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Thread: Is the damage beyond repair?

  1. #1

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    Is the damage beyond repair?

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 6 years. We love each other but are in different places financially in terms of amounts and our values towards money. I am very comfortable with working on my life and saving and ready to consider retirement in a few years. He has only get a very modest Savings account and works a job and collects social security. The amount is one thing but hE has lied in the past in terms of how much money he owes in that type a thing.

    We broke up briefly over this issue a few times and after we are last reconciliation last year he swore to me he was going to be more transparent for the most part he has been. However I canít seem to regain my trust in him from this perspective. As a result I check certain sources to see if heís telling truth and have found that for the most part yes but not in all cases. Because of this we donít live together until I feel comfortable but the reality is I never feel comfortable because he has lied in the past . Given this, Iím not sure if we have a future since I think need to put together until the hassle together at some point. D he gets extremely upset when he knows I donít believe him checked things to see it is. We had one of the fights last night and I asked him why he wasnít being straight with me in terms of his rent payment and he screamed at me and cursed at me and stormed out of my house he then called me a little while later and said he wasnít apologizing but felt bad but I should apologize for not believing him and accusing him of something not true and see checking on his records to see if he was telling the truth. He said I could have asked differently instead of accusing him. I did let him know that I was sorry I told him the question earlier that day

    I asked was whether he was paying all his bills on time he answered in a very odd way instead of answering yes he said yes in time to avoid any interest penalties. That seemed suspicious to me which is why I start looking into whether he paid his rent on time. I knew that he was already low in his account in terms of money. He claims that the rent website was down for several days and therefore had to pay by check later. . This may or may not be true but Iím not really sure this is the Realization between us. It all comes down to trust. This is beyond repair?

  2. #2
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    As two seperate independent people with no actual financial ties , I donít think itís any of your business what he spends his money on or how he manages his finances.

    If you were married , then yes it would be. Because marriage is a financial union amongst other things.

    There has been no proposal of marriage.
    I understand that if you were to get married you would like to think that finances wonít be an issue.
    But he is who he is. He clearly manages ok (unless of course you are subsidising him?)

    If you canít get past the issue of finances and wonít stop invading his privacy , then you should let him go.

    People differ in how they manage their finances and whatís important to them re spending and enjoying life in the moment or saving for the future.
    You clearly are incompatible that way and itís now causing other issues.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    He has a history and track record of lying. He swore that he was going to be more transparent. As you've found, for the most part yes he's transparent but not in all cases.

    He screams and curses at you which are very bad signs of explosive, unreasonable temper and anger management issues. Those are red flags in addition to having a clear conscience with his habitual lying.

    With his answer to you, I thought it was ok to tell you yes, he paid them in time to avoid any interest penalties. He clearly said he paid them on time in order to prevent interest penalties. He didn't simply answer yes. He explained it to you. Good thing you let him know you were sorry.

    Nonetheless, I see your point with your serious trust issues with him. I doubt you'll ever trust him. If you'll never fully and unequivocally trust him nowadays and in the future, your relationship is doomed for failure. Trust is huge. Without trust, all relationships (including friendships) are basically dead.

    I agree with Billie28. You shouldn't be on his case regarding when he paid his bills, what his checking account balance is and snooping into his personal finances. He's not your husband nor legally bound to you.

    If you co-habitated / lived with him, that's a different story especially if you share living expenses such as rent, food, insurance, utilities and other monthly household expenses. However, since you reside separately, you need boundaries regarding individual finances.

  4. #4
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    Sometimes screaming and cursing at another is not a red flag.
    Sometimes it comes from a place of sheer frustration when trying to logically argue an illogical topic.

    I actually feel more empathy for the guy (Iím female) because he shouldnít have to answer to her wrt to HIS finances when they are essentially none of her business.

    The ONLY time finances should be discussed is IF there is a possibility of joining finances .
    Living together doesnít mean joining finances if renting, buying a house together or marriage is.

    OP, how exactly are you snooping on his finances??? And is it legal?

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  6. #5
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    You are not married or living together and you are not his mom and he yelled and screamed because you are acting like mommy. Go find someone who meets your criteria fully thatís what everyone should do . Never try to push someone into the peg hole you want them to fit into .

  7. #6
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    How old are you, OP? I ask because you mentioned that you would like to retire ďin a few yearsĒ.

    I ask because when it comes to retirement - those are vastly different timelines for someone to get their act together and itís kind of a different answer that I have...

    If you are older (ie: in your 50s or older) - I think your fear comes from having to support him in retirement? Or giving up half your assets? (Which might be substantial at this point). If this is the case and you are contemplating living together, my advice would be to see a lawyer. There are things you can do to protect your assets (for example, a cohabitation agreement). You may not wish to marry him - but if you are at this age, the idea of having children together, etc. is long gone - so is marriage even necessary/a goal? As long as he works and you recognize that he may always have to work, Iím not sure that itís an insurmountable problem.

    ... but - I agree that harassing him and pointing out his flaws is not helpful. It only serves to make him feel bad. Heís not good at money. Know it. Act accordingly. Know that if you live together, you are the better one to manage the finances and ask for money to be deposited in a joint account right off the top of each paycheck. Is money the only thing he lies about?

    If you are younger, my answer is slightly different because you have more time to turn things around. Do you want marriage? Kids? What is the goal here? Is it that you would prefer someone who can provide for you?

    But either way, I agree that continuing to harp on him is not the answer.

  8. #7
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    There can be no relationship without trust. This is beyond repair, you don't trust him.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Didn't you post about this guy before? If you are still stalling about letting him move in, that's fine. Don't let him move in. Are you lending him money or in other ways involved financially? How are his finances any of your business? If you do not trust him or the way he handles money, don't let him move in. Same advice as last time you posted about him.
    Originally Posted by Suec
    Because of this we donít live together until I feel comfortable but the reality is I never feel comfortable because he has lied in the past

  10. #9
    Gold Member leseine7's Avatar
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    What do you ultimately want to come out of this relationship? It seems like after 6 years of dating, you have not been discussing marriage or owning property together. I have to echo the concerns of others - why are you prying into his finances? Unless you are looking for someone to support you financially (which it doesn't seem you need with your financial health and retirement around the corner), or are hoping to eventually marry him, I too don't understand why you are going to such lengths to check up on him.

    I'm suspicious that what concerns you most is the lying, which would certainly worry me as well in your shoes, but might be the product of him feeling unnecessarily lectured/ judged for his finances to the point of humiliation.

    Not okay for him to yell and curse you out - ever. But if I were in his shoes I'd be highly annoyed by my SO constantly doing background checks on me. If there's no trust, why are you even wasting his time?

  11. #10

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    He used his motherís money temporarily to pay bills but sheís on Medicaid and he earns enough to pay his own bills or so it seems. He did reimburse her after I told him itís wrong but he reluctantly did do saying itís his money too not so fast I said sheís not dead yet!

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