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Thread: Girlfriend Advice!! Help is appreciated

  1. #21
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Maybe you need to communicate that with your girlfriend. Perhaps if she knows that if nothing changes you will be gone it might get her attention.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jjt
    It sounds bad but if i were to meet someone else it would be a possibility, but all my friends are in relationships atm and I am fed up with the tinder experience going back on my self
    Yes, that sounds very bad.

    Imagine if she, or any girlfriend, said that about you. That if another guy magically appeared she could see herself leaving you—but, hey, all her friends are coupled up and swiping sucks so she'll grind it out a bit longer...

  3. #23
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    I agree you have to communicate and be as open as you can, discuss your feelings with each other in which I try to do and encourage her to be herself and dont hold back, communication and trust is most important but irate irrational behaviour is not what im used to.

  4. #24
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    I get that but its life, to make the other person happy and to be happy in your self is key to a harmonious relationship. If i acted out and acted in a aggressive not nice way what would I expect...

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Is this a dynamic you've had in past relationships? Like where you're sort of treating a woman with kid gloves, wavering between explaining/apologizing for yourself and then listening to her explain/apologize for being moody?

  7. #26
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    I wouldnt say it was like this, as this is intense. We can all misunderstand each other but not all the time, sometimes you just need some banter and a laugh.

  8. #27
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    jj, what I sense from you is that you're very frustrated with your life right now...and a little big angry at the unfairness of her treatment of you. And the fact that you said you would be open to meeting someone new tells me that this relationship has probably run its course.

    Don't worry so much about all your friends being in relationships. That's not a reason to stay with someone who makes you unhappy. Do what makes you happy and fulfilled. You don't have that now.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    She might suffer from depression. My ex husband suffered from it and displayed it by being overly defensive about things others wouldn't, and was angry a lot. Much of what you described about her sounds a lot like her.

    I'd say to her, "I care about you and it's upsetting to see you so unhappy. Have you considered going for a psychiatric evaluation to see if you could benefit from antidepressants and counseling?"

    If she accepts this and gets on meds, give it time to see if the meds and counseling work.

    If she refuses to get help, I'd walk away, which I eventually did. Because people who refuse to help themselves can't expect an unhappy martyr to sacrifice his life so that she'll have a partner in life. You will also end up feeling smothered with being the sole center of her universe since she lacks friends or hobbies. Those types of people sometime use emotional manipulation like, "If you break up with me, I will commit suicide." Don't fall for it. Tell her you will call 911 and her parents.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    I'd say to her, "I care about you and it's upsetting to see you so unhappy. Have you considered going for a psychiatric evaluation to see if you could benefit from antidepressants and counseling?"
    At only 8 months in? That seems tricky, I have to say, especially since it sounds like this has been the dynamic from the beginning. She could very likely hear that as, "I care about you but I don't like things that I used to seem like I liked. Have you considered seeing a shrink to become someone I like more?"

    Not saying that depression might not be a culprit here, but I just think it's a dicey path when you're getting into pathology and diagnostics at a point where you're still building a connection—or perhaps discovering that the connection and dynamic doesn't have enough juice to justify the squeeze.

    I'm totally biased here. Managing the moods of another holds no appeal for me. When it comes up early in dating, as it often does, I'm out; when it has come up in longer relationships—the repetitive discussions, the nudges toward therapy—it has never blossomed or "turned a corner."

    I know myself to be someone who can manage his moods pretty well. Maybe that's through yoga, or by hitting up my therapist. I want to date people who have their own tools, so I am not the tool or the one holding their hand in the hardware store because I think that, no matter how well-intentioned, can often just exacerbate the very dynamic you are both trying to alleviate.

    Here's a Q for you jjt: If you guys weren't dealing with this stuff on the regular, what do you think things would look like? It's worth asking how much of your intimacy is built around these sorts of confrontations, maybe in ways you're only realizing now.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Figure out your priorities.

    If your priority is just to claim you are in a relationship because your friends are, aka baaa sheep baa, then even a blow up doll will do. Or this disordered chick.

    If you actually want a healthy relationship, then drop the desperate me too act and don't waste your time on disordered damsels in distress. Those are the things you stay away from. Not gf material, not relationship material.

    Keep in mind that there is nothing bad about being single. If you aren't ready to put in real effort into finding a quality mate, then maybe it's time to expand your social circle and find some single friends. Swiping on Tinder....or even looking for a relationship on Tinder is a waste of time. There are better quality sites out there and there is this thing called.....gasp....real life - I hear it still works incredibly well. :P

    Methinks you already know this and don't really need strangers to tell you to cut bait and run.

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