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Thread: Quick Question! Dating Two People at Once

  1. #1
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    Quick Question! Dating Two People at Once

    This is Just a quick question.

    I will call the first person B and the second person N. Me and B met through a mutual friend-- she had been trying to get us together for at least two months before we actually met. Luckily we hit it off and have been doing things together. I really like him and I imagine that I would be happy if we got into an exclusive relationship (which is my goal).

    N on the other hand, I've known for about a year, we were basically acquaintances, each of our friend groups interacted often so I was in his presence a lot. Since the beginning I had a huge crush on him, but we conversed superficially. For the past month or so I have been texting him more often and have been getting know know him better in person and on the phone (still no one on one meetings), and I finally worked up the nerve to ask if he was interested in exploring something more than just friendship. Luckily he was and we got together, not as a real date but just to see the vibes. I very much enjoyed that and it seems like we are now in that "talking" phase, where two people know that they like each other but are still trying to get to know each other.

    The difference between the two men is that I met B with the intention of dating in pursuit of an exclusive relationship. Whereas with N, I had a crush, there was flirting, there was communication about what I wanted, which I never had to do with B but I feel is kind of important when starting out a relationship. Another difference is that I know all about B's intentions, but I am still unclear about what N has in mind.

    I understand that its probably too soon to make a decision in both cases, but I am the kind of person that does not like to talk to more than one person for long, just so I can keep my energy focused. As you might be able to tell, I like both of them a lot-- B makes me feel comfortable and N excites me.

    The question I have for which you might be able to give some advice, is where should I place my energy, what do I need to make sure I communicate to each of them, and if it is too soon to chose one or the other, whats the best way to date two people at once!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    My advice? Stop thinking about this, explore both a bit longer, and the answer will reveal itself soon.

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    Just keep feeling things out. If it doesn't start to become clear, in time, you might need to ask where it is going.

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    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Don't make any exclusive dating commitments to either of them. Just have fun.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Have either of them asked you out?

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    Platinum Member Deciduous's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    My advice? Stop thinking about this, explore both a bit longer, and the answer will reveal itself soon.
    Agree with Bluecastle 100%....

    ..but to add to this, I can't help feeling that N is rather vague about his intentions, because his intentions are VAGUE. So far you've done all the running. He's enjoyed the interest. He's aware of your crush. But in my 50 years experience, when a guy is interested and emotionally available they tend to be pretty upfront, pretty quickly. He's had every opportunity to express a keen interest and he hasn't. This in itself is a clear indication of his intent. Has he asked for a follow up date? Has he made the first move in getting to know the real you, via text or is he just responding to your interest?

    One guy seems available and the other is unavailable...That's what I'm seeing. Which leads me to my next question.

    Are you actually "available"?

    Are you emotionally available for a relationship...Or do you just think you are? I'm unclear why you haven't jumped into B arms, shouting yipee, given you've consciously expressed an interest to date him. But in reality, this isn't actually so.

    Either you're just not that interested in B or your just not ready for a relationship and there's stuff going on unconsciously which is blocking you from dating either one of them. It's fine to be "emotionally unavailable"

    We all go through this, at times in our lives. When we are getting over heartbreak. When our trust has been broken and we don't have the confidence to trust again. When we have fears that we aren't dealing with.

    I'm not telling you to "get over it". I'm simply telling you to get to the root of why you are currently "choosing" (and it is a choice) not to seriously date and why Unavailable N seems so much more attractive that Available B.

    There are reasons and its important for you to identify before pursuing your next relationship.

    Decixxx

  8. #7
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    In the past, I have dated two to three guys before. We'd have dates (no sex) and spend a lot of time talking and having dinners and doing fun acitivites (non sexually lol) for a couple of months. They are always aware I don't want to rush exclusivity (was never a case of me waiting for them to be exclusive, I pretty much always was the one slowing it down lol). You have barely gone on one date ahaha start worrying after 8+ dates. Make sure you don't mislead anyone nor lie, and also make sure you keep your timetables in order.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    I agree with blue and D is spot on, but also am curious why you state you need to choose because you donít multidate considering this is your second post about multi dating in under a year, this seems to be your method of madness, which absolutely nothing wrong with it, itís coming off like you are trying to draw attention to it and also not acknowledge that one of them is kinda emotionally closed anyway.

    I donít feel comfortable telling you who to choose based on a few paragraphs written, it has to be your choice, you have to live with whatever decision you make... I do feel comfortable telling you that maybe you should have a talk with yourself about what youíre looking for out of dating, have that squared away makes dating easier because either a person fits or they donít.

  10. #9
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    There are so many things so helpful about these comments thank you so much, maybe I do need to think about if i'm actually available.

    But i'm confused as to how I made it seem that N wasn't available. He told me that he had no idea I liked him. Granted I did say that I didn't know his intentions but isn't that the case with everyone you first start dating? Being set up with B by a friend caused me to be able to bypass that whole thing. I have to add that it has been probably a month since I started to try and know N better. And as soon as I said I was interested, he suggested we do something together that coming weekend. So it's good signals from both men, just one has a clear path and one doesn't.

    My deepest issue is that the relationship with B is more advanced than the one with N, and that is why I feel as though I need to make a decision, so that I don't waste anyone's time.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    The irony is that you want to decide where to place your energies but you've already spent a lot of energy going back and forth between two men who don't fulfill you 100% (you said one excites you and the other makes you feel comfortable). Neither (static) states are acceptable to me. Find someone who makes you feel both and more.

    The person you're with should inspire you and you shouldn't have to ask whether or not to spend more time with that person. It should flow naturally out of you, born of a desire and feeling that is natural or synergistic (1+1=3). Your energies should compound beyond what you ever were as an individual.

    Take it easy and enjoy your dating. I couldn't tell you whether to spend more time on either or pick one. That's your choice entirely and it's up to you how you want to spend your youth or your life in general. Don't be afraid to make mistakes and be safe out there.

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