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Thread: Unsure about the future with my boyfriend

  1. #11
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    I love him but recently (around the time of his graduation) he started behaving differently and being more distant. He stopped talking to me as much about his plans and would simply tell me about them (even the ones involving me, like dinner plans with his friends/work connections) and expecting me to follow along with it. Because of this my feelings have started to change and I am no longer sure if I love him or strongly like him. Another issue is that he had to go abroad and will be away for a few months. This time alone has given me time to reflect on the relationship and made me question my feelings.
    We started staying over at one anotherís places after the first few months of the relationship and we got along quite well and our lifestyles seemed quite compatible (with a few exceptions) and we decided to officially move in together after a year (so having basically lived together for 1/2 year- 1 year I guess we thought we knew each other at least to a certain degree and wanted to get to know one another more). His Ďbad waysí are how when we fight he just leaves and goes to smoke even when he told me he would completely quit (although this hasnít been an issue for a while, but is the cause of some trust issues). He has also hid many THC related items throughout the house when I told him I was uncomfortable with it and didnít want to date someone who is high 24/7 (luckily this also hasnít been much of an issue recently).

  2. #12
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    I love him but recently my feeling have started to decrease with the time apart, the recent changes in her personality (wanting to become a strong man who doesnít show any weakness or emotion and does not share his feelings, and also making plans (some of which involved me) without telling me in advance) and the differences we seem to have. He hasnít ever given much thought to what he wants for the future and doesnít know where he sees himself in a few months or a few years. I have talked to him and expressed that I am not ready to marry him as we still have many issues to work out and also since he doesnít have a clear idea of what he wants it is hard to compare our individual wants and needs. He however keeps mentioning how he is planning on getting an engagement ring once he has a stable job and has been telling his parents friends and coworkers that I am his fiancťe. The main reason why I say we have different education levels is because we are unable to have conversations about in depth topics or discuss things, the fact that he continuously tells me that he hates studying or reading and how he has been expelled from over 5 schools. The other reason is that he has been studying for over 8 years for a general degree which would normally take 8 months to complete (most jobs also do not consider this as a qualification, he also doesnít have any previous work experience which I think will make it difficult for him to find a job). He recently graduated and I am waiting for my graduation ceremony from a 4 year program which I completed in 3 years due to fast tracking. I have a full time job and plan on continuing that until the following year when I will apply to grad school to advance my career. I hopefully havenít been to hasty in my Ďjudgementsí and I donít look down on him as he has many redeeming qualities and has shown that he can put a lot of effort into things he is passionate about, he is also very extroverted and personable which makes it easy for him to make connections and do things many people canít.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You are wise to reconsider this situation. He sounds like trouble and as though you are a convenience, thus strings you along. Is he married or scheduled to have an arranged marriage in his country? Why does he have to "go abroad for months"? While he is gone, put his things in storage. Remove all the drugs, smoking paraphernalia and whatnot from your place. If you "don't want to date someone who's high 24/7" why are you with him and allowing drugs in your place?

    Start a self improvement and self confidence building program. Get to a doctor for a check up. Get in shape. Improve your image. New clothes, hair etc. Start taking some courses and classes and join some groups, clubs and sports. Revise and reset all your social media. Delete and block all his drug using people. You're a fool to have drugs in the home, unless of course you use them from time to time as well..

    Start reaching out more to friends, family, etc. Reconnect to your friends. Consider this the perfect time to break up. Simply pack up and store his things and hold them or bring them to one of his druggie friends to hold on to and change the locks. Tell him it's over and free yourself from this. He does not respect or care about you and prefers to be high, lies and jerk you around. Why are you doing this?
    Originally Posted by Jaki987
    - my feelings have started to change and I am no longer sure if I love him or strongly like him.
    -he had to go abroad and will be away for a few months.
    -His Ďbad waysí are how when we fight he just leaves and goes to smoke even when he told me he would completely quit
    -He has also hid many THC related items throughout the house
    -didnít want to date someone who is high 24/7 (luckily this also hasnít been much of an issue recently).

  4. #14
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    He is not married or arranged to be married. He needed to go back home for a family emergency which he openly discusses with me as it has been very tough on him. He luckily does not do any hardcore drugs (only THC) and is very against taking it himself (as am I). He has reduced his TCH intake and gets high less than once a month (also I know this wonít be much of an issue while he is away because there are very strict laws against it, unlike here where it is legalized). I have stayed because I have seen the improvements he has made and the positive changes he is taking in his life. I also believe that he does care about me (even if he sometimes makes rash decisions) but he has taken a lot of my feelings into consideration and has been trying to make this relationship work (as have I). Iím just not sure if this is enough anymore or whether it will work out in the long run.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    It's never necessary to build a 'case' against staying with anyone. The problem is that you live with him, and that creates a barrier to walking away freely if you want to. So I'd start with creating the mental safety net of having a plan for where you would live if you weren't living with him. If you can come up with that, then it doesn't need to be a weight on your decision.

    Nobody else is living our love life FOR us, so nobody else gets a vote in what we want for ourselves. There are no judges or juries, and you don't need to convince anyone but yourself that you are making the best choice for YOU.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Jaki, maybe this person was the light of your life at one point but I think you've both outgrown each other. I say this kindly because I've been in your place too (as I'm sure many others have been too). There's a lot of emotions still even though we realize one person isn't meant to be in our life. Eventually you'll have to expand and grow in other ways. Both of you should be able to grow in your own way.

    You can either have a heart to heart and really work on the relationship together or end it completely with no loose ends and just work on your future. I think you're wasting a lot of time and energy at this critical time before applications to grad school. Start thinking of solutions for the relationship or making peace or learn to move on without him. Are there any long term prospects at your current full time job? Is it in your field of study? Start branching out and building yourself. Think creatively and proactively about your career and shift those energies (spread/diversify your strengths and start making connections/finding others like you in your field or your study). I hope things are a bit smoother for you.

  8. #17
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    I have also given up socially drinking and cut ties with some of my friends for him. We donít get along with each otherís friends because most of his friends have drug/alcohol issues or smoke and my friends disapprove of him and find his lifestyle and personality too different

    That's a good reason not to get along with someone's friends.
    I think that you should break up, and next time don't live with a guy. Study abroad like you want to, etc, and don't feel obligated to marry a drug user for a VISA.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jaki987
    The main changes he made was that he quite smoking, which is what he lied about during the first few months (although this hasnít been an issue in the past year) and my main reason to distrust him. He has also reduced the amount of THC he takes. I have also given up socially drinking and cut ties with some of my friends for him. We donít get along with each otherís friends because most of his friends have drug/alcohol issues or smoke and my friends disapprove of him and find his lifestyle and personality too different (they also have issues with the age difference). When we fight (although we havenít fought in the past year) the first thing he does is go out and get a smoke. I have talked to him about this and told him how I donít like it when he does that and that I would rather he talks to me. Also, when I first found out he smoked I told him I didnít like it although I didnít want to force him to quit (but that if he wanted to smoke he should consider dating someone else).
    What is the point of having "deal breakers" like no dating a smoker because you don't like it, if you're just going to tear down that boundary/deal breaker to stay with them?

    Honour your own rules and dump him. He's a smoker, you don't like it. That alone is enough for you to have left him way before you moved in with him.

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