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Thread: Need advice about my 9 year old daughter

  1. #1
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    Need advice about my 9 year old daughter

    I am reaching out because in the last year I have noticed some major changes in my daughters behaviour, she is 9 years old. She began acting out , not wanting to sleep at my house, not wanting to spend time anywhere bt at her dads house. It has gotten worse over the course of the year and I have noticed that he has been encouraging her behaviour and actively discouraging her time with me, especially spending nights. We have shared custody 50/50 for the last 5 years with no issues, all of this seemed to come out of the blue about a year ago. We also have a son together who is 10 years old. Her dad's reasons for her not wanting to be with me is that I am emotionally distant, that I resent her on some level and she is aware of it, that I didn't care enough to keep her in my life and that's why she has refused to stay at my house and wanted to spend all her time with him. Below I've tried to list as much detail as possible without making too long of a post.

    Daughter:

    No interest in anything that doesn’t involve being at his house

    Does not want to sleep anywhere other than dads house.

    Says he needs her there, he will be sad, he won’t be the same (says he tells her these things)

    Afraid to sleep alone or in her own room. Falls asleep easily when I lay down with her and reassure her

    Loss of interest in activities usually enjoyed. Says she would rather be at dads house than take part in a
    fun activity, refuses sleepovers with friends


    Does not want to go on fun family trips/outings because she needs to be with dad. Comes up with ridiculous reasons why she can’t come on a weekend trip with mom and siblings

    Extreme emotional reactions. Shuts down and cries at the slightest indication of wrongdoing, or angry outbursts at family members for no reason

    Tells me she sleeps alone at dads house, have been made aware lately that she sleeps with him (if it is merely a sleep issue, why lie?) her brother told me she sleeps in her dads bed, she glared at her brother and was upset that he told me

    Very secretive about her phone conversations with him. Hides in her room, sits in front of the door so no one can come in

    Says her dad tells her he wants to move away with her, said that he asked her how she would feel about moving away (her and him) and asked her to keep it a secret

    When asked why she doesn’t want to stay at moms, just says I don’t know, there is no reason, I just want to be at dads


    Dad:
    Gives her 25 mg gravol to sleep every night (I found out in the last month or so, she tells me he gives her a “sleeping pill” every night), told me she sleeps in her own bed when I recently found out that she does not

    Overheard him telling her “I don’t want you to sleep at moms house either but your mom for some reason wants you to” gets angry with me when I tell her she can go to a sleepover if she wants to, saying “so she can sleep at a friends house but she can’t sleep at her dads house?”

    Tells me I’m making her miserable just to have it my way, that I’m insisting on her sleeping at my house because it hurts him and I take pleasure in that. Constantly talks about how much it hurts him that I make her sleep at my house

    Says he feels a connection with her like he never had with another human being, that I won’t understand and he won’t explain it to me

    Says she is just such a beautiful person, that he “sees people for who they are, whether they’re his child or not” says that I take her for granted and do not appreciate just how amazing she is

    Buys her whatever she wants, expensive computer system, tablets, laptops, while her brother does not get these things

    Refuses to let her speak with a counsellor despite my insisting that she needs to speak with someone. (Sleep issues, changes in behaviour, has been going on for the last year)

    Called me in a rage because he found out she had spoken with someone without his knowledge. Said I should not bring people in to screw with his daughters head. Says we need to let her work it out herself

    Approached me multiple times asking me to sign over custody of her to him, that I could have custody of our son

    Extremely possessive of her, wants to keep her all to himself, gets angry every time I enforce my time with her, refuses to let her go on trips with me because he doesn’t want to be separated from her, claims I am not going to keep her safe, that she doesn’t do well going to other places

    Writes her letters that are way beyond her comprehension and tells her to keep them in a secret place at my house

  2. #2
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Do you suspect child / sexual abuse? The father drugs his daughter every night? Call the police regarding everything you wrote and ask for their advice and counsel.

    This sounds like a very serious matter.

  3. #3
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    When I found out about the gravol I expressed to him that he should not be doing this, he defended it by saying that he had a prescription for her to use it for sleep ( I checked at the pharmacy, there is no such prescription) and I do not know a doctor that would prescribe such a thing for a 9 year old. He claimed she had insomnia and he was only following a drs orders. He also said to me recently after i found out, that if I had trouble getting her to sleep that I should just give her gravol. I said no, I did not agree with it. I have since gotten child services involved, and they are investigating the use of gravol. He actually sent me an email tonight saying that because I would not agree to give her gravol at my house that he had "decided" to withdraw her off the gravol slowly over the course of a week. So basically he admitted that he's been using it with her for so long that she has to be weaned off of it?? He said that since I wouldn't give it to her I was just causing her more stress and making her insomnia worse. Honestly I think he only sent that email to somehow try and cover his ass because he knows questions are being asked. And I have never known her to have insomnia, she has sleep issues but they have nothing to do with insomnia. She is afraid to sleep alone in her own bed and will not relax until I lay down with her. Once she relaxes she is asleep within minutes and stays asleep all night. The gravol along with everything else going on is just giving me an awful gut feeling that I just can't shake. But I didn't know if I was over reacting or over thinking and wanted to hear some outside opinions

  4. #4
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Contact law enforcement and explain your situation thoroughly. They'll direct and advise you. What your husband is doing is criminal.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Police now.

  7. #6
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    “She is afraid to sleep alone in her own bed and will not relax until I lay down with her. Once she relaxes she is asleep within minutes and stays asleep all night.”

    Sounds like he just doesn’t have the patience you do or hasn’t figured out how to appease her like you do and then resorts to sleeping pills?
    She is 9.
    She needs to learn how to fall asleep alone . Laying with her until she falls asleep is counter productive.

    9 year olds are capable of manipulation.
    You have involved child services so I guess let them investigate.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    I’m sorry this post is just waaaaay too leading.

    What was the advice you actually needed? I am not seeing a question.

    Seems you just want strangers on the internet to tell you her father is molesting her, which...as a mother... if you suspect that, why the hell are you posting on a forum and not going to the police.

    This reeks, something ain’t adding up.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by St0113
    So, another bombshell today...he was released this morning. When all this started happening, I was assured by the police that they would keep me informed of anything that happened. I have not heard from them since the night he was arrested and the only way I found out he was released was when I called the police department to find out what time he had to be in court tomorrow! The receptionist just happened to mention to me that he had been released...I had no idea. So I kind of vented my frustration at the police officer and he assured me once again, that after court tomorrow they will call me with an update. We will see...
    Restraining orders are in place, but I'm a little skeptical as to whether or not he will actually abide by them.
    What exactly was he arrested for in 2011?

    Your daughter would have been one when you separated right?

    How did he find out where you lived? How was he able to get 50/50 custody?

    What steps did he take? I’d assume he had to do a lot where the courts were involved considering you had him arrested and had a restraining order against him and we’re essentially in hiding...

    Please expand.

    Again, given your history with him and everything you presented here I am having a hard time comprehending why youre posting here and not already in talks with the police or social services, you’re apparently familiar with reaching out in times of danger, again you had him arrested before, does this not seem like one of those times?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You don't need his consent to take her to a pediatrician or a pediatric psychologist or family therapy for yourself and her. Start there. You don't even have documentation that he is giving her antihistamines to sleep (similar to benadryl for children). Calling the cops, cps etc will result in them walking away without evidence of anything.

    Stop the battle with her father. If you want an adjustment in the custody arrangement you need to file for that in court and/or consult an attorney. Without any admission/complaint from her or documentation of a problem it's just a he said/she said battle between two parents making their child collateral damage in their tug-of-war. Something the courts have to contend with all the time. You need to back up your accusations or you don't have a case.
    Originally Posted by St0113
    Refuses to let her speak with a counsellor despite my insisting that she needs to speak with someone.

  11. #10
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    You need to see a counselor with her with or without his consent. Do it behind his back.
    At the very least, he is making her responsible for his emotions -- it creates codependency if someone says "mommy/daddy will be sad if..."
    vs "you have to stay because its dad's night, tomorrow will be mom's night"

    I strongly suspect sexual abuse, or if not emotional abuse. Your child is clearly depressed.

    You need to talk to a counselor, law enforcement, a mediator to talk to.

    Your ex is drugging her daughter and sleeping in the same bed (and she is not a toddler) and she tells you dad says he needs her to sleep with him.

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