thinking about this, explore both a bit longer, and the answer will reveal itself soon.

 

Agree with Bluecastle 100%....

 

..but to add to this, I can't help feeling that N is rather vague about his intentions, because his intentions are VAGUE. So far you've done all the running. He's enjoyed the interest. He's aware of your crush. But in my 50 years experience, when a guy is interested and emotionally available they tend to be pretty upfront, pretty quickly. He's had every opportunity to express a keen interest and he hasn't. This in itself is a clear indication of his intent. Has he asked for a follow up date? Has he made the first move in getting to know the real you, via text or is he just responding to your interest?

 

One guy seems available and the other is unavailable...That's what I'm seeing. Which leads me to my next question.

 

Are you actually "available"?

 

Are you emotionally available for a relationship...Or do you just think you are? I'm unclear why you haven't jumped into B arms, shouting yipee, given you've consciously expressed an interest to date him. But in reality, this isn't actually so.

 

Either you're just not that interested in B or your just not ready for a relationship and there's stuff going on unconsciously which is blocking you from dating either one of them. It's fine to be "emotionally unavailable"

 

We all go through this, at times in our lives. When we are getting over heartbreak. When our trust has been broken and we don't have the confidence to trust again. When we have fears that we aren't dealing with.

 

I'm not telling you to "get over it". I'm simply telling you to get to the root of why you are currently "choosing" (and it is a choice) not to seriously date and why Unavailable N seems so much more attractive that Available B.

 

There are reasons and its important for you to identify before pursuing your next relationship.

 

Decixxx

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In the past, I have dated two to three guys before. We'd have dates (no sex) and spend a lot of time talking and having dinners and doing fun acitivites (non sexually lol) for a couple of months. They are always aware I don't want to rush exclusivity (was never a case of me waiting for them to be exclusive, I pretty much always was the one slowing it down lol). You have barely gone on one date ahaha start worrying after 8+ dates. Make sure you don't mislead anyone nor lie, and also make sure you keep your timetables in order.

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I agree with blue and D is spot on, but also am curious why you state you need to choose because you don’t multidate considering this is your second post about multi dating in under a year, this seems to be your method of madness, which absolutely nothing wrong with it, it’s coming off like you are trying to draw attention to it and also not acknowledge that one of them is kinda emotionally closed anyway.

 

I don’t feel comfortable telling you who to choose based on a few paragraphs written, it has to be your choice, you have to live with whatever decision you make... I do feel comfortable telling you that maybe you should have a talk with yourself about what you’re looking for out of dating, have that squared away makes dating easier because either a person fits or they don’t.

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There are so many things so helpful about these comments thank you so much, maybe I do need to think about if i'm actually available.

 

But i'm confused as to how I made it seem that N wasn't available. He told me that he had no idea I liked him. Granted I did say that I didn't know his intentions but isn't that the case with everyone you first start dating? Being set up with B by a friend caused me to be able to bypass that whole thing. I have to add that it has been probably a month since I started to try and know N better. And as soon as I said I was interested, he suggested we do something together that coming weekend. So it's good signals from both men, just one has a clear path and one doesn't.

 

My deepest issue is that the relationship with B is more advanced than the one with N, and that is why I feel as though I need to make a decision, so that I don't waste anyone's time.

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The irony is that you want to decide where to place your energies but you've already spent a lot of energy going back and forth between two men who don't fulfill you 100% (you said one excites you and the other makes you feel comfortable). Neither (static) states are acceptable to me. Find someone who makes you feel both and more.

 

The person you're with should inspire you and you shouldn't have to ask whether or not to spend more time with that person. It should flow naturally out of you, born of a desire and feeling that is natural or synergistic (1+1=3). Your energies should compound beyond what you ever were as an individual.

 

Take it easy and enjoy your dating. I couldn't tell you whether to spend more time on either or pick one. That's your choice entirely and it's up to you how you want to spend your youth or your life in general. Don't be afraid to make mistakes and be safe out there.

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Reaching into my singles past, I was dating someone that I was really crushing bad over. She seemed like she was into me, but would not commit, nor be "fully" intimate. When she told me that she was dating someone in addition to myself, I was devastated. In a world of hurt, I took that to mean that she was not mine to have. I quickly found another woman to be intimate with, and another. I still was pining away for the first one.

 

Anyway, it was bound to happen. I had a date with the first one lined up for Sunday, the other two Friday night, then Saturday. Yes, intimate with all three, including the one who wouldn't be intimate until she was "sure" about me.

 

My bruised ego made me tell her I had two other women on the string, since she had this other guy.

 

She wailed and wailed and was so hurt.

 

As it turned out, she made the whole thing up, she was testing my interest in me.

 

So we parted company with hurt feelings.

 

The other two? I don't even remember their names anymore.

 

So how does this relate to your situation?

 

I recommend that if you are at all serious about one of the men, then just focus on that one. Don't be intimate with both of them in the same time frame--no overlap.

 

And definitely, do not try to make one jealous by implying the other is getting some of you too.

 

If all involve are able to handle the emotions of knowing the one they want has another as well? Then ignore what I wrote.

 

But if you or they cannot handle it? Focus on one of them.

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I don't know...it depends on what you're looking for. Comfortable sounds pretty good to me! At my age....finding someone exciting is about ZERO!

My story of a best friend. Got married very young...to an older man. Married many years. HORRIBLE marriage. Got divorced. Set up on a blind date with a man who just lost his wife. (now granted older....older than 40) and she said the first time she met him...it was like she already knew him. She was SO COMFORTABLE with him. I don't think excitement entered the equation. They got married and were sooooo happy!

 

Oh...and on a side note, after they met for coffee...he called her and asked her out on a date. She said no...she was busy. Then she didn't hear from him. Her mother said....you CALL him and explain...you were busy, but you wanted to see him. He thought the 'busy' thing was just an excuse and wasn't gonna ask her out again.

 

So it doesn't get any easier the older you get. I'm still looking. I"d settle for someone I just LIKED and he LIKED me! And be thrilled about it!

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I don't really think you're into B, because you wouldn't have hyped up your pursuit of N and lit the flame under him, wanting to start something that had been on the back burner for a year, if you were into B. It's like you maybe felt safer having a soft pillow to land on (B) if N just wanted to be friends.

 

If N steps up his game and makes an effort, I'd say to let B loose. Even if N doesn't end up working out, it doesn't mean you chose wrong. It means you didn't settle and if you make wise decisions for yourself in the future, you will find someone you have strong chemistry with AND makes you feel at ease that he matches you in all the important ways.

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Have you kissed either of these guys yet?

 

Generally, if you start kissing / making out with one guy, that's probably the main signal that's it's serious and you can stop multi-dating.

 

Love can be pretty simple if you go by the actions. Talk is cheap, actions scream.

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There are so many things so helpful about these comments thank you so much, maybe I do need to think about if i'm actually available.

But i'm confused as to how I made it seem that N wasn't available. He told me that he had no idea I liked him. Granted I did say that I didn't know his intentions but isn't that the case with everyone you first start dating?

 

My apologies, Ohdora,

 

So your saying N is keen and wants to date you and B is keen and wants to date. And this has been going on for a month. And you're still single? I'm beginning to think that you want so sort of guarantee about love, and that you will not get hurt. Neither can offer you this. I don't think you are paralysed by choice. I think you are paralysed by fears that remain unacknowledged and undealt with. I'm sorry. I just see a person who is not emotionally available here, Ohdora for whatever reason. The issue is internal, not external.

 

I don't really think you're into B, because you wouldn't have hyped up your pursuit of N and lit the flame under him, wanting to start something that had been on the back burner for a year, if you were into B. It's like you maybe felt safer having a soft pillow to land on (B) if N just wanted to be friends.

 

If N steps up his game and makes an effort, I'd say to let B loose. Even if N doesn't end up working out, it doesn't mean you chose wrong. It means you didn't settle and if you make wise decisions for yourself in the future, you will find someone you have strong chemistry with AND makes you feel at ease that he matches you in all the important ways.

 

Couldn't agree more, Andrina. B seems to be warming the substitute's bench, because he's less of a risk to your heart.

 

Again, the issues seems to lie with you and I think you original email highlights the "symptoms"...indecision, but doesn't tackle the root cause and until that is dealt with, I don't think you are going to move forward on either.

 

Anyway, it was bound to happen. I had a date with the first one lined up for Sunday, the other two Friday night, then Saturday. Yes, intimate with all three, including the one who wouldn't be intimate until she was "sure" about me. My bruised ego made me tell her I had two other women on the string, since she had this other guy. She wailed and wailed and was so hurt.

 

Crikey! :eek: How jimthzz had the strength to get up for work on the Monday morning, I've no idea (and possibly a topic for another thread)...but he does make an interesting point. He was ready for a relationship and had made his choice (it just got derailed by miscommunication)...

 

What is derailing your progress here?

 

Decixxx

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Are you actually into one of these guys? You seem to be overthinking it, it should flow naturally if you really like someone.

 

This, basically.

 

Per what D is gracefully articulating—and now seeing this is your second thread on the same subject—I can't help but get the sense that you're more into the drama of dating than the actual connection part. Not judgement, but something to think about.

 

You have this "crazy" story here about B and N, the story of Comforting B and Exciting N, the story of being "torn" and "confused," and it seems that story is far more thrilling to you than the story of getting to know a person—or two people—a bit to see what's what. Being into the drama of it all tends to be a sign of unavailability.

 

When you're really into someone—and really open to being into someone—this stuff just isn't "crazy." It's life. When I'm single and dating I tend to "multi-date," which doesn't mean I'm in some "crazy" whirl of like and lust with dozens of women. It means I'm single, exploring connections, but that none are gelling.

 

I swipe right here, meet someone at a party there. This might lead to brief periods where I'm interested in more than one person—where I hang out with my own B on Wednesday, my own N on Friday. Maybe that lasts a week, maybe a month, but all in all it's just seeing each of them a handful of times.

 

If one really gets the cylinders firing that becomes the thing to explore further. It's all organic, non-dramatic. If I'm "confused" about "who to choose"—well, I don't get there. One, I don't assume everyone wants me and is waiting for me to anoint them my Next Person. Two, I process that "confusion" as just meaning the cylinders aren't being fired up and it's time to drop the drama to keep searching for the real depths.

 

Dating is only dramatic if you make it into drama.

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