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Thread: How should I deal with the fact he's already with someone else?

  1. #1
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    How should I deal with the fact he's already with someone else?

    Hello, forum!

    In an effort to keep it short: My boyfriend (or ex now I guess) and I mutually agreed to take a break a month ago for the exclusive reason of working on ourselves and our life situations, and then have a 'talk' to give us one more chance. It's been an amazing relationship full of support and adventures, but I personally needed to address some issues and process some life events. It's been going great until two weeks ago he posted on his Snapchat story that he was on a date with another guy and then posted a pic of the other guy in his bed. That made this whole ordeal so much worse for me, like unbelievably hard. I cannot believe he broke our promise to not talk to others after two weeks of being apart (he was the type to dread losing me and would break down at the thought of me going away).

    Last night I snapped at a co-worker (I'm being treated badly at work) and called my mom and broke down. My mother said I am a tornado of emotions and that I have always been when dealing with relationship stuff, she recommended that I cool down and compartmentalize my emotions. I love the idea but I have no idea what that means or how to do it, and the fact my ex is already talking with another guy is legitimately too much for me to handle. I don't have proof but I am almost certain they have had sex and are creating a new bond while I'm here still sleeping with a shirt of his that I have trying to improve myself for myself and for him.

    How should I treat this new revelation that there is someone new? I'm sure there's a bias against me since he doesn't want to help me or give me a chance right now and is probably more than happy to stick with someone whos making him happy in the moment. Should I assume that they're hooking up and talking nonstop? Or do I try to assume the best and believe that he is not having sex and that this new person is just someone he's met in order to have more friends to work on his social anxiety?

    Thank you <3

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Are you aware of the things that you need to improve on (on your side of things)? This situation doesn't look promising. I think you're in danger of feeding yourself an illusion that you're just on a temporary break when it's really over. Normally people in their right mind don't post photos in bed with someone else or on dates with someone else. Try being a bit more real with yourself and come back to reality. The relationship seems over.

    You said in your last paragraph that "he doesn't want to help you". What type of help in particular do you think you need?

    To answer your header question: you deal by not feeding yourself illusions and face reality. It's over. Take him off your social media. Those photos are inappropriate and vulgar/not classy. Don't associate with people who air out their personal business publicly that way.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    You need to stop monitoring his social media and go no contact. Expecting a break that would entail exclusively was unrealistic imo.

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    I am aware of the issues I need to address. I've been under a lot of pressure being two time zones away from home at college, financial pressures because my loan processed way too late, and I do dwell on the past so previous incidents where people have hurt me come and haunt me often. I've been making great progress addressing all of these and I feel a lot better. I understand and expect the relationship to be over for good, but sometimes he has anxiety/depression breakdowns and I was always the one to help him out, I'm the kind of person to throw my feelings to the side and put someone who is in pain number one priority. I was just hoping for the same from him but he hasn't shown the slightest interest in helping me other than asking "what can I do".

    Clio I agree that it is not realistic, I was under the illusion that we were going to try again because that's what we agreed upon, promised, and 100% made the purpose of taking the break.

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    (he was the type to dread losing me and would break down at the thought of me going away).
    Hence why he made it so you would still be there if things with the new guy don't work out.

    but sometimes he has anxiety/depression breakdowns and I was always the one to help him out,
    You are nt a psychiatrist so stop trying to be one to him or any one else going forward. White Knight syndrome and codependency issues on your part should be looked into with the help of a good therapist.

    I'm the kind of person to throw my feelings to the side and put someone who is in pain number one priority.
    Losing yourself in others is not an attribute, it is a blatant sign of codependency issues and it is caretaking which is the dysfunctional opposite of caregiving.

    You can't be a martyr and expect someone to be just as you are. That is the epitome of having great expectations.

    I suggest you do the mental work you need to do to accept that if he has another man in his bed then he's having sex with him, consider you broken up (or text him that you are finished with him so that you actually can accept the end because you've ended it) and then get yourself into therapy with a psychologist proficient in codependency issues. You will thank yourself that you have when you've learned about proper boundaries and love of self.

    Be glad its over, you clearly were not meant to be if you were going on "breaks" hoping that the two of you could improve on yourselves without the help of the professionals that can truly help you to change.

    Good luck going forth.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Dimka
    I am aware of the issues I need to address. I've been under a lot of pressure being two time zones away from home at college, financial pressures because my loan processed way too late, and I do dwell on the past so previous incidents where people have hurt me come and haunt me often. I've been making great progress addressing all of these and I feel a lot better. I understand and expect the relationship to be over for good, but sometimes he has anxiety/depression breakdowns and I was always the one to help him out, I'm the kind of person to throw my feelings to the side and put someone who is in pain number one priority. I was just hoping for the same from him but he hasn't shown the slightest interest in helping me other than asking "what can I do".

    Clio I agree that it is not realistic, I was under the illusion that we were going to try again because that's what we agreed upon, promised, and 100% made the purpose of taking the break.
    It's probably a good idea to take a step back at this point and ask yourself whether you should be putting yourself out there for this person anymore. It's not healthy to throw your feelings aside on anything (your thoughts and instincts on the matter). Maybe you'd be open to unpacking why you feel you need to do this in order to feel close to someone or in order to feel loved. There's always a give and take but disregarding your thoughts and own feelings on any given matter is a red flag. All those things help a person discern whether a situation is good or not or whether a course of action should be taken or not. You might benefit a lot too from learning to say No and establishing boundaries of what you're ok and not ok with. Saying No does not make you a lesser person.

    Try and let go of those illusions. It will hurt a lot but it'll also bring reality back into focus and allow you hopefully to restart your life without this negative influence (or without the influence of someone who doesn't want to be a part of your life).

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    Thank you for the advice and I am going to do the best I can. This is the second time I've been dumped when I believe in a better future. I have never removed myself from someone else because I always hoped they'd realize that we can do better and come back in a way.

    Although I am scared of it happening, I am going to put my hand up and take myself away.

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Dimka
    Thank you for the advice and I am going to do the best I can. This is the second time I've been dumped when I believe in a better future. I have never removed myself from someone else because I always hoped they'd realize that we can do better and come back in a way.

    Although I am scared of it happening, I am going to put my hand up and take myself away.
    Look into getting that therapy. You are forming a romantic relationship pattern of not know when to walk away when you are not being treated well or with reciprocation.

    Good luck going forth.

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    That sucks and Im sure it felt like a punch in the gut when you saw this other new guy. You probably had a panic attack, were in shock, confused, didn't know what to do and you had a flood of emotions all at one time. Oh, I have the T-shirt to prove that Ive been there.
    This is a lesson to be learned. If Im with someone or I hear or read the someone posts that their partner wants a 'break' to work on themselves.. that's code for "I want to break up".. Reasons like "I need to find myself, I need to focus on my work, school, career, studies, my penguin encounter" Whatever the reason for a "break" is really saying "I don't want to be in a committed or exclusive relationship with you". Also, the promise of we will talk in XX weeks or months or revisit our relationship is a way to give you hope and not to view this as a break up. Use this as a lesson for the next relationship you are in because the one you were in is over.
    You asked what should you do. If I could give you advice, Id say just admit that it is over and please don't ask questions that youll never get an answer to. I know we all do it but asking things like "was it all real, did he never love me" and things like that are just ways that your mind starts to protect itself. What matters now is you. You are a good person, you work hard and all you have to do is say he had his chance, and he lost out. Then use this time to work on you and find that happy person that attracted your X in the first place. Don't worry, someone else will come along...and that person will be better for you. There is always someone better.

    I know you are confused, and have no idea whats going on. How did this happen, where did they meet, did he lie, when did he have time, I thought he didn't have time and all those questions you have you have to now toss out the window because in the whole grand scheme of things. They no longer matter. I know its far easier said than done. But let me see if I can put it in a very simple term and hope you can use this... It just didn't work out. I use that term and it clears me of all questions. Why did he lie? It didn't work out.. How did this happen? It didn't work out and so on. Don't go back and think if you could of saved the relationship, nothing you did was wrong, you didn't mess up, you can hold your head up high and say you were a great partner. He just found someone who he thought was better for him and if I read it correctly.. someone in his area.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Did this breakup have anything to do with you not publicly admitting to being gay/bi?

    If not what issues required you to tackle apart instead of together.

    Sometimes we romanticize a breakup so it hurts less, I think considering him very publicly dating someone else maybe reality was a bit more bleaker than your acknowledging.

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