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My ex boyfriend and I decided to try again after a 8 month split. During that time he dated a girl from his home town who still lives there. He said it was over and I believed it although I checked both their social media account just to see what was going on. They both liked and commented on each other pictures.

I asked if hey were still together and he said no. I had a gut feeling something wasn’t right but I continue with the relationship. We dated, spent time together and traveled but something was off. He would visit home and conversation was very limited. The last 3 months we haven’t gone out much due to busy schedules.

 

He went on a family vacation I didn’t go because I was out of town for work. He sent me some pics and when I saved them they gave a location so I went back and saved other pics he sent and google the address and most of them were taken at her house (Christmas, New Years and Presidents Day).

 

I was hurt. I checked her social media page and she was on a cruise at the same time he was. I questioned him and he said no he was with family and even called his mother and brother who said the same thing it I didn’t believe them. I ask if he wanted to attend an event on the same day of his ex family reunion (which I saw on her FB page) he said no b/c he would be at a family reunion.

 

I ended the relationship. He seemed hurt but I told him it was over and why. He denied it all. He even came to my house yo talked to me. He has sent flowers to my job everyday since.

 

I looked through other pics and he has been wearing a long distance bracelet and she has one too. I don’t understand why he won’t be honest. Why lie about her. We’re both 41.

 

I just don’t get why he lied. I wouldn’t have dealt with him but to date me and have her for almost a year is unnecessary. I want to say something to him but it doesn’t matter

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You were right to end things. By all accounts, this was fishy, and yes, I too believe he lied. I believe he wanted to keep you going in your city, while he kept her going in his hometown, so he could have his cake and eat it too. The fact that you saw concrete evidence on social media confirms it.

 

His age of 41 is unfortunate, because it shows that liars are liars, regardless of age. He'll still be doing this at 71. This is who he is.

 

Curious.....why did you break up the first time?

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It will probably always be impossible to figure out his motives, OP.

 

Many years ago, an old friend of mine discovered her boyfriend of 2 years had had another girlfriend the entire time they'd been dating. She had no idea she was effectively the Other Woman, since the other girlfriend had been in the picture much longer. It was only discovered when his two worlds unexpectedly collided and the two women found out about each other.

 

My friend struggled for a long time, trying to understand why. Did he want to have his cake and eat it too? Was he a total sociopath? Was he ultimately planning to leave one and take up with the other? Never really got an answer to that. Part of her healing was accepting that she would never really understand why he did this, since she evidently had an entirely different moral compass and sense of dignity. She is wired different from someone like him, and would not really be capable of setting aside her own values and principles and seeing the world from his tainted lens.

 

The same will be true for you, I imagine. Be glad you had the sense to check it out and leave when you found out the truth.

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Funny, I don't see any "concrete" evidence in any of your sleuthing. All I see is that they live in the same town and likely the "location" is coming up as the same place because of it. My pics often say they were taken in my daughter's town when they were not they were taken in my town which is a half hour drive apart.

 

He denied everyone of your accusations and his family confirmed his whereabouts when you assumed he was lying. Why would they lie and cover up for him unless you have some large dowry you're going to be providing his family should you marry or something equally going to somehow benefit them?

 

He didn't lie to you about where he would be on the day you invited him to "an event" he just didn't tell you whose family reunion it would be (because he knew you would mis-read things, obviously).

 

Anyway, you don't trust him and whether or not your mistrust is justified, there is no point going forward with someone you don't trust so you did the right thing in breaking up with him. Now, close the door and tell him to quit sending you flowers and stop contacting you so that he stops trying to convince you that you were wrong and he can move on to find someone else.

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sorry to laugh a bit but reading this, I thought this guy was a dumb 25 yr old. In reality he is a dumb 41yr old. First thing is first. I have to ask you why did you get into the relationship? You knew something was fishy and not right and you didn't end it there, you proceeded so I have to ask why? You knew he lied to you, you knew that something was off and when you read all the danger signs and saw all the flags you still said Im going to do this and Im trying to figure out why at 41 you continue with it?

Yeah, he lied, he is a jerk, and he hid this girl from you and there isn't much more to say about it. He used you and at 41 maybe he does this to make him feel wanted and attractive still.. who knows.

But I do like that in your mind you have already accepted the situation. Why did he lie is simple.. because he thought he could get away with it. Guys/people like that will have an excuse for everything so asking him about his lies will be like talking to a chicken. In fact he might turn it on you and ask why are you following him. So I agree that talking to him will do you no good.

Use this as a lesson. If you feel that something is not right, walk away. Remember.. its easier to stay out than it is to get out.

Someone is out there for you..

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Funny, I don't see any "concrete" evidence in any of your sleuthing.

 

This seems pretty concrete to me:

 

He went on a family vacation I didn’t go because I was out of town for work. He sent me some pics and when I saved them they gave a location so I went back and saved other pics he sent and google the address and most of them were taken at her house (Christmas, New Years and Presidents Day).

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I dunno......go talk to this girl and maybe she can shed some light on the subject.

Now there's an idea! Go to the source instead of stalking him and believing everything you assume.

 

This seems pretty concrete to me:

 

Like I said, my pics show me as having taken them in my daughter's town which is a half hour drive away from my town. The way she is going about finding him out is not an exact science. I don't think that any social media supplies the exact address of where a pic was taken. If it was facebook then that would be a complete violation of privacy and they are already in deep for that.

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Perhaps there is no "concrete" evidence, like there would need to be in a court of law of something lol, but all his actions "combined" would certainly suggest something untoward was going on between them and I too would have ended it.

 

JMO but sometimes you don't need actual "evidence; a good strong intuition will suffice and unless you're a typically insecure and paranoid person, I would pay attention to it!

 

Which you did OP, good for you!

 

I couldn't even begin to speculate why he didn't just end things with you and focus only on her (or vice versa), but perhaps a previous poster was correct, he likes both of you and enjoys having both of you, one in his home town and one in his current town.

 

I am sorry this happened OP, best of luck to you moving forward. :)

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Perhaps there is no "concrete" evidence, like there would need to be in a court of law of something lol, but all his actions "combined" would certainly suggest something untoward was going between them and I too would have ended up.
I'd agree with you if his parents didn't vouch for him in one of her accusations. Why would they lie? I wonder what her answer to that is?

 

JMO but sometimes you don't need actual "evidence; a good strong intuition will suffice and unless you're a typically insecure and paranoid person, I would pay attention to it!
I agree, but I see some paranoia. I explained why regarding his parents and with regard to the "addresses" on the pictures.

 

Which you did OP, good for you!
or not. ;)

 

I couldn't even begin to speculate why he didn't just end things with you and focus only on her (or vice versa),
... add why he is still trying to get her back.

 

but perhaps a previous poster was correct, he likes both of you and enjoys having both of you, one in his home town and one in his current town.
or he's not into her or cheating on the Op. lol

 

I am sorry this happened OP, best of luck to you moving forward. :)

Me too and yes, good luck and close the door on him so he stops sending you flowers to your work.

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My ex boyfriend and I decided to try again after a 8 month split. During that time he dated a girl from his home town who still lives there. He said it was over and I believed it although I checked both their social media account just to see what was going on. They both liked and commented on each other pictures.

I asked if hey were still together and he said no. I had a gut feeling something wasn’t right but I continue with the relationship. We dated, spent time together and traveled but something was off. He would visit home and conversation was very limited. The last 3 months we haven’t gone out much due to busy schedules.

 

He went on a family vacation I didn’t go because I was out of town for work. He sent me some pics and when I saved them they gave a location so I went back and saved other pics he sent and google the address and most of them were taken at her house (Christmas, New Years and Presidents Day).

 

I was hurt. I checked her social media page and she was on a cruise at the same time he was. I questioned him and he said no he was with family and even called his mother and brother who said the same thing it I didn’t believe them. I ask if he wanted to attend an event on the same day of his ex family reunion (which I saw on her FB page) he said no b/c he would be at a family reunion.

 

I ended the relationship. He seemed hurt but I told him it was over and why. He denied it all. He even came to my house yo talked to me. He has sent flowers to my job everyday since.

 

I looked through other pics and he has been wearing a long distance bracelet and she has one too. I don’t understand why he won’t be honest. Why lie about her. We’re both 41.

 

I just don’t get why he lied. I wouldn’t have dealt with him but to date me and have her for almost a year is unnecessary. I want to say something to him but it doesn’t matter

 

I think you wrote the beginning and the ending to the story yourself and don't really need any other advice or ideas (at least nothing from me). You should only know that it's not in your power to fathom why some people do the things they do. You know that little prayer or saying that always comes up in times of difficulty? It goes: "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." With experience comes wisdom. Don't you worry.

 

I hope you now enjoy your newfound freedom without the entrapment of not-so-hot relationship.

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I dunno TwT, something just seems very off, the OP felt it, that was her intuition talking, which I am very strong believer in listening to.

 

But but below is what is really suspect for me:

 

>>He would visit home and conversation was very limited. The last 3 months we haven’t gone out much due to busy schedules.

 

>>He went on a family vacation I didn’t go because I was out of town for work. He sent me some pics and when I saved them they gave a location so I went back and saved other pics he sent and google the address and most of them were taken at her house (Christmas, New Years and Presidents Day).

 

I was hurt. I checked her social media page and she was on a cruise at the same time he was. I questioned him and he said no he was with family and even called his mother and brother who said the same thing it I didn’t believe them. I ask if he wanted to attend an event on the same day of his ex family reunion (which I saw on her FB page) he said no b/c he would be at a family reunion.

 

He could have had his family back up his story, who knows, I know mothers (and especially brothers) who will do that.

 

In any event, there's just too much weirdness in there, and if me, I certainly would not be swayed by him sending me flowers every day, that is so manipulative!

 

In fact many men will do that when they're feeling guilty about something they know they shouldn't be doing. So I wouldn't trust that at all.

 

Anyway, I think he wanted to date them both, and apparently date the OP on a limited basis since, according to her, they haven't gone out much in the last THREE months.

 

Personally I don't like sharing, especially with an EX, so I think she did the right, JMO. :D

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Once you started sleuthing, the relationship is already lost. Either he wont tell you the truth to your face, or you wont believe him. Does it really matter which is which?

 

Why did the relationship end in the first place? Probably a good idea to let it stay in the past this time.

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Once you started sleuthing, the relationship is already lost.

 

I agree with saluk about that.

 

 

My ex boyfriend and I decided to try again after a 8 month split. During that time he dated a girl from his home town who still lives there. He said it was over and I believed it although I checked both their social media account just to see what was going on. They both liked and commented on each other pictures.

I asked if hey were still together and he said no. I had a gut feeling something wasn’t right but I continue with the relationship.

 

Originally, I was going to comment on this^ but then read more, read the others' responses and decided to respond to other things.

 

But w/r/t the above quote, your mistake was continuing with the relationship once you had that "gut feeling" something was off.

 

Because all that gut feeling did was cause you to snoop and preoccupy yourself with finding "evidence" in which to justify breaking things off.

 

Which you did not need. Once your intuition kicks in, unless you are normally a very insecure and paranoid person, that's all you need.

 

All your snooping and preoccupation with both of them was a total waste of time, not healthy and I would guess caused you a lot of stress.

 

Once you lose trust (which is what caused you to snoop in the first place), there's nothing left, so just end it right then and there.

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The relationship ended b/c he was the worst communicator. He would be distant for 2 or 3 days whenever we disagreed on anything. To keep this from happening I would let things so that bothered me and I ended things because as adults you should be able to discuss anything. I started to feel that my feelings and Opinion didn’t matter.

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True, I just don’t understand the lie but I’m happy I found out earlier than later.

 

People lie when it's in their best interests to lie.

 

According to him, it was in his best interests to date the both of you (perhaps even others, who knows), so he lied.

 

Not worth even a fraction of an ounce of your energy trying to understand it.

 

Just be glad you discovered now and moving forward, when your gut feeling that something's off is so strong that you're inclined to snoop the way you did, just end it.

 

Again, when there is no trust, there is nothing.

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Once a liar, always a liar. You can never trust liars. Lying is a real deal breaker. Permanently.

 

He lies because for a while, he can get away with. Liars lie because it's easier to lie than explain. They walk around with a clear conscience while lying and will forever deny any wrongdoing. I've heard everything.

 

Liars lie because they want their cake and eat it, too. They want the best of both worlds: Fool around and have a secured girlfriend or wife on the side. They're masters at manipulation, trickery, lies, deception and betrayal. They've done it before and will continue to do it again.

 

I'm glad you ended the relationship. Good riddance!

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The relationship ended b/c he was the worst communicator. He would be distant for 2 or 3 days whenever we disagreed on anything. To keep this from happening I would let things so that bothered me and I ended things because as adults you should be able to discuss anything. I started to feel that my feelings and Opinion didn’t matter.

I thought it ended because you think you discovered he was cheating on you? Are you saying that you would still be with him if he communicated better and made you think your feelings and opinions mattered?

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The relationship ended b/c he was the worst communicator. He would be distant for 2 or 3 days whenever we disagreed on anything. To keep this from happening I would let things so that bothered me and I ended things because as adults you should be able to discuss anything. I started to feel that my feelings and Opinion didn’t matter.

 

I thought it ended because you think you discovered he was cheating on you? Are you saying that you would still be with him if he communicated better and made you think your feelings and opinions mattered?

 

Omg, I missed that!! Yeah confusing, I agree -- she never even mentioned his poor communication in her opening post, it was all about his relationship with his ex! And all her sleuthing.

 

Almost sounds like a response to a completely different thread.

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Just checked her posting history and I think she's meaning that they broke up the first time because of his lack of communication. She does say in her OP that they got back together after an 8 month split.

 

Thanks for checking! It would have been nice if she had written "the relationship ended the first time because....."

 

But whatever.... it's Friday! About the time I start heading into the twilight zone anyway, so... lol

 

Well actually, heading out to HH, good night all, have a great weekend! :D

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