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Thread: No compromise?

  1. #1

    No compromise?

    I'm currently having conflict with my partner which I'm struggling to resolve, I feel as though there's an obvious compromise but I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place! We've been together almost 3 years and always communicated well with one another, I'm in my early 20s and she's 4 years older. We both still live at home at the moment. I'm easy going and adaptable but I feel she is not so much, is this a red flag?

    Last year we went on our first holiday abroad and since then have been discussing a holiday this year. Earlier in the year we arranged the same time off together in the summer with the plan to book our holiday closer to the time. Now this is the problem - my mother has been on a low income my entire life and never has been able to splurge on non essential things. Out of the blue she received some money around 10k, with this she has had the idea to go on a family holiday with us all (me and my partner, my brother and his partner, sister, another bother). When I was asked if my partner and I would like to go, I of course said I'd ask and get back to my mum however I've been stalling as I don't have an answer yet. The family holiday would take place in the same time or around when my partner and I have already booked off for leave but my partner has said it's only feasible to go on 1 holiday due to holiday entitlement and finances.

    I'll spend Friday to Saturday with my partner and see her once or twice in the evening throughout the week. I get this doesn't sound like a lot but we don't live together and are both in full time jobs. She has argued that she would prioritise the holiday with just us over the family holiday, explaining the she doesn't get to see me so often and we had verbally agreed to our holiday way before the family one was mentioned last week. She has said that if she can only go on one holiday it would be just with me. Of course this is where we are conflicted, I personally feel that due to the circumstances we should go on the family holiday. I understand it's late notice to be changing our minds on holidays but that was how it was. I know family members are worried that it won't happen at all if it doesn't this year. We were looking to get a villa to share, there is no obligation for us to all stay together for the whole duration of course bu my partner knows that the whole time isn't exclusive with me.

    I'd like to enjoy this one off abroad holiday with my family as we've never had the opportunity and now it's here. My partner is comfortable with my family so would have no issues there. Putting it simply, I feel that she could just suck it up and come on the family holiday this one time and give up our holiday. I feel if I satisfy my partner I won't be happy with the choice I make and hold resentment towards her. She has explained how she feels and is still preferring the holiday with just the two of us. With her not willing to make a compromise, I'm left to choose between her or my family. I don't know what to do to be right, I'm exploring all options to try and find a compromise but I'm struggling here. I feel it would not be a huge deal for her to give up her preference and compromise with me however I feel it is much more complex from my side given the position she has put me in. I know we will talk about this further but I'm just looking for all opinions and views here please. I'm trying to be critical of myself and can see her reasoning but I still feel the obvious thing here is to compromise and go on the family holiday!

    I'm happy to add further context and clarity if needed, I love my partner but I'm seeing this as a red flag - I thought she would understand and be on board but now because of her preference I'm put in what feels like an impossible situation for me where I don't win either way... Please let me know what you think?

    Thanks for taking the time to read!

  2. #2
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    Your partner has said she can only go on one holiday due to annual leave/finances, but what about you? I'm guessing that if the money your mum's received is paying for the holiday then you at least could go on the family holiday and still go somewhere with your partner. With 52 weeks to choose from it shouldn't be a massive problem to change the timings of one of the holidays so they don't clash.

    If you spend all weekend with your partner and still see her 1-2 times in the week that sounds like plenty to me. I see my partner less than that and we've been together for a similar time.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I'm married and a mother of sons. Therefore, I'm sitting on both sides of the fence.

    I prefer to spend exclusive time with my husband for outings and vacations.

    I remember long ago when my husband and I went on vacation for a week with my in-laws ~ MIL & FIL (mother and father-in-law). What a mistake that was and it was far too much togetherness. It's really hard to be polite, patient and respectful when people grow sick 'n tired of each other due to smothered togetherness. I resented it and we never went on vacation with my in-laws again. That was the first AND last time.

    We meet the in-laws at restaurants, for holidays at the end of the year, occasional 4th of July picnics / fireworks show and that's about it. It's just the way I like it, too. This is the compromise and happy medium.

    Then on the other hand, I'm a mother of sons and I completely understand that their SO (significant others, girlfriends or wives) would feel just the same as I do.

    I'm a mother of sons and would love to spend more time with them. However, I yield a lot for the sake of peace and harmony. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? I chose the latter.

    My husband and I cut a deal. We get together with his family as long as random gatherings are temporary. NO VACATIONS TOGETHER WITH THEM. Or, he has taken road trips with them and I was fine because I enjoyed being home alone.

    If I were your girlfriend, I'd spend limited time on vacation with your family since you want to spend time with your family. Then, spend exclusive vacation time with just your girlfriend at a different location. If she absolutely refuses to compromise even a little bit, then question if you wish to continue to be with her because these types of resentments only grow worse!

    It's difficult to make both parties content. There needs to be a sacrifice and unfortunately, the sacrifice is you.

  4. #4
    Thank you both for your opinions, I'll ad some clarity. Financially I am in a position to go on 2 holidays, I also have more leave available but we could rearange some time off. I agree though, with 52 weeks it wouldn't be an issue choosing alternative dates. I can also see that other perspective for reasons not to have a joint family holiday and they completely make sense. I too have been quick to yield to not rock the boat but have learned that I need to do what I actually want to do. I will honour my commitment to a couples holiday as I'm a man of my word, I think it could rearrange dates to make something work. People want to be going away before xmas due to the weather so even if I could get 2 holidays before it seems like it would be overkill going abroad twice in the space of 2/3 months max... However I do feel my best option would be for me to go on both as that's in my interest and my partner would still get to have a holiday with me exclusively. My partner made a comment along the lines of us having to drop our stuff for others but I see the family holiday as my stuff of course too. As the name suggests, I'm easy going and feel that if the tables were turned I would have no problem ditching the couples holiday for the family but then we are different people.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Do what you actually want to do. Honor your commitment to a couples holiday and rearrange dates to make something work as you say. Where there is a will, there is a way.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by easygoing19
    People want to be going away before xmas due to the weather so even if I could get 2 holidays before it seems like it would be overkill going abroad twice in the space of 2/3 months max... However I do feel my best option would be for me to go on both as that's in my interest and my partner would still get to have a holiday with me exclusively.
    The obvious compromise would be for you to go to both , your gf go on one with you.
    Whatís the issue? Iím unclear?

    Is your mother paying for the holiday for 7 people? I donít think 10K would cover that? What currency are we talking about?

    It sounds to me like your mother is not paying anyoneís way except her own since you mentioned you financially can afford 2 holidays???
    If thatís the case then you are well entitled to say sorry Iím not going. But if you want to go , then go, but no you shouldnít cancel on plans with your gf and expect her to pay for a holiday she is not interested in when she can only afford one.

    Why do you think going abroad twice in a few months is overkill? On your personal finances?

    On a side note, if your mum has lived on a low income and suddenly comes into 10k, donít you think itís in her best interest not to splurge it and instead keep it for a rainy day???

  8. #7
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    I see you have all come to the answer I was thinking of :)

    I think you are making a bigger deal of it than it needs to be, to be honest.

    If your gf only gets one week holiday all year, I can very much understand her not wanting to spend it with your family. I wouldnít want to either! I donít think that makes her inflexible. Itís kind of a lot to ask.

    I do think itís reasonable to ask to have a less extravagant holiday as a result though. If you need to pay for two holidays (and sheís invited to the one she doesnít want to go to), she should understand the circumstances. That is something she should be flexible on. Or if she gives you a hard time about going to both - that is also something she should be flexible on. Trying to prevent you from doing both would be inflexible and would give me pause.

    I do agree with the previous poster, though. Please notice this about your mom. If sheís on low income and is constantly struggling, using the windfall to take everyone on vacation is not the wisest use of her money. Itís also telling that the family is concerned that if you donít go right away that the money wonít be there. Thatís fine. Sheís an adult and can do as she pleases... but just understand that some of it is her own doing if she is asking for money or financial support in a year or so. Itís just a good thing to note.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok you asked her if she wants to come along on the family holiday and the answer is no. No because you had both planned something else before this offer and no because she would rather have a one-on-one holiday. The whole plan sounds rather one sided in your favor and rather manipulative.

    If you are asking her to pay while your mother pays your way, well what the heck is that? Also if you want to tag along with your family and let them call the shots about where, when, how long, etc that's fine, but who would pay to be dragged into that? It sounds like this is convenient or cheaper for you and you're trying to persuade her to do this and go back on your agreement with her. Then you can claim "but we invited you" and you blame her and go with your family instead.

    So it's not about compromise it's about you deciding whether to go with your family or go with her. Keep in mind if you blow off whatever plans you and she made previously for this sudden unexpected family holiday, it may strain your relationship. Interestingly this issue will help you start to identify some incompatibilities regarding how enmeshed people are with their families and how much couple/private time people need.
    Originally Posted by easygoing19
    -she would prioritise the holiday with just us over the family holiday, explaining the she doesn't get to see me so often and we had verbally agreed to our holiday way before the family one was mentioned last week.
    -She has said that if she can only go on one holiday it would be just with me.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    But you ARE having a problem ditching the family holiday for the couples holiday. That's why you're twisting her arm about this. Hardly "easy going", more like passive and letting mom run your life..
    Originally Posted by easygoing19
    I would have no problem ditching the couples holiday for the family but then we are different people.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Heather Dawn's Avatar
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    I think you should stick to your original plan. You're an adult, and if your partner would prefer the holiday you'd previously discussed instead of one with your entire family, then she should be prioritized. And your family should understand.

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