How did you move on and found love again?

The "Getting back together really does happen!" has tons of posts where people tell their story on how they got back with their ex. In the beginning of a break-up this can give you some hope, but it shouldn't be the focus of your healing.

The focus of your healing should be on moving on and trying to forget your ex and close that door for good. I'm currently 3 weeks after a breakup and have a hard time imaging myself with someone else in the future.

So, I rather want to hear some stories of how people moved on after their breakup and how they meet new, maybe better, partners.

• How old were you when you broke up?
  
• How long did your relationship last?
  
• Were you the dumper or dumpee?
  
• Why did you breakup?
  
• How long did it take to move on?
  
• How long did it take to find someone new?
  

Well I'd like to help you Pik and I do like questionnaires so here you go:

• How old were you when you broke up?

15, 17, 20, 22, 23, (a myriad of short term relationships), 30, 35, 39, 42 and 49.

• How long did your relationship last?
  

Usually around 2 years with two 5 year ones.

• Were you the dumper or dumpee?
  

Dumpee every time.

• Why did you breakup?

I was left, abandoned, lied to, cheated on, dumped, divorced...for various reasons. Usually I got the "Love you but not IN love with you" EXcuse....

But so as not to play the victim too much, in tonnes of reflection, I used to pedestal my partners and I wasn't very good at maintaining healthy boundaries.

I grew up in a family where I believed I had to DO something or please my parents to get love....This then transferred over into romantic relationships.

Usually respect starts to wane and then, after respect goes, attraction soon follows and then it's back to the abyss for me*

However, what constitutes a couple who meet and stay together versus a couple who doesn't? Is it luck? Fate?....Who knows. Relationships are strange like that*

• How long did it take to move on?
  

I never took breakups very well. In fact, worse than most I would say....Some of them took me 3 years...This last one (my one and only marriage) will be 2 years in September and whilst I'm better than I was, I'm not sure what will happen....

• How long did it take to find someone new?
  

Refer to the numbers at question 1.....

I will say this though, all of my serious relationships came organically out of the blue whilst I was just living my life....I never really did 'dating' per se'...

In fact, damn Universe. Just when I start feeling better someone else comes in to smash me :-/

As for exes coming back, that's not something I've ever had happen*

How do I feel about love and long term relationships now? 'The One' if you will....?

That's probably best left unsaid*

Thanks Pik....that was...'fun'(?)

I need a cigarette now :)

Love n Light...and Ever Forward

Carus*

It took considerable soul-searching. Luckily I did it multi-tasking. It did not take me long to find my husband. Don't lose faith in yourself.

The "Getting back together really does happen!" has tons of posts where people tell their story on how they got back with their ex. In the beginning of a break-up this can give you some hope, but it shouldn't be the focus of your healing.

The focus of your healing should be on moving on and trying to forget your ex and close that door for good. I'm currently 3 weeks after a breakup and have a hard time imaging myself with someone else in the future.

So, I rather want to hear some stories of how people moved on after their breakup and how they meet new, maybe better, partners.

 

• How old were you when you broke up?
  
• How long did your relationship last?
  
• Were you the dumper or dumpee?
  
• Why did you breakup?
  
• How long did it take to move on?
  
• How long did it take to find someone new?
  

10-year relationship. Spanned from 20-years-old to 30-years-old. Dated for 5 years, married for 5 years. Broke up after 2 years of dating, got back together after 9 months apart. I was the dumpee. We broke up because her attraction for me died. I became boring, predictable, lacked drive, etc. During our time apart, we both dated. In fact, I started dating someone else who was a better fit for me, but ultimately, ended up taking my ex-girlfriend back after she showed me a detailed journal of the steps she took to work on her issues, improve herself, etc. I also made some major changes in my life (e.g., got into amazing shape, redid my wardrobe, started doing hobbies/activities I neglected, made new friends, dated a lot of women). Once we got back together, we were together for 7 years straight, married for 5.

I filed for divorce in March 2019. Still going through the process. No kids or anything, which makes things easier. We're getting divorced because our relationship stopped growing. In fact, I felt like it stopped growing in 2017, yet I stuck it out. Your 20s are formative years. People change, desire changes, etc. I went through a lot of self-improvement and self-growth. While I was pretty upset about the divorce, I understand why it's happening. I need a totally different type of person. I need someone who is softer, sweeter, more gentle. My ex was hard and rigid. She was hot, but hard and rigid.

I've started dating a lot of different people since I've been out of the game for awhile. I've met new women through activities that I like doing (e.g., volunteer events, softball, through friends). I've been improving myself, etc. You have to get back to makes you happy as a person and stay true to that. once you do that, you'll become much happier.

Love your vibe, Carus. And if you are a fellow surfer who enjoys a hit of nicotine on occasion—well, namaste.

Inspired by Carus, I'll do my best here.

Ages (edited for what I'd consider seminal relationships): 16, 26, 30, 33, and 37.

Length: all of them have been 2-3 years, with 3 being the atmospheric barrier I have yet to crack. Wouldn't mind seeing what's on the other side of that, and think I've now got the muscles required for a deeper swim, but the universe knows what's in store more than I do.

Dumper/dumpee: I was the dumper until 33, and I credit being dumped as one of the most wonderful experiences of my life—a much-needed injection of humility, if a shattering one. I suspect my last gf and I both feel like the dumpee, even though I was the "official" one to press the red eject button. But we were so deep in the nuclear fallout zone by then that dumper/dumpee was a formality; such labels don't apply to emotionally ravaged zombies.

Why: Simple answer? We stopped working, every time . Specifics: I've ended things because I had itches to scratch—some existential, some primal, and those feelings came to eclipse the feelings another deserved inside a relationship. I've been broken up with when someone had her own existential itches to scratch. I've been on both sides of infidelity, which indirectly led to ends, though never directly in the ways of movies. Lots of stores—lashes given, lashes received—to get to the same story: we stopped working.

Moving on timetable: takes me a while, longer with age, though less bitter. When you can think nothing more than those three words—we stopped working—you've moved on. Let's clock it at 1-3 years, which a keen mathematician will see means I've gotten into some things before fully "moving on" from others. Didn't know I was doing so, of course. Best lessons are often learned the hardest of ways: you need the scar so you can remember the wound, or at least that's how I've operated.

Someone new: depends on your definition of "someone new." When I was younger, there was often a "someone," and, when "single," maybe more than one someone. So from that angle, it sometimes took a few hours, a day, though those "new" things became "old" pretty quick, literally and figuratively.

But finding someone I loved and committed to? Roughly 1-2 years, looking at the books, with a big early gap in my teens, when I actively chose to not be in a serious relationship from 18-23 because I was focused on a creative pursuit and career.

Like Carus, the new person has generally come along when I'm not looking for it, or not too thirsty for it. I rarely am that into the hunt, truth be told, probably because certain goals—marriage, children, cohabitation—have never guided me. I'm about to turn 40 and I've done none of those things. I love being in relationships. I love being single. I love parities. I love spending a week straight alone, staring out a window, saying nothing to nobody. I have spent the past 7 months falling in love with someone, and it has a flavor I've never tasted—sweeter, deeper. But I was in love before I met her—with myself—so she is not a barometer of anything about me, my value, my worth. That's all happening two years after my last big breakup. Those two years were good years—and I'd say that without them, to say nothing of the 35 before, I'd never have met this woman or had the stuff required to connect to her.

You're three weeks in? Hugs. You are basically standing naked in a fire pit, with Mike Tyson throwing jabs at your solar-plexus while a raven sh*ts in your eyes. That's how it goes. Take the blows, and the heat. You can. Everyone can. There's as much good stuff in this moment as there is inside a relationship. Try putting that sentence in pipe and inhaling hard—it's real stuff.

In yoga they say, "You are exactly where you are supposed to be right this second." Try to think of that when the pain is at its worst, when the confusion has you upside-down and blind. You might be able to find something like peace, in the fire. I got into yoga after one of those breakups (33) and I will always remember the teacher saying that when I was knotted up in an awkward pretzel in a city I didn't know, cheeks quavering and a love lost on my mind. It helped. Maybe even changed me.

Alright, riff over. Don't hit refresh too many times on this page, waiting for the words to come in. Or, well, do that as much as you'd like and need to. But make sure you're doing other things too, even when they feel forced. A funny thing happens when do that. What was forced becomes natural, even fun, and you become you again: same guy but stronger, brighter, open to whatever is next.

Love your vibe, Carus. And if you are a fellow surfer who enjoys a hit of nicotine on occasion—well, namaste.

Heh. Well thanks for the accolades BC* and yes my brother, I am.

Which is an interesting paradigm isn’t it - a big wave surfer who smokes. In fact I think a few of the guys do*

Reading your post, and many of your others, it seems we have a lot more in common too. In fact you remind me of a poster from way back called SuperDave*

I’ll send you a PM tomorrow ( you too Tri* x) but right now it’s after 2am and I gotta get up at 5:30 for the pre-dawn attack. There’s something vivacious and spiritual about paddling out alone into the wild ocean whilst it’s still dark*

@Pik* - Hang in there buddy. No one can say how long it takes any one person to heal but it does get better. That I can promise you.

Patience Neo. The answers will come*

Carus*

Which is an interesting paradigm isn’t it - a big wave surfer who smokes. In fact I think a few of the guys do*

I'll play with this for a moment in a way that might not be a total digression from the theme of this thread.

Of course a lot of surfers smoke. Subtract the spiritual stuff—very real stuff, all that, which I suspect we could riff on plenty over PM—and you've got a personality type that enjoys (requires?) proximity to death to savor life.

What is a cigarette? It is a taste of death, expertly packaged, rendered delicious, even affirming. Life and death rolled into one ephemeral thing. It is the "drop"—something that feels so totally wrong, were it not for the fact that it feels so totally right. Until, of course, it doesn't.

Breakups are deaths we live through. No one seeks them out—not the way we seek a wave or a smoke. No, they seek us and level us, even when we're the ones who instigated them. The craziest thing about these micro deaths, of course, is that we remain alive.

Remember that, Pik. What you're going through right now is life—the edge of it that is so sharp it feels a bit like death. Hang in there—or, well, ride it out.

How old were you when you broke up? early 30s

How long did your relationship last? 2 years

Were you the dumper or dumpee? Neither. I hate those terms. Anyway I pulled the trigger first but then he wanted to stay separate when I rethought my decision

Why did you breakup?Because was panicking and had doubts about going through with our marriage

How long did it take to move on? Very little time but that's complicated - i started dating right away basically but was I over him - mostly but I likely compared other guys to him in one way or another.

How long did it take to find someone new? About two months.

P.S. I ended up marrying him 11 years and one month after our originally scheduled wedding date. Married now for 10 years!

I never found love again, and I just accepted it.

I never found love again, and I just accepted it.

This seems, to me, sublime.

I wouldn't change my marriage or how happy we are but I've known supreme happiness not living in the realm of being in love or with anyone else. This was a happiness in stark and vibrant colours, experiences, adventures, tests of faith and endurance and new learning like I'd never known. It's where I heard voices in others and found my own voice and started to see dark and light, good and bad, and all those funny and dark layers between irony, humour, right and wrong. Relationships pale in comparison to that kind of place so it's ultimately ironic that I am happily married.

I like the potential of the thread moving perhaps dynamically and reminiscent of times future and past, and the understanding that perhaps being in a relationship is not the be all or end all of life at all.

I've dated a few men who were duds. Each relationship didn't last very long because I knew from the beginning due to their very bad incurable character flaws that we would be incompatible. I'd say I was the dumpee but many times it was mutual because our personalities were different. They weren't what I was looking for. My checklist was stringent. I could afford to be very picky and choosy. I wasn't in any hurry nor rush whatsoever. It didn't take me long to move on. I was ready to shop around as they say. It took me about a year or two to find someone new.

I snatched up my husband right away. I didn't waste any time. He was a catch! We have 2 wonderful sons, a house in the 'burbs and unfortunately, my dog passed away several months ago.

Most recently I was in my mid 40s and we were together for 15 years. He was the one that ended it but in hindsight I knew it definitely needed to end.

He ended it because he didn’t want to work on our relationship and thought he would be happier in a new one instead.

I was heart broken and shattered and it took me 2 years to even get up the courage and strength to file for divorce. I did date lots during that time but wasn’t ready to be in anything serious.

It really took me 3 years to put it behind me and be ready for someone new. I met someone just before the 3 year mark and we started dating... have been happy and in love ever since.

Prior to that I had been in a couple of other long term relationships... one with my daughters father that ended because he didn’t want to get or stay clean and I did... and one with a guy that I fought constantly with and my daughter couldn’t stand. In between those I didn’t wait to date or find something new so this time as a single human was about grieving those too and finding myself.

This seems, to me, sublime.

I wouldn't change my marriage or how happy we are but I've known supreme happiness not living in the realm of being in love or with anyone else. This was a happiness in stark and vibrant colours, experiences, adventures, tests of faith and endurance and new learning like I'd never known. It's where I heard voices in others and found my own voice and started to see dark and light, good and bad, and all those funny and dark layers between irony, humour, right and wrong. Relationships pale in comparison to that kind of place so it's ultimately ironic that I am happily married.

 

I like the potential of the thread moving perhaps dynamically and reminiscent of times future and past, and the understanding that perhaps being in a relationship is not the be all or end all of life at all.

Love this!

How old were you when you broke up?

The last breakup, and reason for being on this page - 32yrs old.

How long did your relationship last?

6 1/2 yrs

Were you the dumper or dumpee?

Dumpee... And I fought the breakup with everything I had...

Why did you breakup?

He went “cold” and told me he didn’t know if he loved me like that anymore. Or if he ever had...

How long did it take to move on?

Well, it’s soon to be one year since the breakup. And in truth I haven’t moved completely on I think. But I have moved on from the desperate longing and the sadness. I’ve become stronger and acknowledged how things are, and I’m at peace with that. I miss his family and home farm, and that’s what’s hard to let go really...

My situation got more complicated as my ex actually do want me back now. But he’s gotten himself involved with a girl with a few problems of her own and can’t seem to untangle himself from all that, so it doesn’t really matter at this point.

The fact that I’m able to keep my cool and know what I want and need and put that first kinda says a lot about the process of healing! I NEVER thought I’d get here, and up until January this year I was 100% convinced that the only thing I’d ever want was getting him back!

How long did it take to find someone new?

I tried the internet dating after about 4 months. I met a few alright guys, but never felt a real connection. It was nice to spend time with someone, but the thought of even hugging them made me think “he’s not x”... Then I met newguy. In February, so about 6 months post breakup. I don’t know if it was the timing or just him and me having an amazing connection, but it just fit.

I don’t know if I can say that he’s better than my ex, but after meeting him, I realize that some of the things that I just went along with not having with my ex, is actually things that are important to me. Things that makes my life better, and makes me feel better about myself, gives me more confidence. So I guess I’ve learned that about myself.

I do still think that relationships are just different, and have different pros and cons.. I’d probably be happy with choosing my ex if we were able to communicate in a better way. I know he’s grown and changed a lot. But I will be as happy with newguy probably, only in a different way. It’s frustrating and nice at the same time. And no matter what I do or how I feel, I cannot KNOW how things will end up. That thought is the one I’m struggling the most with.. it’s scary, but it’s like that for everyone!

So my thought is - it IS true, there will come a day you’ll fell better. And the path there is just yours. I never felt any help by thinking I was a “strong and independent person” or the “you need to be enough in yourself first”... Because I DO want a significant other, a family, and until I get there I will feel a bit “on the way somewhere”.. But it doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the trip. So I just filled my time with hobbies and animals and became the master of redirecting thoughts. And talked with my super friends and family.

How old were you when you broke up?

22.

How long did your relationship last?

Almost 3 years.

Were you the dumper or dumpee?

Dumpee.

Why did you breakup?

I became confused with where my life was going at the time. I became depressed, stressed, and because of that I stopped appreciating her. She understandably wanted to move on.

How long did it take to move on?

Oh boy, over 2 years. I loved that girl alot, I like to think of her as the 'one that got away'. It was tough, but I managed to find myself and become happy again.

How long did it take to find someone new?

I've yet to find someone I've loved like I did with her, but I have done some casual dating here and there nothing serious.