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Thread: difficult choices

  1. #21
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    I was going to suggest that your neighbour calls the police when your Mum goes walkabouts rather than you.
    This way, like Catfeeder said, it is listed with the authorities.

  2. #22
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    Hello there

    Thank you for your response and that is a great idea.

    I went to see my mother yesterday and tried to explain the effect it was having on me and she grew very defensive and came back with her 'stock' answers..'I am no bother to you', 'I don't bother you', 'I wish I'd had my mother near me but I've not been that lucky', 'you are lucky to have me next door to help you (!)', 'you are being over dramatic', 'you are being silly'

    Because of Mum's memory problems I had to keep explaining over and over again how much this was effecting me and I did end up in tears with the stress of it all. This didn't seem to matter to Mum, she just kept down playing the effect it was having on me.

    Not deterred I soldiered on trying to set some boundaries (this is first time that I have really pushed back in years) and, in the end Mum agreed that she did rely on me too much but just could not avoid telling me that I will inherit a lot of money when she dies (guilting me again).

    Alzheimer's disease does take away the sufferer's empathy and that is the hardest thing to deal with.

    After a long discussion Mum did accept that she could not go out alone anymore but said that her home would be prison but would get taxis in future.

    It was not an easy conversation and I may have to keep reminding her that I do have another life.

  3. #23
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    Thank you for your replies they have been really helpful.

    I have made an appointment with the doctor's surgery to see my GP (it is a group surgery so they rotate) this week to make some headway. You are right it is not up to a paramedic to decide capacity.

    If there is any more incidents I have printed letters to give to anyone and everyone who turns up with Mum when she's lost - explaining about Mum and to call the Police and I will take a signed statement and photos as proof.

    I have brought a lock for my gate with a padlock because the last time the person just walked in through the gate to my front door!

    I have given letters to all the neighbours explaining the problem and asking them to call Police/ambulance.

    I am giving some thought about the hired help/friendship idea but I don't have the money for this. The only way I could do this is to ask my sibling (who handles mum's finances) but I know he would say that I would have to speak to mum first....

    I will keep a note of all incidents as proof.

    Thank you again for your advice.

  4. #24
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    Thank you for that advice, it's really helped alot.

    I have put most of the things that you have suggested in motion.

    About the hired help idea which is brilliant. I would have to pay for the hired help myself which I can't really afford because I rely on the income from my business to pay the bills to run my home. I do have Power of Attorney over Mum's finances - in tandem with my sibling - he runs the finances. I know that if I ask him for funds from mum's account to hire help he will say that I need to speak to mum first before the funds are released.

    Is there any way I can get around that?

    I had considered asking Mum for a loan (I dunno - repairs to house) and use the money for hired help that way. The problem that my sibling and I come up against is that Mum always offers to lend money but when reminded she forgets. Again, lack of mental capacity...a 'sticky' area. From an Power of Attorney's point of view is dangerous. That's why this capacity issue is a minefield.

    If I could get Mum to agree to a loan I suppose the only way is for her to sign the agreement in front of my brother and release funds that way? I suppose then it doesn't matter what I do with the loan after that?

    I would use my own money but all spare income is tied up in the business.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do you have Adult Protective Services in your area? In the US, adult children having power of attorney and access to someone's finances, yet allowing this type of thing would be investigated for elder neglect and elder financial exploitation.

    What are your siblings doing with her money? Why is no one hiring appropriate care or paying for an elder facility? Power of attorney means making all the executive decisions legally and financially including using the seniors resoures for their own care/best interest.


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    Originally Posted by unpaidcarer
    The big problem now is that my mother has started wandering and is a danger to herself and others because she keeps falling in the road and passing motorists pick her up. She can't remember her address

    I have Power of Attorney with my sibling

  7. #26
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    The problem is that my mother has been seen by a paramedic and social care who all say that she is fine and that if she chooses to go for a walk then that's up to her. My sibling is handling her finances for her and will not do anything without her permission as it's her money. My mother has refused care, says she doesn't need help of any kind. So we are stuck. If I was a single child I would have arranged carers years ago whether mum liked it or not. However, my sibling is in charge of the finances and will not do anything behind his mum's back. It's easy for him to have this attitude because he lives miles away and manages mum's home and affairs from a distance. However, as I live next door, if anything goes wrong - like mum getting lost, falling over in the road then it's me that gets visits from passing motorists that seen mum fall or neighbours calling me to come and get mum because I live next door to Mum and I'm available. I do have power of attorney to deal with mum's finances but I think if I asked for money for mum's care/hired help then I think my brother would challenge it as the other attorney because he believes in keeping mum involved in the decision making process. I am pretty helpless and really can only refuse to get involved if anyone brings mum to my door. Brutal I know but really, I have had enough.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sooner or later someone, law enforcement, etc will bring your mother to an emergency room or hospital and either you or your brother or both will be investigated for neglect. Yes she can refuse medical care, anyone can. However it is grossly irresponsible to allow this neglect and danger because your brother is supposedly "managing" her finances and you claim she is fine unattended and wandering the streets. There is no law that states you can't hire an attendant or aide or nurse or companion to assist her if she is not ready to move to a assisted living retirement community. Keep in mind some adult children are afraid to lose their inheritance if they sell the seniors home an to finance better care in facility. Find out what your brother is really up to.
    Originally Posted by unpaidcarer
    The problem is that my mother has been seen by a paramedic and social care who all say that she is fine

  9. #28
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    Wiseman I don't claim to say that my mother is fine! Far from it. I think from what I have written in my previous posts has made that clear. it has been me that has pushed and pushed over the past four years to get some help for Mum. Why do you think I've come to this forum for advice as to what to do next? I have seen my mother struggle to survive on her own and I have worked hard to help her as much as I can but I can't do this on my own. I don't claim that mum is fine wandering the streets I am doing my utmost to stop this happening.

    Social services have been contacted by me and my sibling many times because we are both concerned for her, who at nearly 94, should really be in a care home but if she refuses to go what can we do? Social care say that it is down to my mother's doctor to make a decision about mum's mental abilities. My mother's surgery sent a Paramedic to see Mum last week and pronounced every thing was 'fine'..not me. A couple of days later Mum was discovered by the road side having fallen down and a motorist found her and brought her to my house looking very dishevelled, upset and confused. I rang my sibling and he advised to contact social care. Social care says that Mum's doctor says she is fine and that if she decides to go for walk then that's up to her...not what I think.

    We just go around in circles. Of course we would like mum to have care, support and help (in addition to what we do for her) but if she refuses care, has been warned that she is vulnerable I'm not sure what we can do.

    I am incredibly worried about my mother and just trying to find solutions/ideas hence me coming to this site.

  10. #29
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    Agree with preeemptive visits. Keep a routine where you visit mom at certain times of day - daily. That could be in the evening when she is about to turn in, maybe have breakfast with her etc, make it a social call. You can easily see what is going on if you do. Do you *have* to work at your business? I mean, can you take on no new clients or go part time to be there for mom? You had no trouble being there for dad, but you are half speaking as if mom is a bother because you have this exciting new life and half a concerned daughter.

    what about some sort of doorbell came or alert system to tell you if mom has left the house, - a camera in the yard so you are not intruding on privacy but at the same time, you can get a head's up.

    people with dementia sometimes do better when they have social interaction. What does your mom like? playing cards? drawing? Can your kids visit Grandma once a week?

  11. #30
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    I take your point 'abitbroken' Perhaps I have not made it clear about what I have done and still do for my mother. I try to go and see her every Sunday afternoon or have her to dinner on occasional saturdays. On average I usually see her once a week or a fortnight. Before I started my business I was seeing a lot more of her. We used to go on holiday together, weekends away, walking my dog (when she was alive), shopping for clothes for her for holidays, taking her see her relatives, taking her to see her best friend in a nursing home, helping mum with her garden, taking her food shopping every week, taking her out for dinner for mother's day, sometimes she would call in for coffee and still does occasionally. Since my father passed away I have spent an incredible amount of time with my mum. Only three weeks ago I invited Mum over with my daughter for a meal so I do try. I have to plan these get togethers because I am keeping my business going as well, which I love because it is social interaction. I don't have friends, no partner and my children live very far away and, if I did't have my business what else is there for me?

    I had to be there for my father because he was very ill and had collapsed with a brain tumour. Like my mother he refused to see his doctor and waited until he was seeing spiders climbing the walls. I pleaded and pleaded with him to agree for me to call an ambulance. There was no else with me except my mum and she had gone to pieces and couldn't cope. It was decided that I would go with him to hospital and I spend six hours with him waiting to be seen. Eventually he was told it was terminal and was sent home to die. Mum was very good she looked after him during that time. Mum and Dad refused carers or would only tolerate a couple of hours which meant that Dad was not really being looked after very well. He then collapsed again in the middle of the night and because I was close I was called to help - what I saw was awful. Again, ambulance called hours in hospital stabilising him just me and my dad. He stayed in hospital and was only allowed home provided they both agreed care which they had to accept.

    Can you imagine the toll that took on Mum and me? It just my elderly mother and me dealing with a very difficult situation. My sibling was miles away and my children had left home.

    I don't agree 'that I had no trouble being there for Dad' it was more like there was no else to help. I swore that I would not be put in that situation again. The reason that my Dad ended up the way he did is because he refused to accept outside help and this is exactly what my mum is doing too.

    I would not say that my mother is a 'bother' because I enjoy her company and we do get on well. The sad fact is that she has Alzheimers and anyone who has spend time with a very elderly parent who's memory is shot to pieces and is not the person they once were will know just how distressing an painful it is to watch someone whom you have spent lots of quality time has withered away to a shell of what they once were.

    The problem that I have is that my business or my work fills a huge gap in my life because I don't have a partner, few friends and my children live far away. This has happened because I devoted most of my life bringing my children up as single parent, then I supported my parents in their old age as much as I could. I do have a sibling but he lives far away too. So it is very lonely for me and I do need company.

    Because Mum is refusing care at nearly 94 with dementia it means that she is very vulnerable and does (through her own choices - I have offered to take her to day care centres to meet other seniors but she refuses) spend a lot of time on her own. She could accept some help which would be company for her but she refuses. Mum really only wants to see family. I believe I have done everything I can to make Mum's life as good as I can but I do need to put myself first hence the business.

    Mum is not a bother to me but she is a worry when she starts wandering along a busy road, falling over and passing motorists are bringing her back to my house because she is lost and can't remember her address or she gets lost and a neighbour calls me and tells me to come and get my mum. On the occasions that Mum has decided to leave her home and got lost was when I was teaching which I meant I had to drop everything to help. How can I have any sort of life if I am dealing with emergencies all of the time? I cannot be on call 24 hours a day surely?

    I have come to this site to find answers about how I can get Mum to accept some home help, support or care that was all.

    I do visit Mum and see her as much as I can which is lot more than any other member of my family is doing.

    The idea of camera is excellent as is the doorbell/alert system. I will suggest that to Mum the next time I see her.

    Mum cannot see very well because she has Glaucoma sadly. She has not seen her eye consultant for a year because she will not go to Hospital unless me or my sibling take her. I used to take her regularly but it just got too much. Mum really cannot draw or even hold a pen too well as she has arthritis. My eldest son lives in Asia, my middle daughter is based in London and my youngest is very vulnerable and does try to visit her Nan every few months.

    Thank you for the suggestions.

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