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Thread: Hes Not in Love With Me

  1. #1
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    Hes Not in Love With Me

    I've been in a relationship with my SO for almost a whole year now. We've said I Love you and i really thought he meant it. His actions cemented the idea that he reciprocated the feelings I have for him. Now hes changed. He told me he doesnt love me and never really did. He apologized for lying to me for so long but I'm head over heels for him and I'm genuinely heart broken. I asked him if it was something I did or said that made him change and I got nothing. He told me I was perfect all the way around but he told me over and over again that he just doesnt love me. I feel like theres something more to it. It just doesnt make sense to me that someone can be in a relationship with someone else for so long and just drop them out of no where and say that they just dont love them and never did.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    Who said I love you first? How quickly was saying the phrase introduced into your relationship?

    I ask these questions because it is actually incredibly easy to say those three words and not really mean them. Some people aren't bothered by lying about being in love at all. I personally struggle to say that I love someone if I harbor major doubts about the relationship, but others will simply go along with saying the phrase when their partner starts to until they decide to break things off.

    My suggestion would be to try to believe him, even though it hurts. He's giving you important information about who he is as a person (clearly someone who does not value honesty or integrity a great deal), and he really has no reason to lie about this (what would he gain?). I know it's difficult to process the seemingly sudden turn of events, but you would be wise to go no contact and start the grieving process. Nothing good will come out of obsessing about him or the breakup.

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    I said it first and I apologized shortly after. I was very embarrassed because I said it so soon into the relationship. He told me no one else has ever said that they loved him in a relationship and he only said it back because he didnt know what to do (hes 26 so I'm not quite sure how true this is). He explained to me that I'm also the longest relationship hes been in but hes also told me he was almost married once. Now that I think about it this could be a blessing but it hurts a lot more than I was expecting it to.

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    Iím sorry

    Thatís the worst way to lead someone on!

    I would listen to him and find someone who will truly love you.

    Also remember actions speak louder then words!

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he prefers freedom and playing the field to being in a relationship. He's just not bf material. He wants fwb not a relationship. Cut him off so you can cut your losses and move forward. Never apologize for your feelings or who you are. It sounds like he met someone or an ex is (or always was) back in the picture.
    Originally Posted by PerfectMoron
    He explained to me that I'm also the longest relationship hes been in but hes also told me he was almost married once.

  7. #6
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    I'm sorry, OP.

    It may simply be that he was always too cowardly to really tell you how he felt (ie. not as strongly as you did) and he just couldn't keep up that facade anymore. Maybe there was a specific trigger for this revelation, or maybe it just a building doubt that couldn't be contained.

    I would take him at his word, and work on healing now. Whether or not there is something more to it doesn't really change the end result for you, unfortunately.

  8. #7
    Gold Member leseine7's Avatar
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    That's horrible. I'm really sorry you are going through this. He obviously should not have told you he loved you without being sure that he did, but it's good he's being honest with you now. (Doesn't make it better, but much better for you in the long run). How did you leave things? I'm assuming this was a breakup conversation, or does he still want to pursue things?

    As hard as it is to swallow, it doesn't matter if there's more to it or not. This man has told you his truth and you need to accept that and move on - you do not want to linger and try to change his mind, because you are already on very different pages and that never works out well. A year is enough time to really know how you feel about somebody and if he knows this now, he's telling you because he doesn't think it's going to change. Move on knowing that it was better this end before you get any more deeply invested.

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    Hi,

    I'm so sorry to hear that, I was in the same situation. He said that he was not in love anymore after 4 years of being together. I was in shock as well as he did not tell me sooner when both of us could have done something about it. Those things do not matter now, they're in the past already. Don't make the same mistakes as I did where I beg him to come back, it just doesn't work that way. Love must be given willingly, not begged for. It is okay though, things are going to be pretty tough for you but all you can do is be kind to yourself and try your best to move forward, never look back. Just cut off all contacts immediately (e.g. blocking his number and him from all social media platforms).

    'It is better to take many small steps in the right direction than to make a great leap forward only to stumble backward'

    Try your best to practise self-love, it is the least you can do for yourself. You will come out stronger, trust me. We're all in this together.

  10. #9
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    All of you are so incredibly wise and I appreciate all the advice from each of you. I've been so heart broken over this whole situation but I wasnt stepping back to see the whole picture. I'm going to work very hard on not contacting him, and even harder on loving myself. I hope he never does this to anybody else.

  11. #10
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    Oh he will do this to someone else (and no doubt has before you came along), because it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him.

    Clearly this guy's got issues -- at 26 you are the longest relationship he's ever had (not quite one year) but he almost got married???

    He has never exchanged "I love you's" with anyone and meant it, and now, the utter cruelty of how he chose to end it.

    I mean, bluntly announcing he never loved you? It was all a big lie? A deception? Even if true, telling you that in the way he did? That was just cruel imo and was not necessary.

    There are much kinder ways of ending things that don't involve such insensitivity towards the person one is ending things with.

    And to me, also suggests a certain anger towards you, as if he wanted to hurt you.

    But why? Fear, anxiety. Surrounding relationships, commitment, emotional intimacy and closeness. That would be my guess.

    I know you are hurting and am so sorry, but sweetie you dodged a huge bullit!!
    Last edited by katrina1980; 07-16-2019 at 10:38 AM.

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