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Thread: Kissed and slept together but still just wants to be friends

  1. #1

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    Kissed and slept together but still just wants to be friends

    I have been working with this girl, KK, for a year and a half. We always had a flirtatious banter and became pretty close and everyone at work assumed we were an item. But she always made it clear she didn't date co-workers and if something were to happen it would ruin our great friendship. Also the few times we hung out together outside of work she was very reserved and cold-completely different from the fun, flirty girl I knew from work. So I didn't really pursue things further.

    A few months ago my company had a promo at one of its restaurants so I suggested we went for dinner together. She agreed while stressing it wasn't a date. We had a nice time and end of the evening she kissed me. I was taken by surprise. But the next day said I really enjoyed our dinner and would love to do it again soon. She gave a non-committal response and a few days later said she thought it was a mistake and we work together. I knew she wanted to leave the company and was applying for jobs so I pointed that out. And she said after a year and a half she'd know by now if it felt righ and besides she wasn't into relationships at the moment and when she falls in love she just will. So I dropped it.

    She got a job and in her last month we forgot about the awkwardness in the aftermath of the kiss and spent a lot of time joking, taking endless tea breaks, and doing very little work.

    After she left she started texting me a lot and most days we would talk on the phone and we arranged to meet for dinner and drinks. She stressed again it wasn't a date. But we had a nice time and things felt quite natural. Although I could tell she was keeping me at a distance and got visibly uncomfortable if I moved too close and gave me a very cold hug goodbye. But she was keen to meet up the following weekend and again the following weekend and we stayed in regular contact.

    My mum was away last weekend and I was dog sitting so I invited her over saying she could stay over and there are plenty of guest rooms. She was hesitant especially re staying over. But I said it isn't far from hers and I'd call her an uber if she felt uncomfortable at any point. She agreed.

    When I picked her up we had some lunch and I noticed she seemed a lot more relaxed and friendly towards me. I helped her with her studies for a few hours as we sat in my mother's garden. Then i cooked her some food, played her some piano, and we shared a bottle of wine. Again she was very relaxed and touching my arm and talking about going on holiday together and showed no signs of wanting to leave. Eventually she got sleepy and we discussed sleeping arrangements. She said she wanted my room. So I offered to take the guest room. She said it was OK and we could share. And changed in front of me into some pretty floral crop top pajamas laughing as I didn't know where to look when she was just in her bra. She lay down and turned her back to me and promptly fell asleep.

    The next morning she woke up and I opened my arms and asked her to come over. We started hugging which got quite steamy and one thing led to another and we had sex. As soon as we were finished she jumped into the shower got dressed and waited for me to join her and make breakfast. She proceeded to pretend nothing had happened and when I took her to the station and tried to kiss her goodbye she gave me her cheek. Then an hour later texted me saying "Don't be upset with me".

    This week she has continued to text me just like before. Mid-week I tried to get some clarity and asked her whether sunday was a one-off thing. She said she thinks so but doesn't know what the future holds and she doesn't plan anything and then said "lol i am horrible" and changed the subject and then said she had to go study.

    Not really sure what to make all of this.

    I kinda get the feeling she likes me but isnt sure about me and I know that she wasn't happy in her previous relationship and felt she wasted five years and doesn't want to repeat the same mistake and end up with the wrong guy. But I do not really know how to proceed or if I am wasting my time or not.

    Also I am feeling a bit hurt. It is one thing to kiss a friend in the heat of the moment. But she has known that I've liked her for over a year and it just seems careless to sleep with me if she only intended it to be a one off or was just testing the waters or feeling impulsive.

    Any thoughts/advice?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is she on/off with her bf? She seems to want to emphasize that "you're not dating"?

  3. #3
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    You were a ďsafeĒ person for her to sleep with.
    Yes it was wrong of her to use you for sex but she played the game very well.
    Welcome to a womanís world !
    She is not interested in you romantically but she knew she could have sex if she wanted it. And yes she wanted it. Nothing more nothing less.

  4. #4

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Is she on/off with her bf? She seems to want to emphasize that "you're not dating"?
    She isn't on/off. That did occur to me as well. They broke up around 2 years ago. But they were together for 5 years and he was apparently quite controlling and selfish and stingy with money and I think it might have put her off relationships.

    I had no idea women have sex with guys just because they are "safe". I'd assume they'd need to be some physical attraction. And does that mean she might want it again given she has already done it once?
    I don't think I can do straight friends any more but might be able to handle being friends with benefits. Problem is she doesnt seem interested in clarifying things.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by viking22
    She isn't on/off. That did occur to me as well. They broke up around 2 years ago. But they were together for 5 years and he was apparently quite controlling and selfish and stingy with money and I think it might have put her off relationships.

    I had no idea women have sex with guys just because they are "safe". I'd assume they'd need to be some physical attraction. And does that mean she might want it again given she has already done it once?
    I don't think I can do straight friends any more but might be able to handle being friends with benefits. Problem is she doesnt seem interested in clarifying things.
    She has been pretty clear! She doesnít want a relationship nor a friends with benefit thing.
    She has admitted to using you as a one off and not suggested a repeat of that.

    Doesnít necessarily need to be physical attraction for a one off just a need not to be repulsed.

    She is not interested. But at this point you are an option for a booty call. If you are on to be on standby for that, great. If not , then stop hanging out with her.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Coming from a woman's perspective I can tell you that she likes you well enough to have 'fun' but she's never going to fall in love with you and there isn't any feelings attached to the physical things she does with you.

    I know that's hard to hear and in some ways, she is using you. But you're allowing it.

    Maybe she assumes that you are only wanting casual as well. But if you're getting attached and hoping for it to be a relationship, than you need to stay away from her.

    Her heart isn't in it and you need to finally see that.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Coming from a woman's perspective I can tell you that she likes you well enough to have 'fun' but she's never going to fall in love with you and there isn't any feelings attached to the physical things she does with you.

    I know that's hard to hear and in some ways, she is using you. But you're allowing it.

    Maybe she assumes that you are only wanting casual as well. But if you're getting attached and hoping for it to be a relationship, than you need to stay away from her.

    Her heart isn't in it and you need to finally see that.
    Completely agree!
    Itís sort of ironic though isnít it?
    Women have been on the receiving end of this for centuries.
    But taboo , could not discuss with anyone and no online forums to anonymously discuss.

  9. #8
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    A person can sleep with someone they are not in love with.

    When they run hot and cold between lovers and friends, when they teeter back and forth across the friends/lovers line, it means they only like you as a friend. Probably forever - that's why they call it the friends' zone.

    Find a new woman to date.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    Completely agree!
    Itís sort of ironic though isnít it?
    Women have been on the receiving end of this for centuries.

    Meh, OP is a tad sensitive. I don't mind being used by women whatsoever. The more the better!

    OP, just forget her, she is not the one for you.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You don't need a specific clarification if you want fwb and that's how she's acting.
    Originally Posted by viking22
    I don't think I can do straight friends any more but might be able to handle being friends with benefits. Problem is she doesnt seem interested in clarifying things.

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