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Thread: 2 years down the drain, thought she was the one.

  1. #1
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    2 years down the drain, thought she was the one.

    Well it happened. The thing i had been dreading, the breakup. We had spent a little over 2 years together, I thought she was the love of my life but alas here I am.

    We had been through so much together, her spending time in the hospital and me visiting every chance I got, my grandmothers death, her battle with anxiety and depression, job changes and financial anxiety, both finishing school. We had talked so much about the future about getting a place together and potentially getting engaged. She always used to joke about how cute our kids would be and how curly their hair would be. Now all of it is gone. I feel so empty.

    I'm not sad necessarily, just more empty, like a huge part of my life just got ripped away and I can't get it back no matter how hard I might want it. I knew there was a strain with the romantic part of our relationship at times and it never really got back to the place where we both wanted it, but man i'm going to miss her friendship. I'm going to miss talking to her and seeing her, i'm going to miss her family which I had more or less become a part of just like she had with mine. I'm going to miss her dog and the way we use to just lounge around and watch shows together. I'm going to miss all of the little things that we shared.

    I think the main part of my anxiety is and emptiness is knowing I will eventually have to move and and go through the dating process all over again. I know i will probably find someone new again and build something great but right now my mind is just racked with missing her. It's only been a few days and I know the healing process will take longer, much longer, and while part of me is happy that there is no bitterness or anger toward each other it just makes it worse getting over her. The fact that the last conversation we had before the breakup was happy and smiling and joking makes it all the more worse.

    I suppose I am just looking for good healing tips and ways to not sit around longing for the times we had. Especially when there is no bitterness or animosity, there is no "good im glad its over". I would like to keep her in my life to a degree but I know I can't handle that right now, so i've muted her on all social media, not blocked her, same with her phone number, let her know she can always reach out to me, but plan on going NC for a while here.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about the pain, friend.

    This is going to maybe sound strange, but my initial thought in reading this? It's that you sound really, really great. You're in pain and facing an uncertain future, yes, but you're acknowledging it, feeling it, without demonizing her or yourself or what you two shared. That's high level stuff, right there.

    In terms of "healing tips" I encourage you to just stay right where you are, feeling what you're feeling alongside the inevitable void that opens up when a relationship ends. Healing is a real process, and really the best tip is to accept that. To go through it, fully, rather than running from it. A lot of life is learning to live with grace alongside voids and in moments of uncertainty, to trust that it's those moments where we have an opportunity to grow and strengthen simply by sitting still. Mourning, basically.

    I get that it's hard when there's no bitterness or animosity, but the truth is there are rarely those things if you're healthy people in healthy relationships. They don't all work out, it's a sad fact of life, though personally I find a lot of relief in not thinking of relationships as "failures" or "down the drain" just because they didn't end in forever. Maybe you can find some comfort in that idea—today, next month, whenever.

    Try not to fret too much about what the future holds, be it new romances or a different connection with her. Time will sort that out, and right now is just the time to sort yourself out by feeling what you need to feel.

  3. #3
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    Agree with BC. So I think there's a good balance between pushing yourself too hard to "get over it" and wallowing. So. What I would do is choose positive activities that have nothing at all to do with dating. So for example when my friend's engagement ended I took her out for brunch and then yoga. Yoga because she'd never done it so it couldn't have any connection to her ex plus of course it's great for healing, right? (anecdotally -we sat down to brunch at a lovely farm to table place and she picked up the plate and said 'we'd registered for this china pattern...."). But P.S. a few years after that on a rainy valentine's eve she met her future husband in her building's laundromat, married now for 13 years. Please don't push yourself to get over it but do push yourself to treat yourself like a person who is resilient and resilient people also need rest. So pick one thing to do every day that is good for you - exercise, volunteer work, angry cleaning - and then balance that with staying in touch with your mood and body without overthinking and if you need to rest, to decompress, have that dark chocolate (just tried the Divine brand and yes, it is), or call a friend -but dont' talk about the ex - or watch one episode of a show you've been meaning to watch. You can do this and I believe this not as a cliche but for the reasons Bluecastle wrote.

    All the best to you from a fellow curly-haired person who endured several breakups.

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    Thank you friend! I'm sure i'll look back on this post whenever I am feeling blue ;) for when I need a little friendly advice

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  6. #5
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    Thank you other friend! While i'm sad about this one major door closing, i'm excited for all the new little doors that may have been potentially opened.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You're already doing everything right and nonetheless it hurts. Unfortunately all you can do is one foot in front of the other until time heals. You're heading in the right direction on your road to recovery, if that helps.

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    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Basically everything everyone has already said...You’re less than a week out so yes you’re only just entering the furnace. It’ll burn for a while so just look after yourself ok*

    I will caution though that if you now drop into NC the chances are high that she’ll come sniffing around...2 years is a long time for her too and our brains have difficulty readjusting that quickly.

    And so, if she does please don’t get your hopes up too much. We’ve seen it time and time again where this happens only for them to run off again....

    I myself got dragged along behind the bus for well over 6 months because she would throw me ‘Hope on a rope’ when really all she was doing was weaning off me as she made the transition and I didn’t have the strength to cut it off.

    Stay strong brother. You’re not alone and you will get there. There are no rules as to how long it takes either. Just be kind and patient with yourself*

    Carus*

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Some good healing tips that worked for me:
    -learn to make new friends and meet new people (not for the sole purpose of dating or starting a new romance)
    -rekindle old hobbies, find new hobbies (I started kayaking internationally!)
    -travel (it doesn't have to be expensive or elaborate and even a weekend trip does wonders)
    -see "outside the box", try new experiences (I discovered a world of theatre and broadway in my last break up, before I met my husband)
    -cracking a new language
    -delving into history/culture and geology of glaciers/lakes/plateaus (understanding landscapes geologically improved my understanding of my surroundings as a kayaker and in turn allowed me to build more advanced skills)
    -reconnecting with family and strengthening family relationships, asking myself questions about my place and what my role was/is, some personal questions

    Those are some of the things I did a lot of and my life was always full. Maybe I am a weird one but I can honestly say I don't think I've ever felt 'empty'. Stay curious and keep learning!


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