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How to deal with a grieving man


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I am in the dating but non-exclusive stage with a man who is losing his grandma, and is all torn up about it.

 

We usually talk a few times every day, but yesterday he did it call until 9pm to say hi/goodnight and I felt something was wrong.

 

This morning he called to tell me that maybe it’s because he’s processing some intense raw emotion right now, but he felt weird that I didn’t contact him all day yesterday. That his grandma is on her way out and he was at the hospital for 14 hours yesterday and he’s absolutely distraught.

 

He said he knows we are in the weird grey area, and he doesn’t own and can’t expect the world of me. He said maybe he’s just feeling really emotional right now. He said he can’t hang out tonight or for the next few nights because she’s definitely going to go any day now, and then there’s the wake and funeral.

 

I told him I was so sorry to hear what he was going through, and I’d be a complete mess if it was me. I told him I didn’t call because we are in a weird dating place and I wanted to respect his space and not overstep his boundaries. I told him I wanted to be there for him however he needed me to be. Then I asked him what he needed.

 

He said he’d like for me to check in with him if I wanted to. I said I would. Then he got off the phone with me cause he said he was really upset and didn’t want to talk to anybody.

 

How do I support him at this moment?

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Do you really want to support this man? Everyone loses their grandparents. It's part of life, but if you're a grown up man, you deal with it without falling apart and lashing out at other people for not giving comfort. You're not even an official girlfriend.

 

Is this a guy you really want to pursue?

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Is this the same guy from the last post? The one still grieving his last relationship—and, now, his grandmother?

 

Regardless, I think you do what you're doing: being there. But do know that you're allowed to decide this is too much for you, rather than worrying about it all being too much for him. You're not his girlfriend, and just as (per the last post) I'd be wary about forging a romantic bond built around nursing him through past romantic pain, I'd also be wary about forging one by being his nurse through familial grief.

 

As it stands, it sounds like you've already taken on those roles, to varying degrees. Certainly sounds that he, at least, wants you in those roles. You're talking multiple times a day—more than I talk with my girlfriend of 7 months, but everyone is different. And now you're asking him how you can be there, in whatever way he needs, as he goes through this. That's not dating to explore the possibility of a relationship, but basically partnership, or something, fast-tracked by grief.

 

It's your life, your connection, so you'll explore it in whatever way works for you. Would I be concerned, in your shoes, that I've met someone when he's not in a state to form a genuine connection? I would. How would I respond to that? It would depend. I'd check in with my gut—about how I really feel about this person, about how much of a risk I'm willing to take, about whether I feel this person is able to deliver what I need at this stage.

 

Speaking frankly? I don't get the best vibe that he calls you to say it was weird you hadn't called him but then gets off the phone saying he's upset and doesn't want to talk to anybody. Grief is grief, I get it. Were he an old friend or a boyfriend—well, go for it, fling that grief around a bit. That's what close people are for.

 

But this is still foundation building, and he sounds awfully sensitive, fragile, and a touch (more than a touch) dramatic. You might have to be the one to decide whether or not the foundation is being built in way that allows you to feel secure and excited about things, not just in a way that is giving him a dose of comfort in a storm.

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Do you really want to support this grown snowflake? Everyone loses their grandparents. It's part of life, but if you're a grown up man, you deal with it without falling apart and lashing out at other people for not giving comfort. You're not even an official girlfriend.

 

Is this a guy you really want to pursue?

 

Yeah, God forbid a man show a little weakness and irrationality when dealing with the inevitable loss of someone he's very much deeply connected to. Dude can't even call himself a real man, am I right? Real men eat grief for breakfast and don't even need to wash it down. That's for weak b**ches.

 

What a snowflake, indeed. /s

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His grandmother was always going to pass away in his lifetime. Fact.

 

Yes it’s sad to lose a grandparent. For everyone , moreso for those raised solely by their grandparent. (Although I’m guessing that’s not the case since you didn’t mention so)

I’ve lost all 4.

 

He is being over dramatic. And btw he never even texted you to tell you his grandmother was ill and he was at the hospital all day (no idea why he was there 14 hrs , for all he knows she could hang on a few more weeks , is he going to spend 14 hrs there everyday until she passes?)

 

When she does pass you won’t be at the funeral or wake as I doubt you have met any of his family or her.

So , no, you shouldn’t be someone to offer support. (Nor should he seek it from you) He gets that from family.

 

Instead he should seek you out as a welcome distraction from it all. But he isn’t.

 

I thought with past advice you were ready to walk away from this boy 2 weeks ago?

You have only been dating 40ish days.

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I take it you have met in person and gone out with him a few times?

 

Of so, had he ever mentioned his grandma being terminally ill before this incident?

 

I think this whole situatuon sounds "weird." You apparently questioning him/telling him things seem off, and his response "maybe it's because my grandma is on her way out."

 

And then him telling you it was "weird" that you had not contacted him all day. Wha?

 

Jmo but it sounds to me like he is used to women giving him a lot of attention, texting him all day long, and since you are not -- everything seems "weird."

 

Insecurity at its finest.

 

Re his grandma, who knows. If he had never mentioned her terminal illness before this, I question it.

 

Not her illness but the effect her illness has on him and how it's contributing to how "weird" he feels now.

 

Something is not jiving.

 

Proceed with caution.

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If he had never mentioned her terminal illness before this, I question it.

 

I do find this a bit odd as well... he didn't tell you at the end of the day that his grandma was in the hospital (or at any point throughout the day) but the next morning he called to tell you it was weird that he didn't hear from you? And why the heck didn't he tell you what was going on with her earlier if he wanted your support??

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To add^^ and if his grandma's illness is having such a huge effect on him, such that he's bothered when he does not hear from you all day, why is he dating at all!?

 

I could see if you were in an established long term relationship, but you are a brand new woman.

 

I dunno, again, to me something's not jiving.

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Don't "check in with him". He has your contact info. Be there when he reaches out. That's enough. Keep in mind you're not exclusive and while his grandmother may very ill, he may be stretching it to make time for others. Let him call you. He has a phone, he's a grown up.

I told him I wanted to be there for him however he needed me to be. Then I asked him what he needed. He said he’d like for me to check in with him if I wanted to.
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Don't "check in with him". He has your contact info. Be there when he reaches out. That's enough. Keep in mind you're not exclusive and while his grandmother may very ill, he may be stretching it to make time for others. Let him call you. He has a phone, he's a grown up.

 

Agree!!

 

.....

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All grandmothers have a terminal illness. It’s called old age. It’s inevitable.

At some point relatives are told it’s only a matter of days now.

 

I find it odd that someone would spend 14 hrs at a hospital with a grandparent that is expected to pass.

I wonder how many hrs he spent a week with her when she wasn’t expected to pass?

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This guy is far too much hard work. I read your other posts too.

 

You've already been supportive but it is far too much to lean on you when you two barely know each other. I'm sure he has friends and other relatives to lean on.

 

He wants all the parts that benefit him of a serious relationship, but unwilling to do that for you.

 

I hope you are still dating others.

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I'm a mixture of different posts already posted above. For whatever reason (his reasons), he's having a tough time. I also don't think it's anyone's measure how grief should be dealt with. Death is painful for a lot of people. Witnessing the death of an elderly person is still painful because memories may be conjured and that person may represent a chapter of a person's life. We cannot know what one person means to another and death is a very raw experience. I don't think it's fair to judge the impact of a death based on age or elderly status.

 

The most that you can do is carry on with your life and don't become overly involved to the point where you feel emotionally drained. I think half the problem or most of the problem is you. You should create some buffer between him and you and have outlets for yourself where you are able to recharge and center yourself. Don't hover. Live your life confidently and continue to fulfill your goals and find enjoyment in the little and big things. Create a sense of normalcy in your life and do not be consumed by his ongoings. He needs to go through whatever he's going through. Try and realize that death is a part of life. Trying to understand what death means to one person is futile. It's a very personal experience. Use that buffer.

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I would give him the benefit of the doubt, and not judge his present situation with his past behaviour. Also, I agree with Rose as in it's not our place to decide how others react and process grief.

 

In any event, I wouldn't jump to conclusions at this point. Time will tell if there's a shady side to this, yet in the mean time it's best to lie low, (imo).

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Badlover, is this the same man as in your previous thread? Your last post in your previous thread was that you were going to end it with him, and was asking the best way to do that.

 

Which is why I am asking if it's the same guy.

 

Anyway, based on your previous thread, I am going to presume it's a new guy.

 

So again, I ask, have you met and spent time with him in person? Or is this just a cyber thing at this point?

 

Not judging, just asking. But it does make a difference imo.

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I feel bad for his grief, but if this is a different guy than your previous thread, he's only been seeing you a couple weeks, so I would just keep expectations low. It sounds like he had a bit higher expectations than matches the level of commitment. When you get the next chance, it might be worth clarifying that. You can check up on him from now and then, but you can't be his babysitter. He can call you as well as you can call him if he'd like to chat.

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He said he can’t hang out tonight or for the next few nights because she’s definitely going to go any day now, and then there’s the wake and funeral.

 

 

I am of the belief that sometimes you just gotta utilize the intuition the Universe granted us with and good ole common sense.

 

His above comment makes very little sense to me, assuming he likes you and is interested in continuing dating you and developing a relationship with you.

 

I mean think about it, his grandmother has not even passed on yet, yet he's warning you in advance he won't be available to spend time until she does. And then of course the wake and funeral, which again is odd for him to mention since she hasn't passed on yet.

 

What if she ends up living another month, or two or three? Or longer? When my mom was dying, the doctors said any day, and my mom ended up living for another three months!

 

I went to visit whenever I could, but I still dated and lived my life.

 

And he would too, including dating you, if he wanted to.

 

I am going to echo what Wiseman said earlier:

 

Don't "check in with him". He has your contact info. Be there when he reaches out. That's enough. Keep in mind you're not exclusive and while his grandmother may very ill, he may be stretching it to make time for others. Let him call you. He has a phone, he's a grown up.

 

Worthy of note: Wiseman is a man with a lot of experience. Frankly, I trust most if not all of what he says because of it.

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In your previous thread you said he kept mentioning sex even though you prefer to wait. Was he successful in convincing you or did you stick to your boundaries?

 

Is it the same guy bolt? In her previous thread, her last post stated she was going to end it with him.

 

So a bit confused about that.

 

But she may have posted that it was same guy and I just missed it.

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Hi there, having experienced the grief from losing both my parents and all four of my grandparents, I can share with you that depending on the closeness of the relationship to the individual, each loss affects you differently. And it isn’t always easy to know what to say or do for them. I am so sorry that your friend is going through such a sorrowful time.

 

One way that I support my friends is to pray for them…and with them. It provides the peace that I alone am incapable of giving. I don’t know if he would pray with you or not. And for me, receiving a nice card or note to say that I am being thought of helps to bring a smile to my face. Another way to help is to offer to bring the family a meal or you could send them some flowers; oftentimes they just don’t know what they need or how to express it. These may be a comfort to your friend and his family, especially if he is with them.

 

I am sure thinking of you and praying for him and his family.

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If it's the same guy, it seems like the same game.

 

But if it's not, I don't see anything suspect about being preoccupied with his family and the impending loss of his grandmother. Depending how close and dynamic of the family, it's very possible.

 

Not sure why everyone thinks it's a lame excuse. I pretty much lost 7 weeks with my mothers illness, death and funeral arrangements. I get this is his grandmother. It's not impossible for him to be tied up for a couple of weeks with family.

 

-that is IF it's a different guy than the one before.

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If it's the same guy, it seems like the same game.

 

But if it's not, I don't see anything suspect about being preoccupied with his family and the impending loss of his grandmother. Depending how close and dynamic of the family, it's very possible.

 

Not sure why everyone thinks it's a lame excuse. I pretty much lost 7 weeks with my mothers illness, death and funeral arrangements. I get this is his grandmother. It's not impossible for him to be tied up for a couple of weeks with family.

 

-that is IF it's a different guy than the one before.

 

I hear ya reinvent, I lost much longer than that after the loss of my mom and dad. I lost literally months, and my boyfriend at the time was a rock for me during that time.

 

What I found odd was that he was telling the OP he would have no time to spend with her, talking about his granny's wake and funeral, before she has even died. Or even knowing for sure when she would die.

 

And then saying things like it felt "weird" that she had not contacted him all day (subtle guilt trip?), when he could have easily contacted her, letting her know he was in hospital visiting his grandmother, assuming that is where he actually was.

 

There were other things too but those were the main ones and all things combined, something just sounds very off to me.

 

JMO.

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And heck if it is a different guy, we don't even know for sure if they've met in person yet. She mentioned "hanging out" but we don't know if that means actual in person dates or interacting on line. The lines are really blurry about that.

 

I have asked her but she has not returned to answer.

 

I could be wrong of course, but the whole thing just sounds very odd. My spiny senses and all that.

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