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Thread: Confused 😕

  1. #1
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    Confused 😕

    Hi please give me advice..I'm (47) bf (55) been dating for a year as of yesterday. I see him almost everyday...we have had some rocky times because i think he can't communicate properly and cold walls me sometimes..plus he told me he will never get married so i accepted that. 2 days ago he got mad at me for something extremly petty which i had to figure out what it was..he left without a good bye nothing..im like whats going on..when i tried to talk to him he told me to go home and go away he was extremely pissed that i went to his house wanting a explanation..how he reacted was so rude..he didnt text or call after that..yesterday was our anniversary i texted him.hello r u alive he responds no sarcastic i told him i think he should come over and talk and does he know what today is..he replies it's July 11th and i think i know what i should do..and that was it ..i can't believe he blew me off never came over or made any effort..and he was the one counting down to our anniversary and we were supposed to do something special even got him a expensive gift i purchased awhile ago..i told him im sorry i texted him i feel like a fool..please help me understand him..im so not into head games ps..these actions shows me that he doesnt care at all..im thinking he didnt wajt to buy me anything for it so.he purposely made a argument..is he bi polar im sorry but nothing makes sense..thank you for your help

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I would return the gift and tell him to hit the road. He sounds like a jerk.

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    Your boyfriend would need to be evaluated by a professional in order to properly diagnose him with any possible psychological problems. No one on this forum can tell you with 100% certainty of any specific mental disorders he may suffer from.

    I will say that the actions of your boyfriend are not reflective of a fully emotionally mature adult. He's essentially throwing an adult temper tantrum by giving you the silent treatment, expecting you to figure out what he is upset about instead of communicating his feelings to you directly, and his short, sarcastic responses. He is not able to handle conflict in a mature way, and at his age (55!) that is a red flag.......

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    I understand i didnt want any diagnosis, i was just saying the behavior is not the normal..yes immature at 55..who would have know at this age i would come across such issues....thank you for your help..i appreciate it very much..

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    He's not immature, he just doesn't give a crap about you and his actions clearly show that. Why haven't you broken up with him? He treats you with indifference and cruelty.

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    I like to look at both sides to a story, so I will give you my thoughts on how you can do better in addition to my thoughts on him.

    For you:
    - what is the “extremely petty” thing you argued about? What to you is extremely petty, to him may not be. Particularly if he reacted the way he did. Unless he’s trying to get you to break up with him.
    - showing up at someone’s house unannounced to argue with them is not cool. It’s just not. In this day and age of having all sorts of ways to contact someone, how hard is it to send a text or call to say “can I come over so we can talk?”. Ambushing someone is not ok. I would have asked you to leave too.
    - Saying “are you alive?” when you are on good terms can be cute. Saying it while things are rocky is passive aggressive. No one wants to talk to someone who is being passive aggressive.

    For him:
    Yes, this guy has serious communication issues and frankly, he’s not treating you with love and respect (which you can still do when you are mad at someone).

    ... but it’s odd to me that he went from all excited and counting down the anniversary to freaking out about the petty thing.

    Can you tell us more about the petty thing?

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    Ok what happened was we both ride motorcycles so we were going under a light and the light turns yellow I had no choice because it changed right while I was passing last time we were at that intersection he told me he didn't want to get a ticket because of the camera light obviously I'm very cautious but it did turn when I was underneath it so I was continuing to ride home which was down the street I look in my mirror and he's vanished I'm thinking maybe he's still at the light or maybe he went to the store gas station I go home waiting nothing half an hour passes 45 minutes passes I ride him you know hello everything okay where you at you know no answer yes I was wrong to go to his house but I was stunned and didn't know what happened we were on good terms everything was fine. I come to realize he probably doesn't have as much feelings for me as I do for him obviously you know actions show that and my insecurities and self-confidence made me stay with him longer than I should have but you know when you follow your heart not your mind sometimes that's a mistake to make.

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    Hi Harleygirl,

    I am pretty familiar with this type of behavior, so here’s my take fwiw.

    Him being so adamant about never marrying suggests he has at least some fears surrounding commitment.

    I talk about my brother a lot on this forum, who is in his 40s and also has commitment issues/fears, his are quite severe. And when dating a girl or in a relationship, right before a major holiday, especially a “couples” holiday such as an anniversary, he panics, withdraws and has been know to behave in very cruel ways.

    The significance of that holiday causes him a lot of anxiety and as a result he will treat his girlfriend at the time with what can only be described as mental cruelty – he will withdraw and if she pushes the issue (as you did), he will lash out – it’s all due to his anxiety and panic surrounding the holiday (and your relationship), in your case, your anniversary.

    Even though he was "counting down the days"prior to, as your anniversary approached, he started panicking. When you went over to his and asked “do you know what today is?” (i.e. your anniversary) in his panicked state of mind, he freaked out and lashed out, in a very cruel way.

    I am not saying that behavior is okay, it’s absolutely not okay by any stretch, just explaining what it might be so you can determine for yourself if you want to move forward with him or not, because I guarantee you even if you patch this up, it WILL happen again.

    If me, I would take all this as a MAJOR red flag and end it, but of course you need to do what's right for you.

    And again, this is just my opinion based on what I've read and experienced with my brother and in my own life.

    Good luck.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    He's not into you.
    I'm sorry.

    The longer you stay in this type of relationship where things aren't on equal footing and one person has checked out or never was there emotionally, you're already setting yourself up for a lot of problems. It's time for a reality check perhaps. Let this go and move on. This is not the person for you. There are hot, attractive, honest and genuine men who also ride motorcycles. You don't have to be with this one.

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    Yes thank you everyones imput is helping me see the main picture..i sacrificed alot for this relationship thinking.he eould see it and but in the end im the one who has to deal with the heartbreak..btw i know i shouldn't have gone over there that night he left..but i was dumbfounded..sometimes you will never get the answers nor closure that you deserve..i wish the best for everyone..ty again

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