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Thread: Guy freaked out about exclusivity,then sent mixed signal, what do i do from here

  1. #1
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    Guy freaked out about exclusivity,then sent mixed signal, what do i do from here

    A guy I’ve been dating for 3 months and I were hanging out recently, we were in bed and I told him I wanted to ask him something and if he could give me an honest answer. He immediately got uncomfortable and said “what do you need to ask me… it’s too soon” Not having any idea what he meant I kept saying whats “too soon”, we were getting nowhere so I told him to forget about what I wanted to ask entirely. The next morning before I left I tried to bring up my question again, he again got uncomfortable and told me it wasn’t a good time to ask. I went home and thought about it and realized that he probably thought I wanted to ask him to be exclusive which would explain why he said it was too soon. Thing is that is so far what I wanted to ask him about – one of his coworkers that’s he always said has a crush on me keep texting me and i wanted to ask him if he was comfortable me telling that guy that the two of us were seeing each. I didn’t want to do it without his okay since it involves his work life. But the thing is this guy had a full on melt down and couldn’t even listen to what I had to say when he thought I wanted to be exclusive!

    Two days later I was out at a festival with my girlfriends, we had met some guys and met up with 2 of my male coworkers and were just chatting with them, when I ran into him there. Since I knew I wasn’t doing anything wrong I went up to him, gave him a big hug and introduced my friends and the guys. He seemed really awkward and immediately told me he was leaving. Hours later in the early hours of the morning I get a text saying “ hope I didn’t cramp your night” I replied that I actually felt I was the one who did that to him since he left so quick, and he replied “ you were with a guy! I didn’t know what to do” I replied that the man I was standing with at the time was my coworker, I was saying that to you that then you said you were leaving. I hope you guys had fun”. He never replied and he haven’t talked since ( 1 day). I’m a little annoyed because obviously from our conversation-or lack there of- he made it pretty clear to me that he wasn’t ready to be exclusive, yet felt it was appropriate to call me out when he ran into me with another guy without even knowing the background of who he was..!! I also feel a little disrespected that he never listened to what I had to say in the first place..but overall he is a nice guy so im really torn at what to do. The festival I saw him it is also I festival that is going on in m city for 10 day which is im assuming the reason the thought of being exclusive made him so uncomfortable. He was in a long term relationship for years and this is the first time he will be single for it, which is fine but I wish he could have communicated that like an adult, and if that’s the reason why do you think It’s okay to call me out for just being seen with a guy. Is the right move to just go a few days without speaking, give each other some space then see where we both at? Or wait for him to reach out considering?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What do you want with this guy, at this point?

    Honestly, the "real" question you wanted to bring up sounds very much like the question you assume (correctly, by the sound of it) that he was scared to talk about directly. I mean, if you want to have flirty texts with his coworker—go for it. You're not in an exclusive relationship. If you don't want to—well, shut that down. You're an autonomous adult.

    Asking him if it's "okay" to tell the coworker about you two could sound a lot like you using the coworker as a proxy to push for defining things more clearly and seriously—albeit while also rubbing it in his face a bit that you're being pursed by another.

    So, again: What do you want? After three months—or three days, or three years, or whatever is true for you—it's totally understandable to want things to be less vague. But maybe just have that talk—and, if it's a talk he can't have, then you know he's not someone to keep investing in.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    You need to be honest with him and yourself... if you want an exclusive relationship then have the convo with him. If he freaks out or says he isn’t ready, then he has no right to be upset if you go out with other guys.

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    I believe he already told OP he isn't ready. He knew exactly where the convo was going and he immediately shut it down and said "it's too soon."

    Nuff said.

    If this were me, after three months, I'd wish him well and move on.

    He's either got commitment issues or not all that into me, both of which would not be acceptable for me.

    Decide what's right and best for you but don't waste your time having any more "talks" with him. He's proven he is averse to that.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    I agree with katrina. This is not how a committed man acts. If you can't even have a conversation with this guy without him shutting down, I'm not sure why you want to be more serious with him anyways.

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    Don't ask to ask... just ask.

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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    I believe he already told OP he isn't ready. He knew exactly where the convo was going and he immediately shut it down and said "it's too soon."
    I agree.

    He isn't interested in exclusivity if the mere suggestion of it sent him scurrying away from the topic.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. It's not too soon to lie around in bed, have sex, sleep over, but it's too soon to talk about something that concerns you? Ok dump him. He's very one sided and selfish.

  10. #9
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    He's an inept communicator. He cuts you off before giving you a chance to ask questions, presumes what you're going to ask and manipulates the conversation. Then he gets what he wants by refusing to answer your presumed question which is quite selfish of him.

    Next, he jumps to conclusions when he sees you with his co-worker, awkwardly recoils when you hugged him and storms off in a huff like a spoiled little child.

    As a side note, keep in mind, some people prefer to keep their personal life such as dating / relationships private as opposed to displays of public affection especially in front of colleagues. Some people whether male or female prefer to be discreet. There are times when you need to respect a person's preferences especially in public with colleagues.

    It sounds as if both of you are getting your wires crossed. Have a frank discussion with him minus any distractions.

    He's a high maintenance guy and you have to walk on eggshells in order to date and have a relationship with him.

    I doubt he'll reach out and discuss the root of the problem which is his poor communication style. Reach out to him and if communicating with this guy proves to be too taxing, then ask yourself if he is the one for you or not. Proceed from there.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Taralynnski
    A guy I’ve been dating for 3 months and I were hanging out recently, we were in bed and I told him I wanted to ask him something and if he could give me an honest answer. He immediately got uncomfortable and said “what do you need to ask me… it’s too soon” Not having any idea what he meant I kept saying whats “too soon”, we were getting nowhere so I told him to forget about what I wanted to ask entirely. The next morning before I left I tried to bring up my question again, he again got uncomfortable and told me it wasn’t a good time to ask. I went home and thought about it and realized that he probably thought I wanted to ask him to be exclusive which would explain why he said it was too soon. Thing is that is so far what I wanted to ask him about – one of his coworkers that’s he always said has a crush on me keep texting me and i wanted to ask him if he was comfortable me telling that guy that the two of us were seeing each. I didn’t want to do it without his okay since it involves his work life. But the thing is this guy had a full on melt down and couldn’t even listen to what I had to say when he thought I wanted to be exclusive!

    Two days later I was out at a festival with my girlfriends, we had met some guys and met up with 2 of my male coworkers and were just chatting with them, when I ran into him there. Since I knew I wasn’t doing anything wrong I went up to him, gave him a big hug and introduced my friends and the guys. He seemed really awkward and immediately told me he was leaving. Hours later in the early hours of the morning I get a text saying “ hope I didn’t cramp your night” I replied that I actually felt I was the one who did that to him since he left so quick, and he replied “ you were with a guy! I didn’t know what to do” I replied that the man I was standing with at the time was my coworker, I was saying that to you that then you said you were leaving. I hope you guys had fun”. He never replied and he haven’t talked since ( 1 day). I’m a little annoyed because obviously from our conversation-or lack there of- he made it pretty clear to me that he wasn’t ready to be exclusive, yet felt it was appropriate to call me out when he ran into me with another guy without even knowing the background of who he was..!! I also feel a little disrespected that he never listened to what I had to say in the first place..but overall he is a nice guy so im really torn at what to do. The festival I saw him it is also I festival that is going on in m city for 10 day which is im assuming the reason the thought of being exclusive made him so uncomfortable. He was in a long term relationship for years and this is the first time he will be single for it, which is fine but I wish he could have communicated that like an adult, and if that’s the reason why do you think It’s okay to call me out for just being seen with a guy. Is the right move to just go a few days without speaking, give each other some space then see where we both at? Or wait for him to reach out considering?
    The boldfaced part of your question is where you made a mistake. Do not try to talk about another guy while in bed with a guy.

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