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Thread: Confused 😕

  1. #21
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Harleygirl
    Well when i look back he did this one other time and it looks like hes punishing me..but he never wb i saw him at a event and we started talking..he never expressed himself or apologised for his action..i think hes at that selfish phase if she leaves ne i dont care..and now i def got the hint..im done no more overlooking the red flags..and back to the drawing board and building my esteem and self worth back up..
    Giving you two thumbs up.

  2. #22
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    This is a very sad thing for me to say, but people with mental issues are usually not the best relationship material. Some would say it's a deal breaker.

    You can't fix crazy.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Harleygirl
    Well when i look back he did this one other time and it looks like hes punishing me..but he never wb i saw him at a event and we started talking..he never expressed himself or apologised for his action..i think hes at that selfish phase if she leaves ne i dont care..and now i def got the hint..im done no more overlooking the red flags..and back to the drawing board and building my esteem and self worth back up..
    While I would make it a point to always look to my mirror to ensure that a riding partner has made it through the same lights I've passed, and I'd pull over whenever that's not the case, I'd do what you're wisely doing by seeing the bigger picture of this relationship.

    It's been a year of withhold from him instead of working things out whenever he doesn't 'like' something. I'd ask whether that's really enough for me? Would I want a future of walking on eggshells around a partner to avoid punishment for every mistake--is that how I'd want to live? Is that even a partner, or just a passive-aggressive fair weather friend?

    As for building your self esteem and worth back up, that's nothing that anyone can 'take' from you. Self esteem is one term that means exactly what is says--it's not lover esteem, or friend esteem--it's SELF esteem. So while your willingness to settle for a BF who isn't fully invested in you might have reflected a willingness to test whether someone else's treatment will rise to what you deserve, you're now demonstrating a willingness to recognize that this guy will NOT be that guy.

    So your self respect is there, it just needed an unfortunate push to kick in. While grieving any loss of a relationship is difficult, it can also be the best time to get clear about what you're no longer willing to settle for from a potential partner. That's a good thing.

    Whenever your paths cross with this guy, I'd be civil and treat him as kindly as I would a stranger, but I certainly wouldn't invite or allow him to engage beyond pleasantries. His inability to recognize and appreciate your unique value speaks of his limitations rather than of any deficiency in you. I wouldn't consider his limits as a reflection on me, but rather, I'd consider this year as my tuition paid for a lesson in what I WANT from an equal partner. I'd never again settle for anything less.

    Head high, you can do this.

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