Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Results 1 to 10 of 10

Thread: Has my relationship peaked?

  1. #1

    Has my relationship peaked?

    Hi everyone,

    My mind is a bit scattered so I'm hoping all this makes sense. I've been with my boyfriend for about 3.5 years now. I'm 25 and he is 32. Everything is going well, but I'm starting to feel a bit drained, sad, and lonely.

    Like most relationships, the beginning is always new and exciting. I love dressing up and doing my makeup before seeing him. I love the things we do together, hikes, traveling, and just doing whatever together. I love the way he use to show interest in me (hugging me from behind, in bed, the meaningful kisses and conversations... a lot of things that involve the both of us.) We basically evolved in this amazing couple. I wasn't afraid to show my face without makeup, being silly, and loved just being myself. I consider myself to have a pretty solid relationship up until this year.

    Through our 3.5 years of being together I've learn that I love to be loved, who doesn't right? With him, I've learned that he has a lot of anger and speaks negatively (most of the time now) due to his upbringing and childhood trauma. He's a successful man now, but he's always on a edge like a ticking time bomb about to explode to just full on rage. He could easily get mad over setting up a computer/tv and running into issues. I try to calm him down in these situations. When he rants about certain issues, I actively listen.

    I stay over at his house every weekend. I love to look good for him but it now comes to a point where he "doesn't care how I look." The compliments are gone, the loving hugs and kisses are gone. It confuses me because he talks about women all the time (celebrities, his interests, etc). One day, I wore this tight dress that shows all my curves, walked out of the restroom to show him, and all he said was "why are you wearing that?" I was shocked and just said, "well, because I wanted too.

    Time goes on, the negative talks continue, and I just continue to absorb everything. When he does speak negatively I just sit there quietly or leave the room/area. I just can't take it anymore. It's emotionally draining me. I know this is true because he told me that "I wasn't vibrant anymore" when honestly I have all this time until this emotional turmoil has taken over. I mean who can be happy when the person you're with is super negative?

    I shower him with surprising gifts, I write love notes, I do so much for it to go unnoticed. No thank you's, nothing. He just takes it all for granted because its simply given to him. Is it reciprocated? No, it isn't. In fact, he's never told me he loves me. He just tells me that he has no interest in anything anymore, life sucks, or he just talks about himself all the time. He even cuts me off when I'm speaking to talk about something else and when I stay frustratingly quiet he'll finally realize and say, "what we're you saying?" In my head I'm saying, "weren't you listening this whole time?!"

    I've lost hope and feel drained, sad, lonely, and unattractive. When it's going good it's going great but when it's bad it's ugly and the ugly is happening more frequently now.

    I'd would love to tell him all of my concerns but I'm afraid he'll get upset for thinking of such a thing. In fact, he's the type that would get mad and won't talk for days.

    I'm not sure how to talk to him about this, any ideas about the best way to bring this up? Or what should I do?

    Thanks for reading.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    9,169
    This doesn't sound healthy at all.

    Has he gone silent on you before? The fact that you are tiptoeing around him says a lot, and I wonder how (or if) previous conflicts have been resolved.

    You are going to need to say something, if you feel like you want this relationship to work. However, given what you have written - do you want this to work out? It sounds like it's become very one-sided with you doing all of the emotional heavy lifting. In 3.5 years he has never told you he loves you, correct? And it appears his actions are not telling you he loves you, either. I tend to think this has run its course, but I realize most are not truly ready to break up when they post their concerns here.

    If you do approach him with this, do so at a time when he's not already upset about something. Let him know you are concerned about the state of the relationship and what you would like to see happen in order to rectify it. Find your voice and be brave when you listen. I would be clear that it's serious enough to be a deal-breaker if you two cannot find a middle ground, and be prepared to walk away if he blows up or refuses to hear you out. A relationship is not viable when one person is stonewalling the other.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    34,890
    Gender
    Male
    End this.Do you live at home with parents? Why are you hanging out at his place every single weekend? Someone this nasty and negative is indeed a drain. It's time to stop smothering and being a doormat. You are actively enabling his maltreatment and disrespect by rewarding it this much. You can't fix or change him.

    Don't be a therapist, mother or martyr. It is pointless and that's why you feel "drained". You are not going to fix or change him. Sitting there like a punching bag is a waste of your life. Set up a few appts with a therapist for some short term therapy.

    Your self esteem should not be this contingent on anyone. He treats you like trash and you need to leave. You need a life outside of him to build your self esteem.
    Originally Posted by KatesTalk
    When he rants about certain issues, I actively listen.

    I stay over at his house every weekend.

    Time goes on, the negative talks continue, and I just continue to absorb everything. When he does speak negatively I just sit there quietly

    he told me that "I wasn't vibrant anymore"

    I shower him with surprising gifts,

    I write love notes, I do so much for it to go unnoticed.

    He just takes it all for granted because its simply given to him.

    he's never told me he loves me.

    I've lost hope and feel drained, sad, lonely, and unattractive.

  4. #4
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    End this.Do you live at home with parents? Why are you hanging out at his place every single weekend? Someone this nasty and negative is indeed a drain. It's time to stop smothering and being a doormat. You are actively enabling his maltreatment and disrespect by rewarding it this much. You can't fix or change him.

    Don't be a therapist, mother or martyr. It is pointless and that's why you feel "drained". You are not going to fix or change him. Sitting there like a punching bag is a waste of your life. Set up a few appts with a therapist for some short term therapy.

    Your self esteem should not be this contingent on anyone. He treats you like trash and you need to leave. You need a life outside of him to build your self esteem.
    Thanks for the insight Wiseman. I do live with my parents. The area where I live is insanely expensive. I do own a home out of state though. We get more privacy at his place. I didn't even realize that I should be seeking therapy myself. Honestly wasn't sure if I'm just being needy or acting up and that's why I'm asking here. /:

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    9,169
    Originally Posted by KatesTalk
    Honestly wasn't sure if I'm just being needy or acting up and that's why I'm asking here. /:
    You're not being needy. Most people would not be satisfied in the current state of your relationship. I sure wouldn't be.

    Does your boyfriend imply you are needy? Where are you getting that idea from?

  7. #6
    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    This doesn't sound healthy at all.

    Has he gone silent on you before? The fact that you are tiptoeing around him says a lot, and I wonder how (or if) previous conflicts have been resolved.

    You are going to need to say something, if you feel like you want this relationship to work. However, given what you have written - do you want this to work out? It sounds like it's become very one-sided with you doing all of the emotional heavy lifting. In 3.5 years he has never told you he loves you, correct? And it appears his actions are not telling you he loves you, either. I tend to think this has run its course, but I realize most are not truly ready to break up when they post their concerns here.

    If you do approach him with this, do so at a time when he's not already upset about something. Let him know you are concerned about the state of the relationship and what you would like to see happen in order to rectify it. Find your voice and be brave when you listen. I would be clear that it's serious enough to be a deal-breaker if you two cannot find a middle ground, and be prepared to walk away if he blows up or refuses to hear you out. A relationship is not viable when one person is stonewalling the other.
    I always think that maybe he'll come around again. You know, like his old self back? It really is one sided though. It makes wonder if he's even attracted to me anymore. I keep going back and forth about telling him my concerns. I really don't like confrontation myself and I feel like I'm going to cry just bringing it up. Going to gather my thoughts this week and try to talk about it when I see him again... thank you

  8. #7
    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    This doesn't sound healthy at all.

    Has he gone silent on you before? The fact that you are tiptoeing around him says a lot, and I wonder how (or if) previous conflicts have been resolved.

    You are going to need to say something, if you feel like you want this relationship to work. However, given what you have written - do you want this to work out? It sounds like it's become very one-sided with you doing all of the emotional heavy lifting. In 3.5 years he has never told you he loves you, correct? And it appears his actions are not telling you he loves you, either. I tend to think this has run its course, but I realize most are not truly ready to break up when they post their concerns here.

    If you do approach him with this, do so at a time when he's not already upset about something. Let him know you are concerned about the state of the relationship and what you would like to see happen in order to rectify it. Find your voice and be brave when you listen. I would be clear that it's serious enough to be a deal-breaker if you two cannot find a middle ground, and be prepared to walk away if he blows up or refuses to hear you out. A relationship is not viable when one person is stonewalling the other.
    I forgot to note that he did go silent on me a handful of times. I remember one lasting a few days and the worst being a month!

  9. #8
    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    You're not being needy. Most people would not be satisfied in the current state of your relationship. I sure wouldn't be.

    Does your boyfriend imply you are needy? Where are you getting that idea from?
    He doesn't say I am but I just think that maybe it's me? For example, when he visits me and leaves late, I ask that he texts me or call me letting me know he's home safe. Not sure, I honestly think I'm "low key"

  10. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    9,169
    Originally Posted by KatesTalk
    I forgot to note that he did go silent on me a handful of times. I remember one lasting a few days and the worst being a month!
    Surely you realize this isn't normal?

    It's not just you, OP. This person isn't being a decent partner to you. I don't know if you have prior dating or relationship experience, but this isn't what a healthy and sustainable relationship looks like.

    Based on what you have added, I would simply end this. This guy isn't the best you can do, I promise.

  11. #10
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    14,682
    Multiple accounts not allowed. Thread closed.


Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •