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Thread: Advice needed! I get depressed and angry whenever I see people out with their sp

  1. #1
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    Advice needed! I get depressed and angry whenever I see people out with their sp

    As a kid I always thought I'd get married and have kids, I literally looked forward to it but then reality hit and I realized it's not everyone's destiny. After dating around and having abusive relationships I kind of let that dream die and I grieved it. It's not in the cards for me and I've accepted that.

    Thing is, every once in a while I'll tune into a family vlog channel on YouTube or I'll see a cute family out and about and it makes me EXTREMELY sad and jealous.

    It makes me extremely jealous and resentful. Whenever friends complain about their marriage or kids, I feel this bitter energy inside me and I feel the green monster taking over.

    I just want to be a good friend and I don't want to be a jealous person. I'm in my mid twenties and as time goes on I will most likely run into more friends getting married and having children. I don't want to put that bad energy out in the universe because they're not to blame about my situation. They're all good people and I shouldn't have these jealous feelings about them. Sometimes I'll even cancel hang outs whenever a friend is trying to bring their kids along, I just dont want to put out that energy.

    My friends joke that I don't like kids or couples dates (even though I'm single. Basically 2 couples and me) when in reality, I love kids and I love hanging out with friends and their partners it's just that I struggle with the reminders.


    How can I fix this? Everytime I get single friends they end up finding someone, getting married and having kids.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It doesn't sound like you've healed from the abusive past or your dating fiascos. Don't be afraid to try again and be open to the idea of meeting someone new. This may be limiting you and causing you more frustration than anything (built up resentment).

  3. #3
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    Rchubn,
    You said that you are in your mid-twenties, you still have plenty of time to find "the one", don't rush it.

    First thing you need to remember is that women/men don't like negativity. So, you need to lighten up and think of all the positive things in every day, a positive outlook will attract the right one for you. Show people that you love being around them and children, they will be more likely to introduce you to their single friends. Be yourself, never put on an act to try to attract someone, you won't be happy with that partner and it won't work. Most of all, be confident, but not cocky. Self confidence always shines from the inside out and is the most attractive trait in anyone.

    I'm a 43 year old woman and I think that I have just now found "the one" for me. You're just getting started on your search. Take it from someone that has already made all the mistakes for you. Take your time, be picky, this is your lifetime bestfriend you're choosing and the mother/father of your children. You will get there, just be patient, stop looking so hard and it will find you at the most surprising moment.

    I hope this helps.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What the others are saying. Since you were not long ago posting about your ex I think itís safe to say that you are still very much working through that. Which is okay. Itís a process, canít be rushed, though I canít help but think youíre kind of rushing it by trying to reach massive, sweeping conclusions about how partnership, marriage, kids, and so on, isnít for you.

    The jealousy you feel? Iíd say thatís your spirit calling you on your own bs, your tender heart asserting itself over your aggressively protective mind and saying, ďHey? Iím still healing, but once I do I wouldnít mind another trip to the fair to see whatís what...Ē

    Youíre 24, 25, thereabouts? That means youíve been dating as a full adult for only 3-4 years, and active in the world of adult romance for probably less than a decade. Maybe a little early to opt out? Maybe the thing to grieve is just your last attempt so you can make room for more, healthier attempts rather than grieving the end of romantic dreams and causing yourself more heartache and turmoil in the process?

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  6. #5
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    Please don't give up if you like kids and want a relationship - I felt exactly the same in my 20s and 30s especially since my older sister got married young and started having kids shortly after. I got married and became a mom in my early 40s and endured tons of smug married comments for decades before I got married. Here's the truth - I've been on both sides. At least in "traditional" society it's easier to be married (or like married). It's not easier to be a parent unless you're a person who is really into "mom friends" and likes all the youth sports activities etc - I like people I click with. Some are moms, some are not (some are dads, some are not). If you want a well-rounded life being a parent can impede that unless you have grandparents around who are clamoring to babysit/are comfortable using nannies/sitters regularly and even then it certainly restricts freedom. I have zero regrets about the parenting-related restrictions but - that might be because I started so late that I had many years of traveling, dining out, theater, culture, etc without having to think about who will take care of the child (and in my case I also wasn't caring for an aging parent or relative - working more than full time of course also impedes that kind of freedom but in kind of a different way).

    Anyway I am not saying it's good that you're single and don't have children - I am saying that there are downsides to being married with a child so please remember -without being negative about bad marriages/divorce/bratty kids - that it's not all marital/parenting bliss despite what their social media photos look like lol. (I post no such photos, ever, of my child or family). Please do not give up. There are zero guarantees you will meet the right person, have or adopt a child - but don't give up, ok?

    I also suggest maybe volunteering with kids since you like being around kids. I did so for 7 years and quit when I got pregnant and the school I was volunteering in had chemical odors my first trimester self just couldn't tolerate in addition to my fatigue, etc. But those 7 years were so fun and rewarding and I am still in touch with a number of my fellow volunteers.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    When I began reading your post, I thought you were in your 40s so I could see your point. Then I found out you're only in your 20s! For heaven's sake, you still have plenty of time to attain marriage and family if this is your goal for happiness in your life. All is not doom and gloom.

    I was still in my 20s with marriage and family. It's not a hopeless situation.

    Stop tuning into family vlogs and youtube because it just reminds you to be in a 'Debbie Downer' mood all over again.

    You can fix this by not shutting the door to your possibilities in life. You're too negative. Try thinking positively and when you're ready, enter the dating world, weed out the bad apples and if you want, settle down with an eligible bachelor with high quality character. Take your time though. You can afford to be picky and choosy since you're only in your 20s. There are plenty of single men out there who desire marriage and family just like you do. It's not the end of the world for you, rchubn.

  8. #7
    Member gooseduck's Avatar
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    I am so sorry you are feeling sad. I am too, as I am going through a big breakup, but I wanted to say that I am sorry we are both grieving in different ways. But I have found this platform so incredibly helpful, there are some amazing people out in this world and I am reminded by the words of support, so I hope I can offer some here.

    Do you read? If so I have some really important books that may shift your entire perspective that creates a healthy and loving internal world inside of you, and disavows the evils of comparing yourself to others and what they have. If you are interested let me know. It seems like many people like to focus on what others have, and what they themselves lack, you, me, and the friends who complain about their spouses and family. I would start with a gratitude list and write down everything you are grateful in your life, look at it, or write a new one daily. It only takes 2 minutes a day and will start to put in motion what the happiest monks in the world know, which is gratitude may shift your worldview. OF course there are many other things that need to be done for that shift, but thats a great and simple step to start with.

    Sending you love.

  9. #8
    Member gooseduck's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=Cherylyn;7157049]When I began reading your post, I thought you were in your 40s so I could see your point. Then I found out you're only in your 20s! For heaven's sake, you still have plenty of time to attain marriage and family if this is your goal for happiness in your life. All is not doom and gloom.

    I dont think her age really matters here, we dont want to dismiss how she is feeling just bc of anyones age, but address that there are some fundamental ways in her perspective is doing her a huge disservice in life. rchub, you can shift your view so that you can be a happier, healthier person and feel less depressed.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=gooseduck;7157081]
    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    When I began reading your post, I thought you were in your 40s so I could see your point. Then I found out you're only in your 20s! For heaven's sake, you still have plenty of time to attain marriage and family if this is your goal for happiness in your life. All is not doom and gloom.

    I dont think her age really matters here, we dont want to dismiss how she is feeling just bc of anyones age, but address that there are some fundamental ways in her perspective is doing her a huge disservice in life. rchub, you can shift your view so that you can be a happier, healthier person and feel less depressed.
    I was merely telling her that statistically the odds are in her favor due to her younger age of only being in her 20s. There are more eligible bachelors available who don't have baggage yet such as ex's, children, financial commitments (child support) and there's a bigger pool for her to choose from due to being younger than middle aged. I wrote what I wrote because she feels discouraged from ever attaining marriage and family. All is not hopeless especially because OP is still young!

  11. #10
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    Could you elaborate on why you think it's not in the cards for you to get married? It sounds like you've already given up and resigned that it won't happen, but why do you think that? I understand that being in abusive relationships probably tarnished your outlook on dating and marriage but your age is definitely not a problem. These days people are getting married in their 30's.

    I only just found the right person and getting married in January next year when I'll be 35. The thing is that I don't think you can exactly find someone to get married unless the guy was in his late 20's- in his 30's. I think most guys in their mid 20's these days have no interest in marriage. So it's not surprising that you're not married yet because guys your age would not be looking for marriage.

    I totally relate to jealousy because I felt the same. When I was 25 my best friend called me and left a voicemail saying her partner proposed and she sent me a photo of her engagement ring. I felt so jealous that I didn't call her back at first but just cried and got drunk on a bottle of wine!

    I think you should try to channel that jealousy into motivation to get what you want. I think I found by fiance by putting myself out there and going after what I wanted.

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