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Thread: Quick Question! Dating Two People at Once

  1. #11
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    Reaching into my singles past, I was dating someone that I was really crushing bad over. She seemed like she was into me, but would not commit, nor be "fully" intimate. When she told me that she was dating someone in addition to myself, I was devastated. In a world of hurt, I took that to mean that she was not mine to have. I quickly found another woman to be intimate with, and another. I still was pining away for the first one.

    Anyway, it was bound to happen. I had a date with the first one lined up for Sunday, the other two Friday night, then Saturday. Yes, intimate with all three, including the one who wouldn't be intimate until she was "sure" about me.

    My bruised ego made me tell her I had two other women on the string, since she had this other guy.

    She wailed and wailed and was so hurt.

    As it turned out, she made the whole thing up, she was testing my interest in me.

    So we parted company with hurt feelings.

    The other two? I don't even remember their names anymore.

    So how does this relate to your situation?

    I recommend that if you are at all serious about one of the men, then just focus on that one. Don't be intimate with both of them in the same time frame--no overlap.

    And definitely, do not try to make one jealous by implying the other is getting some of you too.

    If all involve are able to handle the emotions of knowing the one they want has another as well? Then ignore what I wrote.

    But if you or they cannot handle it? Focus on one of them.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by jimthzz

    As it turned out, she made the whole thing up, she was testing my interest in me.
    Honestly that's all on her, she should have been direct and told you her concerns. She literally brought it on herself.

  3. #13
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    I think getting intimate with two guys at the same time is ... Not the best thing to do.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member JA0371's Avatar
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    My suggestion is to go for the one who makes you excited...because the one who makes you comfortable can easily be friend zoned.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Realitynut's Avatar
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    I don't know...it depends on what you're looking for. Comfortable sounds pretty good to me! At my age....finding someone exciting is about ZERO!
    My story of a best friend. Got married very young...to an older man. Married many years. HORRIBLE marriage. Got divorced. Set up on a blind date with a man who just lost his wife. (now granted older....older than 40) and she said the first time she met him...it was like she already knew him. She was SO COMFORTABLE with him. I don't think excitement entered the equation. They got married and were sooooo happy!

    Oh...and on a side note, after they met for coffee...he called her and asked her out on a date. She said no...she was busy. Then she didn't hear from him. Her mother said....you CALL him and explain...you were busy, but you wanted to see him. He thought the 'busy' thing was just an excuse and wasn't gonna ask her out again.

    So it doesn't get any easier the older you get. I'm still looking. I"d settle for someone I just LIKED and he LIKED me! And be thrilled about it!

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I don't really think you're into B, because you wouldn't have hyped up your pursuit of N and lit the flame under him, wanting to start something that had been on the back burner for a year, if you were into B. It's like you maybe felt safer having a soft pillow to land on (B) if N just wanted to be friends.

    If N steps up his game and makes an effort, I'd say to let B loose. Even if N doesn't end up working out, it doesn't mean you chose wrong. It means you didn't settle and if you make wise decisions for yourself in the future, you will find someone you have strong chemistry with AND makes you feel at ease that he matches you in all the important ways.

  8. #17
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Have you kissed either of these guys yet?

    Generally, if you start kissing / making out with one guy, that's probably the main signal that's it's serious and you can stop multi-dating.

    Love can be pretty simple if you go by the actions. Talk is cheap, actions scream.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Deciduous's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ohdora
    There are so many things so helpful about these comments thank you so much, maybe I do need to think about if i'm actually available.
    But i'm confused as to how I made it seem that N wasn't available. He told me that he had no idea I liked him. Granted I did say that I didn't know his intentions but isn't that the case with everyone you first start dating?
    My apologies, Ohdora,

    So your saying N is keen and wants to date you and B is keen and wants to date. And this has been going on for a month. And you're still single? I'm beginning to think that you want so sort of guarantee about love, and that you will not get hurt. Neither can offer you this. I don't think you are paralysed by choice. I think you are paralysed by fears that remain unacknowledged and undealt with. I'm sorry. I just see a person who is not emotionally available here, Ohdora for whatever reason. The issue is internal, not external.

    Originally Posted by Andrina
    I don't really think you're into B, because you wouldn't have hyped up your pursuit of N and lit the flame under him, wanting to start something that had been on the back burner for a year, if you were into B. It's like you maybe felt safer having a soft pillow to land on (B) if N just wanted to be friends.

    If N steps up his game and makes an effort, I'd say to let B loose. Even if N doesn't end up working out, it doesn't mean you chose wrong. It means you didn't settle and if you make wise decisions for yourself in the future, you will find someone you have strong chemistry with AND makes you feel at ease that he matches you in all the important ways.
    Couldn't agree more, Andrina. B seems to be warming the substitute's bench, because he's less of a risk to your heart.

    Again, the issues seems to lie with you and I think you original email highlights the "symptoms"...indecision, but doesn't tackle the root cause and until that is dealt with, I don't think you are going to move forward on either.

    Originally Posted by jimthzz
    Anyway, it was bound to happen. I had a date with the first one lined up for Sunday, the other two Friday night, then Saturday. Yes, intimate with all three, including the one who wouldn't be intimate until she was "sure" about me. My bruised ego made me tell her I had two other women on the string, since she had this other guy. She wailed and wailed and was so hurt.
    Crikey! How jimthzz had the strength to get up for work on the Monday morning, I've no idea (and possibly a topic for another thread)...but he does make an interesting point. He was ready for a relationship and had made his choice (it just got derailed by miscommunication)...

    What is derailing your progress here?

    Decixxx

  10. #19
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    Are you actually into one of these guys? You seem to be overthinking it, it should flow naturally if you really like someone.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by kim42
    Are you actually into one of these guys? You seem to be overthinking it, it should flow naturally if you really like someone.
    This, basically.

    Per what D is gracefully articulating—and now seeing this is your second thread on the same subject—I can't help but get the sense that you're more into the drama of dating than the actual connection part. Not judgement, but something to think about.

    You have this "crazy" story here about B and N, the story of Comforting B and Exciting N, the story of being "torn" and "confused," and it seems that story is far more thrilling to you than the story of getting to know a person—or two people—a bit to see what's what. Being into the drama of it all tends to be a sign of unavailability.

    When you're really into someone—and really open to being into someone—this stuff just isn't "crazy." It's life. When I'm single and dating I tend to "multi-date," which doesn't mean I'm in some "crazy" whirl of like and lust with dozens of women. It means I'm single, exploring connections, but that none are gelling.

    I swipe right here, meet someone at a party there. This might lead to brief periods where I'm interested in more than one person—where I hang out with my own B on Wednesday, my own N on Friday. Maybe that lasts a week, maybe a month, but all in all it's just seeing each of them a handful of times.

    If one really gets the cylinders firing that becomes the thing to explore further. It's all organic, non-dramatic. If I'm "confused" about "who to choose"—well, I don't get there. One, I don't assume everyone wants me and is waiting for me to anoint them my Next Person. Two, I process that "confusion" as just meaning the cylinders aren't being fired up and it's time to drop the drama to keep searching for the real depths.

    Dating is only dramatic if you make it into drama.

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