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Thread: I'm so messed up please help

  1. #1

    I'm so messed up please help

    I'm sorry if this is a bit of a ramble but I need to get this out. I'm sorry if I appear shallow in places but I'm trying to be as honest as I can.

    I met a guy from a dating site end of January/beginning of February. He appeared and sounded very genuine. When I met him, it became obvious that he'd used an old picture of himself and was ''quite below my league'' (his words not mine , but actually...yes)

    I was very unsure about physical attraction at first but I was attracted to his personality so I gave it a go. At that time, Ashamedly, I saw him as 'a guy for now' . He said he was old skool and didn't believe in sleeping with people right away and wanted something genuine...I have quite a high sex drive so I was kind of out there about the whole sex thing and I guess I kind of lied on a sense to 'get in his pants'. Very bad I know. On the second date he actually did initiate sex so that was a surprise... We didn't go all the way though.

    As time went on , I actually did develop feelings for him and genuinely enjoyed his company. He seemed to be the same too. We texted constantly. However, I was a bit niggled at the fact that he just didn't really go into a great deal of detail about his life. He spent most of his time at home when not working and in some sense was quite 'boring'.. Without going into detail, I know for a fact he wasn't in any other relationship at the time.

    The niggles were starting to annoy me, he never asked about my son or really that much about myself even though he was attentive if that makes sebse ? Hed always ask what i was doing etc but wouldnt enquire any further.and he became slightly obsessed with talking about sex (I went along with it as I kind of enjoyed it anyway)
    Anyway, some of my frustrations must have leaked through as he accused me of thinking he was boring, and there was a slight rant about it on his part.

    I also ghosted him for three days to think about things and came back and said I felt a bit used. He responded by taking me out to dinner and also refusing sex for awhile.
    I declined to see him on my birthday as he'd cancelled on me last minute the Saturday before when I'd already arranged a babysitter so I didn't really want to give up my birthday plans to see him. Looking back, I think that bothered him but he didn't say.

    Anyway, I started gradually holding back from volunteering info about myself and what I'd been up to that day as I felt like he just wasn't really volunteering much about himself and I was fed up of him really. He responded in kind by withdrawing even more . To be fair, he didn't actually have that much going on his life. He had no hobbies and not many friends.

    At one point, I knew he'd started seeing someone else but kept on texting me even though I was barely responding to him now. Eventually after two weeks or so I asked to end the contact as 'we had nothing to say to each other ' I didn't mention that I knew he was seeing someone else ( which apparently is very against his moral code, he always said he was a one woman man, didn't lead people on etc) I should also mention that during this time, he'd lie and say he'd fallen asleep etc while he was texting this other woman and not me, which obviously just pushed me away further.

    Ten days later he text me the old 'u OK. Text. Stupidly I responded and we struck up a conversation . During those ten days I felt really hurt and just wanted to hear from him as I'd developed feelings. It was still obvious that he was seeing someone else but for some reason my brain didn't compute the fact.

    Anyway after a couple of days I had a mini meltdown and blurted out how I felt about him and that I knew he'd moved on to someone else. He denied he was seeing someone else and said he'd felt the same. We basically reconciled and everything went back to normal until two days later when I noticed him blowing hot and cold and still constantly messaging the other woman( don't ask me how I know but I do) I accused him of leading me on and then didn't contact him for ten days. Stupidly I got back in touch with him just to make ammends rather than reconcile. He didn't offer up any explanation but then he ckbtiuned to text me every day( non sexually) ...I stupidly believed he had feelings for me and was trying to get back to where we were but I was an idiot. His texting would be slow but it was consistent. One day he started really blowing up my phone telling me that he liked me (very focused on the physical aspects though) I held my ground slightly and asked why UE was doing this but he was very good at sidestepping questions. I told him I'm not a booty call, he said good. Neither am I. Then went cold again. I text him the next night saying so you were trying to use me! He said no, that's not who I am. He ignored further texts from me for a couple of says and then text me apologising saying he'd had a ' couple of daya' . Don't ask me how I know but , this was the day that him and this other woman fell through. After that he kept texting me every day but I was hot/cold with him and going on other dates to try and make him feel how I felt. Also, he was straight back on the dating site which he hadn't been while he was seeing this other woman...

    Eventually , after I stood him up a couple of times ,I caved and started talking to him properly. He denied ever seeing Anyone else and made me feel like it was just me he was interested in. Long story short , I came clean with him and told him that I'd be going on dates so why didn't he just be upfront and honest and say he was too? But he wouldn't. He got shirty with me when I mentioned other men and asked what gave me the right to accuse him of seeing other people when I was doing the same. Anyway, big mistake. I slept with him and he was okay for a couple of days but then gradually started being vague mysterious again . He met someone else again! - but was sating just enough to keep me going if that makes sense. I stopped being an idiot and ended it there and then. He contacted my six days later asking if he should delete my number. I didn't respond and haven't heard since.

    I admit I'm partly bitter because an unattractive and very unassuming guy didn't want me. Yep I am a and maybe it was deserved. But I'm also very hurt as I really wanted us to reconcile properly but he played me the whole time.

  2. #2
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    You both played games.

  3. #3
    I should add that I only started dating other men when I knew he was seeing someone else although I didn't really want to.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    From what you've written, if you stayed with him, you'd be settling. From the outside looking in, you can only choose one person to be your potential lifetime partner, and I'm scratching my head wondering why you would choose him. When you get some time and distance away from him, I think you too will be scratching your head at why you stayed so long.

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  6. #5
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    "I also ghosted him for three days to think about things and came back and said I felt a bit used."
    "I declined to see him on my birthday as he'd cancelled on me last minute the Saturday before when I'd already arranged a babysitter so I didn't really want to give up my birthday plans to see him."
    "Anyway, I started gradually holding back from volunteering info about myself and what I'd been up to that day as I felt like he just wasn't really volunteering much about himself and I was fed up of him really. "
    "I was barely responding to him now. Eventually after two weeks or so I asked to end the contact as 'we had nothing to say to each other ' I didn't mention that I knew he was seeing someone else"
    "I accused him of leading me on and then didn't contact him for ten days. "
    "I text him the next night saying so you were trying to use me! "
    " Don't ask me how I know but , this was the day that him and this other woman fell through." (So, how do you "know" that??)
    "I was hot/cold with him and going on other dates to try and make him feel how I felt."
    "I admit I'm partly bitter because an unattractive and very unassuming guy didn't want me. "


    You chose to play all these games instead of having honest and upfront communication with him.

    Did you expect that since he's less physically attractive than you he should have been grateful you deigned to spend time with him?

  7. #6
    You're absolutely right of course
    I need to be shot down and I need to hear that this was my fault.
    There are a few details I've left out but in the grand scheme of things it probably won't change much.

  8. #7
    This is true. I will eventually see that it wasn't right and never would have been right. But as time went on I kind of 'put that to the back of my head ' so to speak and I kind of started debating with myself/thinking well...maybe it could be right. If that makes sense ...as I'd grown to genuinely like him

  9. #8
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You wanted this guy to adore you and chase, as you figured you were in a much higher league than him. But he didn't do that.
    For as unattractive as he was, he put you on the back burner, time and time again and chased other women and came back to you when it didn't work out with them or he wanted to see if he could keep stringing you along.

    This was all about your ego more than anything, possibly boredom too. For him, it was always games and lies.

    You kept him around for both those reasons (ego, boredom), but it was never actually anything real or genuine.

    As for him, he's a straight out liar and manipulator. He lied to you and lied some more and you sleep with him knowing this? You really need to ask yourself how low your self esteem really is.

    A huge glaring red flag right from the start is someone pretending to be someone they're not. When you realized he had used old pictures, that should have been enough.
    He's a straight out liar. I can't see anyone with enough sense to even bother with someone like that.

    Either way, this was a very toxic 'relationship' right from the start and it should have never gotten past the first date.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    as I'd grown to genuinely like him
    What exactly do you like? An ugly man who lies through his teeth to you? A man who seen you as second choice when things didn't work out with other women and a man who ran right back to the dating site even though you were right there?

    He's an a$$hole and a loser.

    There has got to be much better choices. Do you not feel worthy to allow yourself something better than this jerk?

    He's not a one woman man, he will continue to lie and cheat behind your back and he's not even worth it. An ugly, boring, lying loser.

    So why keep on?

  11. #10
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    I'm confused about the connection between high sex drive and having sex right away with someone or sooner than the other person is comfortable with. Don't you often practice restraint despite wanting to do something -like deciding not to eat a lot of ice cream at once even though it's delicious? You can have a high sex drive as you say you do and choose to wait to have sex for a variety of reasons. One doesn't require the other. I agree with the others' assessment and please don't go with "I need to be shot down" - having that mindset won't trigger change -that's just indulging in beating yourself up. Changing means assessing a situation from a mindset that you mean well and are a good person who made some bad choices. Beating yourself up works short term and lets you pretend that you want to change but it's really not motivating in the long run. What I'm suggesting you do is harder because it doesn't let you go to extremes and be all dramatic -it's a slower and steadier process of reflecting and making different choices -even baby step different choices about how you treat yourself and others.

    Also decide if you prefer the thrill of the chase and having arm candy to working on a potentially long term relationship with someone. Do you require someone in your league as you put it so that others will see who you are with or is it because you actually are not attracted to someone just because on some external one to ten scale the person might be a 5 while you consider yourself an 8?

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