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Hello

 

It is a long story and I will try to keep it brief.

 

I brought up three children as a single parent when my marriage broke down many years ago. My parents (living a half a mile down the road from me) were absolutely brilliant and a great support, both of them.

 

Gradually, one by one, my children left home and they are now all settled. I believe that they turned out so well because they had a lot of input from my parents.

 

I was in a relatively happy relationship - although we did not live together and we both spent a lot of time with my parents and my children. It was a happy time.

 

Sadly my father passed away at 88 after 3 months battling cancer in 2012 and, being close geographically, supporting my parents fell to me. I spent a lot of time with Dad in A&E (twice) which I was happy to do. I supported Mum helping Dad as much as I could. When Dad died my mother moved next door to me being 87 at the time. Mum has always been fit and active so my man friend and me spent a lot of time with Mum. We went on weekends together, holidays, she would have dinner with us every week and this went on until my relationship ended in 2016 (I wanted to get married - he didn't sadly). I was 60 at the time.

 

This tipped me into depression as I had wrapped my life around this man as well as Mum as I felt owed her alot for all she had done for me. I had no friends, my children had left home, I didn't have a job so life seemed empty.

 

It was around 2015 that Mum showed signs of confusion and poor memory. She was 90 but still coped well. I did my best to support her but I was struggling myself.

 

I have a sibling who lives many miles away who worked full time up to about three years ago so wasn't available much to help either me or Mum.

 

I felt I needed to be with other people and a new direction to get me out of depression so I started a course in Health and Wellness. In 2017 and my business was born. I love what I do and get a real buzz out of helping other people.

 

Mum was starting to deteriorate and went for an MRI scan and she was diagnosed with mild dementia in 2015. As I was working long hours I tried to persuade Mum to have some care, support or help but she refused. My sibling had retired by this time but still only came to see us every few months.

 

From 2015 to now Mum's deterioration has been a slow descent and it has been very painful to see but still she refuses outside care and there is little that I can do for her as I work very long hours, have my own home to run and I live on my own.

 

As my business grew I built a studio in my garden for classes and it has been very successful. I run classes as well so life is busy and it is very rewarding.

 

Mum now cannot walk very far and needs physical support. She has failing eyesight, very deaf and frail.

 

Trouble is, being next door, I am considered available for all sorts of things - which I have been happy to do but now that I am very busy with my job I am finding it difficult to be available. Mum does not got to her hospital appointments for her eyes because she only wants me or my sibling to take her. I order her food for her every month and my sibling runs her home from his home miles away.

 

I am always getting phone calls from Mum or my sibling asking me to 'pop in' and do this or 'check that' or phone calls from Mum asking if I have rung her. I have now started ignoring the phone. Still Mum refuses any help outside help. If anything goes wrong Mum is incapable of sorting it out and expects me to drop everything and go to her home and sort it out...lights fused, water leak, mice in the kitchen, find her handbag...

 

I have made it clear to my family that I don't have the bandwith to support Mum but I just get ignored.

 

Mum's Health Care Provider has diagnosed that Mum is well and has sufficient mental capacity to carry on as she is for the time being. Social Care will step in if there is a crisis but in the meantime, nothing can be done.

 

This year Mum has started leaving her home and going out onto the busy road in front of her house. Sometimes she is looking for my Dad having forgotten that he was not with us now, sometimes she is looking for people I don't know. This has happened several times and passersby and motorists have always brought her back to my house (because Mum forgets her address) which is getting to be stressful for me as I run my business with clients coming to my studio.

 

I spoken to my sibling but he says that nothing can be done until there is a crisis. We both are attorneys but cannot be involved in Mum's health affairs because of the diagnosis of capacity.

 

Social Care have suggested that, as Mum always relies so heavily on me as an unpaid carer (not my choice and I have made it clear that has not been my role) they have suggested that I move away as the ultimate solution which means that my business will fold.

 

Mum is now in her 94th year and is relatively fit and healthy and could go on for years yet.

 

Meanwhile, I am getting strangers turning up at my house with Mum in tow (usually dishevelled because she's fallen over in the road, confused and upset) who park Mum with me and I am left to pick up the pieces.

 

I guess I have to make the choice of trying to run my home and keep my business as well as being the 'fall guy' for mum or move away and start again. Neither choice is good. It would be hard to start over again at 64.

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Can you get power of attorney over her? That way, you could make decisions on her behalf, and she'd have no choice but to move into an assisted living facility.

 

You said you're an attorney yourself? You probably understand the legalities more than I do, but no, you should not have to be her caregiver, nor should you have to worry, 24/7, if she's going to fall or do worse damage.

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People usually don't want to go to nursing homes or assisted living facilities, but once there, many of them enjoy being able to enjoy the company of their peers. I just flew to my birthplace state to visit my aunt who is 90. She talks about sharing books with another man who likes to read mysteries like she does. When I was in her room, a female friend who lives there was calling her, and when I was leaving, my aunt was heading to her friend's room to hang out with her.

 

Perhaps your mother just wants company when she calls for some of those favors she's asking.

 

When my grandmother and uncle suffered from Alzheimer's, they had to be placed in facilities for their own safety. Your mother would probably benefit from the same, since one day there might not be anybody that sees her wander away and the results will be far worse than they have been. She doesn't possess her full faculties, so it's up to you and your family to make the right decisions for her, even if she is temporarily upset about the change in lifestyle.

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Your mother's safety takes top priority. Since you're unavailable for her due to your work, do what you have to do. It is indeed difficult choices. However, do what makes most sense for your mother and you. Don't allow others to guilt trip you either. She is not your sole responsibility just because she lives near you.

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Are you her power of attorney? You need to redirect her funds to some sort of nurse/attendant/aide etc. and seriously consider a nursing facility. There's no need to save her money for old age because she's there and needs it.

 

Someone needs to manage her affairs legally and financially a lot better and spend her finances on whatever is in her best interest. It's hard to believe doctors or social services would say she's fine after repeated incidents of wandering. An elderly person living alone unattended without help running into the street repeatedly is a disgrace. Particularly if she owns her home, has a pension, etc.

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Thank you for your replies.

 

The situation is that because my mother has been diagnosed with capacity to make her own decisions she can decide to refuse care. She owns her own home and has more enough money for her own care but she thinks that she doesn't need it. However, when things go wrong Mum's first thought is to ask me. She thinks she's okay mentally but she is not. That's the downside of Alzheimers. I have made clear to my sibling and my mother that I cannot be available like I used to be. The big problem now is that my mother has started wandering and is a danger to herself and others because she keeps falling in the road and passing motorists pick her up. She can't remember her address but points vaguely at my house and she ends up at my place, or a neighbour will call me on my business phone telling me to come and get my mother. It has happened a few times. So no I cannot make mum go into a home, or have carers in her house because legally she can refuse. I am not an attorney I have Power of Attorney with my sibling to help mum with her finances. Apparently, this is more common that you'd think. Elderly people who are considered mentally capable can make (good or bad) decisions about their life and this has to be accepted by their families. The issue I'm dealing with my mother's habit of wandering and, because I live next door I am the first place she is brought back to. It is a very sad situation and I wish it didn't have to be like this. When my mother has one of her wanderings she ends up looking all upset and I take her back home, make her a cup of tea and leave her in front of the TV and it's like its never happened. It is the Alzheimers. Thank you all for replying. It's helped sharing it.

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Who declared your mother has the capacity to make her own decisions? Was the person who made that decision aware that she wanders out of the house and onto a busy street and has fallen and had strangers bringing her home?

 

Nobody in his right mind could declare that she is mentally competent.

 

It would be a shame if you had to wait until she gets hurt in order to get care for her.

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Thank you for your reply.

 

I had to really push to get my mother's GP involved because mum refuses to go to see her doctor.

 

In the end the surgery sent a paramedic or made a judgement that, at that moment, he thought mum had capacity.

 

The paramedic then reported to social care who then told me that everything was 'fine'

 

Because I don't have a Health and Welfare Lasting Power of Attorney where I could make decisions about our mother's care this means that mum's health provider has to make that decision.

 

It has been left that if mum has a fall or there is crisis then social care will become involved.

 

When mum had her last wander this week and a motorist had to bring her back to my house I spoke to social care about it. They explained that if my mother fancied going for a walk, has a fall but is okay then that is nothing worry about.

 

I explained to them that this was impacting on my life and they suggested that I move.

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My aunty is in the same boat, brittle bones from osteoporosis, 30% lung capacity thanks to emphysema, a fiercely independent woman her entire life she’s now forced to lean on others, before I left the state for work I was going around once a fortnight to do housework and walk her dog but that’s a fraction of the work that needs doing. And she refuses outside help too, she’s attached to the romantic notion that your family step up for you at the end. As she did for her father when he was fading. my dad goes twice a week, her sister goes daily. Then her lung collapsed several times and now she’s living with her sister and my dad visits and takes her to see her house. And I took this job because it was a once in a life time opportunity but I dont know if she’ll be there to go back to. Do what feels right to you but if you can delegate some of the work of your business maybe that’s another possibility. Even if your mum hangs in for a good few more years, when she’s dead, she’ll be gone. And when that time comes do you have regrets

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I'm sorry you're going through this. I was following this story but wasn't sure there was anything to do on your end. I think what might benefit you is finding a help/support group for friends and family coping with a loved one with Alzheimer's. I have not experienced it personally in our family but know from others that it is a devastating illness and very painful for the loved ones caring for those suffering with Alzheimer's.

 

Is it possible for you to take a time out (maybe once a week for an hour) and seek a support group in your area/community? It might alleviate the feeling of being so alone with all that weight on your shoulders and you can be free and open about sharing your fears with others who are experienced with the illness and being a caregiver. I feel this might also release some of that resentment building up inside you. Feeling alone can do that (isolation in your position). I feel like as a group you might all have better access to more resources too (for example, more heads put together and more knowledge shared amongst you through word of mouth).

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I don't have knowledge about your country's medical laws, but if I were you, I'd get statements from the neighbors about what happened the day they found her and that she fell in the road and didn't know her address. I'd maybe force the issue if that's necessary and tell them to call an ambulance if it happens in the future if that would be the proof of crisis the authorities speak of. If she can't remember her address, she might one day not be able to remember that she has something cooking on the stove. Get her the appointment she needs with the appropriate doctor and bring all of the neighbors' documentation, and/or do the same to become the legal guardian of a mentally incapacitated person.

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A paramedic can override what her own doctor says?

 

I made an appointment with my mother's doctor (without her there) and spoke to him about my concerns. He could not reveal anything to me (privacy laws) but he did agree to complete and file paperwork to get her some help.

 

Can you try this?

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A paramedic can override what her own doctor says?

 

I made an appointment with my mother's doctor (without her there) and spoke to him about my concerns. He could not reveal anything to me (privacy laws) but he did agree to complete and file paperwork to get her some help.

 

Can you try this?

 

I'd try this among several other things. First, I'd start making preemptive vistits to Mom rather than having her call me. This will enable her to become accustomed to you showing up of your own accord rather than her needing to call you. This alone might curb some of the more ridiculous calls, as these may be her creative way of getting your attention and company--so if you start showing up on your own, and regularly, you'll change this dynamic.

 

I'd speak with her doc and ask if he'd do an in-home visit with Mom to assess her. If so, I'd set up the visit for one of my preemptive visits. Then I'd show up with the doc in tow.

 

If doc won't do this, I'd ask him for a referral to someone he trusts to make the assessment, then I'd schedule a time with them. Then I'd show with that person in tow.

 

Meanwhile, until I can get Mom correctly assessed, I'd schedule an in-home care aid to make one of my preemptive visits with me--in plain clothes--as my FRIEND. I'd introduce them and go about tending to what I've promised. After they chat for a bit, I'd take friend with me as I say goodbye to Mom. Later, I'd phone Mom to talk about my friend being in dire financial straights. I'd tell her that I'm hiring friend to do some work around my house, and I'd ask her whether she might have anything I could offer to pay my friend to do for her so we can both help my friend out financially.

 

If that doesn't work, I'd keep paying 'friend' to come for certain events, such as joining my Mom and me for lunch, or whatever. The familiarity may help to bridge the gap in allowing someone else to start helping Mom.

 

Meanwhile, I'd also consider hiring your OWN help in running your business and your household, as this can free up more time for you to spend helping Mom. Get creative about what you can delegate to others, such as getting your groceries delivered, you laundry and cleaning and other household stuff done by someone else so you can shift your focus onto Mom's household without a void in your own.

 

As for the wandering incidents: I'd phone the police to write up every. single. one. Whoever drops Mom off becomes a witness to her confusion, and it gets documented in a police report. Every. Single. Time. You'll have written evidence, and I'd start working those through the system until everyone gets tired enough of processing the repeated reports to DO something for your Mom.

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Hello there

 

Thank you for your response and that is a great idea.

 

I went to see my mother yesterday and tried to explain the effect it was having on me and she grew very defensive and came back with her 'stock' answers..'I am no bother to you', 'I don't bother you', 'I wish I'd had my mother near me but I've not been that lucky', 'you are lucky to have me next door to help you (!)', 'you are being over dramatic', 'you are being silly'

 

Because of Mum's memory problems I had to keep explaining over and over again how much this was effecting me and I did end up in tears with the stress of it all. This didn't seem to matter to Mum, she just kept down playing the effect it was having on me.

 

Not deterred I soldiered on trying to set some boundaries (this is first time that I have really pushed back in years) and, in the end Mum agreed that she did rely on me too much but just could not avoid telling me that I will inherit a lot of money when she dies (guilting me again).

 

Alzheimer's disease does take away the sufferer's empathy and that is the hardest thing to deal with.

 

After a long discussion Mum did accept that she could not go out alone anymore but said that her home would be prison but would get taxis in future.

 

It was not an easy conversation and I may have to keep reminding her that I do have another life.

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Thank you for your replies they have been really helpful.

 

I have made an appointment with the doctor's surgery to see my GP (it is a group surgery so they rotate) this week to make some headway. You are right it is not up to a paramedic to decide capacity.

 

If there is any more incidents I have printed letters to give to anyone and everyone who turns up with Mum when she's lost - explaining about Mum and to call the Police and I will take a signed statement and photos as proof.

 

I have brought a lock for my gate with a padlock because the last time the person just walked in through the gate to my front door!

 

I have given letters to all the neighbours explaining the problem and asking them to call Police/ambulance.

 

I am giving some thought about the hired help/friendship idea but I don't have the money for this. The only way I could do this is to ask my sibling (who handles mum's finances) but I know he would say that I would have to speak to mum first....

 

I will keep a note of all incidents as proof.

 

Thank you again for your advice.

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Thank you for that advice, it's really helped alot.

 

I have put most of the things that you have suggested in motion.

 

About the hired help idea which is brilliant. I would have to pay for the hired help myself which I can't really afford because I rely on the income from my business to pay the bills to run my home. I do have Power of Attorney over Mum's finances - in tandem with my sibling - he runs the finances. I know that if I ask him for funds from mum's account to hire help he will say that I need to speak to mum first before the funds are released.

 

Is there any way I can get around that?

 

I had considered asking Mum for a loan (I dunno - repairs to house) and use the money for hired help that way. The problem that my sibling and I come up against is that Mum always offers to lend money but when reminded she forgets. Again, lack of mental capacity...a 'sticky' area. From an Power of Attorney's point of view is dangerous. That's why this capacity issue is a minefield.

 

If I could get Mum to agree to a loan I suppose the only way is for her to sign the agreement in front of my brother and release funds that way? I suppose then it doesn't matter what I do with the loan after that?

 

I would use my own money but all spare income is tied up in the business.

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Do you have Adult Protective Services in your area? In the US, adult children having power of attorney and access to someone's finances, yet allowing this type of thing would be investigated for elder neglect and elder financial exploitation.

 

What are your siblings doing with her money? Why is no one hiring appropriate care or paying for an elder facility? Power of attorney means making all the executive decisions legally and financially including using the seniors resoures for their own care/best interest.

 

 

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/elder-abuse-and-neglect.htm

 

The big problem now is that my mother has started wandering and is a danger to herself and others because she keeps falling in the road and passing motorists pick her up. She can't remember her address

I have Power of Attorney with my sibling

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