In a weird spot...

The short of it is, after about 2 months of not having a car due to an accident my SO finally told me his license was suspended because he had unpaid tickets. He lied initially, telling me that the cop forgot to give it back and was mailing it to the house, it got lost in the mail, he ordered a new one, etc etc.

I guess this would normally be a big deal, but something to potentially work through, except for the fact that he lied to me earlier on in our relationship. At the time, I was going to end it, but through to give him a second chance based on the circumstances; provided, of course, that he was honest with me going forward.

In my mind I know I should probably walk away, but at the same time it feels like nothing has changed. In the past, I've always known/ felt so clearly when a relationship had run its course for any number of reasons. I can't tell if this is different because I don't think he's a bad person despite his flaws or if I'm just burnt out after a particularly taxing year of social mishaps with friends and family.

Wow. He's a chronic liar, you don't and can't trust him. It seems you're both living a lie to let this toxic situation limp along. Reconsider what you want out of your life and your relationships. Lies are like cockroaches, if you see one you can rest assured there are plenty others. Resorting to catfishing is not the answer to his lack of integrity or your trust issues.

my partner and I have had the issue of trust come up in some capacity or another.

 

One day, the thought crossed my mind, "What if I created a fake profile to talk to and 'test' my partner?"

I agree with Wiseman. You already know in your mind he's a liar that's all you need to know. Don't be afraid to be on your own, sometimes the only person you can rely on is yourself.

Oh boy, that's a bad one. You need a lot of love in a relationship. Trust is one of the most important things. In fact, trust is directly tied to your love level for him. You can only love him as much as you trust him, and it sounds like that's going down hill.

You have to talk to him about it and explain it to him. And he has to stop it for this relationship to make it.

Your post is unclear to me.

Who had the accident (if there was one)?

Who didn’t have a car for 2 months? You or him? Where was the car?

Who drives it?

2 lies doesn’t equate to a chronic liar and of course depends on the nature of the lies and time spent in between with no lies.

Can you clarify please?

Your post is unclear to me.

Who had the accident (if there was one)?

 

Who didn’t have a car for 2 months? You or him? Where was the car?

Who drives it?

 

2 lies doesn’t equate to a chronic liar and of course depends on the nature of the lies and time spent in between with no lies.

 

Can you clarify please?

Thank you for your response. To clarify...

He was in an accident and hasn't had a car for 2 months. The other driver was at fault, but his car got totaled and his license got held because of unpaid tickets. He was embarrassed a) that he had the tickets b) that he doesn't have the money to outright pay them off with everything else going on and c) that he doesn't have a car for the indefinite future. Not the worst offense, but still a lie nonetheless. Mind you, when we first started dating he also didn't have a car, but I made it very clear, both verbally and through proceeding with dating/ starting a relationship, that that wasn't a concern to me, as he had started out in a very rough spot and was working hard to improve his situation financially and take care of himself.

I guess it feels bigger than 2 lies, because this is something that has been going on for so long with many small lies feeding it about what is actually going on on top of just the daily withholding of the truth.

In between all of that, things had been improving, or at least it'd seemed that way. There were, as there always are, some issues, but they were usually resolved with some straightforward communication and a little bit of patience and overall the issues had been becoming less and less until this all happened.

"Good" people don't cover their tracks with lies to make life easier for themselves.

Not only is he a liar but he's also irresponsible and doesn't learn from his mistake if he has so many unpaid tickets that the cops took his licence.

You are with a loser who needs to grow up. You've already given him one chance to do that and he didn't so if you stay with him now, you are an enabler and it would actually be selfish of you to not have him suffer the consequences of his actions.

Question now is: What are you going to do about it... Stay and enable or leave and allow him to grow by learning that his piss poor actions have negative consequences?

Do you know for sure that he was indeed in an accident, OP?

Whenever something doesn't sound right, and it doesn't feel right, it's not right.

Dis-illusion-ment is painful, but Pay Attention.

He was embarrassed a) that he had the tickets b) that he doesn't have the money to outright pay them off with everything else going on and c) that he doesn't have a car for the indefinite future.

Why are you making excuses for him? Serious question.

I guess it feels bigger than 2 lies, because this is something that has been going on for so long with many small lies feeding it about what is actually going on on top of just the daily withholding of the truth.

It is bigger than 2 lies. Not only is he lying about stupid things for stupid reasons, he's not paying his tickets.

Is there an age gap difference here or do you drive? I think if you were around the same age/maturity or if you are also a driver/own your vehicle/have a license you might be more prone to knowing what it takes to drive a vehicle on the road. I'm worried about the lack of responsibility and am glad for other drivers that he is not driving any longer. I'm also glad he was not hurt in the accident and hope no one else was hurt either. Before the lies, I'm concerned about the level of risk that this person might pose while on the road and sharing the road with other drivers is no laughing matter. We count on each other to stay sober, make the right decisions and drive safely (this means amending for all the wrongs/mistakes/tickets we have incurred). Yes, we all make mistakes and who hasn't had a ticket but until he acknowledges them and is financially able to make amends, it might also be a sign that he's not financially able to support a car or being a driver at this time.

To you, it may not be important that he has a drivers' license or a car. That's up to you and it shouldn't matter that much to everyone. Completely your call.

The lies: he's likely dealing with feelings of inadequacy not all related to the car or his license. Maybe he doesn't feel good about himself and his financial state. You should recognize that while there are people from all walks, you have to recognize what you need in a relationship (basic minimums) in order to keep going. Don't judge someone by how rich or poor they are but from the way they handle themselves. He may be hitting a very low point right now and if you feel generous enough to keep going and you care about him, I don't see anything wrong with that but the lies have to stop and he has to recognize his low self-esteem and why he's lying.

If you don't feel he's trustworthy and can't trust him, you should make the decision on whether to stay or go. Relationships are built on trust and you cannot rationalize trust. It's either felt or not felt, there or not there. If you have to think about it twice, it's not good. Take a time out/just a breather and sleep over this if you need to. Trust should come naturally.

Does he lie about any other topics?

Has he built a house of cards in order to maintain his relationship with you? Instead, of course, being authentic and owning both his successes and failures?

BTW, If I were you, I'd check on his arrest record. You can find out a lot about a person from public records. I use the "Been Verified" app.