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Thread: Manipulation?

  1. #1
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    Manipulation?

    So long story short my bf has issues with me and I have issues with him, I wanted him to work on his anger because he would lash out at me often when we talked and now he does it less often so he worked on himself. Now he says since he worked on himself he wants me to work on myself and I had asked him to make me a list of things he wanted me to change and he made me one. Being heard, not cutting him off, not assuming and no pushing. So I've slipped. A few times (I got mad at his comments and cut him off when he was talking and didn't text or call enough while I was out of town) so now we're restarting the *probation period* so this way we can see if I can change for real.

    It was Yesterday he asked if I would agree to do a month probation again and I agreed cuz I wanna try to make things work between us and if it means I have to prove myself I will, I asked if he could see someone for himself too so that way we can both work towards making our relationship better and not just me, he said no that he needed me to change first then he would think about changing so I agreed, today I asked him if he would see a couple's Councillor with me during my month probation so that maybe it would be easier for me to change my reactions to his comments since his comments are sometimes demeaning but he doesn't see that he just thinks I should not get mad at anything he does. Anyways he got mad at me cuz he said that I already asked him 3 times yesterday, ( I didn't), I told him that I didn't and I asked if he would see a therapist alone to work on himself, then he gives me for defending myself about it and cutting him off then says I already ed up my probation by cutting him off and defending myself and says either I follow the rules he gives me or I leave, so I agreed and said sorry about it and hung up (I don't wanna make him more mad so he looses it and starts yelling) it's like even if the information he says about me is not right I'm not aloud to defend it cuz he'll get upset! I have to agree with him! I didn't ask him to see a couple's councillor with me yesterday it was for him to get help but then this is how he treats me when I do something he doesn't like! It's like he's got power over me! It's nuts!! I feel like I have to cater to his feelings and emotions and ignore mine all the time like I don't matter, It's like nomatter what he's the boss and I have no say in anything and I have to listen and obey him now. What do you think? Is this crazy the way he's treating me? I just feel like he's got control of what I say and how I feel now it's pretty scary. So when he tells everyone that I don't listen to his wants and needs this is one of them, I cut him off and defend myself lol but as you can see it's for my own good but he just makes me look bad and it's not, it's just me trying to not let him make things up about me.

    When he talks to me he also says things like listen to me and shut up and listen I'm speaking and just talks to me like hes my boss and it's really freaky! I feel like I would need to put him in his place to not let him have power over me like this but I don't know how.


    Thank you for listening guys!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    I’m sorry but this “probation” stuff is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Either you’re in the relationship together or you’re not. And him saying “no I need you to work on yourself first and if you do well then I’ll work on myself.” What!? That is so stupid! You both should be working on yourselves always! You shouldn’t have to earn respect and effort from each other.

    Having said that, I get his point about you cutting him off. That would totally infuriate me as well. He’s trying to tell you what he’s upset about but all you hear is how he is wrong about XYZ. You aren’t listening to him with the intention to understand why he’s upset. You’re listening for the things you find incorrect so you can snap back and set him straight. That’s your issue. When he’s telling you what’s wrong, shut your mouth and listen to what he’s saying and try to imagine how you’d feel if you were in his shoes. Perception is reality, so when he tells you “you were rude” it doesn’t matter if you think you were rude or not. The point is (his reality is) that you made him feel like you were being rude to him, and you should feel bad for that. And when you respond with empathy and understanding instead of telling him his feelings are wrong, I bet his reactions will change as well.

    You can’t control him so stop telling yourself that he’s the problem. He may be part of it, but not the part you can fix. You can control yourself, so your behavior is what you should start with.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Wow, this is the most insanely toxic thing I've seen on these boards in a long time.

    What are you doing?!

    Do you honestly think that this is what a relationship looks like? He sounds like a walking, breathing personality disorder and is controlling and abusive and you seem completely oblivious to that. You can't fix him, so stop playing this insane game. Get away from him and stay away. Get some counseling for yourself to get your head screwed on straight and figure out what a healthy relationship looks like, because what you are engaging in isn't even close to sane, let alone healthy.

    Btw, I don't agree with above poster that you are causing his psycho behavior. Sorry, but his actions would drive a saint insane. Disordered people can and will make you, OP, act and react in bad ways. They will provoke you because they are NOT operating on any kind of a rational level. You can't talk to them, you can't reason with them, you will end up getting pulled into their crazy vortex and they mean to pull you in. A case of don't wrestle with a pig because you'll both get muddy, but the pig enjoys it. Only way is to get out, get away, and stay away from these cluster B disorders.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Your problem is that you're wasting your energy on someone who is emotionally abusive and doesn't know how to maintain boundaries ethically or respect another person. Your last sentence about the relationship in your last paragraph "I feel like I would need to put him in his place to not let him have power over me..." is you not thinking straight and responding to your ego. Take a step back and take a deep breath. In engaging with someone like this, you're also lowering yourself to that level and you're spiraling out. You're competing with someone who isn't worth competing with and he's targeting your weakness: your ego.

    Your way out is to learn to associate with better people and not engage with the very behaviours you innately feel are destructive or negative. Being stunned and annoyed in your initial reactions to him is on him (how inappropriate his behaviour is). Staying in an abusive relationship when you recognize that it is abusive is on you. Look up/read on resources for emotional abuse and learn to break that cycle.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You're with an angry emotionally abusive guy. It's incomprehensible why you are putting up with this no less inviting it by asking for a list of defects you supposedly have and being on "probation". Stop. Reflect. Does any of this make sense? Go to a therapist alone and confide what you have stated here. Do Not Discuss your therapy with this bf. He Does Not Want To Change. Why should he? You are acting like a badly-behaved dog in obedience school. What are you thinking?

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    I agree with last three posters (DF, Wise and Rose) and I'm glad they responded, saved me from doing so and getting all wound up in the process.

    Just to quickly add -- Sounds very much like he's playing some sick Dom/sub game with you, with all his rules, probation, obeyance, punishment.

    I actually felt a bit sick reading this, I hope for your sake you're able to see the toxicity of this, and leave!

    Best,
    Last edited by katrina1980; 07-12-2019 at 11:46 AM.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    either I follow the rules he gives me or I leave,
    Pack your bags and flip him the bird, girlfriend. You are not his dog who he is having a hard time potty training. I think that YOU should be the one to go to personal therapy so that you learn how to garner the self worth to kick d-bags like him to the curb the minute they start that kind of emotional manipulation, controlling, disrespectful and sociopathic behaviour with you.

    Call a professional therapist today (no putting it off) to help you to get away from him for good and to boost how you view your own worth. Right now, you don't even like you never mind love you.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Mel20192019
    So when he tells everyone that I don't listen to his wants and needs this is one of them, I cut him off and defend myself lol but as you can see it's for my own good
    You guys are responding as if her side is 100% truthful and objective. I’m sure if her bf posted his side of all this, we’d be telling him that he has a gf who doesn’t care to listen to what he needs and it’s no wonder he’s losing patience with her.

    Remember, there are two sides to every story and the truth is usually somewhere in the middle. I seriously doubt the poster is completely blameless while her bf is some horrible control freak on a power trip. That’s just how she’s painted him from her point of view, which is part of the problem.

    So many people here are so quick to whip out “abusive” talk. Pretty serious accusation when you’re not even looking at facts, you’re looking at someone’s skewed perception.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by indea08
    You guys are responding as if her side is 100% truthful and objective. I’m sure if her bf posted his side of all this, we’d be telling him that he has a gf who doesn’t care to listen to what he needs and it’s no wonder he’s losing patience with her.

    Remember, there are two sides to every story and the truth is usually somewhere in the middle. I seriously doubt the poster is completely blameless while her bf is some horrible control freak on a power trip. That’s just how she’s painted him from her point of view, which is part of the problem.
    Well, since we don't have his side of the story, we have to comment based on what we DO know. I'm seeing her as not having the boundaries in place to respect HERSELF and leave the guy whom she paints such a poor picture of. If he is as bad as she says he is, then why stay with him?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    If he is as bad as she says he is, then why stay with him?
    Exactly.

    Either he isn’t as bad as she says he is, or she’s got some issues that keep her in a codependent place (which pushes me to take her side of the story with a grain of salt).

    Regardless OP, all the advice is still the same. This isn’t a good relationship as is, so either take steps together to improve or walk away.

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