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Thread: Is the damage beyond repair?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Is he better than having no boyfriend? I think it's none of your business if he's paying his bills and rent on time and that you have no business looking into his finances. You arent married to him, so what's it to you? You obviously dont trust him.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Don't move in together. His financial habits won't change. If you need a roommate to defray costs find a more financially trustworthy and reliable roommate. It's that simple. Stop micromanaging his finances. Manage your own better.
    Originally Posted by Suec
    He has talked about living together. Heís made me promises to pay me a certain amount of money every month towards the house with expenses I really donít think I can rely on him to pay much of anything except once he gets to my house Iíll have a hell of a time getting them out

  3. #23
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    OP, I think the bottom line is, what do you want for yourself in the future??

    If youíre looking toward retirement, are you wanting to travel? Move away? Pick up hobbies? Get married? Live together? If so, I think his finances are absolutely your business. I wouldnít buy a used car without checking under the hood, and I certainly wouldnít enter any kind of partnership situation without knowing their financial responsibility. I donít think I would have bothered trying to force him to correct his financial issues though, I want a responsible man who knows how to do that on his own. Iím not interested in being someoneís white horse.

    Could you be happy existing alongside each other? Not living together, not getting married, but just being together? If so, then I would argue more that his finances are his business and not your problem.

    I think you should do some honest digging within yourself to determine exactly what you need to be happy in the future, and then decide if this guy can be apart of it. Just based on what youíve written here, and the discontent and lack of trust youíve described, Iím thinking youíd be happier leaving him behind, but only you can make that call.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by indea08
    OP, I think the bottom line is, what do you want for yourself in the future??

    If youíre looking toward retirement, are you wanting to travel? Move away? Pick up hobbies? Get married? Live together? If so, I think his finances are absolutely your business. I wouldnít buy a used car without checking under the hood, and I certainly wouldnít enter any kind of partnership situation without knowing their financial responsibility. I donít think I would have bothered trying to force him to correct his financial issues though, I want a responsible man who knows how to do that on his own. Iím not interested in being someoneís white horse.

    Could you be happy existing alongside each other? Not living together, not getting married, but just being together? If so, then I would argue more that his finances are his business and not your problem.

    I think you should do some honest digging within yourself to determine exactly what you need to be happy in the future, and then decide if this guy can be apart of it. Just based on what youíve written here, and the discontent and lack of trust youíve described, Iím thinking youíd be happier leaving him behind, but only you can make that call.
    Yes I agree with this -I'd date him but not to a serious extent where it involves actual finances - he is not going to change but you have to change and stop your meddling - and it really will be none of your business if he's just someone you date but do not live with or share finances with. Your story about the check kiting was alarming given all of the other stuff you've uncovered.

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  6. #25
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    Have him consent to a credit check.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't think you should be associating with this person. The reason is very low respect for each other and I'm also questioning how much respect you have for yourself. The imbalance is so severe here I'd suspect there's something more off/wrong about you than there is about him. I wouldn't date this person if only for your own sanity. I think you are teetering on the edge here and are also on a type of power trip. This is not healthy.

    If you really are financially stable and confident in yourself and your abilities, you wouldn't be latching on to this person emotionally. Something in you would recognize that he needs to work more on himself and you are both not at the same level at all. You would understand that it's kinder to let go than to prolong this relationship (I hesitate to even characterize this as a romantic relationship). Let go completely and have some self-respect.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I was married to someone who had a totally different value when it came to their view of money and finances.
    The two leading things that will come between a couple is the their differences in sex and money.

    You shouldn't have to be checking up on him. I do understand in a way that you are gauging to see if his words match the facts. But when you find yourself policing someone, whether it's over money or anything else, that is your queue to bail.

    The matrix of someones money values run deep. You aren't going to change that.
    I am a saver. My ex h is a habitual debtor. I spent 18 years running around putting out fires and within 3 years post divorce, with him left to deal with things on his own, he dug a hole so deep he had to file bankruptcy.

    I read something after my divorce that I wish I had read prior. - `Based on everything you know, is this someone you would go into business with?' Because living together and running a household is a business.

    This is who he is. It isn't going to change. You don't trust him for good reason. You either adjust your expectations of him or move on.

    Policing it isn't going to change it. It's just going to further frustrate the both of you

  9. #28
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    Don't really get why you give a repeat liar multiple chances? Don't waste another six years!

    You do not trust him. End it.

  10. #29
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Your boyfriend is financially unstable, unreliable and he lies to you not to mention his lack of calmness and composure during arguments.

    I don't like people who don't put a lid on it whenever they're challenged, questioned or if there are disagreements of any kind because they're showing you how they really are when all is not smooth. Once you know what they're capable of, it's scary and trust is annihilated forever. I've known some people like this in my life which makes me feel extremely wary and jaded. Sure, they're nice during certain times and then their true, inner ugly selves appear such as impulsive, very harsh anger, their unsavory personality, gaslighting nature and psychological pummeling tactics. I've heard and seen it all. I know every trick in the book.

    If I were you, I'd steer clear of your boyfriend and question yourself whether or not he can provide financial security for your future and if not, perhaps he's not for you. Also, couple-dom is wonderful whenever life is gravy. The true test to one's character is how they react whenever you confront them with anything and how they handle it. Will they shout, yell, scream, throw things, write nasty texts, emails, messages, engage in gaslighting, leave ugly voicemails and will you hear verbal attacks on the phone or in person? Is this fine, tolerable and acceptable to you? Or, will they remain calm, unemotional, respectful, mature and resolve issues like a decent, honorable, very moral human being? It's a poor choice to be with a hot head. I don't like anyone with a temper. Those types of people are loose cannons.

    Volatile relationships need to be avoided because those types of relationships grow hot and cold. Good one minute and infuriating behavior the next minute. It's not the way to live.

    Financial security and a harmonious, lovely, respectful relationship are the way to go. Any other way is stressful, frustrating, nerve racking and miserable.

  11. #30

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    Help he proposed!!

    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Your boyfriend is financially unstable, unreliable and he lies to you not to mention his lack of calmness and composure during arguments.
    I don't like people who don't put a lid on it whenever they're challenged, questioned or if there are disagreements of any kind because they're showing you how they really are when all is not smooth. Once you know what they're capable of, it's scary and trust is annihilated forever. I've known some people like this in my life which makes me feel extremely wary and jaded. Sure, they're nice during certain times and then their true, inner ugly selves appear such as impulsive, very harsh anger, their unsavory personality, gaslighting nature and psychological pummeling tactics. I've heard and seen it all. I know every trick in the book.

    If I were you, I'd steer clear of your boyfriend and question yourself whether or not he can provide financial security for your future and if not, perhaps he's not for you. Also, couple-dom is wonderful whenever life is gravy. The true test to one's character is how they react whenever you confront them with anything and how they handle it. Will they shout, yell, scream, throw things, write nasty texts, emails, messages, engage in gaslighting, leave ugly voicemails and will you hear verbal attacks on the phone or in person? Is this fine, tolerable and acceptable to you? Or, will they remain calm, unemotional, respectful, mature and resolve issues like a decent, honorable, very moral human being? It's a poor choice to be with a hot head. I don't like anyone with a temper. Those types of people are loose cannons.

    Volatile relationships need to be avoided because those types of relationships grow hot and cold. Good one minute and infuriating behavior the next minute. It's not the way to live.

    Financial security and a harmonious, lovely, respectful relationship are the way to go. Any other way is stressful, frustrating, nerve racking and miserable.
    He proposed to me tonight and said That if we were to get married many of the insecurities will go away because we be living together andMany of the insecurities would go away since weíve been living together. I told him I was flattered but I remain concerned that we were not compatible in the financial way in terms of responsibility. While I did place blame I said we saw things differently and I didnít see her lip getting married and living together was going to help that. What should I do?

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