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Thread: Hes Not in Love With Me

  1. #11
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Maybe there were signs that he didn't love you but you missed them because you were so head-over-heels in love with him. It's hard for me think that one could keep up a facade for that long without your seeing something out of whack.

    He must have had some strong feeling for you in the beginning, but he probably realized that you weren't a good fit for each other, but was too afraid of hurting you.

    I hope your heart heals very quickly.

  2. #12
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    It doesn't make sense to you because you wouldn't do that to someone. Is he capable of loving someone? I mean this seriously--does he have empathy? He truly may not be able to love another person.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I tend to agree along the lines of what Sarah wrote but it's anyone's guess how emotionally present or intelligent a person is. I think part and parcel of focusing more on yourself is focusing less on him and what type of person he is because there is nothing you can do to change what he is or what he's said to you or shared with you.

    I'd take it with a pinch of salt and perhaps streamline your dates a bit. There is no way to tell for sure what a person will do or change into as time goes by but you can learn to hedge your bets on better situations. Take it easy and hope you feel better soon.

  4. #14
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    He was too afraid of hurting her? I am not buying this at all.

    If he were afraid of hurting her, then why would he implement the most cruel and hurtful way of ending their relationship, by announcing he never loved her and it was all a lie?

    That makes no sense to me, that is what you say to someone you're angry at, not someone you're afraid of hurting.

    And the anger he's feeling? It's fear, anxiety surrounding emotional intimacy and closeness, commitment.

    JMO of course, but I knew several men like this in my support group. When they started feeling fearful and anxious about the closeness or seriousness of their relationship, they'd become angry at their girlfriends! Ended it in very cruel ways similar to this guy.

    Makes no sense either but through the help of our moderator, they came to understand it.

    OP, again, I know it's hard to accept this now while you're hurting, but huge bullet dodged!!
    Last edited by katrina1980; 07-16-2019 at 01:07 PM.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    He was too afraid of hurting her? I am not buying this at all.

    If he were afraid of hurting her, then why would he implement the most cruel and hurtful way of ending their relationship, by announcing he never loved her and it was all a lie?

    That makes no sense to me, that is what you say to someone you're angry at, not someone you're afraid of hurting.

    And the anger he's feeling? It's fear, anxiety surrounding emotional intimacy and closeness, commitment.

    JMO of course, but I knew several men like this in my support group. When they started feeling fearful and anxious about the closeness or seriousness of their relationship, they'd become angry at their girlfriends! Ended it in very cruel ways similar to this guy.

    Makes no sense either but through the help of our moderator, they came to understand it.

    OP, again, I know it's hard to accept this now while you're hurting, but huge bullet dodged!!
    It doesn't make sense logically but it makes sense emotionally. Humans are really great at avoiding trouble "now" to cause greater trouble "later". He's not trying to hurt her - he's just finally being honest, which yes, ironically, is going to cause a huge amount of pain. You couple that with probably a lack of understanding in how words will be felt by the other party.

    I'm not seeing the anger you are... He's just telling the truth - the truth is he never *really* loved her. Well, that's probably not true either, but for him in this moment it feels true. Making some assumptions here, but he has probably had many moments where he had second thoughts and chose to ignore them and sweep them under the rug. Most likely... he then had second thoughts after the second thoughts. Where he loved you sometimes, and didn't love you others. He has only now come to a decision of which of those two conflicting emotions to trust as the "real" one.

    I know how much this can sting, and I was only dating the girl who did this to me for 5 months. But in the grand scheme of things, at least you found out after only a year. That's what I kept telling myself about my situation. It can be really hard in early days for some people to know how they really feel - they aren't as in tune with their emotions as you might have been. And a year is still pretty early.

    It took a while but in looking back I can see how emotionally on the surface we were in my relationship that ended this way. Things seemed deep at the time, but both of us were just kind of roleplaying being in love. I actually believed my role - and she didn't. But it could have probably went the other way. We were both very new to relationships, which seems to be common with this profile. People who haven't been in a long relationship before are going to be more likely to be role playing and not as in tune with their emotions compared to those with more experience.

    (Oh, and it's totally possible for a 26 year old to not have had long relationships before. I was 27 at the start of my experience I described above, and that was my first relationship. We get plenty of posters in here complaining about being in their late twenties or early thirties and not ever having experienced one.)

  7. #16
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I agree, Saluk. He was never ugly and abusive with her, he even said she was perfect. There's no real motive for him to be cruel to her. He just, as you suggested, wanted to postpone the pain of ending it, in my opinion.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, people often get caught up in the excitement of ‘new’ and confuse that for love. Some even jump into marriage too soon because of it. Or living together. Or embracing an accidental pregnancy to form a family. So we don’t know how long this guy held onto those initial feelings, but he has recognized the problem and has decided to be honest with you instead of trying to build some kind of case against you to make the breakup into your fault or otherwise just dump you without an explanation.

    That’s cold comfort, I know, but it beats any of the outcomes above. My heart goes out to you, and I hope you’ll recognize that you deserve your RIGHT match, and you’ll find him one day.

  9. #18
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    saluk and Sarah, you're right.

    I just read her post again and I saw no anger, only honesty.

    Apologies to the OP not sure where my head was at when posting it.

    I'm sorry things didn't work out, and as catfeeder said, you deserve better and you will find your "mr right" someday.

  10. #19
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    All of this has brought me to a better understanding of it all. It was really hard for me to understand how you could just not love someone. I think I fell hard and fast. However I know everything I felt was real and I know that's why this hurts the way it does. Part of me is definitely angry that I felt so hard and he didnt feel anything in return, but i know i cant force people to feel one way or another. I've just gotta learn to live with it .

  11. #20
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Glad you're finding clarity, even in the pain. Did you end things with him?

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