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Thread: Gf mother died wants a break

  1. #1

    Gf mother died wants a break

    Recently my gf of two years we were pretty damn serious mom just died April 29th... for two months she has been grieving but we were together I did anything and everything I could to help her pain in anyway possible. On July second two days before the 4th we were supposed to go watch fireworks together. However I knew something was wrong so I asked her. She replied back " i love you joe but i need some time away i dont like taking things out on you. You dont deserve that I just need some space to feel happy and be happy again.... she said she still wants to talk to me but I dont know if I should wait for her to initiate or message her once a week telling her I love and miss her. I need advice from other than my family...

  2. #2
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    A death of a close family member can send anyone into a spin. I would give her the space she's asked for and just carry on with your life for now. If she needs and wants you she knows where you are.

    Normally when people want a break they mean a breakup but are too cowardly to say however when it comes after a death this is one of the few times when it does t necessarily mean that. Been there myself.

    She's going through a tough time right now and I think you need to just let her work it outkn her own come what may which also makes things tough for you. I'd use this time to catch up with friends and family etc etc.

    Hope it all works out for you.

  3. #3
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    I would follow ninjabib's advice.

    Grief is such a delicate matter and can turn your whole world upside down. I speak from experience. You might wind up pushing loved ones away because being around anyone and trying to function "normally" is just so painful and difficult. It saps your energy and nothing looks the same. It can take a while to regain a sense of normality.

    I wouldn't assume this one is totally over just yet. She legitimately needs some breathing room to process. I wouldn't make a point of sending her "I miss you" or "I love you"-type messages, as it will likely make her feel pressured to respond in kind when she just doesn't have it in her. Those sorts of messages will come across less as supportive and more as you needing reassurance. You're human, so it's understandable, but now isn't the time for it. You are going to have to decide if you can grit you teeth for a bit here and take your hands off of the situation. She knows you love her. Let her know you are there if she needs you, and give her room to come to you.

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    How was she taking things out on you?

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    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Leave her be for now. Death of a parent can send a child spinning and it can take ages to recover. She knows how to find you if she wants to.

  7. #6
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    In times of grief people generally turn to those who mean the most to them for solace.

    I would wonder why she is stepping away from you and not gravitating towards you?

    When you say you did everything to help her pain , did you ask her how you can help or do what you think you would like if roles reversed?

    Only asking because people deal with grief differently, sometimes our best intentions might not actually be the best outcome for others?

    My advice would be to take a step back and let her reach out to you.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't think you should wait around for her. This doesn't sound healthy for you. I agree with Billie. Unless you are draining her in other ways or the relationship is too demanding, it's natural she needs time to herself. When you say it was pretty damn serious, what do you mean? What other stressors were there? Talk of marriage or buying a place? Also repeating Andrina's question: how did she take things out on you (if there were other instances) and why these choice of words?

    It's likely the relationship was too serious and maybe it took all of her focus and concentration to keep things going with you. It was not a low maintenance or already established relationship on a firm foundation yet (not a source of strength/stability to her).

  9. #8
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    It should pull you guys closer together in a good relationship but she does not love you.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. All you can do is give her space and let her know she can contact you if she needs anything. Then pull back.
    Originally Posted by Joeriordan2
    Recently my gf of two years we were pretty damn serious mom just died April 29th... for two months she has been grieving but we were together I did anything and everything I could to help her pain in anyway possible. On July second two days before the 4th we were supposed to go watch fireworks together. However I knew something was wrong so I asked her. She replied back " i love you joe but i need some time away i dont like taking things out on you. You dont deserve that I just need some space to feel happy and be happy again.... she said she still wants to talk to me but I dont know if I should wait for her to initiate or message her once a week telling her I love and miss her. I need advice from other than my family...

  11. #10
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Having lost a father, been there done that.

    Show respect, give her all the time and space she needs. Back off A LOT. Don't bother her, don't text, email, message, don't leave voicemails and never hound her.

    If there is too much distance in the relationship, you'll have to gingerly broach the topic of asking if this relationship can endure under these bereft circumstances. Be frank and she should let you know if you two should breakup or not. Waiting for her to come around for an unreasonably long timeline usually means your relationship will eventually dissolve, unfortunately. Be realistic and don't be surprised nor shocked should you two drift apart permanently.

    Whenever there is loss of a loved one in an immediate family, your whole LIFE and household are turned upside down. You never bounce right back. It takes YEARS to recover and allow time to heal such excruciatingly painful wounds. It's been a long time since my late father passed away. Even now I have my moments of profound loss. However, it was far worse many years ago.

    I wasn't anywhere near ready for a relationship with my then husband until 3 years following my late father's passing. We married, raised two great sons, I didn't think about my late father much during those years and life is good now.

    Way back in the day, not so much.

    You must remain patient and have compassion. You'll never know unless you walk a mile in her shoes one day. I hope not.

    Those were nightmarish years for me. I had to step up, worked night shift full time, enrolled in college by day, financially supported my widowed mother and younger siblings. It was us against the world. No one helped us either. Fastforward. My mother recently retired, she's riding off into the sunset and successfully raised 3 children all by herself. She is the toughest, strongest woman I had ever known.

    Whenever life is so wonderful and smooth as gravy on all fronts, relationships flourish. There isn't a worry in the world and troubles are light. Then there are other scenarios. Many relationships flounder and fail miserably during upheavals such as major upsets, death, serious ailments, sickness and distressful financial fiascos.

    I wish you all the best. Take one day at a time. You'll have to walk on eggshells for a while. Back off, have compassion and remain understanding. However, one of these days you'll have to take a hint and get the message should she keep you at arm's length for too long.

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