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Thread: Feelings. The death of my first love.

  1. #1
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Feelings. The death of my first love.

    I very recently heard of the death of my first serious boyfriend. I'm struggling with my feelings about this.
    We had not seen each other in person for so many years, and yet, I'm grieving. We had kept in sporadic contact via email over the years. Nothing big, just how each other was doing and chit chat about books and music.
    I feel so sad and so many memories have resurfaced.
    We were young when we met, were together for several years, were engaged. While we were together, he started to present symptoms and was diagnosed with schizophrenia. It was quite severe, and even with treatment was a massive challenge for him through out his life. He did not reach his 40th birthday.
    I loved him in that total and reckless way people often do in their early 20s. I know he loved me too. Our relationship ended with a lot of pain, as his hallucinations and delusions had become a risk to my safety. It wasn't lack of love, but pragmatism, the situation was no longer healthy. It totally broke my heart, and I carried guilt for a lot of years. How could I turn away from someone I loved when it wasn't his fault he was ill?! And yet, I knew what people told me was true about the life I would lead if I stayed.
    As the years passed, we got to a place where it was friendly emails, just limited to that, just gentle support for each other's paths. He was in and out of hospital through the years. Sometimes he'd have periods where things were good, but his illness was always a serious challenge.
    I just feel so sad. I knew this possibility existed, but it still hit me like a punch to the gut. How can he be gone?
    I never stopped caring for him. Yes, I moved on and I fell in love again. But I mean caring for him as a person, I always was wishing the very best for him. It seems so unfair. And it hurts, it hurts he is no longer in this world.
    It's confusing. He hasn't been an every day part ofy life for a very long time. I do mourn for him, I do miss him already.

    Thanks for letting me get this out.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I am just so very sorry to hear this.

    There is not a single feeling you can have right now that is "right" or "wrong." Honor them all by feeling them, and honor him, and your connection, in the process. That's not even an easy sentence for me to write, because this story is hitting me in the gut, or at least stirring stuff in my own life, so I can't begin to imagine how hard it is for you.

    You loved him and he loved you, best you both could. I'm not sure any of us can ask more from life than that, hard and strange as life is, and unquestionably harder for some than others.

    Feeling for you. Big hugs. Out on the west coast I'll be thinking of you—and him—today.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member sophie274's Avatar
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    I’m so sorry to hear this itsallgrand. Schizophrenia can be such a devastating illness. It must have been so hard to see someone you loved so much go through it. Reading your post, it’s lovely to hear you two were able to continue caring for and supporting one another even after the romantic relationship ended. Big hugs, take care of yourself.

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    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry to hear this. What a difficult and devastating situation.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Thanks so much for listening, and the empathy.
    He really was a very special person. And what initially attracted me to him was his intellect, as he was incredibly intelligent and curious. Even the midst of his illness, he studied and read and created. He tried so hard to overcome. He had this courageous curiousity that I loved so much.

    I went to his grave yesterday, and left flowers. I cried, I talked to him.

    I don't know the details of his passing. They only said it was sudden, and in his home. I just hope he did not feel alone.

  7. #6
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    I'm sorry to hear this, S. I hope you can find peace and comfort in your memories...Hugs.

  8. #7
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I am so sorry to hear about this . That is really heartbreaking . Hugs and love to you . ❤️

  9. #8
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    ((HUGS))

    I am so sorry grand, losing a loved one is hard enough, but when you lose them through mental illness, I'm not sure why but it seems to hurt more.

    Feeling like perhaps you could have done more, or been there more, a myriad of emotions really.

    Please know you did your best, you loved him and he knew that. And he loved you.

    As blue so eloquently posted, you can't ask more from life than that.

    He's at peace now, may he rest quietly. xx

  10. #9
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    So sorry for your loss. May your memories bring you comfort. ((Hugs))

  11. #10
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Feeling like perhaps you could have done more, or been there more, a myriad of emotions really.

    Please know you did your best, you loved him and he knew that. And he loved you.
    I've been re reading all your kind posts. I've been walking around with this sinking feeling since I've heard. I know it's true he is gone, but it still doesn't seem quite real. It's a hard truth to accept.

    I've gone back reading old emails, and they go back a long way as that email account is the first one I ever had. When email accounts were just becoming a thing! I had saved a lot , going back to when we first starting going out.
    It's so strange, it's like I can hear his voice speaking when reading through.

    Kat, you nailed it with knowing there are these myriad of emotions going on. Yeah, I've found myself wondering if there was more I could I have done? Did I do right by him? All these things. In the emails , there were several times over the years he asked to meet up. I kept deferring. I never did meet up with him in person after our final breakup. I didn't want things to get complicated. And I was scared, of what feelings may come up and/or what may happen. I too didn't want him to get mixed signals from me.
    I don't think I made a bad choice, but I also thought, some day or some how, maybe I would come across him again. It's hard to describe.

    There's so much I could write about him. But this is enough for now.

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