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Need advice about my 9 year old daughter


St0113

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I am reaching out because in the last year I have noticed some major changes in my daughters behaviour, she is 9 years old. She began acting out , not wanting to sleep at my house, not wanting to spend time anywhere bt at her dads house. It has gotten worse over the course of the year and I have noticed that he has been encouraging her behaviour and actively discouraging her time with me, especially spending nights. We have shared custody 50/50 for the last 5 years with no issues, all of this seemed to come out of the blue about a year ago. We also have a son together who is 10 years old. Her dad's reasons for her not wanting to be with me is that I am emotionally distant, that I resent her on some level and she is aware of it, that I didn't care enough to keep her in my life and that's why she has refused to stay at my house and wanted to spend all her time with him. Below I've tried to list as much detail as possible without making too long of a post.

 

Daughter:

 

No interest in anything that doesn’t involve being at his house

 

Does not want to sleep anywhere other than dads house.

 

Says he needs her there, he will be sad, he won’t be the same (says he tells her these things)

 

Afraid to sleep alone or in her own room. Falls asleep easily when I lay down with her and reassure her

 

Loss of interest in activities usually enjoyed. Says she would rather be at dads house than take part in a

fun activity, refuses sleepovers with friends

 

 

Does not want to go on fun family trips/outings because she needs to be with dad. Comes up with ridiculous reasons why she can’t come on a weekend trip with mom and siblings

 

Extreme emotional reactions. Shuts down and cries at the slightest indication of wrongdoing, or angry outbursts at family members for no reason

 

Tells me she sleeps alone at dads house, have been made aware lately that she sleeps with him (if it is merely a sleep issue, why lie?) her brother told me she sleeps in her dads bed, she glared at her brother and was upset that he told me

 

Very secretive about her phone conversations with him. Hides in her room, sits in front of the door so no one can come in

 

Says her dad tells her he wants to move away with her, said that he asked her how she would feel about moving away (her and him) and asked her to keep it a secret

 

When asked why she doesn’t want to stay at moms, just says I don’t know, there is no reason, I just want to be at dads

 

 

Dad:

Gives her 25 mg gravol to sleep every night (I found out in the last month or so, she tells me he gives her a “sleeping pill” every night), told me she sleeps in her own bed when I recently found out that she does not

 

Overheard him telling her “I don’t want you to sleep at moms house either but your mom for some reason wants you to” gets angry with me when I tell her she can go to a sleepover if she wants to, saying “so she can sleep at a friends house but she can’t sleep at her dads house?”

 

Tells me I’m making her miserable just to have it my way, that I’m insisting on her sleeping at my house because it hurts him and I take pleasure in that. Constantly talks about how much it hurts him that I make her sleep at my house

 

Says he feels a connection with her like he never had with another human being, that I won’t understand and he won’t explain it to me

 

Says she is just such a beautiful person, that he “sees people for who they are, whether they’re his child or not” says that I take her for granted and do not appreciate just how amazing she is

 

Buys her whatever she wants, expensive computer system, tablets, laptops, while her brother does not get these things

 

Refuses to let her speak with a counsellor despite my insisting that she needs to speak with someone. (Sleep issues, changes in behaviour, has been going on for the last year)

 

Called me in a rage because he found out she had spoken with someone without his knowledge. Said I should not bring people in to screw with his daughters head. Says we need to let her work it out herself

 

Approached me multiple times asking me to sign over custody of her to him, that I could have custody of our son

 

Extremely possessive of her, wants to keep her all to himself, gets angry every time I enforce my time with her, refuses to let her go on trips with me because he doesn’t want to be separated from her, claims I am not going to keep her safe, that she doesn’t do well going to other places

 

Writes her letters that are way beyond her comprehension and tells her to keep them in a secret place at my house

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When I found out about the gravol I expressed to him that he should not be doing this, he defended it by saying that he had a prescription for her to use it for sleep ( I checked at the pharmacy, there is no such prescription) and I do not know a doctor that would prescribe such a thing for a 9 year old. He claimed she had insomnia and he was only following a drs orders. He also said to me recently after i found out, that if I had trouble getting her to sleep that I should just give her gravol. I said no, I did not agree with it. I have since gotten child services involved, and they are investigating the use of gravol. He actually sent me an email tonight saying that because I would not agree to give her gravol at my house that he had "decided" to withdraw her off the gravol slowly over the course of a week. So basically he admitted that he's been using it with her for so long that she has to be weaned off of it?? He said that since I wouldn't give it to her I was just causing her more stress and making her insomnia worse. Honestly I think he only sent that email to somehow try and cover his ass because he knows questions are being asked. And I have never known her to have insomnia, she has sleep issues but they have nothing to do with insomnia. She is afraid to sleep alone in her own bed and will not relax until I lay down with her. Once she relaxes she is asleep within minutes and stays asleep all night. The gravol along with everything else going on is just giving me an awful gut feeling that I just can't shake. But I didn't know if I was over reacting or over thinking and wanted to hear some outside opinions

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“She is afraid to sleep alone in her own bed and will not relax until I lay down with her. Once she relaxes she is asleep within minutes and stays asleep all night.”

 

Sounds like he just doesn’t have the patience you do or hasn’t figured out how to appease her like you do and then resorts to sleeping pills?

She is 9.

She needs to learn how to fall asleep alone . Laying with her until she falls asleep is counter productive.

 

9 year olds are capable of manipulation.

You have involved child services so I guess let them investigate.

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I’m sorry this post is just waaaaay too leading.

 

What was the advice you actually needed? I am not seeing a question.

 

Seems you just want strangers on the internet to tell you her father is molesting her, which...as a mother... if you suspect that, why the hell are you posting on a forum and not going to the police.

 

This reeks, something ain’t adding up.

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So, another bombshell today...he was released this morning. When all this started happening, I was assured by the police that they would keep me informed of anything that happened. I have not heard from them since the night he was arrested and the only way I found out he was released was when I called the police department to find out what time he had to be in court tomorrow! The receptionist just happened to mention to me that he had been released...I had no idea. So I kind of vented my frustration at the police officer and he assured me once again, that after court tomorrow they will call me with an update. We will see...

Restraining orders are in place, but I'm a little skeptical as to whether or not he will actually abide by them.

 

What exactly was he arrested for in 2011?

 

Your daughter would have been one when you separated right?

 

How did he find out where you lived? How was he able to get 50/50 custody?

 

What steps did he take? I’d assume he had to do a lot where the courts were involved considering you had him arrested and had a restraining order against him and we’re essentially in hiding...

 

Please expand.

 

Again, given your history with him and everything you presented here I am having a hard time comprehending why youre posting here and not already in talks with the police or social services, you’re apparently familiar with reaching out in times of danger, again you had him arrested before, does this not seem like one of those times?

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You don't need his consent to take her to a pediatrician or a pediatric psychologist or family therapy for yourself and her. Start there. You don't even have documentation that he is giving her antihistamines to sleep (similar to benadryl for children). Calling the cops, cps etc will result in them walking away without evidence of anything.

 

Stop the battle with her father. If you want an adjustment in the custody arrangement you need to file for that in court and/or consult an attorney. Without any admission/complaint from her or documentation of a problem it's just a he said/she said battle between two parents making their child collateral damage in their tug-of-war. Something the courts have to contend with all the time. You need to back up your accusations or you don't have a case.

Refuses to let her speak with a counsellor despite my insisting that she needs to speak with someone.

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You need to see a counselor with her with or without his consent. Do it behind his back.

At the very least, he is making her responsible for his emotions -- it creates codependency if someone says "mommy/daddy will be sad if..."

vs "you have to stay because its dad's night, tomorrow will be mom's night"

 

I strongly suspect sexual abuse, or if not emotional abuse. Your child is clearly depressed.

 

You need to talk to a counselor, law enforcement, a mediator to talk to.

 

Your ex is drugging her daughter and sleeping in the same bed (and she is not a toddler) and she tells you dad says he needs her to sleep with him.

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I’m sorry this post is just waaaaay too leading.

 

What was the advice you actually needed? I am not seeing a question.

 

Seems you just want strangers on the internet to tell you her father is molesting her, which...as a mother... if you suspect that, why the hell are you posting on a forum and not going to the police.

 

This reeks, something ain’t adding up.

 

I agree. Of course it’s easy to jump to conclusions based on what the OP has written.

 

OP if you are that concerned about the wellbeing of your child then take action... just do it and ignore what her dad is saying... start a police report, get family services involved, seek counselling for her. You don’t need our advice in order to move forward.

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If there is an issue with getting her into counseling, I would go myself and speak alone with a therapist about what you feel is going on.

 

They deal with these same issues all the time and will best advise you how to deal with your daughter, the dad and the courts if needed.

 

Just be forewarned to get to the bottom of this it could be a long arduous road of psych evaluations, attorneys and courts. I watched my friend go through it. In the end, there were no winners. Only losers. But personally, I would do what ever it takes if I felt my child was in an unhealthy situation.

 

If what you say is true, the father is being very emotionally incestuous with the daughter. I'd be very concerned.

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He was arrested for uttering threats in 2011, he had written a document that I found on his computer where he described a plan he had to sexually assault me and kill the both of us in a murder/suicide. He deleted the document as soon as he figured out I read it, and no I did not think to email a copy to myself (stupid, I know but I was in shock after I read it) Anyway, he was arrested and remanded for a few weeks but the case ended up being dismissed due to there being no evidence and I ended up being accused of exaggerating and fabricating things. He had to have supervised visits for about a year and a psychological evaluation after which I was told that there were no concerns found and the protection order and supervision order was going to be vacated. I went in front of a judge to explain my reasons in an effort to renew the supervision order but he would not listen to my concerns and vacated the order. He was then pursuing shared custody and I was being told that there was no indication of him ever having been abusive toward the kids and no reason to deny him equal access. In retrospect, I probably had a terrible lawyer. All of the things I'm talking about have come about slowly over the past year, with the most disturbing aspects coming to light in the last month or so. (his behaviour, things he's been saying to me and to her, secrets, gravol etc). I have involved child services and presented them with everything that I put in my post, and while they agree that there are "some red flags" they have told me that the kids haven't disclosed anything that concerns them enough to keep them away from him. I am also in contact with a lawyer to find out what steps are available to me. I haven't reached out to police, I guess because even given everything, there is a part of me that is hesitant to make this sort of allegation to police without hard evidence. I have gone up against him before and not only has he managed to walk away from it all but also twisted the situation to make it look like I was making false allegations simply for my own benefit.

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I agree. Of course it’s easy to jump to conclusions based on what the OP has written.

 

OP if you are that concerned about the wellbeing of your child then take action... just do it and ignore what her dad is saying... start a police report, get family services involved, seek counselling for her. You don’t need our advice in order to move forward.

 

I have involved child services, presented them with everything I put in my post. They agree that there are red flags but don't seem overly concerned and have said that the kids have not disclosed anything that concerns them enough to keep them away from him. I have spoken with a lawyer about what steps I can take, and she informed me that while I do not need his consent to seek counselling for her that most counsellors will refuse to see a child without both parents consent. I reached out to mental health services in my area and this is the issue I ran into. He refused to consent and they would not book her an appointment. The only other option is to apply for a court order for counselling, which is something I have spoken to my lawyer about. I guess i posted here because I don't get the feeling that this is being taken seriously by child services and I wasn't sure if I was reading into things too much. I thought if other people see this the way I'm seeing it, then why aren't childrens' services? I do realize the way my post may have come across as simply seeking validation from strangers on the internet without taking any steps to protect her.

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One can only imagine how tied up the courts are with false accusations. In the end it hurts those who really need help.

Just keep documenting and working at finding a way to intervene. She's still young. Imagine this going on when she's 14.

If you have a track record of returning to court over and over at some point they need to take notice that this isn't just an angry parent, but a pattern and a legitimate concern.

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You don't need his consent to take her to a pediatrician or a pediatric psychologist or family therapy for yourself and her. Start there. You don't even have documentation that he is giving her antihistamines to sleep (similar to benadryl for children). Calling the cops, cps etc will result in them walking away without evidence of anything.

 

Stop the battle with her father. If you want an adjustment in the custody arrangement you need to file for that in court and/or consult an attorney. Without any admission/complaint from her or documentation of a problem it's just a he said/she said battle between two parents making their child collateral damage in their tug-of-war. Something the courts have to contend with all the time. You need to back up your accusations or you don't have a case.

 

Up until yesterday I did not have any documentable proof that he has been giving her gravol. However, now that he knows questions are being asked he sent me an email last night and said that he had "decided" to withdraw her off the gravol slowly over the course of a week. He tried twisting it around to say that he had a prescription for her and that he was only following dr's orders. Since I confronted him about the gravol he has been saying that it's ok because he had a dr's order for it. I have checked at the pharmacy since and there is no prescription, which I have also told child services. In my opinion, this email is an admission of guilt on his part in that he clearly states he was giving her gravol, but when I showed it to the Child services case worker she said "well it looks like he's not giving it anymore" and left it at that.

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He was arrested for uttering threats in 2011, he had written a document that I found on his computer where he described a plan he had to sexually assault me and kill the both of us in a murder/suicide. He deleted the document as soon as he figured out I read it, and no I did not think to email a copy to myself (stupid, I know but I was in shock after I read it) Anyway, he was arrested and remanded for a few weeks but the case ended up being dismissed due to there being no evidence and I ended up being accused of exaggerating and fabricating things. He had to have supervised visits for about a year and a psychological evaluation after which I was told that there were no concerns found and the protection order and supervision order was going to be vacated. I went in front of a judge to explain my reasons in an effort to renew the supervision order but he would not listen to my concerns and vacated the order. He was then pursuing shared custody and I was being told that there was no indication of him ever having been abusive toward the kids and no reason to deny him equal access. In retrospect, I probably had a terrible lawyer. All of the things I'm talking about have come about slowly over the past year, with the most disturbing aspects coming to light in the last month or so. (his behaviour, things he's been saying to me and to her, secrets, gravol etc). I have involved child services and presented them with everything that I put in my post, and while they agree that there are "some red flags" they have told me that the kids haven't disclosed anything that concerns them enough to keep them away from him. I am also in contact with a lawyer to find out what steps are available to me. I haven't reached out to police, I guess because even given everything, there is a part of me that is hesitant to make this sort of allegation to police without hard evidence. I have gone up against him before and not only has he managed to walk away from it all but also twisted the situation to make it look like I was making false allegations simply for my own benefit.

 

This ^ is reality then.

 

Your post is very slanted and worded in a way that comes off like you have absolute proof and serious suspicion and reasons given past practices, given what you wrote it would be a no brainer something serious was going on, you tell social services what you told us and it be reality, they wouldn’t for a second dismiss it. So clearly reality is much more grey than what you’re presenting here.

 

Step back from the ledge. That’s my advice. You didn’t have a bad lawyer, he did, I’ve never heard of someone being arrested for more than a day much less a week on heresay. People typically don’t just get arrested cause someone says ‘he said he was going to kill me in an email’ before he was arrested, some sort of something would have had to have been presented. that’s not how arrests typically occur, it sounds like his rights were violated so if what your saying is true good lord did he have an awful lawyer and I’m surprised he isn’t suing the police department for wrongful arrest, not saying you’re lying but with zero evidence... do you realize how many men and women file false reports? That’s specifically why people aren’t arrested on heresay, so in that respect, he got screwed.

 

But now, with what you’re saying, like I said if how you’re painting things here are reality, good lord go to the authorities, you have proof now right? Stop wasting time go report it, unless he has a legal prescription to give your daughter that medication, he is committing a crime.

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Up until yesterday I did not have any documentable proof that he has been giving her gravol. However, now that he knows questions are being asked he sent me an email last night and said that he had "decided" to withdraw her off the gravol slowly over the course of a week. He tried twisting it around to say that he had a prescription for her and that he was only following dr's orders. Since I confronted him about the gravol he has been saying that it's ok because he had a dr's order for it. I have checked at the pharmacy since and there is no prescription, which I have also told child services. In my opinion, this email is an admission of guilt on his part in that he clearly states he was giving her gravol, but when I showed it to the Child services case worker she said "well it looks like he's not giving it anymore" and left it at that.

 

Wow... that’s surprising you’d be dismissed about something so serious as giving a child medication she wasn’t prescribed, are you sure she wasn’t prescribed it?

 

Have you made reports before?

 

Can you give us more history?

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I have involved child services, presented them with everything I put in my post. They agree that there are red flags but don't seem overly concerned and have said that the kids have not disclosed anything that concerns them enough to keep them away from him. I have spoken with a lawyer about what steps I can take, and she informed me that while I do not need his consent to seek counselling for her that most counsellors will refuse to see a child without both parents consent. I reached out to mental health services in my area and this is the issue I ran into. He refused to consent and they would not book her an appointment. The only other option is to apply for a court order for counselling, which is something I have spoken to my lawyer about. I guess i posted here because I don't get the feeling that this is being taken seriously by child services and I wasn't sure if I was reading into things too much. I thought if other people see this the way I'm seeing it, then why aren't childrens' services? I do realize the way my post may have come across as simply seeking validation from strangers on the internet without taking any steps to protect her.

 

OP it sounds like you are involving all of the right people... I agree it’s frustrating that it’s so difficult to get help for kids when they need it, I see it all the time, kids waiting for months to see a therapist etc... keep advocating and pushing and go up the chain if you need to... don’t give up as the squeaky wheel usually does get the grease in these situations.

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In Canada Gravol (Dramamine in the US) is over the counter and used for nausea, motion sickness, etc. What was he using it for? It is not illegal, nor a narcotic nor a prescription. So that fact that a parent gives this to a child is not a problem per se. The issue is why was he administering it? For the sedative effect? Unfortunately all things you can't prove. Stop communicating with him and get a lawyer.

 

Repeatedly calling CPS with undocumented, unsubstantiated complaints makes you look like the unstable harassing parent, not him. It's bizarre you haven't taken your daughter to a doctor or child psychologist if you are concerned about her. It's weird you claim you "can't" take your own child to a pediatrician/psychologist. It's odd you won't go to court or a lawyer to file for a custody change. In fact, it's odd you seem to do nothing for your child and are solely focused on hating your ex. Get yourself focused on your child not using cps, cops, to create chaos.

I showed it to the Child services case worker she said "well it looks like he's not giving it anymore" and left it at that.
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“I do not need his consent to seek counselling for her that most counsellors will refuse to see a child without both parents consent”

 

That is absolute horse s**t!

No counsellor would request both parents consent if one parent claimed the other was abusing. You know that, I know that, everyone knows that!!!

 

What exactly is your issue with your ex? Why are you filled with anger against him? Why can you not let it go?

 

This does not sound like child abuse to me on the father’s part at all.

 

You have done nothing to help your child (all the excuses )but done everything to get revenge on your ex???

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In Canada Gravol (Dramamine in the US) is over the counter and used for nausea, motion sickness, etc. What was he using it for? It is not illegal, nor a narcotic nor a prescription. So that fact that a parent gives this to a child is not a problem per se. The issue is why was he administering it? For the sedative effect? Unfortunately all things you can't prove. Stop communicating with him and get a lawyer.

 

Repeatedly calling CPS with undocumented, unsubstantiated complaints makes you look like the unstable harassing parent, not him. It's bizarre you haven't taken your daughter to a doctor or child psychologist if you are concerned about her. It's weird you claim you "can't" take your own child to a pediatrician/psychologist. It's odd you won't go to court or a lawyer to file for a custody change. In fact, it's odd you seem to do nothing for your child and are solely focused on hating your ex. Get yourself focused on your child not using cps, cops, to create chaos.

 

Wow... just googled it you’re right, you also don’t need a prescription, which would explain child services dismissal...

 

I know everyone ‘has a friend’ who was treated wrong by the courts or child services or whatever, I have a friend too, her husbands ex wife filed a false report with child services and even though there was absolutely no evidence child services investigated the report. They aren’t just sitting behind a desk like Gods dismissing parents, they are required by law to investigate alleged abuse, or they can and should be reported.

 

I’m not going to lie, a lot of this isn’t adding up and sounds very biased, but I think parents advocating for their children is one of the important things a parent is responsible for, so dig deep, if you are truly in fear for your child keep going get her help,.

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This is your child. Pound down the door at Children's services if you have to! What your ex-husband is doing is NOT OK! It is abusive in one way or another and your daughter is showing MANY signs of manipulation and abuse.

 

Start by contacting your attorney. They will tell you what to do next. Call them TODAY. This is your child!

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