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Dating for 1 year - Boyfriend is unsure about me/marriage/future


somuchlove19

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Hey guys, so I normally post these kinds of things to reddit, but he is on there quite frequently.

 

I thank you in advance for reading this.

 

So my boyfriend and I have been dating since last July, coming up on a year now and I have never been happier. We moved rather quickly at first, I moved in with him less than 2 months into dating (we were basically together every spare minute anyways, it just made sense.) I had a roommate at the time who after I moved in with him, decided to move away because there was nothing for her in the city anymore (she's a lone traveler and we met in a different shared home previously) just to give you and idea of my commitment to him.

 

Everything has been amazing, he is the sweetest, kindest, most considerate man I've ever met and I am absolutely head over heels in love with him.

 

Here's the issue:

 

The other night we were chatting and something came up about how he always talks about how amazing I am to his coworkers, and the women at work always ask when we are getting married. I asked what his reply was, and he said he always tells them how big of a commitment marriage is, I was quiet for a few minutes because obviously when you're in a long-term relationship that's not what you want to hear. He noticed I was upset and asked me if it was because of what he said and I told him that yes, I didn't know he felt that way, and I actually feel the complete opposite, and would marry him in a second.

 

Just for the record, I DO Not expect him to drop everything right now and marry me this second, I understand it takes time, trust, and years of work to build a strong, healthy relationship, and marriage comes after that. The ONLY reason I am upset is because I thought we were both sure about each other up until now.

 

We kind of left it at that, I was a little distant but we let it go for the most part, or I tried to.

The next evening (last night) I was folding clothes and just kept thinking about what he said and why he would say it. (It was my understanding that we've already had a conversation about our future, discussed having kids, buying a home and getting married, etc. And while there was no rush on WHEN, the point was that I THOUGHT we already mutually decided we were going to stick together no matter what in the future because that's how we felt about each other..)

 

So I sat him down (I'm a huge advocate for communication in these scenarios), and told him exactly how I felt, and that I wasn't angry at all or anything, just confused why he would say that.

 

And holy crap was I in for a wake-up call.. He told me that we had never discussed the future indefinitely, and I guess the conversations we did have were all in speculation and he couldn't believe I took the conversation we'd had about kids to be real. (looking back I see his point, we decided that if we ever were rich enough to afford kids then we would have them, but in the moment I honestly thought that it was a no-brainer that we both agreed we would be together no matter what.)

 

I now realize that I have much stronger faith and feelings in our relationship than he does, and it hurts, badly. He said that he doesn't know what the future holds, and he loves being in a relationship with me now, and he really does love me, but he can't say anything is for sure in regards to our future since we need to live together for a while first. (We just moved into our own apartment together) Which I COMPLETELY understand, it's just the coming to terms with the fact that all my certainty about us has been taken away, and realizing that his feelings are not as strong as mine.. I guess I just keep thinking that maybe he's holding out to find someone better, which is ridiculous and it's my insecurity talking.

 

I think since he's my first love, that is why it's much more intense for me, and there's no reason for me to doubt us, but this is tough.

 

After speaking last night I kind of broke down and cried for a while, and even though he literally can't do a thing about how he feels, it still hurts.

 

He is really such a sweetheart, he consoled me for an hour yesterday, and kept telling me that he does love me, he just loves me differently, and that we'll be OK. I know there's not really any reason to be upset, I just need to tell someone because my heart is heavy. I'm not looking for options of what to do, I know I need to get over it, I just want advice on how.

 

Thank you so much for reading this far. I appreciate it.

 

EDIT : Just added for clarification - he is 34 and I am 26, which I think might contribute to the fact that he gets asked about marriage so often, and that he is so hesitant. Because things can change over time and he is older.

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I think partly this is on you - you did not have a clear conversation with him about your future goals in general about marriage and later, specifically, with him. I see your side of it too -you thought you were being clear despite the lighthearted joking, etc. But he did not. And I can see where so early on that kind of specific talk wasn't taken that seriously. I can't relate to his view that living together will give him more information about marriage - but he is entitled to that view. He obviously sees living together as part of a decision to see what the future holds but only part - obviously since he's not sure he wants to marry you he also sees it as about convenience, maybe a financial component, that it's fun to share living space- while you see it as a step towards marriage much more than he does.

 

Love and commitment can be two different things. You can love someone and not want to be in a committed relationship with them. He might have strong feelings and not ready to express those strong feelings by planning a future.

 

You do not need to get over it. Decide right now -if you knew he was never going to marry you how long would you stay? You say you are a huge advocate for communication but here's the thing -it's much simpler. When two people want to be together in the same way the "communication" is like this: "I see us getting married in the not too distant future". "Me too!". "Communication" which involves at all trying to convince someone to feel or act differently about marriage is either worthless or potentially harmful. Talking about doubts and fears can be helpful to a very limited extent but likely should be addressed with a trusted friend, privately since the partner is too biased and can't really help if he/she wants something different than the partner.

 

So - once you decide how long you would stay if he was never going to marry you stay that long. At the end of that time, tell him that you love him too but "differently" than he said he does- you want to express that love by getting married (and indicate when you would like that to be - next month? next year?) - and if he doesn't want marriage you completely understand but then it's time to part ways. Tell him that if he changes his mind and wants to marry you he can contact you (and if you want, he can contact you in a true emergency, etc). Not an ultimatum - I don't see it that way because you are a package deal - being with you means having the goal of marriage.

 

If you decide to settle for a vague promise that he might want to marry you after he lives with you for "awhile" then own that. Then you should be a "strong advocate for communication" -with yourself. Communicate clearly with yourself to make sure you are ok with settling or that you've now decided you are happy with him whether or not you ever marry. But be very clear with yourself so that you don't blame him for not wanting to marry you at this time.

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Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately you're not on the same page. You are over-investing in this way too much. You need to pull back more. Stop playing housewife, that will never endear anyone to you or secure a commitment. At this point you are roommates with benefits. Start being out of the house more. Take courses, classes, join clubs, groups, go out with your own friends and visit family.

 

Sadly you need to accept that he is content coasting along, playing house and just living together. Talking or being upset won't change things or make him take notice. You'll just get more double talk and lip service. Living your own life and realizing you are just roommates will help clear your head and decide what you want. Make the best of the lease duration and treat him as a roommate.

 

Keep in mind living together is not a prelude to marriage. It is usually seen as a test-drive or simply a convenience for sex, shared costs and household work. Begin severing any and all financial entanglements. Each pays his own costs. Do no more than 50% of household responsibilities. He thinks of you as a roommate, not a fiance, so act like it.

I now realize that I have much stronger faith and feelings in our relationship than he does, and it hurts, badly. He said that he doesn't know what the future holds, and he loves being in a relationship with me now, and he really does love me, but he can't say anything is for sure in regards to our future since we need to live together for a while first.

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Are you aching to get married and have children? If so, you might want to rethink him as your mate.

 

However, you should kind of honor what he says. If he asked you to move in with him, he is most likely pretty serious. That is not a small step! He loves you. Let him love you. Love him back. Enjoy this time in which you are both learning each other's habit and tendencies. THEN see where you are.

 

Just because he said he doesn't know what the future holds doesn't mean he does not want to marry you. Marriage is a HUGE commitment. Has he been married before? Has he been in long term relationships before? Could this be a cause of him wanting more time?

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I don't feel good reading your post and I'm responding specifically to the way he responded to you in shock and surprise regarding marriage. His reasoning is also a bit slipshod and full of holes and poses more questions than it offers answers. I'm responding to the way he describes his feelings and love for you as "different". Take a cue, is my suggestion, and don't stick around for this person.

 

I've met a lot of confused people in my time and this person is very confused about himself and about where he sees himself (as an adult) or what he wants out of life or a relationship. If you're expecting to date a man in his thirties, this person is a young child in his teens. You might also want to ask yourself why he readily agreed to living with a person approx 10 years his junior only to feign surprise at the topic of marriage. He might not be able to get away with those kinds of behaviours with older women because he just doesn't add up.

 

My advice is to take this with a pinch of salt, take the experience for what it is and don't hold a grudge against this person but he is not the one for you. His reasoning or behaviour would never fly with me. I'm sorry. Move on forwards and count this as a blessing (you've dodged a bullet).

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He is really such a sweetheart, he consoled me for an hour yesterday, and kept telling me that he does love me, he just loves me differently, and that we'll be OK. I know there's not really any reason to be upset, I just need to tell someone because my heart is heavy. I'm not looking for options of what to do, I know I need to get over it, I just want advice on how.

 

 

I have so many thoughts about this.

 

Firstly, his comment to his co-workers that he views marriage as a big commitment. I am wondering why this upset you, it IS a big commitment, a huge commitment, and for many people it would take a lot longer than one year together to know for certain that your partner is the person you want to marry.

 

So in that sense I wouldn't make any sort of assumption that his comment meant he never wants to marry you, like many people, he just needs more time to know for certain.

 

That said, I am wondering what he meant by the above quote - that he loves you "differently." Differently from what? How you love him?

 

He said he does love you very much, so I suppose he means what that love represents? Marriage, children, forever.

 

He's not there yet; I have a good friend whose boyfriend wasn't ready to marry her for five years!

 

After the fourth year, she left him alone about it (accepting that it may not happen but was in love and very happy with him regardless), which took the pressure off and allowed him the mental and emotional "space" to become certain, and after five years, he got down on one knee and proposed.

 

They are now happily married and buying their first home.

 

So it's really up to you. You can end the relationship and look for another man, who may or not be ready to make that big of a commitment so soon (or as soon as you are), OR you accept the status quo, not knowing what the future holds and have faith and trust in your love and connection and allow it to play out the way the universe intends it to.

 

Given how strongly you feel about marriage, a lot to consider I realize this, best of luck whatever path you choose.

 

[EDIT]: Also wanted to add, he should not have to "console" you about this. No boyfriend should have to do this, it's not their job to soothe your anxieties or manage your emotions, that is your job.

 

So my advice moving forward is to find ways to manage your emotions on your own, cause trust me, him needing to console you and you allowing it, or even needing to give you reassurance, is only going to place more pressure on the entire situation and may even eventually turn him off.

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I don't think asking someone to live together necessarily has anything to do with plans for a future commitment. It depends on what the couple sees it as. It could be partly that, or not at all that, for convenience, fun, because the person wants to tell themselves they are playing house and "mature".

 

In our specific case we did not live together. And it wouldn't have helped with any adjustment to marriage because less than three months after we married we were blessed with a baby. In my 550 square foot apartment my husband had by then moved into. And all of our newborn's stuff. And little sleep. So if we'd lived together pre-baby I am 100% sure it likely would have made it harder to adjust to living together with an adorable, angelic, 24.7 bundle of joy.

 

I agree with Rose and Loyal and particularly like how Rose described the situation.

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If he asked you to move in with him, he is most likely pretty serious. That is not a small step! He loves you. Let him love you. Love him back. Enjoy this time in which you are both learning each other's habit and tendencies. THEN see where you are.

 

Just because he said he doesn't know what the future holds doesn't mean he does not want to marry you. Marriage is a HUGE commitment.

 

I agree very much with what loyal said here^.

 

Spot on and if I were in this situation, it is exactly what I would do.

 

Again, it's only been one year, which in the grand scheme of the rest of your life, is not very long.

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I have so many thoughts about this.

 

Firstly, his comment to his co-workers that he views marriage as a big commitment. I am wondering why this upset you, it IS a big commitment, a huge commitment, and for many people it would take a lot longer than one year together to know for certain that your partner is the person you want to marry.

 

So in that sense I wouldn't make any sort of assumption that his comment meant he never wants to marry you, like many people, he just needs more time to know for certain.

 

That said, I am wondering what he meant by the above quote - that he loves you "differently." Differently from what? How you love him?

 

He said he does love you very much, so I suppose he means what that love represents? Marriage, children, forever.

 

He's not there yet; I have a good friend whose boyfriend wasn't ready to marry her for five years!

 

After the fourth year, she left him alone about it (accepting that it may not happen but was in love and very happy with him regardless), which took the pressure off and allowed him the mental and emotional "space" to become certain, and after five years, he got down on one knee and proposed.

 

They are now happily married and buying their first home.

 

So it's really up to you. You can end the relationship and look for another man, who may or not be ready to make that big of a commitment so soon (or as soon as you are), OR you accept the status quo, not knowing what the future holds and have faith and trust in your love and connection and allow it to play out the way the universe intends it to.

 

Given how strongly you feel about marriage, a lot to consider I realize this, best of luck whatever path you choose.

 

[EDIT]: Also wanted to add, he should not have to "console" you about this. No boyfriend should have to do this, it's not their job to soothe your anxieties or manage your emotions, that is your job.

 

So my advice moving forward is to find ways to manage your emotions on your own, cause trust me, him needing to console you and you allowing it, or even needing to give you reassurance, is only going to place more pressure on the entire situation and may even eventually turn him off.

Hey, thank you very much for your reply.

 

To add more context to his answer, it was after I told him that I had never loved anybody as much as him, and with him it was a crazy whirlwind of first love, and he went "ahh yes I remember that", and so he told me that he loves me, just differently than that.

 

That will probably make more sense as to the strange reply, sorry I didn't add that in, I was already making an essay on a short time limit.

 

Hope that helps !

 

Thanks again.

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He's not there yet; I have a good friend whose boyfriend wasn't ready to marry her for five years!

Five years is not long. 5 and above is long. I know in the US people tend to get married quite fast but come on, 1-2 years is nothing when it comes to such a serious commitment. At least five when we are talking about marriage.

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So I'm of mixed minds here. Part of me wants to say something to the effect of: enjoy yourself, don't fret too much about all this, let these questions simmer for a bit and revisit them in another six months. You love him, he loves you—kumbaya.

 

And the part of me that wants to say that is the part that feels you're very driven by "certainty," as you put it. Which is understandable. It's what a lot of people in their 20s are looking for. Everything in your life had been pretty certain until recently. From elementary school through college there were clear markers of where you were going, the answers on the horizon. Now you're a few years into the place where you spend the majority of your life, where the horizon is an abyss, the answers are fuzzy, and, more often than not, they just turn to questions when you reach them. Glorious stuff, but also terrifying.

 

To think of marriage as a way of staving off uncertainty—I don't think that's how it works or the best reason to get married. So as much as this might be a moment to assess your relationship, it may also be one to assess yourself and what you're doing to feel solid in the world outside the relationship.

 

But the other part? Well, Rose put it all very well. Speaking frankly—and from experience being the older guy in similar age gap relationships—when I hear about a 31-year-old man getting involved with a 22-year-old woman I don't see a man who is thinking seriously about marriage. It's still conceptual, something for "down the line," probably not so different than the way he thought about it all when he was, you know, 22. He looks at you and sees "girlfriend who I love," not "future wife." Maybe not "partner." And that's not a verdict on you, but just where he's at—place where he, despite those 8 years, might be less mature than you.

 

Because he's older all that can seem like wisdom, when it might be just being a little vague and lost, as many dudes are. We can dig floating along a bit, and we can very sensitively talk about how things like marriage is "huge" commitment to be taken "seriously," when what we really mean is: "I do not want to think about marriage right now, let alone talk about it."

 

And so there's a dilemma: what he finds most comforting about the relationship (where it is right now) is at odds with what you find comfort in it (where it's going). That's not about you having "stronger" feelings, but a different value system. It's worth trying to think about that in clear terms—and give yourself some time to just observe it for a bit.

 

Yes, the world is filled with stories about men who "come around," and movies love those stories. But often in those stories is a woman shouldering the bulk of the emotional discomfort—an imbalance that can take a long time to even out, if ever.

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Five years is not long. 5 and above is long. I know in the US people tend to get married quite fast but come on, 1-2 years is nothing when it comes to such a serious commitment. At least five when we are talking about marriage.

 

Agree dias. But in comparison to the OP's desire to marry him after only one year, that is why I added the exclamation point.

 

It took me six years to feel 100% certain I wanted to marry my ex-boyfriend (and I was madly in love with him!), so I certainly understand how the OP's bf feels.

 

Course our RL broke down for other reasons and in retrospect it's best we did not get married, but the point is, there is no "one size fits all" when it comes to the right time to get married.

 

It differs person to person and is dependent on a lot of factors.

 

Personally, I really dislike the assumption that just because a man (or woman) isn't certain or ready for marriage within a time period imposed by their partner, a time period within which they themselves wish to be married, it means their partner never wants to marry them.

 

That's just absurd imo as evidenced by my friend, who had tons of people telling her that her now-husband would never marry her, and he did!

 

And they are very happily married today.

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Are you aching to get married and have children? If so, you might want to rethink him as your mate.

 

However, you should kind of honor what he says. If he asked you to move in with him, he is most likely pretty serious. That is not a small step! He loves you. Let him love you. Love him back. Enjoy this time in which you are both learning each other's habit and tendencies. THEN see where you are.

 

Just because he said he doesn't know what the future holds doesn't mean he does not want to marry you. Marriage is a HUGE commitment. Has he been married before? Has he been in long term relationships before? Could this be a cause of him wanting more time?

 

It absolutely is, and I am in absolutely no rush to have children OR get married at this point, I'm just a little flabbergasted that he can't give ANY indication of where we will be in the future, because I guess he either sees me there, or no one, or someone else? Who knows. I'm just going crazy thinking about the uncertainty of it all.. I will take your advice though, we are both so good for each other and I will cherish the time we do have for now. Thank you.

 

And to answer your question, he's never had a serious girlfriend before (his longest before me was less than a year), never been married.

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It absolutely is, and I am in absolutely no rush to have children OR get married at this point, I'm just a little flabbergasted that he can't give ANY indication of where we will be in the future, because I guess he either sees me there, or no one, or someone else? Who knows. I'm just going crazy thinking about the uncertainty of it all.. I will take your advice though, we are both so good for each other and I will cherish the time we do have for now. Thank you.

 

And to answer your question, he's never had a serious girlfriend before (his longest before me was less than a year), never been married.

 

But it's not uncertain at all. You're just making it seem that way. He is certain that he doesn't see himself marrying you at any particular time if ever. He told you that. Listen to what he said. That is all that matter. Now of course that could change which is why I suggested you ask yourself "if you knew he was never going to marry you how long would you stay". At some point you will need to know if he wants to marry you and if so when. When is that point for you?

 

Absolutely you can choose to be fine with him not wanting to marry you right now. Absolutely you can simply enjoy dating him, being in a relationship with him, living with him. As long as you are completely honest with yourself that you will feel happy and satisfied knowing that he does not see a future including marriage with you right now. And he may never change his mind. So if your happiness requires that your partner be on the same page with you as far as future goals then he is not the partner for you. It's really hard to be honest with yourself when there is a lot to lose but it's IMO it's imperative and essential.

 

You two are not good for each other if your goals are not compatible. If your goal has now changed to being happy with what you two have with no potential right now for a future including marriage then you are on the same page. Your decision.

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"But the other part? Well, Rose put it all very well. Speaking frankly—and from experience being the older guy in similar age gap relationships—when I hear about a 31-year-old man getting involved with a 22-year-old woman I don't see a man who is thinking seriously about marriage. It's still conceptual, something for "down the line," probably not so different than the way he thought about it all when he was, you know, 22. He looks at you and sees "girlfriend who I love," not "future wife." Maybe not "partner." And that's not a verdict on you, but just where he's at—place where he, despite those 8 years, might be less mature than you. "

 

My close friend met her ex husband through a personal ad. She was 23 and he was 31, neither had ever been married, both had had serious relationships. She knew he was the one right away. He apparently did too -he proposed three months later and they were married about 7 months after meeting, head over heels. They were married for about 20 years. Honestly, part of why they divorced had to do with their initial expectations/clouded by love, you know the drill. But yes he knew, yes he dated her because he was looking to marry and so was she. I don't agree based on this and other examples that that kind of age difference means anything about readiness for marriage.

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OP, my attitude has always been, and will continue to be, if you cannot live and be happy with a little uncertainty, in your relationships and in life, then you may as well be living under a rock.

 

Life is chock full of uncertainties, there are never any guarantees EVER, and that goes for relationships – even marriages, given the current divorce rate, at least in the U.S.

 

Why not choose to focus on the positive! He raves about you at work, talks about how amazing you are. You said he is amazing and are very happy with him – you posted you feel very loved by him.

 

So now because of one comment he made to a co-worker that he considers marriage a huge commitment (which it IS) you’ve worked yourself into a spin, making all sorts of assumptions about him, allowing your anxieties to run the show, versus the reality the situation -- that being, you have only been dating one year, which again in the grand scheme of the rest of your life, is a mere blip.

 

He loves you, wants to move to the next level and live with you, I say relax! Enjoy, be happy.

 

If he begins treating you poorly or behaves in unloving ways towards you, then revisit the matter.

 

But for now, as loyal said, love him, let him love you, allowing your relationship (and each other) the freedom to take it wherever it's meant to take you, and be happy!! :D

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Frankly OP I think the guy is smart and I see absolutely nothing wrong, and everything right, with him being uncertain right now and not giving you a definitive answer.

 

Not only does him being so honest with you (knowing he could lose you) reflect a lot of integrity, it also means he takes commitment and marriage very seriously and wants to be absolutely sure when he does marry, it's the right decision with the right woman, the goal being it will last forever.

 

Just because he's not 100% absolutely certain you are the right woman right now at this moment, does not mean he won't feel that way next week, next month, next year.

 

I also think the pressure society has placed on people (especially women) and couples, to get married, have children, without even having taken the necessary time to get to know each other properly (which imo takes longer than one year), has also contributed to poor decisions being made, a rush into marriage before they're ready for it, and why so many marriages break down ending in divorce.

 

And I think it's that pressure from society, at least in part, or a certain expectation or conditioning imposed by society, that is causing the OP to feel as she does.

 

JMO on that though.

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Just to clarify, Batya: I didn't mean to make a totally generalized statement, even as I made one. I've known all sorts of people to get all sorts of married in all sorts of dynamics—some still together, some not, some a mess, some great. The universal story of marriage.

 

I guess I was thinking about it in the context of this relationship, per what Rose was saying. Bottom line here: this is not a guy who is thinking about marriage and probably, at least up until the other night, he liked that he was in a relationship where that wasn't a major issue. They live together, it's only been a year—all good. It goes where it goes.

 

OP is in a different headspace, clearly. It is has not only been a year for her, but a whole year. I can make arguments either way to whose approach might be more rational, or mature, but that doesn't negate the "certainty" of the disconnect here, as you well articulated above.

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Just to clarify, Batya: I didn't mean to make a totally generalized statement, even as I made one. I've known all sorts of people to get all sorts of married in all sorts of dynamics—some still together, some not, some a mess, some great. The universal story of marriage.

 

I guess I was thinking about it in the context of this relationship, per what Rose was saying. Bottom line here: this is not a guy who is thinking about marriage and probably, at least up until the other night, he liked that he was in a relationship where that wasn't a major issue. They live together, it's only been a year—all good. It goes where it goes.

 

OP is in a different headspace, clearly. It is has not only been a year for her, but a whole year. I can make arguments either way to whose approach might be more rational, or mature, but that doesn't negate the "certainty" of the disconnect here, as you well articulated above.

 

Oh of course -timing is all about mindset and perspective -not wrong or right. When my now husband and I got back together we met a friend for dinner who knew us from the first time around. We'd been dating three months and he asked when we were getting engaged. He said that since we'd dated in the past and were in our late 30s three month was enough for us to know. But it wasn't enough for us - not for me, especially!

 

In her situation she thinks a year is enough and he doesn't. Which is why I asked her how long would she stay if she knew he was never going to marry her. I think based on his answer she needs to assume that if her goal is marriage. He's not saying "I know I want to marry you in the future I'm just not ready yet" - he is saying "I don't know if I ever want to marry you because it's too soon for me to know". After a year he doesn't know if he ever wants to marry her. Very different from the former. Different enough that if she wants marriage I suggested what I suggested to her. If he said the former then they could talk about timelines and when he thinks he would have a better idea of when - far more to work with than not being sure yet that he ever wants to marry her. But he is apparently sure he wants to live with her, be a couple with her, have sex with her. So that is what he is ready for. They do not have compatible goals right now.

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>>I know I want to marry you in the future I'm just not ready yet"

If a man said this to me after only one year of dating, I would think he's full of ****, not being honest and stringing me along. And I would lose trust.

 

>>I don't know if I ever want to marry you because it's too soon for me to know.

 

Of course it's too soon to know, and if a man said this to me after one year, it would increase my trust.

 

As it's a much more honest and realistic attitude to have after only one year.

 

But then again, one year would be too soon for me to know, which may be why the second comment would resonate with me better.

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One year isn't too soon to know. You can get married in a year and it can last a long time. She's not expecting him to propose right now, but after one year you should have some clue where u see it headed. Hell you've lived together and it's not like you barely see him-you see each other all the time.

 

Don't be like me and drag it out for years longer. I wished my ex at the time was as straight forward as your bf is being now

-he wants different things to u. You can either accept it and accept he likes to live in the moment or reconsider the relationship.

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I hate to sound cynical but I am beginning to think some women (not necessarily you OP) would rather be told by a man "oh I KNOW I want to marry you BUT....." than him being honest and truthful in saying, "it's too soon for me to know."

 

Maybe it's ego or something I don't know, like god forbid a man isn't 100% sure you're "the one" and he needs a bit more time to find out before making such a huge commitment as marriage.

 

Rant over.

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They don't need to say it with certain terms but he's unsure in general. He's 32, acting like a 20 year old.

 

"He couldn't believe she took what they talked about as real"

 

That level of shock after a year is abit over the top. Clearly marriage or anything serious isn't anywhere in his mind right now. The longest relationship he had was less than a year? It def shows.

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Well just me, but I would much rather a man tell me he doesn't know for sure, rather than feed me a load of bullcrap that he KNOWS I'm "the one" (after only one year -- ::eyeroll::) and wants to marry me "down the road" but not ready yet.

 

I would trust the man who was honest in telling me didn't know yet and needed more time spent together to know, rather than the man feeding me the load of bull that he knows, but not ready, blah blah.

 

But I've always been a bit of a weirdo on these forums, so my attitude about this is just par for the course I suppose.

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somuchlove19,

 

I hate to tell you this but your story is very universal. You are young and he's taking advantage of your naivete.

 

My thoughts are:

 

He has this mentality of "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

 

He's enjoying the ride. He's enjoying the girlfriend-boyfriend relationship because it's cheaper and less expensive than a sincere promise to devote his life to you legally. This is the harsh reality check.

 

A legal commitment is expensive both with his promise for the long haul and monetarily. He has cold feet and even though he says he loves you, he doesn't love you THAT much nor to THAT extent. You don't have to like this but you need to accept this.

 

Talk is cheap. He says he loves you but doesn't wish to prove his love to you by giving you what you envision such as marriage, family and a home. He's still playing the field in his mind and wants to keep his options open. In other words, he hasn't grown up yet. He is a boy in a man's body. He's immature.

 

When he's done with you, he'll continue sowing his oats and you'll be just another notch on his belt.

 

His intentions with you are insincere. He's stringing you along.

 

I say stop wasting your youth on a man who cannot and will not deliver. He is very worldly already and taking advantage of your naivete. I hope years will not pass before you realize he is using you for a romp in the hay, playing house and for his convenience. I've heard so many stories of women older than you who finally realized that they were with a man who didn't have honorable intentions whatsoever.

 

I'm giving you a heads up. Wake up. Stop taking his crap. You deserve a man who is in lockstep with you. Any other man is nothing but a bad apple.

 

His trying to console you is a bunch of crap. He doesn't sound like a sweetheart to me. He's just buying time from you until you become upset and angry again because he doesn't want the same thing you want.

 

My advice to you if you want to get over it is to get rid of him.

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