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Thread: How to deal with a grieving man

  1. #1
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    How to deal with a grieving man

    I am in the dating but non-exclusive stage with a man who is losing his grandma, and is all torn up about it.

    We usually talk a few times every day, but yesterday he did it call until 9pm to say hi/goodnight and I felt something was wrong.

    This morning he called to tell me that maybe itís because heís processing some intense raw emotion right now, but he felt weird that I didnít contact him all day yesterday. That his grandma is on her way out and he was at the hospital for 14 hours yesterday and heís absolutely distraught.

    He said he knows we are in the weird grey area, and he doesnít own and canít expect the world of me. He said maybe heís just feeling really emotional right now. He said he canít hang out tonight or for the next few nights because sheís definitely going to go any day now, and then thereís the wake and funeral.

    I told him I was so sorry to hear what he was going through, and Iíd be a complete mess if it was me. I told him I didnít call because we are in a weird dating place and I wanted to respect his space and not overstep his boundaries. I told him I wanted to be there for him however he needed me to be. Then I asked him what he needed.

    He said heíd like for me to check in with him if I wanted to. I said I would. Then he got off the phone with me cause he said he was really upset and didnít want to talk to anybody.

    How do I support him at this moment?

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Do you really want to support this man? Everyone loses their grandparents. It's part of life, but if you're a grown up man, you deal with it without falling apart and lashing out at other people for not giving comfort. You're not even an official girlfriend.

    Is this a guy you really want to pursue?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Is this the same guy from the last post? The one still grieving his last relationshipóand, now, his grandmother?

    Regardless, I think you do what you're doing: being there. But do know that you're allowed to decide this is too much for you, rather than worrying about it all being too much for him. You're not his girlfriend, and just as (per the last post) I'd be wary about forging a romantic bond built around nursing him through past romantic pain, I'd also be wary about forging one by being his nurse through familial grief.

    As it stands, it sounds like you've already taken on those roles, to varying degrees. Certainly sounds that he, at least, wants you in those roles. You're talking multiple times a dayómore than I talk with my girlfriend of 7 months, but everyone is different. And now you're asking him how you can be there, in whatever way he needs, as he goes through this. That's not dating to explore the possibility of a relationship, but basically partnership, or something, fast-tracked by grief.

    It's your life, your connection, so you'll explore it in whatever way works for you. Would I be concerned, in your shoes, that I've met someone when he's not in a state to form a genuine connection? I would. How would I respond to that? It would depend. I'd check in with my gutóabout how I really feel about this person, about how much of a risk I'm willing to take, about whether I feel this person is able to deliver what I need at this stage.

    Speaking frankly? I don't get the best vibe that he calls you to say it was weird you hadn't called him but then gets off the phone saying he's upset and doesn't want to talk to anybody. Grief is grief, I get it. Were he an old friend or a boyfriendówell, go for it, fling that grief around a bit. That's what close people are for.

    But this is still foundation building, and he sounds awfully sensitive, fragile, and a touch (more than a touch) dramatic. You might have to be the one to decide whether or not the foundation is being built in way that allows you to feel secure and excited about things, not just in a way that is giving him a dose of comfort in a storm.

  4. #4
    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    Do you really want to support this grown snowflake? Everyone loses their grandparents. It's part of life, but if you're a grown up man, you deal with it without falling apart and lashing out at other people for not giving comfort. You're not even an official girlfriend.

    Is this a guy you really want to pursue?
    Yeah, God forbid a man show a little weakness and irrationality when dealing with the inevitable loss of someone he's very much deeply connected to. Dude can't even call himself a real man, am I right? Real men eat grief for breakfast and don't even need to wash it down. That's for weak b**ches.

    What a snowflake, indeed. /s

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  6. #5
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    His grandmother was always going to pass away in his lifetime. Fact.

    Yes itís sad to lose a grandparent. For everyone , moreso for those raised solely by their grandparent. (Although Iím guessing thatís not the case since you didnít mention so)
    Iíve lost all 4.

    He is being over dramatic. And btw he never even texted you to tell you his grandmother was ill and he was at the hospital all day (no idea why he was there 14 hrs , for all he knows she could hang on a few more weeks , is he going to spend 14 hrs there everyday until she passes?)

    When she does pass you wonít be at the funeral or wake as I doubt you have met any of his family or her.
    So , no, you shouldnít be someone to offer support. (Nor should he seek it from you) He gets that from family.

    Instead he should seek you out as a welcome distraction from it all. But he isnít.

    I thought with past advice you were ready to walk away from this boy 2 weeks ago?
    You have only been dating 40ish days.

  7. #6
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    I take it you have met in person and gone out with him a few times?

    Of so, had he ever mentioned his grandma being terminally ill before this incident?

    I think this whole situatuon sounds "weird." You apparently questioning him/telling him things seem off, and his response "maybe it's because my grandma is on her way out."

    And then him telling you it was "weird" that you had not contacted him all day. Wha?

    Jmo but it sounds to me like he is used to women giving him a lot of attention, texting him all day long, and since you are not -- everything seems "weird."

    Insecurity at its finest.

    Re his grandma, who knows. If he had never mentioned her terminal illness before this, I question it.

    Not her illness but the effect her illness has on him and how it's contributing to how "weird" he feels now.

    Something is not jiving.

    Proceed with caution.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 07-10-2019 at 10:53 AM.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    If he had never mentioned her terminal illness before this, I question it.
    I do find this a bit odd as well... he didn't tell you at the end of the day that his grandma was in the hospital (or at any point throughout the day) but the next morning he called to tell you it was weird that he didn't hear from you? And why the heck didn't he tell you what was going on with her earlier if he wanted your support??

  9. #8
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    To add^^ and if his grandma's illness is having such a huge effect on him, such that he's bothered when he does not hear from you all day, why is he dating at all!?

    I could see if you were in an established long term relationship, but you are a brand new woman.

    I dunno, again, to me something's not jiving.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Don't "check in with him". He has your contact info. Be there when he reaches out. That's enough. Keep in mind you're not exclusive and while his grandmother may very ill, he may be stretching it to make time for others. Let him call you. He has a phone, he's a grown up.
    Originally Posted by Badlover
    I told him I wanted to be there for him however he needed me to be. Then I asked him what he needed. He said heíd like for me to check in with him if I wanted to.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Don't "check in with him". He has your contact info. Be there when he reaches out. That's enough. Keep in mind you're not exclusive and while his grandmother may very ill, he may be stretching it to make time for others. Let him call you. He has a phone, he's a grown up.
    Agree!!

    .....

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