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Thread: How should I deal with the fact he's already with someone else?

  1. #11
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    Ok... this is going to sound strange to you because I think you view yourself as a very caring person (and Iím sure you are)... but I think you need to work on your empathy. Hear me out.

    Empathy is the practice of putting yourself in another's shoes and understanding how they are feeling.

    ďBreaksĒ generally donít work. They will often take even the most confident, well-adjusted of us and send you into a tailspin. They are, by definition, unclear. What are the rules? Can you talk to other people? Is it really just a prolonged breakup? Are they wanting out? You are taking the relationship and putting it on shaky ground. Itís doesnít just make someone feel insecure - itís literally telling them that the relationship is, in fact, not in a secure place. Thatís why they often donít work. Not many of us enjoy being in an insecure place.

    ... but then you are saying that your partner suffers from anxiety. People with anxiety automatically go to the worst possible scenarios in their minds. So - you take this anxious person and you put them on shaky ground - one that even those of us without anxiety would have a hard time with. Is it really a wonder that they assumed the worst and this happened? I mean... it was predictable, no?

    ... and to figureitoutís point... if you wouldnít publicly ďclaimĒ him either... I mean... that just adds to the shaky ground?

    ... but also adding to the ďempathyĒ thing - snapping at coworkers is kind of the same thing. Did they deserve that? How did it make them feel? Were you taking out your frustrations on innocent people?

    Anyways - food for thought.

    ... but yes, empathy even now in the breakup would be helpful, IMO. Understanding what drove others to do what they do often helps. It doesnít mean you should get back together... if you didnít feel you could stay and work through it, itís probs for the best - you arenít ready for a relationship and you need time and space - but maybe that can help you move on without hate. It just wasnít the right time, place and situation for the two of you. But you are still young. There will be other guys. Keep working on yourself and the right situation will eventually find you, Iím sure.

  2. #12
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    Figureitout my sexuality and my dating a guy publically has been a battle for years and I let my ex know that. He had open ears and wanted to know about my issues and offered help for how I can get there.

    But I understand it is over. So what should my exit strategy be? Just stop responding? I have a few emotional 'final letters' that have my final words, do I just call him out and block him... what would be the most effective way to remove myself knowing the fact he still loves me (I'm not sure how strong it is, my guess is he just cares about my health as a human and nothing more) while also eluding to the fact that I believe so hard that we can reconcile sometime.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by RedDress
    You are taking the relationship and putting it on shaky ground. Itís doesnít just make someone feel insecure - itís literally telling them that the relationship is, in fact, not in a secure place. Thatís why they often donít work. Not many of us enjoy being in an insecure place.

    ... but also adding to the ďempathyĒ thing - snapping at coworkers is kind of the same thing. Did they deserve that? How did it make them feel? Were you taking out your frustrations on innocent people?
    I am starting to realize that now, so I guess it is for the best that I go away. Although the relationship was shaky and unsure, I have expressed my interest and dedication to do my part to work on that. But if he doesn't feel the same then I am powerless.
    Also yes, my coworker kind of deserved it, I stood up for myself and my fellow coworkers who have been bullied and treated unfairly. I think if I didn't have the pressure of this break up I would have not confronted the employee, but I'd feel the same.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Dimka
    Figureitout my sexuality and my dating a guy publically has been a battle for years and I let my ex know that. He had open ears and wanted to know about my issues and offered help for how I can get there.

    But I understand it is over. So what should my exit strategy be? Just stop responding? I have a few emotional 'final letters' that have my final words, do I just call him out and block him... what would be the most effective way to remove myself knowing the fact he still loves me (I'm not sure how strong it is, my guess is he just cares about my health as a human and nothing more) while also eluding to the fact that I believe so hard that we can reconcile sometime.
    And thatís ok, thatís your reality, your battle is your truth, guess what? Doesnít make it any less hurtful.

    The irony that he is very publicly displaying his love where you refused to is not lost on me.

    Really think about where your head is at, I realize at 19 thatís hard, youíre still learning who you are, youíre still navigating your sexuality again all understandable, you must recognize your hurtful actions can and probably will cause others to hurt you in kind.

    If Iím with someone in a relationship and they feel they are just Ďgetting it out of their syatemí And they will marry someone of the opposite sex eventually... I donít know that Iíd feel bad for walking away in a petty manner, Iím just being honest, at 19? Oh Iíd be hella petty.

    Recognize your actions have consequences, you can hurt others too.

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