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Thread: First Heartbreak is a weird breakup, what do I do?

  1. #1

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    First Heartbreak is a weird breakup, what do I do?

    Long story but I need to explain it all to get the best advice. Was dating this girl for a little over two months. In mid-may, she said she wanted a break from consistently hanging out multiple times per week bc of her adding a second job and us not living too close. We did try to hang out during that time but didn’t work out.

    Fast forward about a month, I got a new place and we were living closer. She was more settled in so I asked if we can start hanging again and she dropped on me that we should stop seeing each other because she’s still not over an ex and doesn’t want to involve anyone else in her life romantically for awhile and be in another serious relationship yet. This surprised me because while we were dating she seemed to very much be relationshipy. Really felt like she strung me along for awhile giving me all the signs that she wanted things to get serious eventually, I was pretty blindsided. Said she likes me and cares about me and wants me in her life but understood if that wasn’t right for me. Told me she didn’t want anyone in her life romantically including sex and hook ups, so “friends with benefits” was off the table. She knew I had feelings for her and didn’t want to string me along and get my feelings more involved while hers weren’t available right now. I was definitely hurt but understood and said I wanted to stay in each other’s lives. I appreciated her honesty.

    So we kept texting. She was still texting me a lot and I was returning the favor. We’d go a few days without texting but last Monday she really ramped it up again, telling me everything about her day. We were texting like we were still dating. We had tried to hang out as friends during this period but couldn’t because she was “busy.” But she started to ask more again about hanging out, to the point where she was basically saying to get late night food by me and then asking to stay over here last Tuesday. She was clearly drunk though so I wasn’t pursuing and I think she came to her senses and said to hang out another the next day (Wednesday). Wednesday came and she was too busy, which I know was actually true.

    Thursday we ended up being in the same beach town for the 4th. She was texting me all day to meet up but I was with my friends and didn’t want to leave them. I told her what bar I’m going to at night and she said she was gonna be there too. I get there and the phone service is bad but she had told me earlier that the friends she went with left but she ran into a guy friend she met once so was hanging with him and his friends. I run into them. The 3 of us hang for awhile and it’s a little awkward but fine. She goes to the bathroom and he asks what our deal is, I explain it and he says how it’s weird she’s handling the situation with us both there. I agreed. He mentioned that they had made out earlier. I was annoyed but not at him at all. She gets back from bathroom and that kid left because he didn’t want to get in the middle of the awkwardness. I said something about them making out and was showing my annoyance a bit. She tried to play it off as meaning nothing and then eventually said she has had sex with one guy since me but it was a drunk hook up that meant nothing and she felt awful afterwards. Said she wanted to see if she could get those intimate feelings again and she couldn’t. Mentioned that I still mean a lot to her but she has this weird intimate thing right now.

    So I got pretty mad and said how it was bull for her to end things because she doesn’t want anything romantic but then went and had sex with another guy very shortly after. And how I felt disrespected that she’d text me to meet up at this bar and then when I get there she’s kissing another dude. I get she’s single and it’s not cheating but I didn’t need to hear about it so soon. I just felt so disrespected that earlier in the week she's sending me all these mixed signals, then comes to the bar she knows I'm gonna be at and wanted to meet up at, but still made out with another dude before I got there. We had a fight that continued over text the next day. I told her why that stuff made me feel betrayed a bit. And that I felt like she was always too busy to see me but had no problem texting me 24/7 about her life. Plus with the almost drunk hook up we had, I felt a lot of mixed signals. I unloaded all that and she said she didn’t feel like she wronged me at all and that I didn’t need to keep texting her if it felt wrong.

    I reached back out a couple days later to apologize if I overreacted but I said how she had to get why it was tough for me to hear about her with other guys so soon, especially one I met at the bar she knew I was coming to. She was kind of short of me and apologized for how things went down. I suggested we take some time off of talking and trying to hang out as friends and she said “that’s fine. Do what you need.” And we haven’t talked since then.

    I’m 23 and this is my first real heartbreak. She is unbelievably attractive, like a legit 9 or 10. And I’m below average looking but have gotten with attractive girls before just none like her. But my feelings for her were way more than that because she was super cool too. I liked her for way more than her looks. I just feel like I’ll never find another girl like her that I’m both physically and emotionally attracted to this way, which is making this even harder. We had a genuine connection and I could maybe see us being friends when feelings blow over, but I don't know if that's right.

    What I want to know is this. Do you guys think I overreacted to the situation? Should I try to keep her in my life as a friend eventually? Do you think there’s any chance we get back together?
    Last edited by lifewtr; 07-09-2019 at 10:54 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lifewtr
    Do you guys think I overreacted to the situation? Should I try to keep her in my life as a friend eventually? Do you think there’s any chance we get back together?
    I'll start with the basics and then expand. To answer these questions simply: No, no, and no.

    She was rebounding when you met her, and she's rebounding now. She was honest about this—which, hey, great. Happens. We think we're ready for something, or something comes our way that feels good, but suddenly we realize it's too much, that we're not ready. Everything she said. When you encounter this in the future—and you will—just know that's when you step away, for real, for you.

    You didn't quite step away. You opted for the "stay in each other's lives" bit, which is nearly always a recipe for more pain. She'd been honest, so now she could text you when she wanted, even push things a bit, without feeling guilty or that she's leading you on. You, meanwhile, are in a completely different headspace—hanging on every word, thinking of every "more than friend" sparkle as an opening for another round of romance.

    Not a good mix, all that, as you've learned. She's a bit lost, feeling stuff, and finding some relief through attention—texting you here, sleeping with someone there, making out with someone else. That's all human. Doesn't make her a witch. But it does make her someone for you to steer clear of—basically follow the lead of the dude who made out with her, who saw the writing on the wall and bounced. That's a dude who respected himself, and respected reality. Take a cue from him, instead of looking for cues form her.

    It's hard, I know. She's smoking hot, cool, and, for a few weeks, was super into you. Well, now she's just radioactive—because of your history with her, your feelings for her, and the volatile state of her emotional equilibrium. Respect that, and respect yourself. You'll thank yourself later, as a very wise poster on this forum often says.

    How I'd look at it, in your shoes? You know what two months with a cool and hot woman means? It means you are someone cool and hot women are into. There are more out there. Feel this heartache as you need to—and hugs on that front, but it'll pass, and as it does it'll make you stronger. Then find one who is ready, less volatile, and you'll have a blast.

    Keep going down this road? Well, you'll just get blasted.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    She's not interested in you and emotionally unavailable. That you'd entertain being friends at all isn't a good look for you especially for someone as shortsighted and blurry-eyed as her. She's not all there and you're looking very pathetic. To top it off you've started rating her on a scale. If that isn't unattractive also, I'm not sure what is. Try not to measure people on scales and just decide what's good for you and what's not. I'm being honest and have parsed it down as simply as I can. You owe it to yourself to do better.

    Move on.

  4. #4
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    Read bluecastle's post, and then read it again. It's spot-on.

    This girl is on the rebound. She misses her ex, and is dating around and hooking up with other guys (you included) to fill the void he left behind. Expecting anything but random hook-ups with her at this point is just not realistic. She didn't start dating you from a place of truly being ready, and her current behaviour reflects that too. She comes and goes when she feels lonely or bored. That isn't a girl you can take seriously.

    Keeping her as a friend is pointless. She will eventually move on to someone else entirely, and it will hurt like hell to be a witness to that from the sidelines.

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  6. #5

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    Thanks bluecastle. This did help a lot. Appreciate it

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    She's not interested in you and emotionally unavailable. That you'd entertain being friends at all isn't a good look for you especially for someone as shortsighted and blurry-eyed as her. She's not all there and you're looking very pathetic. To top it off you've started rating her on a scale. If that isn't unattractive also, I'm not sure what is. Try not to measure people on scales and just decide what's good for you and what's not. I'm being honest and have parsed it down as simply as I can. You owe it to yourself to do better.

    Move on.
    I actually think Rose's post was spot on! Direct and succinct. :)

  8. #7
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    Yes. You overreacted. You were broken up. You don't get a say in what she does at that point. If you were getting mixed signals, you can ask her about that, but you can't be mad at her for acting single WHEN SHE IS SINGLE!
    You can keep her as a friend if that works for you. Don't push it. Let it happen naturally.
    No. Don't get back together. It didn't work the first time. If you had a genuine connection--one that was truly lasting--you wouldn't have broken up. Chances are she is already dating someone else. You should be, too!


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