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Thread: difficult choices

  1. #31
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    I take your point 'abitbroken' Perhaps I have not made it clear about what I have done and still do for my mother. I try to go and see her every Sunday afternoon or have her to dinner on occasional saturdays. On average I usually see her once a week or a fortnight. B

    If mom lives NEXT DOOR to you, you "try" and see her every Sunday afternoon or the occasional Saturday -- Really? If my mother or grandmother lived next door to me, even if she was well and lived an extremely social life, I would see her way more than once a week. If she was unwell, i would be popping in every single day. If she really needed help, i would be checking on her twice a day. If you live next door to her, how are you so busy that you cannot or will not do that?

    You helped when dad had no other options - mom is the same - so scale back your "wellness" business or block out some time in that schedule of appointments to pop in for a few minutes every day. I get being self employed - but that means you are also in charge of your own schedule.

  2. #32
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    Trouble is, being next door, I am considered available for all sorts of things - which I have been happy to do but now that I am very busy with my job I am finding it difficult to be available. Mum does not got to her hospital appointments for her eyes because she only wants me or my sibling to take her.

    You SHOULD be taking her. You block out time in your schedule and you take her. You live next door. I understand not being able to tolerate interruptions, but most of her doctor's appointments can certainly be scheduled in advance so that you can schedule your wellness appointments around them. If she goes to the doc's twice a week, every week, you can certainly block out that time. If you moved mom next door, why is driving her to a doctor appointment so bad? That way you can also be privvy to what they are saying as her next of kin,

    Are you trying to model for your kids that they should treat you as a bother when you are in your 90s and start to fail? Appreciate the things about your family or etc that mom can tell you about now before she starts to forget or passes away.

  3. #33
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    I take your point 'abitbroken' Perhaps I have not made it clear about what I have done and still do for my mother. I try to go and see her every Sunday afternoon or have her to dinner on occasional saturdays. On average I usually see her once a week or a fortnight. B

    If mom lives NEXT DOOR to you, you "try" and see her every Sunday afternoon or the occasional Saturday -- Really? If my mother or grandmother lived next door to me, even if she was well and lived an extremely social life, I would see her way more than once a week. If she was unwell, i would be popping in every single day. If she really needed help, i would be checking on her twice a day. If you live next door to her, how are you so busy that you cannot or will not do that?

    You helped when dad had no other options - mom is the same - so scale back your "wellness" business or block out some time in that schedule of appointments to pop in for a few minutes every day. I get being self employed - but that means you are also in charge of your own schedule.
    'Abitbroken' thank you for your thoughts but I think it is really up to me as to how often I see my mother. That is not the issue. I think if you took the trouble to read my original post you will see that I came to this forum because my mother will not go to see a GP to get herself diagnosed because she has Alzheimers. The last time she had any tests was in 2015 when mild dementia was diagnosed. She has got steadily worse and has refused any outside care. If you have spent any time with someone who has Alzheimers you would understand just how difficult it is - the middle stages of this dreadful disease are the worse - I know because I have spent a lot of time with my mum, more than anyone. Mum should really be accepting some sort of professional care because she has started hallucinating about going to see friends, my late father and has taken to walking around a busy road, falling and passing motorists are bringing her back to my house or neighbours because they are worried -as both my sibling and I are. I am trying to find ways for the authorities to accept that my mother is a danger to herself and others. It would not make any difference if I had breadkfast with mum, saw her every day, twice a day, this would not prevent her suddenly deciding to wander off and get knocked over, have a fall, it would be awful. This is a very stressful situation and because I am close both physically and emotionally it is very upsetting to see my mother looking upset, dirty, dishevelled and lost because she cannot find her way back home because she forgets her address. Mum will not accept any outside professional help because she thinks there is nothing wrong with her - a facet of the disease. The issue is not company for Mum - going see her every day as you have suggested - the sad thing is if I did that she would forget anyway...I often call in to see her and find her in bed asleep and I leave cake for her. I tell her that i have been to see her and did she like the cake but she doesn't remember. She forgets that she has had dinner with me, that my sibling has been to see her...she cannot remember what she has had for breakfast - let alone who she has seen! Thats the painful downside of Alzheimers. I think if you had any time with someone with Alzheimers, elderly, frail, poor eyesight you would understand just sad and painful it is to see, heartbreaking. I really don't think it is for you to tell me how often I should see my parent. I was asking for advice about how to get support for my mother who, because of elderly dementia, has started wandering and is being a danger to herself and others and I don't think suggesting that I should see her twice a day would prevent that happening.

  4. #34
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    Arbitbroken thank you for your thoughts. My mother has had it written on her doctor's notes and the Hospital that she does not want her daughter to have access to her medical records. When Mum first became confused and forgetful I spent a lot of time trying to persuade her to see her doctor. I made appointments, arranged to come and collect her to take her but she would refuse to go. Not deterred, I went to see my own doctor (part of the same practice) to say that I was worried about my mum but they said that there is nothing they can do unless Mum agrees to go to the doctor herself. I kept contacting the doctor, spoke to the doctor regularly but all they would say is that there is nothing they can do. In end, after a lot of persuasion from the doctor speaking to mum on the phone Mum agreed to go for an MRI scan and memory test. Mum did not tell me that she was going for the test and agreed to go in ambulance. I don't know the results of the memory tests because of privacy but the GP told me mild dementia. When it came for the MRI scan mum agreed for me to take her. I was told, in no uncertain terms, that I was to wait in outside whilst she went in. I waited for two hours. Mum did not tell me about the scan and I took her home. That was the last time she had any tests in 2015. I have pleaded with mum to see her GP for blood tests but she refuses. It was incredibly hurtful to be told by Mum's GP (after all that I'd done to push for a diagnosis) that she did not want her daughter to be told anything. Then Mum's glaucoma started and this meant visits to the Hospital to see the consultant. This involves often a wait of three hours and I have been very happy to do it. However, Mum had made it very clear that she did not want me to come in with her to see the Consultant and that I am to wait outside - this hurt me very much. I just felt like a taxi driver but I accepted and respected Mum's wishes. The next appointment for Mum was when I was on holiday and my sibling and his wife agreed to take Mum. It's a long journey (100 miles) for them, three hour wait and then going home. I was hurt even more when Mum invited my sister-in-law to come in with her to see the Consultant when on the last 5 occasions I have been told to stay outside. I was very hurt by this and refused to have any more involvement in hospital appointments if all I am is a transport service. Mum does not go to see her doctor.

    I did not 'move my mother' next door to me Abitbroken. My mother is not the sort of person who will move anywhere for anyone, unless that is what she wants to do . Any advice or help that I offer has always been turned down. My mum prefers to go to my sibling for advice on serious matters. My mother moved from her large house when my father died because it was too big for her to look after on her own and she refused to have hired help. She discussed this with my sibling and decided to sell. She handled the sale, arranged removals with my sibling...The house next door to me came on the market and Mum decided she would like to buy it. This was all discussed with my sibling. I was asked if it was okay for mum to move next door me I agree happily. So no 'I did not move my mother next door to me' it was her decision and I just went along with it. Abibroken, I have spent many, many hours with my mother over the past 5 years - going on holidays together (which I have arranged, driven, organised), weekends away, shopping trips...you name it, I have done it! I think I have been a great role model to my children because they have always seen me as their grandmother's carer and support. However, they have all left home to live their lives and rarely come to see their grandmother. Of all of my family, I am the one that has done the most for her. I have helped her with her garden, visited her every week, welcomed her when she has called in to see me, whenever it was, ready with tea and biscuits. She used to come regularly for dinner - every week - she spent Christmas day with me, she had dinner with me recently. As I said, I am doing for my mum than anyone else. I do enjoy my job, I get to meet people. It is a commitment which I am happy to do because I live on my own with few friends and no partner or entertainment. If I do something I have do it on my own there are no friends for me. I have suggested to Mum that she come on holiday with me, weekend away, walk along the beach but it is difficult because she cannot walk very far. I have asked if she would consider a wheelchair so that we can do more together - other than just sitting talking about the same old things (another aspect of Alzheimers) but she refuses because she is worried about 'what people might think' of her being pushed in the wheelchair. Mum doesn't think oh that's great that my daughter still wants to take me on holiday, weekend away, walk along the beach, go to cafe for fish and chips (all of the things that I have suggested recently) she just worries about her image!

    It's unfortunate that my sibling and his wife don't come and see mum more or invite her to stay their house but they only come every few months, that's the way it is. Mum's day to day welfare, entertainment and social life has largely fallen to me. So I believe I have been a great role model and I certainly would not expect them to worry about me if I should be lucky enough to live to my 90s. I accept my life on my own and do the best I can for my family and me.

    I think Abitbroken you have gone off topic and focussed on a side issue of Mum's hospital appointments, doctors and general welfare and entertainment.

    The original post was about Mum's now middle stage Alzheimer's causing her to start hallucinating and being dellusional. She has started searching for my dad and friends - a facet of the disease. We live by a very busy road and I am very concerned that, as she has started falling in the road and people are having to stop, pick up and bring her back to me, she is becoming a danger to herself and others. The fact that she shuts me out of her medical and health care means that I cannot help her. She has not agreed to a Health and Welfare Power of Attorney which means that we cannot use her money to get paid professional care who are specialists in dealing dementia sufferers. She has not agreed for me to have access to her medical records nor can I speak to her doctor. We are stuck in this situation which is now getting very dangerous, stressful and worrying.

    Thank you for your suggestions, advice and help.

    I will leave it there.

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  6. #35
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    Not sure what your business involves, but if itís social, consider ways you can involve mom. Including her as your company ambassador or hostess might be helpful to all involved.

  7. #36
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    Who provides her daily care in terms of food, grooming, housekeeping, etc? Why can't you hire someone even if you told your mother it's a housekeeper or companion? It seems you have "constant emergencies" interrupting you because no one has put appropriate care in place. You blame your brother, he dumps her on you. If as you claim everyone else has the healthcare proxy/access to medical info why won't they inform you if you are involved in her care? Does she have advanced directives? A living will? A will? A healthcare proxy? Why aren't these documents in place? You don't need to see an MRI report.
    Originally Posted by unpaidcarer
    the GP told me mild dementia.

  8. #37
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    Originally Posted by unpaidcarer
    Arbitbroken thank you for your thoughts. My mother has had it written on her doctor's notes and the Hospital that she does not want her daughter to have access to her medical records. When Mum first became confused and forgetful I spent a lot of time trying to persuade her to see her doctor. I made appointments, arranged to come and collect her to take her but she would refuse to go. Not deterred, I went to see my own doctor (part of the same practice) to say that I was worried about my mum but they said that there is nothing they can do unless Mum agrees to go to the doctor herself. I kept contacting the doctor, spoke to the doctor regularly but all they would say is that there is nothing they can do. In end, after a lot of persuasion from the doctor speaking to mum on the phone Mum agreed to go for an MRI scan and memory test. Mum did not tell me that she was going for the test and agreed to go in ambulance. I don't know the results of the memory tests because of privacy but the GP told me mild dementia. When it came for the MRI scan mum agreed for me to take her. I was told, in no uncertain terms, that I was to wait in outside whilst she went in. I waited for two hours. Mum did not tell me about the scan and I took her home. That was the last time she had any tests in 2015. I have pleaded with mum to see her GP for blood tests but she refuses. It was incredibly hurtful to be told by Mum's GP (after all that I'd done to push for a diagnosis) that she did not want her daughter to be told anything. Then Mum's glaucoma started and this meant visits to the Hospital to see the consultant. This involves often a wait of three hours and I have been very happy to do it. However, Mum had made it very clear that she did not want me to come in with her to see the Consultant and that I am to wait outside - this hurt me very much. I just felt like a taxi driver but I accepted and respected Mum's wishes. The next appointment for Mum was when I was on holiday and my sibling and his wife agreed to take Mum. It's a long journey (100 miles) for them, three hour wait and then going home. I was hurt even more when Mum invited my sister-in-law to come in with her to see the Consultant when on the last 5 occasions I have been told to stay outside. I was very hurt by this and refused to have any more involvement in hospital appointments if all I am is a transport service. Mum does not go to see her doctor.

    I did not 'move my mother' next door to me Abitbroken. My mother is not the sort of person who will move anywhere for anyone, unless that is what she wants to do . Any advice or help that I offer has always been turned down. My mum prefers to go to my sibling for advice on serious matters. My mother moved from her large house when my father died because it was too big for her to look after on her own and she refused to have hired help. She discussed this with my sibling and decided to sell. She handled the sale, arranged removals with my sibling...The house next door to me came on the market and Mum decided she would like to buy it. This was all discussed with my sibling. I was asked if it was okay for mum to move next door me I agree happily. So no 'I did not move my mother next door to me' it was her decision and I just went along with it. Abibroken, I have spent many, many hours with my mother over the past 5 years - going on holidays together (which I have arranged, driven, organised), weekends away, shopping trips...you name it, I have done it! I think I have been a great role model to my children because they have always seen me as their grandmother's carer and support. However, they have all left home to live their lives and rarely come to see their grandmother. Of all of my family, I am the one that has done the most for her. I have helped her with her garden, visited her every week, welcomed her when she has called in to see me, whenever it was, ready with tea and biscuits. She used to come regularly for dinner - every week - she spent Christmas day with me, she had dinner with me recently. As I said, I am doing for my mum than anyone else. I do enjoy my job, I get to meet people. It is a commitment which I am happy to do because I live on my own with few friends and no partner or entertainment. If I do something I have do it on my own there are no friends for me. I have suggested to Mum that she come on holiday with me, weekend away, walk along the beach but it is difficult because she cannot walk very far. I have asked if she would consider a wheelchair so that we can do more together - other than just sitting talking about the same old things (another aspect of Alzheimers) but she refuses because she is worried about 'what people might think' of her being pushed in the wheelchair. Mum doesn't think oh that's great that my daughter still wants to take me on holiday, weekend away, walk along the beach, go to cafe for fish and chips (all of the things that I have suggested recently) she just worries about her image!

    It's unfortunate that my sibling and his wife don't come and see mum more or invite her to stay their house but they only come every few months, that's the way it is. Mum's day to day welfare, entertainment and social life has largely fallen to me. So I believe I have been a great role model and I certainly would not expect them to worry about me if I should be lucky enough to live to my 90s. I accept my life on my own and do the best I can for my family and me.

    I think Abitbroken you have gone off topic and focussed on a side issue of Mum's hospital appointments, doctors and general welfare and entertainment.

    The original post was about Mum's now middle stage Alzheimer's causing her to start hallucinating and being dellusional. She has started searching for my dad and friends - a facet of the disease. We live by a very busy road and I am very concerned that, as she has started falling in the road and people are having to stop, pick up and bring her back to me, she is becoming a danger to herself and others. The fact that she shuts me out of her medical and health care means that I cannot help her. She has not agreed to a Health and Welfare Power of Attorney which means that we cannot use her money to get paid professional care who are specialists in dealing dementia sufferers. She has not agreed for me to have access to her medical records nor can I speak to her doctor. We are stuck in this situation which is now getting very dangerous, stressful and worrying.

    Thank you for your suggestions, advice and help.

    I will leave it there.
    Whether you "moved her there" or not - here she is. That's besides the point, right.

    You are coming across in your writing that you have a martyr complex - reciting a list of everything you do, how you are not appreciated, how you are such a role model, etc. and write like mom as a martyr.

    No one is asking you to throw mom a formal tea party or go on a trip -- just pop in every day just for a few minutes. Even if you are just bringing her newspaper from the curb or something of that nature. You can know a lot about mom's well being that way -- just from a few minutes a day -- you can see that she looks happy and put together or is she walking around in an open nightie all day? does her home or she have an odor? just short and sweet and that will curtail the daily "emergencies" .

    And if you do take your mom to the doctor, although they cannot share medical info, staff has a way of communicating that doesn't violate her rights. A staff member could ask casual questions about her wellbeing to you or they could tell you "your mom might need you to bring the car to the curb, don't worry, you won't get a ticket" when mom won't admit she can't walk across the parking lot.

    have you butted heads with mom when you were younger? i wonder if she leans on your siblings because there is conflict or just because you are close?

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