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Thread: How to deal with a grieving man

  1. #11
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    All grandmothers have a terminal illness. Itís called old age. Itís inevitable.
    At some point relatives are told itís only a matter of days now.

    I find it odd that someone would spend 14 hrs at a hospital with a grandparent that is expected to pass.
    I wonder how many hrs he spent a week with her when she wasnít expected to pass?

  2. #12
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    This guy is far too much hard work. I read your other posts too.

    You've already been supportive but it is far too much to lean on you when you two barely know each other. I'm sure he has friends and other relatives to lean on.

    He wants all the parts that benefit him of a serious relationship, but unwilling to do that for you.

    I hope you are still dating others.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm a mixture of different posts already posted above. For whatever reason (his reasons), he's having a tough time. I also don't think it's anyone's measure how grief should be dealt with. Death is painful for a lot of people. Witnessing the death of an elderly person is still painful because memories may be conjured and that person may represent a chapter of a person's life. We cannot know what one person means to another and death is a very raw experience. I don't think it's fair to judge the impact of a death based on age or elderly status.

    The most that you can do is carry on with your life and don't become overly involved to the point where you feel emotionally drained. I think half the problem or most of the problem is you. You should create some buffer between him and you and have outlets for yourself where you are able to recharge and center yourself. Don't hover. Live your life confidently and continue to fulfill your goals and find enjoyment in the little and big things. Create a sense of normalcy in your life and do not be consumed by his ongoings. He needs to go through whatever he's going through. Try and realize that death is a part of life. Trying to understand what death means to one person is futile. It's a very personal experience. Use that buffer.

  4. #14
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    I would give him the benefit of the doubt, and not judge his present situation with his past behaviour. Also, I agree with Rose as in it's not our place to decide how others react and process grief.

    In any event, I wouldn't jump to conclusions at this point. Time will tell if there's a shady side to this, yet in the mean time it's best to lie low, (imo).

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  6. #15
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    Badlover, is this the same man as in your previous thread? Your last post in your previous thread was that you were going to end it with him, and was asking the best way to do that.

    Which is why I am asking if it's the same guy.

    Anyway, based on your previous thread, I am going to presume it's a new guy.

    So again, I ask, have you met and spent time with him in person? Or is this just a cyber thing at this point?

    Not judging, just asking. But it does make a difference imo.

  7. #16
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    I feel bad for his grief, but if this is a different guy than your previous thread, he's only been seeing you a couple weeks, so I would just keep expectations low. It sounds like he had a bit higher expectations than matches the level of commitment. When you get the next chance, it might be worth clarifying that. You can check up on him from now and then, but you can't be his babysitter. He can call you as well as you can call him if he'd like to chat.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Badlover

    He said he canít hang out tonight or for the next few nights because sheís definitely going to go any day now, and then thereís the wake and funeral.
    I am of the belief that sometimes you just gotta utilize the intuition the Universe granted us with and good ole common sense.

    His above comment makes very little sense to me, assuming he likes you and is interested in continuing dating you and developing a relationship with you.

    I mean think about it, his grandmother has not even passed on yet, yet he's warning you in advance he won't be available to spend time until she does. And then of course the wake and funeral, which again is odd for him to mention since she hasn't passed on yet.

    What if she ends up living another month, or two or three? Or longer? When my mom was dying, the doctors said any day, and my mom ended up living for another three months!

    I went to visit whenever I could, but I still dated and lived my life.

    And he would too, including dating you, if he wanted to.

    I am going to echo what Wiseman said earlier:

    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Don't "check in with him". He has your contact info. Be there when he reaches out. That's enough. Keep in mind you're not exclusive and while his grandmother may very ill, he may be stretching it to make time for others. Let him call you. He has a phone, he's a grown up.
    Worthy of note: Wiseman is a man with a lot of experience. Frankly, I trust most if not all of what he says because of it.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 07-10-2019 at 05:32 PM.

  9. #18
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I agree with Katrina. There's no reason he has to shut you out just because his grandmother is going any day now.. Most people would want people around them that they love.

  10. #19
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    In your previous thread you said he kept mentioning sex even though you prefer to wait. Was he successful in convincing you or did you stick to your boundaries?

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    In your previous thread you said he kept mentioning sex even though you prefer to wait. Was he successful in convincing you or did you stick to your boundaries?
    Is it the same guy bolt? In her previous thread, her last post stated she was going to end it with him.

    So a bit confused about that.

    But she may have posted that it was same guy and I just missed it.

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