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Post-traumatic stress after breakup ?


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New thread. A few weeks ago I posted about the woman I dated for half a year, who had relapsed into alcohol abuse and became a completely different person. She went from sweet, compassionate girlfriend to almost pure evil, constantly engaging in sarcastic and ironic demeaning comments, pushing me away and pulling me back in, late night phone call rants about what an awful person I am for stating and maintaining my boundaries (told her I was by no means ging to continue this relationship if she did not seek help for her substance abuse, but I did wanted to support her as a friend and maybe help in facilitating her contacts with her previous psychologist/doctor). Also rants about how I probably already had a new girlfriend or should get one, about my lifestyle, about my personality. About my inability to ‘argue’ and how diplomatic I always remain. I was called a selfcentric person who was and will be never there for her, would never be able to maintain any longterm relationship and if I so much as mention any of this to her doctor or counselor, she would ‘literally murder me’.

 

After that no contact for ten days now. Initially I was doing okay, felt kind of numbed and seemed to not experience any emotions regarding the breakup. I did not cry or felt angry or dissapointed or anything for that matter. I did feel fear.

 

Right now I still feel numb, I have been having trouble concentrating and sleeping and have been experiencing vivid dreams that seem to get worse every night. Last night I had the most terrifying nightmare of my ex who transformed into a monster that was chasing me and trying to kill me. I woke up feeling extremely anxious and even a little paranoid and for the second time in my life ever had to take Alprazolam to calm down.

 

As I work in the medical field myself I know these could be symptoms of ptss. Or maybe just symptoms of a bad breakup?

There was never any actual physical trauma, only the threat of ‘if you talk to my doctor I will murder you’, said in a complete rage through a phonecall and of course the weeks of demeaning phonecalls (emotional abuse?) previous to this.

 

I am just wondering if anyone else has experienced this after a breakup!

 

(I of course try to maintain no contact. But we live in the same city and I find myself anxious to even go out - what if we bump in to eachother?)

 

Worth mentioning we are still facebook-connected - but I dread blocking her out of fear for ‘waking the beast’... we are now completely silent with eachother and I fear removing her as a friend or blocking her will cause a new rage.. I can almost literally feel her enormous anger towards me at this moment.. I know her as a very, very resentful person (which was a red flag early on in this relationship, I know).

 

Any tips on how to navigate this?

 

Ps: I have been seing a therapist since 3 years every month, so will of course talk to her about this as well.. but I’m interested in other people’s experiences with this and also a little overwhelmed by this dreams I keep having...

 

Thanks!

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Cut off all contact. You can't possibly get better if you continue to expose yourself to the very person who is causing you pain and distress.

 

"We live in the same city" is an excuse to remain attached to her. Ask yourself why you insist on remaining attached.

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Cut off all contact. You can't possibly get better if you continue to expose yourself to the very person who is causing you pain and distress.

 

"We live in the same city" is an excuse to remain attached to her. Ask yourself why you insist on remaining attached.

 

By no means do I want to keep attached to her, but I don’t know how to proceed in the cutting off - do I do it without explanation? Do I block? What if we run into eachother on the streets, do I ignore?

 

I really, really fear for her reaction - I am afraid if I proceed the wrong way I will ignite a new rage..

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By no means do I want to keep attached to her, but I don’t know how to proceed in the cutting off - do I do it without explanation? Do I block? What if we run into eachother on the streets, do I ignore?

 

I really, really fear for her reaction - I am afraid if I proceed the wrong way I will ignite a new rage..

 

How frequently do you run into her on the streets?

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Waking the beast?

 

Come on!

 

IF shes that bad, you should have no issue running in the other direction.

 

Your time would be much better spent figuring out why you stayed with someone so horrible and stop cocooning yourself in victimhood

 

ETA: Arent you the therapist, who couldnt get your ex out of your mind like a year ago? So you got back together?

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Waking the beast?

 

Come on!

 

IF shes that bad, you should have no issue running in the other direction.

 

Your time would be much better spent figuring out why you stayed with someone so horrible and stop cocooning yourself in victimhood

 

ETA: Arent you the therapist, who couldnt get your ex out of your mind like a year ago? So you got back together?

 

Off topic: doesn’t sound like me.. The one relationship I struggled to let go was five years ago and after that I only had three rather short relationships.. and never got back together with any ex..

 

I also am not a therapist but a medical doctor working in the psychiatric field.

 

I did however always seemed to fall for individuals with borderline personality disorderder.. and frequently visited the forum to reflect about these breakups.

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Off topic: doesn’t sound like me.. The one relationship I struggled to let go was five years ago and after that I only had three rather short relationships.. and never got back together with any ex..

 

I also am not a therapist but a medical doctor working in the psychiatric field.

 

I did however always seemed to fall for individuals with borderline personality disorderder.. and frequently visited the forum to reflect about these breakups.

 

So with your education background....who needs to do some changing given this person keeps getting into relationships with people with BPD?

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So with your education background....who needs to do some changing given this person keeps getting into relationships with people with BPD?

 

That would obviously be me, thanks for pointing this out.. (I have however been in therapy myself for three years now and making progress in creating and maintaining boundaries, but am not quite there yet)

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How frequently do you run into her on the streets?

 

Often enough that it is a legitimate concern? Like, every week? Every day? Do you live within a few minutes walking distance of one another?

 

Yes we live within five minutes from eachother. I can ofcourse avoid the city altogether and do my groceries in a different city, but that would feel like avoidance?

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Yes we live within five minutes from eachother. I can ofcourse avoid the city altogether and do my groceries in a different city, but that would feel like avoidance?

 

Whats wrong with avoidance? Its not always a bad thing

 

Do you truly believe she would harm you if you unfriended her on Facebook?

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I did however always seemed to fall for individuals with borderline personality disorder.

 

This, I think, is the thing to be focused on.

 

All this other stuff, the dreams, the anxiety, the doomsday scenarios of 'waking the beast' by unfriending on Facebook? Well, I think those are things your mind is creating to not focus on the big stuff: you. I think you'd rather tell yourself that you "have" to stay friends on Facebook than to explore how that very construct is the product of some frayed seams and wiring that really have nothing do with with this woman.

 

It seems you are very, very attracted to psychodrama. No doubt that got you into this, kept you in it for six months, and now that it's over? Well, your imagination is filling the void with drama so you can continue to play the role you are "comfortable" playing—savior, martyr, saint, victim. Being that this isn't your first rodeo of this sort, you could say your mind is "keeping you warm" until you can find the next girlfriend/patient/destroyer.

 

Basically, I think you're giving this person far more power than she actually has, and ascribing far more "danger" to her than she actually wields. Unfriend her, block her, grocery shop. Odds are you'll hear nothing. Maybe an uncomfortable exchange in the vegetable aisle, a rogue email that gets through. Don't give it power. Walk on. These sorts of people need fuel for their fires. Refuse to be the fuel and they move elsewhere—and pretty fast.

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Whats wrong with avoidance? Its not always a bad thing

 

Do you truly believe she would harm you if you unfriended her on Facebook?

 

I know she feels deeply hurt by any perceived rejection and is a very resentful person. She has in the past attacked people when she was under the influence of alcohol or drugs, I don’t think she ever physically hurt someone in a sober state.

 

I know anger and resentment is a natural part of any breakup, but this is a person who has stalked exes in the past and bombarded them with raging phonecalls..

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But how frequently do you actually run into her?

 

Up to now I have avoided going out and have not run into her. Before, we met around three times a week and when we didn’t meet, I was working, so never ran into her except for once..

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Serious question Lucha.

 

Given your mental state from the previous breakup, what made you decide to enter into another relationship without facing and solving your issues with codependency.

 

The fact that you keep attracting these horrific people...dont you think a break to focus on you is in order?

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You're supposed to be helping people, Lucha, not adding to your own problems so you can't help people very well.

 

Try looking at things more on a long term basis and how they affect you in the long term. I'm an accountant and if I listened to everyone's problems we'd mostly only be dealing with immediate problems right in front of us instead of looking at the big picture and how it affects the bottomline or the business and its long term health. I'm urging you to please look at your life long term and try not to associate with individuals who negatively impact you. Continue seeing your therapist or receive the help you need (there is no shame in this). But you should be real with yourself and recognize you're not doing anyone any good not being ok yourself.

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This, I think, is the thing to be focused on.

 

All this other stuff, the dreams, the anxiety, the doomsday scenarios of 'waking the beast' by unfriending on Facebook? Well, I think those are things your mind is creating to not focus on the big stuff: you. I think you'd rather tell yourself that you "have" to stay friends on Facebook than to explore how that very construct is the product of some frayed seams and wiring that really have nothing do with with this woman.

 

It seems you are very, very attracted to psychodrama. No doubt that got you into this, kept you in it for six months, and now that it's over? Well, your imagination is filling the void with drama so you can continue to play the role you are "comfortable" playing—savior, martyr, saint, victim. Being that this isn't your first rodeo of this sort, you could say your mind is "keeping you warm" until you can find the next girlfriend/patient/destroyer.

 

Basically, I think you're giving this person far more power than she actually has, and ascribing far more "danger" to her than she actually wields. Unfriend her, block her, grocery shop. Odds are you'll hear nothing. Maybe an uncomfortable exchange in the vegetable aisle, a rogue email that gets through. Don't give it power. Walk on. These sorts of people need fuel for their fires. Refuse to be the fuel and they move elsewhere—and pretty fast.

 

Apparently I do this, martyr or victim thing - given the amount of relationships of this sort I have been in. I can only say that the first few months with this woman were nothing like what it is now, there were however some red flags I apparently chose to ignore..

 

I’ll certainly discuss this further with my therapist, why I keep getting in this kind of relationships.. she has previously said I seem to lack self confidence in ‘knowing’ what is bad for me and trusting my intuition, but I’m making progress.

 

I want to stress I do not feel like a saint, for I had my fair share of mistakes in this relationship and not like a victim either, I see this as a relationship that simply did not work out but I do experience a lot of stress about how this breakup went.

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This is a person you call the cops on.

 

Um, why?

 

This is a person, per the last thread, who got back into drinking, started running a bit mean but mainly just cold. That's pretty pedestrian in the scheme of "evil" people. This person has never been violent, and has only engaged when Lucha opens up the door to engagement. For ten days this person has done...nothing.

 

The person the cops get called on is the person in Lucha's imagination. Should this woman become that person—showing up unannounced, slashing tires at the grocery store, throwing bricks through windows, turning into an evil monster if unfriended on Facebook—then the cops can get involved.

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Serious question Lucha.

 

Given your mental state from the previous breakup, what made you decide to enter into another relationship without facing and solving your issues with codependency.

 

The fact that you keep attracting these horrific people...dont you think a break to focus on you is in order?

 

 

Sure.. in these past five years I have only been in 3 relationships which lasted 5, 6 and now 6 months respectivly.. I haven’t dated in between.. so I’ve had periods of being single for around 1,5 year in between.

 

Apparently a longer break would be beneficial..

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Um, why?

 

This is a person, per the last thread, who got back into drinking, started running a bit mean but mainly just cold. That's pretty pedestrian in the scheme of "evil" people. This person has never been violent, and has only engaged when Lucha opens up the door to engagement. For ten days this person has done...nothing.

 

The person the cops get called on is the person in Lucha's imagination. Should this woman become that person—showing up unannounced, slashing tires at the grocery store, throwing bricks through windows, turning into an evil monster if unfriended on Facebook—then the cops can get involved.

If she gets to that level of nuts yes. However ,I have had a stalker like that who slashed tires ,called all hours of the day and night ,got our unpublished phone numbers ,tried to kidnap me from school and tried to run over my dad . I have no patience for any of this crap .

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You can choose to remain attached to someone you shouldn't because of "what if". It gives you "permission" to continue to interact. Because, in all honesty, you don't want to detach. You still "hope".

 

So you use "what if" as your excuse.

 

I doubt you truly think any of these things will actually happen, but it sure allows you to keep interacting with her.

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You're supposed to be helping people, Lucha, not adding to your own problems so you can't help people very well.

 

Try looking at things more on a long term basis and how they affect you in the long term. I'm an accountant and if I listened to everyone's problems we'd mostly only be dealing with immediate problems right in front of us instead of looking at the big picture and how it affects the bottomline or the business and its long term health. I'm urging you to please look at your life long term and try not to associate with individuals who negatively impact you. Continue seeing your therapist or receive the help you need (there is no shame in this). But you should be real with yourself and recognize you're not doing anyone any good not being ok yourself.

 

That is very true. I want to stress I keep seeing my own therapist but also keep maintaining self-care and working, and had not had any negative comments on my work upto now.

But you are absolutely right on not being able to help people well when not feeling okay myself. If this nightmares continue I will take some weeks off to get back on my feet..

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