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Thread: Ex bf wants closure after a year

  1. #1

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    Ex bf wants closure after a year

    My ex boyfriend talked to my younger sister and told her he is planning to have a closure with me. I was shocked because it has been a year. He was the one who broke up with me and he is now dating someone else (although their relationship is going downhill). I don't know the reason why he still needs closure when he was the one who dumped me for some reason. He told my sister that he doesn't like avoiding someone anymore because we see each other at church every sunday. It is just so weird. I honestly don't want anything to do with him anymore. In reality, if only there is a world without him in it, I would gladly live there. He knows I am leaving for college soon and I would be far. He told my sister that before I would leave, he would talk to me for "closure". Boy, it's very clear to me that we are already over and I had my closure when he left me a year ago.

    What do I do? Should I allow myself to talk to him? Ever since we broke up, we never said a word to each other. What does everything mean? Why does he want closure when it's pretty clear that everything is closed?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I wouldn't bother breaking your brain trying to figure out his intentions. Maybe he's never liked the way things ended, maybe his current thing is fizzling out and stirring some feelings, maybe he'd just like to strike a "good note" with you before you leave for college, maybe...doesn't really matter.

    What matters is how it sits with you, what you'd like, and you sound pretty clear on that front. The chapter is closed for you, has been for a long time, so no need to open it back up for a moment to, well, close close it. Very mature outlook, really, since closure is ultimately something that comes from within, and with time, not something another person delivers.

    I've had nice meetings with exes, bad meetings with exes, and exes I've never talked to again. No rules, really. Just go with what you're feeling, what works for you. In this case I'd just send him a polite note declining and wishing him the best.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. He doesn't want "closure". There's no such thing. Closure is the breakup. He wants a hookup for his own convenience because whoever he dumped you for dumped him. Ask your sister to stop communicating with him.. Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. Focus on college, your future and your new social there. Leave the past in the past.
    Originally Posted by Eyalline
    -He was the one who broke up with me and he is now dating someone else. he was the one who dumped me for some reason.
    -I honestly don't want anything to do with him anymore.
    -I had my closure when he left me a year ago.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    What Wiseman said. A person gives themselves closure, not the person they dumped! Ignore this guy and move on with your live, which it sounds like you have done.

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  6. #5
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    I have never understood the logic behind "closure comes from within." Oh I know it's one of those catch-all phrases that's become very popular in today's society, but I am still not quite sure how one can obtain closure from within, except of course, giving yourself enough time to heal so that getting closure from your partner doesn't even matter anymore.

    For example, let's say you've been dating someone for a few months or even years sometimes and suddenly they stop contacting you, fell off the face of the earth. Ghosted you.

    You have no idea why, things were going well, and you are completely blindsided. So you are left wracking your brain for months thinking of all these different scenarios it could be, all of which equals no closure. And as a result you're struggling to move on.

    On the other hand, let's say the same person who ghosted in the first scenario explained to you the reasons he/she wanted to break up. There was a thread earlier wherein the OP ended it with her boyfriend saying she didn't believe they shared the same values and priorities, and presented reasons why she felt that way. All which equals closure. For both her and her partner.

    So now her/his partner (both actually) can move on properly and heal without being distracted by not knowing what the hell happened - no closure.

    I don't buy the theory "it doesn't matter." That all that's important is it's over. You give yourself closure.

    Of course it matters, and it's human to believe it matters.

    OP, my guess (and it really is just a guess) is your ex is beginning to get serious, or wants to get serious with his new girlfriend, but before he can move forward with her, there are still some things that trouble him about your relationship and/or breakup, things that weren't said that he'd like to say, so that he can move forward with her, with a free heart, mind, body and spirit.

    Why not grant him that? It may help you too, I get the sense you still feel some resentment, residual anger, even after a year.

    So talk to him, for him and for you too.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 07-10-2019 at 10:13 PM.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm not sure why he had to pick on your younger sister to be his messenger of foreboding. It seems a bit overdramatic/suspenseful, even comical, for no good reason.

    If you are curious, I don't see why you can't listen to him. It might help him get things out of his system. You may help him regain peace of mind (maybe his soul too) and you get to feel good about liberating his tormented soul. Isn't it the Christian thing to do anyway? Win/win, as I see it.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 07-10-2019 at 10:12 PM.

  8. #7

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    thank you so much

  9. #8

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    thanks for the advice :)

  10. #9
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    OP, he isn't looking for "closure."

    He's looking for a back-up plan if his new relationship falls apart. But he will bounce again as soon as he's gotten his ego boosted from you. Don't bother with this.

    I am curious how you know about his relationship being in the weeds, though. Where are you getting this information?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    He may have bridged an awkward run-in with your sister if he believed that she was PO'd about how he left you, so he may have just fed her that to get through the convo.

    I wouldn't put any stock in second hand info.

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