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When a man withdraws...?


antonella234

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Hi there,

I was dating this guy (as in going out on dates, getting to know each other, talking every day but not yet as girlfriend/boyfriend, taking it slow) for the past three months and everything was going great.

Eventually, last week, he started acting off. I asked him if anything was up and he told me he wasn't feeling very well but it wasn't anything to do with me. I told him if he wanted to talk to me, he could, but he isn't the kind of person to vent or talk about his feelings very much - he told me he doesn't even talk too much about that to his guy friends, he prefers to deal with it alone. Ok, all good.

A couple of days pass, he is still acting weird and different, less attentive, but he reassures, once again, that it was nothing to do with me. At some point, he texts me saying he wasn't feeling well still and he didn't want to come off as rude or anything to me so he would talk to me later.

3 silent days pass and I was feeling insecure (as if he was ghosting me and I have a pretty bad story with it from my past). So I asked him if anything was up and if he wanted me to drop contact entirely, I just would like to be told so I didn't bother him again and i'd respect it. Nothing too crazy, but I understand that maybe I was being a bit too insecure. However, I needed to know so I could lick my wounds and move on, instead of waiting. A couple of hours later, he told me he still isn't in a good emotional moment and he doesn't think it's fair for me (or anyone) to talk to someone who isn't ok right now. I told him it was ok and all that but he didn't reply telling me if we would talk again eventually or not.

The thing is, as we are not in a relationship, i don't know if I should take this as a polite rejection (I literally just wanted a very blunt one, if I could pick lol) or as what he told me? I won't reach out anymore but what should I think/do? Is it usual for guys, generally speaking, to just drop off when they aren't well? If so, for how long?

Thank you!

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Is it usual for guys, generally speaking, to just drop off when they aren't well? If so, for how long?

Thank you!

 

No, not at all usual... we men are big babies and we like to have someone to take care of us when we are not feeling well! He thinking it wasn't "fair" for you to talk to him because he wasn't "OK" sounds way strange. There is something he is not telling you. I would lick my wounds and move along...

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You've barely known one another for 3 months, you're not actually in a serious relationship but you pressure him to answer the same question 3 times in less than one week.

 

I would say that's time to call it a day.

 

I understand you might be insecure, but maybe it's better if you admitted to yourself that you're not in a good place to be dating at the moment.

 

You should have just left this guy alone and let him sort whatever was going on, on his own for a least a week or two, then start asking whats up but even then, don't keep asking and asking.

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I think it IS about you. He's not into you enough to give you anything except some vague reason for his not wanting to hang out. Don't let him do that to you. If he were crazy about you, he'd want you around all the time.

 

Move on.

 

That was my initial response. As time passed, I began thinking about the million possibilities that there are but maybe it's as simple as what you had said. Thank you for the time and opinion, it hurts but it's what i need to read

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You've barely known one another for 3 months, you're not actually in a serious relationship but you pressure him to answer the same question 3 times in less than one week.

 

I would say that's time to call it a day.

 

I understand you might be insecure, but maybe it's better if you admitted to yourself that you're not in a good place to be dating at the moment.

 

You should have just left this guy alone and let him sort whatever was going on, on his own for a least a week or two, then start asking whats up but even then, don't keep asking and asking.

 

I know, I'm kicking myself for doing that but I was feeling so weirded out as he was the one who talked more about going on dates and we had such a consistent thing going on up until that point. It's done though, nothing I can do now. I won't reach out anymore, for sure. Thank you for the feedback

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If you're still not sure where something is going after 3 months and he's making excuses to not have to interact with you, it's not going anywhere.

 

People that are interested in committing and taking a relationship further do not act like this.

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If you're still not sure where something is going after 3 months and he's making excuses to not have to interact with you, it's not going anywhere.

 

People that are interested in committing and taking a relationship further do not act like this.

 

I guess I was trying to be understanding that maybe there is actually something happening in his life. It isn't out of the realm of possibilities, I think, especially for someone who isn't very into discussing feelings and whatnot. However, you are right. If it's not meeting my needs, maybe it's time to call it a day. Thanks for the opinion

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I think it's also a matter of not being compatible.

 

He could very well be going through something and isn't the type to want to talk about it or share it with his partner.

You are the opposite. You want to know what's going on and if you can help or work it out together.

 

You're polar opposites. But things like this happen. When you first meet, it can seem great but only until you start seeing other sides of one another through rougher times, etc, will you truly know if you work well together for something serious, or not.

 

It just sounds as though you two are very different people and it, unfortunately, wouldn't work.

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Wow, another thread about a man pulling back/withdrawing after three months.

 

I swear it's absolutely uncanny - the significance of this three month mark.

 

I've lost count of how many times I've heard of this happening! Again, uncanny!!

 

Reinvent made good points about it in a thread yesterday, and I agreed after initially thinking the guy has flat out lost interest and was fading/ghosting.

 

Which no doubt happens of course, but not always.

 

OP, do nothing except live your life same as before you met him.

 

Leave him alone, do not contact him again.

 

If, after taking his "space" (which is what he's doing), he wants to reconnect, he knows where to find you.

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It sounds like this was too slow. At three months you should know where this is going. It sounds more like he got fed up that it was moving at a snail's pace and he wasn't getting any (if you know what I mean). Pardon for sounding vulgar (not intended - just being honest). If he was lukewarm about you during your dates and it moved this slow, it's likely one party was looking for one thing only. You're not on the same page.

 

Lick your wounds regardless and move on. This is over. Be a bit more realistic about the timelines next time. Hope you feel better soon.

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Katrina....when i was in the dating world (and actually dating) I was ALWAYS dumped at the 3 month mark....or the 1 year mark. 3 months mostly. That's when the newness wears off. Then again at the 1 year, when they think...hmmmm….do I see this going into marriage? I had a couple of 2 and 3years until I was married at 32.

But 3 months is VERY COMMON! I did think the same as you tho….that this was the same girl.

 

Now I can't get past 1 date....lol

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Now I can't get past 1 date....lol

 

Oh I am sorry to hear that! But it sounds like you're taking it all in stride, a sense of humor always helps! :D

 

Anyway, John Gray writes about this three month mark in his Mars/Vensus series of books.

 

He said it's a significant time for some people whereby one or both will need to step back and re-evaluate -- what they would like to happen, where they would like things to go moving forward.

 

Do they kick it up to the next level? Do they even want to? Or do they end it? It becomes this back and forth, no straight answers either way, which is exactly what's happening now.

 

John Gray calls it the "uncertainty" stage, he said in all his years of counseling, it's fairly common among men.

 

This is also the time when the woman should pull back too. SHE should also be using this time to reassess, whether or not HE is the right man for her. bluecastle touched on that in a post on another thread.

 

The BEST thing a woman can do when this happens is LEAVE HIM ALONE. Allow him that time to reassess, cave, whatever one wishes to call it.

 

This is what John Gray advises and I've done it. I have had men do the ole "pulling back" routine too, not at three months but at various points throughout our relationship and I have learned to just leave them alone.

 

They've always returned, appreciating that I left them alone and the relationship escalated to the next level.

 

I am NOT suggesting this is true in every case, in fact more likely than not, he realized after three months they are not a good fit and is fading out, too cowardly to just flat out end it.

 

But it's really hard to know which it is but whichever it is the best and only thing a woman can do is leave him alone anyway, do her own thing, and start re-evaluating whether a man that needs to "pull back" to figure stuff out is the right fit for her.

 

Like I said, after taking his "space" and her leaving him alone to do so, IF he realizes he wants to continue on, kicking things up a notch, he knows where to find her!

 

If he does, at that point, it's up to HER to decide whether or not she wants to.

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Katrina....when i was in the dating world (and actually dating) I was ALWAYS dumped at the 3 month mark....or the 1 year mark. 3 months mostly. That's when the newness wears off. Then again at the 1 year, when they think...hmmmm….do I see this going into marriage? I had a couple of 2 and 3years until I was married at 32.

But 3 months is VERY COMMON! I did think the same as you tho….that this was the same girl.

 

Now I can't get past 1 date....lol

 

First 3 months I think most of us are taking it one date at a time. By 3 months you stop and think `this is getting real' I agree. When it starts to get real is typically when it turns a corner, one way or another.

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You should have just left this guy alone and let him sort whatever was going on, on his own for a least a week or two, then start asking whats up but even then, don't keep asking and asking.

 

I agree with this!

 

And ask only ONCE. If he gives an evasive answer, move on.

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I think you’ve gotten all the good advice you need - I just wanted to jump on the bandwagon about the 3-month mark and the 1-year mark and throw in the 6-month mark. Those seem to be the 3 “stops” in a relationship where things get re-evaluated. Those points always make me a bit nervous these days... lol!

 

Also, I agree that a blunt “Hey! I’m sorry but I don’t think this is working for me” would be a lot more kind. I don’t think the “slow fade” or “ghost” is “letting someone down easy” at all! It throws you into a state of anxiety and worry and over-analysis... Simply telling you what the deal is, IMO, is a MUCH easier “let down” in my books. At least you don’t have to wonder - you can just move on. Anyways... I hate that... sorry you are going through this...

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Also, I agree that a blunt “Hey! I’m sorry but I don’t think this is working for me” would be a lot more kind.

 

I agree but it's possible the guy doesn't know what he wants, he's "uncertain" as John Gray refers to it; as some of us have been saying, he needs the space to re-evaluate things, decide what he wants to happen and where he wants things to go.

 

That is why IMO he's not giving her a straight answer and instead of just leaving him alone, she continues to hound him for answers, which only serves to push him further away from knowing what he wants.

 

I could be wrong, guy could simply be a lame-a$$. But hell if he was so sure he wanted things to end, it's quite easy to either not respond at all or tell her in 5 words or less it's not working for him. Easy peasy especially through text!

 

Instead, he gives excuses that he's not feeling well and has got her "on hold" until he decides.

 

Up to her whether or not that's okay with her.

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I agree but it's possible the guy doesn't know what he wants, he's "uncertain" as John Gray refers to it; as some of us have been saying, he needs the space to re-evaluate things, decide what he wants to happen and where he wants things to go.

 

That is why IMO he's not giving her a straight answer and instead of just leaving him alone, she continues to hound him for answers, which only serves to push him further away from knowing what he wants.

Just take him for his word, that he doesn't know.

Push someone who's in the state to make up their mind and you'll likely not get the answer you're hoping for.

Most of all, don't get mixed up with someone who's easily mixed up about where they stand with you.

If someone likes you, you'll know it and you won't be here questioning it.

He's willing to risk losing you. . That's what you should pay attention to. Your answer is probably there.

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3 months mostly. That's when the newness wears off

 

Yes, exactly. At 3 months, it's not new anymore and the realities start setting in on whether this person is someone you want to actually be with in a relationship or not.

 

Loads of relationships have a hard time making it past 3 months or start to fade not long after.

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