Is the damage beyond repair?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 6 years. We love each other but are in different places financially in terms of amounts and our values towards money. I am very comfortable with working on my life and saving and ready to consider retirement in a few years. He has only get a very modest Savings account and works a job and collects social security. The amount is one thing but hE has lied in the past in terms of how much money he owes in that type a thing.

We broke up briefly over this issue a few times and after we are last reconciliation last year he swore to me he was going to be more transparent for the most part he has been. However I can’t seem to regain my trust in him from this perspective. As a result I check certain sources to see if he’s telling truth and have found that for the most part yes but not in all cases. Because of this we don’t live together until I feel comfortable but the reality is I never feel comfortable because he has lied in the past . Given this, I’m not sure if we have a future since I think need to put together until the hassle together at some point. D he gets extremely upset when he knows I don’t believe him checked things to see it is. We had one of the fights last night and I asked him why he wasn’t being straight with me in terms of his rent payment and he screamed at me and cursed at me and stormed out of my house he then called me a little while later and said he wasn’t apologizing but felt bad but I should apologize for not believing him and accusing him of something not true and see checking on his records to see if he was telling the truth. He said I could have asked differently instead of accusing him. I did let him know that I was sorry I told him the question earlier that day

I asked was whether he was paying all his bills on time he answered in a very odd way instead of answering yes he said yes in time to avoid any interest penalties. That seemed suspicious to me which is why I start looking into whether he paid his rent on time. I knew that he was already low in his account in terms of money. He claims that the rent website was down for several days and therefore had to pay by check later. . This may or may not be true but I’m not really sure this is the Realization between us. It all comes down to trust. This is beyond repair?

As two seperate independent people with no actual financial ties , I don’t think it’s any of your business what he spends his money on or how he manages his finances.

If you were married , then yes it would be. Because marriage is a financial union amongst other things.

There has been no proposal of marriage.

I understand that if you were to get married you would like to think that finances won’t be an issue.

But he is who he is. He clearly manages ok (unless of course you are subsidising him?)

If you can’t get past the issue of finances and won’t stop invading his privacy , then you should let him go.

People differ in how they manage their finances and what’s important to them re spending and enjoying life in the moment or saving for the future.

You clearly are incompatible that way and it’s now causing other issues.

He has a history and track record of lying. He swore that he was going to be more transparent. As you've found, for the most part yes he's transparent but not in all cases.

He screams and curses at you which are very bad signs of explosive, unreasonable temper and anger management issues. Those are red flags in addition to having a clear conscience with his habitual lying.

With his answer to you, I thought it was ok to tell you yes, he paid them in time to avoid any interest penalties. He clearly said he paid them on time in order to prevent interest penalties. He didn't simply answer yes. He explained it to you. Good thing you let him know you were sorry.

Nonetheless, I see your point with your serious trust issues with him. I doubt you'll ever trust him. If you'll never fully and unequivocally trust him nowadays and in the future, your relationship is doomed for failure. Trust is huge. Without trust, all relationships (including friendships) are basically dead.

I agree with Billie28. You shouldn't be on his case regarding when he paid his bills, what his checking account balance is and snooping into his personal finances. He's not your husband nor legally bound to you.

If you co-habitated / lived with him, that's a different story especially if you share living expenses such as rent, food, insurance, utilities and other monthly household expenses. However, since you reside separately, you need boundaries regarding individual finances.

Sometimes screaming and cursing at another is not a red flag.

Sometimes it comes from a place of sheer frustration when trying to logically argue an illogical topic.

I actually feel more empathy for the guy (I’m female) because he shouldn’t have to answer to her wrt to HIS finances when they are essentially none of her business.

The ONLY time finances should be discussed is IF there is a possibility of joining finances .

Living together doesn’t mean joining finances if renting, buying a house together or marriage is.

OP, how exactly are you snooping on his finances??? And is it legal?

You are not married or living together and you are not his mom and he yelled and screamed because you are acting like mommy. Go find someone who meets your criteria fully that’s what everyone should do . Never try to push someone into the peg hole you want them to fit into .

How old are you, OP? I ask because you mentioned that you would like to retire “in a few years”.

I ask because when it comes to retirement - those are vastly different timelines for someone to get their act together and it’s kind of a different answer that I have...

If you are older (ie: in your 50s or older) - I think your fear comes from having to support him in retirement? Or giving up half your assets? (Which might be substantial at this point). If this is the case and you are contemplating living together, my advice would be to see a lawyer. There are things you can do to protect your assets (for example, a cohabitation agreement). You may not wish to marry him - but if you are at this age, the idea of having children together, etc. is long gone - so is marriage even necessary/a goal? As long as he works and you recognize that he may always have to work, I’m not sure that it’s an insurmountable problem.

... but - I agree that harassing him and pointing out his flaws is not helpful. It only serves to make him feel bad. He’s not good at money. Know it. Act accordingly. Know that if you live together, you are the better one to manage the finances and ask for money to be deposited in a joint account right off the top of each paycheck. Is money the only thing he lies about?

If you are younger, my answer is slightly different because you have more time to turn things around. Do you want marriage? Kids? What is the goal here? Is it that you would prefer someone who can provide for you?

But either way, I agree that continuing to harp on him is not the answer.

There can be no relationship without trust. This is beyond repair, you don't trust him.

Didn't you post about this guy before? If you are still stalling about letting him move in, that's fine. Don't let him move in. Are you lending him money or in other ways involved financially? How are his finances any of your business? If you do not trust him or the way he handles money, don't let him move in. Same advice as last time you posted about him.

Because of this we don’t live together until I feel comfortable but the reality is I never feel comfortable because he has lied in the past

What do you ultimately want to come out of this relationship? It seems like after 6 years of dating, you have not been discussing marriage or owning property together. I have to echo the concerns of others - why are you prying into his finances? Unless you are looking for someone to support you financially (which it doesn't seem you need with your financial health and retirement around the corner), or are hoping to eventually marry him, I too don't understand why you are going to such lengths to check up on him.

I'm suspicious that what concerns you most is the lying, which would certainly worry me as well in your shoes, but might be the product of him feeling unnecessarily lectured/ judged for his finances to the point of humiliation.

Not okay for him to yell and curse you out - ever. But if I were in his shoes I'd be highly annoyed by my SO constantly doing background checks on me. If there's no trust, why are you even wasting his time?

He used his mother’s money temporarily to pay bills but she’s on Medicaid and he earns enough to pay his own bills or so it seems. He did reimburse her after I told him it’s wrong but he reluctantly did do saying it’s his money too not so fast I said she’s not dead yet!

He used his mother’s money temporarily to pay bills but she’s on Medicaid and he earns enough to pay his own bills or so it seems. He did reimburse her after I told him it’s wrong but he reluctantly did do saying it’s his money too not so fast I said she’s not dead yet!

It’s still none of your business.

If you don’t want to get entangled with someone financially , then don’t.

But also don’t berate him for his decisions that have nothing to do with you.

I just can’t believe that you have some sort of underhand way of checking his finances. To me, that’s the only red flag here.

It’s still none of your business.

If you don’t want to get entangled with someone financially , then don’t.

 

But also don’t berate him for his decisions that have nothing to do with you.

 

I just can’t believe that you have some sort of underhand way of checking his finances. To me, that’s the only red flag here.

Full authority he gave me full authority to check his finances sometime ago because I didn’t trust what he had to say so I can sure of myself. Unfortunately some of what I learned is OK but other things either and is not OK. He has talked about living together and that’s all he wants to do is live together therefore his finances are very much my concern. He’s made me promises to pay me a certain amount of money every month towards the house with expenses I really don’t think I can rely on him to pay much of anything except once he gets to my house I’ll have a hell of a time getting them out

Find someone with finances in order. Period.

He used his mother’s money temporarily to pay bills but she’s on Medicaid and he earns enough to pay his own bills or so it seems. He did reimburse her after I told him it’s wrong but he reluctantly did do saying it’s his money too not so fast I said she’s not dead yet!

Oh ok - you don’t respect him. Yes, it’s over.

... but seriously, you should just end it. Sticking around and continuously checking up on him and pointing out his flaws is abusive. Just end it.

You are not married or living together and you are not his mom and he yelled and screamed because you are acting like mommy. Go find someone who meets your criteria fully that’s what everyone should do . Never try to push someone into the peg hole you want them to fit into .

He's financially irresponsible. So what? So are a hundred thousand others you're not obligated to move in with. Add him to the list and move on. You know you're rolling the dice regardless, so no, his finances aren't your business regardless of how long you two have "considered" moving in together. And honestly, should you two actually decide to live together, up to and when he actually falls through on giving you rent come the 1st of that month, his finances still won't be your business.

Stop going through the guy's **** and probing on matters that are of no concern to you. Buy a pinata if you need something to smack around, even if just proverbially.

1. On again, off again relationships mean the relationship isn't the right one for you. One or both don't care enough to stay together to work on problems and easily let the the other go, knowing there might not be a reconciliation.

2. If he's collecting social security, it means he's likely in his mid 60s. He is where he is because that's how he chooses to run his life and finances after 45 years in the work world. And now you think he'll all of a sudden make a major change in that area that you'll be happy with? If the only way you'll be happy with a person is if he will change in a major way, move on. People rarely change, and hoping they will is wasted time you could be using to find someone who does match you in all the important ways.

As his girlfriend (versus his mother) where did you learn that your boyfriend's finances are any of your business?

And to the extent that they are, hassling him the way you do? It seems quite oppressive to say the least!

You said he gave you permission to check? And what led to him giving you permission?

Rhetorical question of course, obviously it was your continual hassling him about it.

I'm sorry I found your actions cringeworthy, way over the top and out of line, no wonder he blew up at you the way he did.

My advice is to break up with him, clearly you don't respect him nor even like him very much; yes the damage done is beyond repair.

This description is one of a very unhealthy dating relationship for the both of you - instead of a romantic relationship, this seems like you both are living out the roles of a mother attempting to control her adult son. The story should have ended at the point of having a need to check his finances and his feeling the need to allow that. Not sure what happened in your both of your pasts to think this is all fine. If the bottom line is for the both of you to carry on by having something to yell and complain about endlessly, then this is perfect for you both.

If there is any goal for a healthy relationship, you both will need to find someone else who will not allow for falling into a mother/son role pattern.

This description is one of a very unhealthy dating relationship for the both of you - instead of a romantic relationship, this seems like you both are living out the roles of a mother attempting to control her adult son. The story should have ended at the point of having a need to check his finances and his feeling the need to allow that. Not sure what happened in your both of your pasts to think this is all fine. If the bottom line is for the both of you to carry on by having something to yell and complain about endlessly, then this is perfect for you both.

 

If there is any goal for a healthy relationship, you both will need to find someone else who will not allow for falling into a mother/son role pattern.

It became relevant when we started talking about living together. Also morally important to me because he served a year for check kiting 15 years ago but blames it on his deceased brother who masterminded it he claims. I want to believe him and know he is an honorable guy who got caught up in something he shouldn’t have.

It may (or may not) be relevant but nevertheless it still does not give you the right to go snooping and then proceeding to hassle him about what you found.

The fact you think it is your right and your business suggests some very warped thinking about relationships and our respective roles within that relationship.

Good luck.

Is he better than having no boyfriend? I think it's none of your business if he's paying his bills and rent on time and that you have no business looking into his finances. You arent married to him, so what's it to you? You obviously dont trust him.

Don't move in together. His financial habits won't change. If you need a roommate to defray costs find a more financially trustworthy and reliable roommate. It's that simple. Stop micromanaging his finances. Manage your own better.

He has talked about living together. He’s made me promises to pay me a certain amount of money every month towards the house with expenses I really don’t think I can rely on him to pay much of anything except once he gets to my house I’ll have a hell of a time getting them out

OP, I think the bottom line is, what do you want for yourself in the future??

If you’re looking toward retirement, are you wanting to travel? Move away? Pick up hobbies? Get married? Live together? If so, I think his finances are absolutely your business. I wouldn’t buy a used car without checking under the hood, and I certainly wouldn’t enter any kind of partnership situation without knowing their financial responsibility. I don’t think I would have bothered trying to force him to correct his financial issues though, I want a responsible man who knows how to do that on his own. I’m not interested in being someone’s white horse.

Could you be happy existing alongside each other? Not living together, not getting married, but just being together? If so, then I would argue more that his finances are his business and not your problem.

I think you should do some honest digging within yourself to determine exactly what you need to be happy in the future, and then decide if this guy can be apart of it. Just based on what you’ve written here, and the discontent and lack of trust you’ve described, I’m thinking you’d be happier leaving him behind, but only you can make that call.

OP, I think the bottom line is, what do you want for yourself in the future??

 

If you’re looking toward retirement, are you wanting to travel? Move away? Pick up hobbies? Get married? Live together? If so, I think his finances are absolutely your business. I wouldn’t buy a used car without checking under the hood, and I certainly wouldn’t enter any kind of partnership situation without knowing their financial responsibility. I don’t think I would have bothered trying to force him to correct his financial issues though, I want a responsible man who knows how to do that on his own. I’m not interested in being someone’s white horse.

 

Could you be happy existing alongside each other? Not living together, not getting married, but just being together? If so, then I would argue more that his finances are his business and not your problem.

 

I think you should do some honest digging within yourself to determine exactly what you need to be happy in the future, and then decide if this guy can be apart of it. Just based on what you’ve written here, and the discontent and lack of trust you’ve described, I’m thinking you’d be happier leaving him behind, but only you can make that call.

Yes I agree with this -I'd date him but not to a serious extent where it involves actual finances - he is not going to change but you have to change and stop your meddling - and it really will be none of your business if he's just someone you date but do not live with or share finances with. Your story about the check kiting was alarming given all of the other stuff you've uncovered.

Have him consent to a credit check.